Title: Empty Pillows
Author: BluesyEyes
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Naruto, and even though I wish with all my might, I never will!
Summary: Sometimes we want answers to questions that we never have the courage to ask.
Sometimes I wonder how you can be the way you are. I look up to you, but for some reason, I still question a lot of the things you do. Take, for example, how you are consistently late for every meeting that you, of all people, organize.
What about our team, who are stuck together? I suppose I could say that since you're so late and it seems that it's the most important thing to you to be late that we, as a team, are getting bored of it. Who uses the excuse of, "I got lost on the path of life" or "A black cat passed my way so I had to take the long way?" Really, what is that?
But I do have questions: consistent questions that, for every time that I see you, they run through my head.
First of all, I want to know how you keep your edge. Every shinobi will have to kill at some point or another, yes, but how do you sleep at night knowing that you've killed? You can't consider your Icha Icha book to be "unwinding."
Second of all, how do you stay so calm… so cool… so collected? I freak out if the others are injured… even you. And like I said before, no Icha Icha book… do you eat ramen at night? Do you ever want something to hold you close, to keep you warm at night?
Third of all, do you ever feel lonely with the path you have chosen? I do. I do very often. No matter if I turn to one or the other, I still feel myself being blind sighted. Naruto is a perverted little brat, and Sasuke… well, he's just a different story. On our travels, don't you ever wish you had someone to go to, to tell all those secrets you hold so close to your heart, at least to make life a little more bearable?
I suppose that was more than three questions. Let's just say they're all smashed into one big question. I wish I knew how to be like you, to be a machine and incredibly confident with myself.
But I suppose there are reasons why I don't. I'm still learning to be without openly showing my emotions. I'm still learning the act of the shinobi, and while I stand here, looking at you with all these crazy questions running through my head about who and what you are for the millionth time, I know that being a kunoichi will always be a hard thing to take hold of a learn.
Because as much as I try to ignore these questions and wonderings, and as much as I make myself think that's it's just a student wanting to learn as much as possible from her teacher, I continue to shove away the feelings that bubble just below the questions and answers. Because it's best to keep my feelings inside... because all I know is that you'll nod, look at me like a child, turn away and then stick your head back into your silly Icha Icha book and only remind me that I spend my nights alone in a tent with silly boys, hugging a cold, empty pillow for any amount of comfort.