Disclaimer: I don't own South Park, or any of the characters. This fan-fic is strictly for entertainment purposes only. (If you're a homosexual, or you know someone who is-and you're easily offended by homophobe jokes; do not read this.)

Beauty Contests Are For Pansies

By: Pearl Teardrops

"Alright class," replied Mr. Garrison as he finished up with a lesson. "Your assignment for tonight will be to write a one page paper on George Washington." His back was faced to the class as he finished up writing the small section of notes on the dusty black chalkboard. He was delirious to Eric Cartman, who was sitting in the back row. He had a homemade spitball shooter, and was ready to take aim at the unsuspecting teacher. All of a sudden, Wendy looked to Cartman, narrowing her eyes. She turned her head and shouted out loud to Mr. Garrison.

"Mr. Garrison!"

As he turned around, the spitball landed write on top of his baldhead.

A loud explosion of laughter poured out from Cartman as he saw the look on Mr. Garrison's face. Kenny, Stan and Kyle all snickered as well, looking up from their notes.

"Eric?!" Said Mr. Garrison, peeling the goopy spitball from his head.

"How'd you like to visit the prin-" Before he could say another word, the dismissal bell rang loudly in the small classroom.

The class got up quickly to grab their books, Eric speeding unusually fast out of the classroom before Mr. Garrison could even get a chance to look at him again.

* * *

A few short minutes later, Eric was with his normal group of friends, walking down the hallway, heading for the door.

"That was kickass, Cartman!" Stan said with a large grin.

"Yeah. I wouldn't ever be able to get enough balls to do that!" added Kyle.

"Heh-heh! I know. It was sweet!" Cartman said, commenting himself.

Kenny said nothing, because as far as he knew, Cartman was an arrogant jackass who did everything for attention.

As they walked out of the school, Wendy stopped in front of the four boys, a sneer fixed upon her face. As Stan saw her, he blinked for a moment and puked right in front of Wendy's feet.

Seeing as Stan always puked when she was around him, Wendy paid hardly any attention, being too mad to acknowledge Stan today.

"You know, Eric... What you did in there was really dumb! I just wanted you to know that!" She then abruptly stomped off towards her mother's car that was waiting out front and hopped in.

As the car sped away the four boys boarded the bus.

" Damnit! Wendy's such a bitch. All she does is complain anyway." Cartman replied as they found an open seat in the bus. Kyle sat next to him as Stan and Kenny both sat in the seat behind him.

"Wendy isn't a bitch, you fat ass!" Stan snapped from behind.

"I'm not a fat ass!!" Cartman said as he turned to face Stan. "Besides, you always puke when you see her anyway! How can you pay attention to her ugly ass when you're pukin'?!"

The bus driver glanced in the large mirror, and yelled angrily. "Sit your asses down and face the front!!"

Cartman did this hesitantly, mumbling insults under his breath.

Soon enough, the bus made a slow halt at the bus stop. The four boys jumped off steps and said their good byes.

Cartman headed down the street a ways, not being able to wait until he got home. He was already craving his beloved Cheesy Poofs, and couldn't wait any longer. As soon as he got to his house, he dropped his book bag, and ignored Kitty as it came up to greet him.

"Mom! I'm home!" He replied as he wandered into the kitchen.

Mrs. Cartman was washing some dishes in the sink, but she turned and wiped her hands. She smiled at her son and grabbed a large bowl from a cabinet.

"How was school, honey?" She replied as she grabbed a full bag of cheesy poofs and dumped it into the bowl.

"Yeah, yeah! It was fine!" He said quickly. " Can I have my cheesy poofs now?!" He asked.

Mrs. Cartman kissed Eric on the top of his head and handed him the bowl.

Cartman grabbed the bowl out of her hands and sped out into the living room on the sofa. He took the remote and plopped down.

"Ahhh... " He said as he sighed in relief and started to much on his Cheesy Poofs.

The news flickered on, and a man in a suit was sitting behind a desk. He was talking about something that seemed quite boring to Cartman, until a picture of Elton John and Boy George came up on the screen.

Cartman laughed as he muched on his cheesy poofs.

"Damn Pansies." He then listened more closely to the TV.

" It seems as though openly gay super-stars Boy George and Elton John have agreed to do a small beauty contest for educational charity here in South Park. It's for girls in grades 3 and 4. Auditions will be held next Tuesday at South Park Elementary School. George and Elton both hope to see you there! "

Cartman laughed again as he swallowed a cheesy poof, almost choking on it. He managed to get it down, and continued to eat.

Just then, Mrs. Cartman ran in, hearing his raspy choking sounds.

"Eric, honey, are you alright?" She asked, rushing next to her son.

Eric found this a great opportunity to get more Cheesy Poofs. He suddenly put on a suffering frown, his eyes looking downward. He slumped on the sofa.

"Oh, Eric, dear! Do you need Mommy to get you something?"

He nodded slowly, looking up to her, the halo forming above his head.

"What is it..?" She said, fixing his hat, looking down reassuringly at him.

"Some more Cheesy Poofs would be nice." Cartman said, sniffling some.

A/N: I hoped you liked my First Chapter. If I get good enough reviews, I'll continue. But flames are also accepted-I just need you opinion. So please, REVIEW!