So This is Christmas
A set of thoughts had ran through Suga's head before he actually stepped a foot outside his small apartment in Tokyo. It was Christmas Eve and he had finished work at 12, leaving him with the afternoon and evening off. Others would fight for a some free time on this day, to spend it with their special someone, but Suga did not belong in that category – or rather, he would if he had someone to spend it with. Unfortunately, his only crush ever had turned him down, and since that time he didn't seem to meet anyone who caught more than a spark of his interest.
It was exactly because this day was so celebrated among couples that made him feel as if going out to do something would only remind him of his single status – but on the other hand, so did staying home. He'd already cleaned his apartment well enough to be satisfied and really had nothing else to do, so he decided to venture out, avoid the busy shopping neighbourhoods, and head directly to a movie theatre he knew was not very well-known and less crowded.
Suga was wearing a dark red knit hat and a thick scarf, even though it wasn't really as cold as it should be. He briefly regretted this choice when he sat on the train, but simply took both off and put them on his lap for the time being.
The theatre wasn't far from the underground stop he got off at, so he arrived well on time before the movie would start. He looked at the posters and summaries, noticing that indeed there weren't as many people here as there could be (and that meant less couples, too). It put him at ease – if it had been really crowded he'd probably have gone home.
He already knew which movie he wanted to see before he came, so he was just buying time before he got in line for a ticket. There were exactly two people before him and none behind him, so it was his turn very soon.
"One adult ticket for Star Wars, please," he asked, and right as he looked at the person at the counter, he recognised the guy. Who had also recognised him, apparently.
"Suga-san," Ennoshita said, his face visibly lighting up.
Suga couldn't help but smile. "Ennoshita! It's been a while! How have you been?"
Ennoshita laughed a bit, taking the ticket from his distributor but still holding on to it. "Since that last reunion, I guess," he answered thoughtfully, "I'm doing fine, what about you?"
Suga shrugged. "I'm good. If you ignore the fact that I'm here to watch a movie by myself on Christmas Eve, 'cause that's kind of sad."
Ennoshita laughed. "Beyond sad." He handed over the ticket and took Suga's money. "So this is Christmas, huh? You out on your own, me working a full shift." He put the money away and closed the register, looking back at Suga. Luckily there still was no one in line behind his former teammate.
"But I do get off when ticket sales are over. Would you mind having company?" he asked, casually.
"Not at all," Suga answered without having to think about it. He'd feel less out of place with a friend than on his own, and he'd always gotten along well with Ennoshita. They had spent a lot of time together on the bench, sharing feelings of excitement and frustration during their team's matches.
"Great, I'll see you in a bit then," Ennoshita said with a happy smile.
–
As promised, Ennoshita turned up in hall 6 when the lights were about to go out and the trailer reel for upcoming movies started playing.
"Don't tell me you haven't seen Star Wars yet," Suga said when the other sat down next to him.
Ennoshita shrugged. "I have, but it's a good movie... no spoilers, don't worry," he added quickly when Suga gave him a look. "I really don't mind," he said again, stressing this point.
"You're still in film school, I assume? Is this your part-time job?"
"Yeah. Working in a theatre is like, compulsive for everyone who does something in the world of movies, it seems. Seriously, all of my teachers did so as well, it's almost scary. So here I am." Ennoshita spread his arms out as he said that.
Suga wasn't entirely sure if there was or wasn't sarcasm in those words, but it made him laugh either way. Ennoshita was usually a pretty quiet guy, but if you got him to talk you could get to know him better pretty fast.
"You at least took your first step," Suga commented, tilting his head a bit. "Did you make any movies recently?" He remembered that in high school, Ennoshita had a notebook that he used to write ideas in, and sometimes he could be found in their dressing rooms, still in his gear, quickly noting down something he wanted to remember. Suga knew that he was passionate about movies and was creative enough to actually make it somewhere in that business.
"Yeah, I have. Two are school projects, and one is something I made for fun. I haven't had the guts to upload them anywhere yet, though."
