Title: Harder To Breathe
Rating: M
Summary: As Syed's wedding approaches, he's finding it harder and harder to carry on without Christian in his life.
Disclaimer: I don't own Syed or Christian. Any recognizable characters are property of EastEnders and the BBC.
I'm trapped.
Thats all I can think as I stand here with Amira at our engagement party. I have a huge smile on my face, I know, but inside I'm crying. I make my excuses and leave the room. All of the well wishes and "congratulations" are making me feel claustrophobic, and I feel like I can't breathe. Amira was smiling sweetly at me, her arm draped around my waist. Anyone else would feel pride. Anyone else would at least feel comfortable with her hand touching their waist. Not me. Instead, all I felt was wrong. This was the wrong arm draped around me. I head into the kitchen, closing the door behind me and lean on the counter and just breathe. I can't do this. If I can't even make it through the engagement party, how am I going to make it through the eventual wedding? Every time I caught his eye, I could feel myself starting to fall. Could feel the mask starting to slip. He's the only one who's ever been allowed to see what's behind it.
I can feel his presence behind me, distracting me from my thoughts. I didn't hear the door open, but I know he's there. My heart rate has quickened, and all of a sudden it's easier to breathe.
"You shouldn't be here," I tell him, even though every cell in my body is wishing for him to stay. Even just being in the same room as him is intoxicating. He fills my every waking thought, like he has become a part of me. And more and more recently, I find that I can't even escape him in my dreams.
"I needed to see for myself. That this is really happening." There's not even a hint of sadness in his voice, like he has already accepted the fact that he's lost. And part of me is disappointed that he's not fighting for me.
"Just go, Christian. This isn't good for you, and it's certainly not helping me." I turn to face him and the breath is knocked out of my instantly. Just like it is every single time he looks at me. I can't take my eyes off him.
"I can't change how I feel, Sy," he takes a step towards me, refusing to break eye contact. "And neither can you." He places a hand onto my chest, over my heart. "You can't change what's in here." My eyes glance down at his hand, slowly returning to his face as his hand reaches up to cup my neck. My skin feels electrified at the intensity of his touch, and I'm completely consumed by him. His eyes burn into mine, into my soul, and I react to him purely on instinct. I don't resist as his face moves closer to mine. I don't fight him as our lips meet. I let him back me up against the kitchen cabinet, moaning as I feel his hardness through his trousers.
He's the one to break the kiss, and I gasp for much needed air. "Come back to me, Sy," he pleads, and in that moment, I want nothing more than to say yes. To tell him that we will be together. No matter what. But then, I hear my mother calling me from the other room, and I'm brought crashing back to reality.
"I'm sorry," I tell him, moving towards the door. "I can't." The last word is barely a whisper, but I know he's heard it by the way he hangs his head on defeat. "I'm sorry, Christian." I tell him as I close the door behind me, providing a barrier between us. I close my eyes and lean my head against the door, somehow knowing that he's doing exactly the same thing on the other side and finding a strange sort of comfort from it. I can't stand hurting him, and myself, like this. But I can't seem to find a way out of the hole I've dug myself into.
I straighten myself up and head back into the living room, plastering the fake smile back onto my face. Suddenly, it's harder to breathe again.