Ennoshita scratched the back of his head. Suga leaned back against the comfortable seat and looked at the other sideways. He hadn't changed much... maybe gotten a bit taller, his hair was still about the same style and length and his droopy eyes made him look either sad or sleepy at times.
"They're probably great," Suga replied kindly, "you tend to worry too much – any good comments will make you feel better, while you can learn from criticisms."
Ennoshita chuckled a bit. "As expected from Suga-san," he joked, "Have you decided if you want to become a teacher yet?"
The question was both a sincere question and a snide remark, since Suga had already explained his doubts last time they met, and still hadn't made up his mind, putting him in no position to judge Ennoshita's hesitation to show his films to the world.
"I'll probably take the extra year and see if I like it." Suga shrugged a bit.
Ennoshita nodded in reply, and that was when the lights dimmed and went out.
Soon after, the movie started – the famous intro tune played, and Suga felt a wave of nostalgia washing over him. It had been years since he watched any of the other Star Wars movies, and while he was no big fan, he did like them a lot and remembered mimicking light sabre battles with his friends when he was young.
During the film, both him and Ennoshita were pretty quiet, aside from a comment or question here or there. However, Suga did feel distinctly less lonely.
–
Once the movie was over and the titles were rolling over the screen, they both stayed silent for a while too, enjoying the daze and atmosphere of just finishing a movie. It was Ennoshita who spoke first, leaning forward from his chair a bit.
"Did you like it, Suga-san?" There was some excitement in his voice, as well as expectancy.
"Yeah- it was really good... I didn't know what to expect, really, but when they first announced there would be another movie I remember fans being sceptic so I guess that sort of reflected on me, too... but it feels just like a Star Wars movie should feel."
Ennoshita laughed a bit again, and Suga wondered if he used to laugh this much before. He didn't think so.
"I like how you phrased that. I agree though, it feels rights. The story was a little generic but it fits in with the other moves as well, and the set-up was well executed. I can barely find any faults with it, not even the second time watching it in a week's time." He was grinning a bit.
"I see..." Suga stretched his arms in front of him and sighed slowly. "I'm pretty hungry actually," he said, more to himself than to Ennoshita, but then turned to him. "Don't you have someone you should be taking out on a date today?"
Ennoshita shook his head. "Nope. Haven't had much luck with dates."
"Sounds familiar," Suga said, turning back to the screen, a vague smile on his lips.
"Beyond sad," Ennoshita repeated his earlier comment.
"Maybe we can fix that with food and a drink," Suga said, "at least we won't be alone."
"Good idea," Ennoshita said, "I know a good place nearby that won't be filled with couples."
–
The restaurant he meant was actually a small but nice izakaya [a food & drink bar] of sorts, providing separated compartments with low tables and noren curtains blocking out what people could see from outside. Ennoshita explained that he'd found the place by following two businessmen who were discussing an old film. The place appeared to be popular with the elderly for lunch and businessmen for dinner.
That evening, there was exactly one table left in the back where the waitress guided them to. Suga didn't visit places like these very often. They were rather expensive and not the type of restaurant to go to on your own.
Ennoshita ordered a bottle of sake with two cups and a first round of appetizers as if he'd done nothing else his entire life. Suga stared at him for a few seconds, feeling as if the younger man had suddenly gotten ahead of him somehow, although they were pretty much in the same situation, life and work-wise. Juggling studies with a part time job, still uncertain what the future would bring. And single on Christmas eve.
After a while (and when they both drank a bit), Ennoshita brought their conversation back to the topic of dating. They felt that they could talk about subjects like this to each other, since Ennoshita came out to Suga, when the latter had come to watch a practice match in the year after he graduated. Ennoshita had known Suga liked Daichi, so he felt like Suga was the right person to talk to about it.
"You really haven't dated anyone since you graduated?" he asked Suga, as if he found it unimaginable.
Suga shook his head, that sad smile returning. "Nothing beyond a first date," he admitted. When he thought about dates and love, it made him uneasy so he tried not to think about it at all – but he knew deep down what the problem was.
"That's such a shame," Ennoshita said, being completely honest. "You're kind and good-looking... there must be a bunch of guys or girls who'd like you."
"Yeah..." Suga picked a piece of meat and started chewing on it. Ennoshita was smart, he would know what was going on, so Suga didn't feel the need to say more.
"It's him, isn't it? You can't get him out of your head."
Suga nodded. His former best friend and captain, Sawamura Daichi. Also his first and last crush, and the first to turn him down. They were still friends, although much less close than they used to be.
Suga confessed to him after they graduated from high school, but despite everything – and Daichi said he'd really tried – Daichi could not return Suga's feelings on an equal level. They made out once, and even if Daichi never called it a 'mistake', it never sat right with him either. He liked Suga. Loved him, even, but as a friend. The verdict: Daichi was truly straight, and everything Suga had hoped for suddenly became an empty dream.
They were planning to go to the same college in Sendai, but Suga decided to go to Tokyo instead. He claimed he needed the distance, to keep himself sane. He knew he could never be so close to Daichi on a daily basis, with his feelings the way they were. He'd hoped they would disappear in time when he would see Daichi less often. It did get better. But even now, after three years, Suga wasn't rid of what lingered inside him.
"You're going to waste you life like this, Suga-san," Ennoshita said a bit too loudly, making it sound more stern and angry than he had meant to. "S-sorry," he added. "I have no right..."
"It's fine," Suga answered, lifting his hand, palm facing Ennoshita. "You're right anyway. I know you are." Whenever he looked at Daichi during reunions, he felt his chest tighten and his heart thundered when Daichi talked to him. Suga took a deep breath and sat up a bit more straight, then took a gulp of sake.
"What about you?" He wanted to divert the subject from his own hung-up feelings for Daichi.
Ennoshita gave him a bitter laugh. "I dated Futakuchi Kenji for a while," he said with a sneer. "Bad idea. I thought he was attractive and fun but he's kind of a dick."
"He did seem a bit two-faced to me, yeah," Suga agreed, although he didn't know Futakuchi that well.
"I never had any proof but I suspected him of cheating on me, and later he said something like 'I wanted to see if I could make you cry'... really the worst kind of guy." Ennoshita grabbed some salad with his chopsticks and ate it angrily.
"Seriously?" Suga was actually shocked to hear this – if Futakuchi really was this bad, then good riddance.
"Uhu. Glad he's in the past," Ennoshita said with a nod.
Suga shook his head, eating some of the salad too. "You deserve so much better."
"Thank you."
"It's the truth." Suga said, making sure Ennoshita understood that he meant what he said.
That seemed to end the conversation on relationships for the time being. It wasn't bad to talk about those topics from time to time, plus he and Ennoshita understood each other pretty well. Why didn't they actually meet up more often?
They finished their food and had a beer after. It had gotten pretty late by the time they left the restaurant, the cool air feeling refreshing to both of them after the comfortable warmth inside. Suga's train would run until late anyway so he could get home easily. Ennoshita offered to bring him to the nearest station, apparently there was another one closer by than the one Suga came from, but on the same subway line.
"I had fun tonight," Suga said with a smile and he hugged the other. Ennoshita was surprised at first, but gratefully returned the hug.
"Me too. We should talk more often."
"Definitely," Suga said with a nod. "You have my number, right?"
Ennoshita nodded. Suga smiled at him, but for some reason he got the feeling Ennoshita was nervous about something. He was holding his lips tight together, which he used to do in high school too.
"I'll be going then, Ennoshita," he said, "See ya!"
"Yeah, good-bye. And goodnight," Ennoshita answered, returning a smile.
Suga also said good night and turned on his heels. He entered the station and walked toward the ticket machine to top up his card. Right when he was about to go through the gate, he heard hurried footsteps and then his name being called. It was a small station, so Ennoshita's voice echoed between the walls.
"Suga-san!"
Suga wondered if he'd forgotten something, but he had never really taken anything out that he could forget. But when he looked at Ennoshita's face, he could tell that this was something entirely different. There was an urgency in his voice and fiery determination in his eyes.
"There's one thing I didn't tell you," Ennoshita said, his eyes directed somewhere at Suga's scarf... like he was looking at Suga, but not into his eyes. So he was nervous...
Suga gulped, but nodded, as a sign for the other to continue speaking. He wasn't sure if he should be afraid of what was going to follow or not.
"I've been waiting, Suga-san... I've been waiting for you to forget about Daichi-san. W-when you told me he'd turned you down, I-" Ennoshita fell silent and bit his lower lip. He looked like he could be about to cry, and even if the station was pretty much deserted, Suga wanted to avoid any such things.
"Ennoshita?" Suga whispered, his expression quickly changing to one of fearful compassion.
"I... I was happy," Ennoshita's voice dropped, "I'm sorry. It was selfish of me. I thought that maybe I had a chance... but then I saw you suffer and decided to wait. So I did. I waited and hoped, and it's selfish of me to tell you all of this but... would you please give me a chance?"
Finally, Ennoshita dared to look Suga in the eye. Suga shook his head slightly from confusion and saw the other's face go blank, and realized just in time what he was doing. Suga grabbed Ennoshita's wrist, his light brown eyes wide in panic.
"Wait! Please." He looked up at the taller guy, his heart was beating like crazy and he felt sort of sick to his stomach. He never thought Ennoshita would feel that way about him. How come he never noticed? Did he miss any hints, or did Ennoshita hide his feelings so well? It was all rather sudden and kind of crazy, so Suga found it hard to come up with a proper answer.
"You've..." Had he really been in love ever since high school? And had he seriously just waited for his chance to get closer to Suga and maybe ask him out? Wasn't that too sad? Especially since Suga only ever admitted to him that he could not forget about Daichi?
"I'm sorry you waited for me," Suga finally said. "and maybe I don't deserve you, but a chance is the least I can offer, Chikara." He let go of the other's wrist, and briefly held his hand instead. It felt warm and strong.
Suga put on a smile at the blush he saw appearing on Ennoshita's cheeks and stepped back. He was nervous, a little confused, and even a tad excided. He opened his mouth-
"It's your birthday the day after tomorrow, right? How about a birthday date?"
It surprised Suga how easily and casually he could propose a date, despite his messed up brain and the fact that he definitely liked Ennoshita. He might just never have considered the option, but now that he was throwing himself head-first into something new, the feeling grew stronger that this wasn't such a bad idea.
"I-if you have t-time," Ennoshita stuttered, the prospect of getting his chance making him too nervous for comfort.
Suga chuckled a bit. Seeing Ennoshita being nervous actually helped him gain composure and he found himself enjoying this a little too much (he blamed the alcohol as well).
"I have time. I'll let you know something soon."
Ennoshita nodded enthusiastically, although obviously still nervous. His hands were shaking, so Suga decided to give one a squeeze. "Relax. It's just a date. Much like what we did today."
"T-today wasn't a date," Ennoshita objected, seemingly shaken up by the idea alone.
Suga laughed a bit. "No, it wasn't. But it could've been." Was he teasing Ennoshita? Maybe.
"Suga-san..." he objected a bit. Suga noticed he was laughing now too, and the shaking had stopped.
Suga put his hands in his sides and looked up at Ennoshita, like he used to do when they were about to play a match. "Just 'Suga' will do. So look forward to that date, okay? Oh and- Merry Christmas!"
"Okay, I will." Ennoshita seemed calmer now, the stress of his confession dissolving, and a wide happy smile on his face. "Merry Christmas, Suga."
Suga waved at him and went through the gates. He actually felt excited and happy – slightly weirded out by how his out of the blue decision to go watch a movie ended up with him planning a date with a former teammate. Still, Christmas could be worse than this. At least it was something new in his life. Suga was ready to give it his all. He could never forget about Daichi. He knew that much by now, but he could close the curtain on him. He could treasure the feelings he used to have, but stow them away as memories. If he wanted to move on, that was what he had to do.