A/N: I have no idea where this is going. I kind of do, but while writing this first part, I've discovered new avenues to travel. So, this is a crap shoot for all of us. Plus, I've never written this type of story before, so yeah. Good Luck to us all.

Also too, I own nothing, never have, and never will. I'm just borrowing the characters for a few moments and will return them to their original state (or some semblance of) when I am finished. Please do not sue as you can only stand to gain 3 cats and a library of Kiefer's movies, good and bad.

"You sure you want to do this, Jack?" Tony was concerned.

This was going to be one hell of a mission and if Jack couldn't pass himself off as one of them, they'd never get the information they needed. If their intel was correct, a deadly strain of virus was out there for sale and it certainly would be used to kill hundreds of thousands of people. They had to be sure.

"Yeah."

Jack practically jumped at the chance to go undercover in this operation. He studied the dossier on the Salazars and knew what they were capable of. He knew of the drug cartel they ran and knew the danger if he could not pass himself off as a useful, willing participant in their operation. Losing his life was a standard part of every mission, but far worse would be losing his soul if he got in too deep.

After what he had been through the past 3 years that was what worried Tony the most. He did not want to have to pick up the pieces of a broken Jack again. It was too hard the last time, although he knew he would if it came down to it. There were still a couple of weeks left to prepare before Jack left. Maybe he could talk him out of it before then. If not, then he could at least help him be as ready as possible.

Jack went home. He knew what was required of him and he didn't mind. In fact, after the first time, he began to look forward to it. He had been "practicing" for a couple of weeks now by injecting himself with small doses of heroin. There was no way the Salazars would believe his cover if he didn't demonstrate knowledge of the product they sold and an ability to handle it. And the release it gave him was amazing. For that brief span of time, nothing mattered, and it seemed that it never did. He fought hard against the effects in order to maintain some semblance of control, but every once in a while, he just went with it.

It had been only 30 minutes since he had used and he was riding the high, letting it's waves carry him to where they wanted, when someone knock at his door.

"Go away," he thought.

If he was still, perhaps they'd take the hint and leave him alone. But it came again. This time it was a little more insistent and accompanied by a voice calling his name.

"Shit," Jack muttered.

He recognized Tony's voice. He probably saw his car parked out front so there was no way he could pretend he was out. Damn it! His works were still on the coffee table. He had to put them away. Tony didn't need to know how he was preparing. Jack grabbed the stuff and tried to walk quietly to the kitchen, but he lost his balance and knocked into the end table that made a loud bang as it was shoved into the wall.

"Shit!" he said just a bit too loudly.

More knocking, but this time it was louder, and then, "Jack! I can hear you in there. Open up." Tony was not going away now.

"Hold on!" Jack called to him. He had to focus. Concentrating, he walked to the door and opened it. "What's so damned important?" Jack practically spit at him.

"You ok, man? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine." Jack said, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Gonna invite me in?"

"Sure. Help yourself, "he said standing aside to allow Tony in his apartment.

"We need to talk, Jack" Tony said, walking into his living room.

"About what?" Focusing was hard. He just wanted to be left alone.

"The mission."

Tony didn't really know how to continue. He had practiced his spiel on the way over to Jack's apartment, but it wasn't perfected and with someone like Jack, there was no telling how he'd react anyway.

"Can I sit?" Tony asked.

A gesture to confirm was the reply. As Tony sat on the couch, he spotted the rubber tourniquet on the cushions. He picked it up and placed it on the coffee table and just looked at Jack.

'Damn it.' Jack thought to himself. Part of him was ashamed, but obviously there was a part of him that wanted someone to know.

"You OK?" Tony asked again.

"Yeah," Jack said, a tone of irritability was evident.

"Look, you don't have to do this if you think it's going to be too much"

"I can do it, Tony!" he said, perhaps a bit more harshly than he had planned.

"Are you high?"

Jack just stared at him, hoping to avoid answering.

"Jack…"

"No, Tony. Don't. You know I have to be able to handle this stuff when I am down there. Don't think you didn't know this is was the price, because I did."

Tony couldn't say anything. He knew what Jack was doing was important to the mission, but he hated to see him this way. What if the price were too high?

"What did you need to talk about that we couldn't have covered at CTU?" Jack asked.

"How about a beer? Got any more left?" Tony asked, looking at several empty bottles on the coffee table and the bar leading to the kitchen. This was not going to be easy and courage, even liquid would be welcomed.

"Yeah, yeah, sure"

Jack got up and started for the kitchen. Tony watched him make his way into the other room.

Tony slumped over his knees, holding his head in his hands. Jack had been through too much and since he was using, what he had to say might be the thing that pushed him right over the edge. But then again, it might be Tony's saving grace. Jack might not be as resistant as he had expected.

"You OK?" Jack's voice was in his ear. Tony felt the warmth of his breath sweep gently against his neck.

"Yeah, man, thanks," he replied, taking the beer.

Jack sat down in the recliner. "So, what did you need to talk to me about?"

Tony took a long swig of his beer. "Um, yeah. About that. You sure you can handle everything that might go down there? I mean, you've read their dossier. You know they play for keeps, right?"

"Yeah, I know that, Tony" Jack replied.

"Are you prepared for that? You know what they do to newbies, don't you? Have you thought about how you will handle that?"

Truth was, Jack had thought about it, but not enough. He knew that one of the ways the Salazars maintained total control over their employees was by raping them repeatedly, among other things. He had been more concerned with how he'd handle the junk they'd give him that he hadn't thought much past that. Not until now.

The thought of them violating him made him nauseous. He just looked at Tony with a wide eyed expression. He was going to vomit. The combination of beer and the heroin was messing with his equilibrium and he was going to be sick. Jack held his fist up to his mouth and pointed one finger upward as if to say, 'Hold on'. He got up and stumbled into the kitchen. He was dry heaving in the sink when Tony got there.

Tony just put a hand on his shoulder to steady him and let him know that he wasn't alone. When the wave of nausea was over, Jack turned and looked at him. "Sorry," he said in a whisper and pushed past him. He paused long enough to grab the bottle of Beam from the cabinet and headed into the living room.

Tony followed him and sat back down on the couch. "That's not going to help, Jack. You need something to eat. When's the last time you ate something?"

"Don't wanna eat right now." Jack took a long swig straight from the bottle, grimacing a bit as he swallowed the bitter liquid. He held out the bottle for Tony to take. Tony took a swallow and handed it back.

"Fuck, Tony. What am I going to do? How am I supposed to handle that? I'll fucking kill him."

"And then what? You'd blow the whole operation if you killed him and then this," he said pointing at the tourniquet, "would be all for nothing."

"Well, not nothing, "Jack said with a wry grin.

"Are you addicted?"

"No! I can handle it when I want to. I've only used a little at a time to build a tolerance, not because I wanted or had to."

"Sure." Tony wanted to believe him but the argument wasn't worth it at the moment.

They sat in silence for a while, passing the bottle back and forth.

"Jack?"

"Huh?"

"Drinking isn't going to make it go away. Do you want me to call off the mission?"

"Yeah, that will work. Call off the mission and let the Salazars get their hands on a weapons grade virus to kill God knows how many people just because I don't want to take it up the ass. And when the news starts covering the casualties, I can sit here in the comfort of my living room and watch, knowing that we could have prevented it, no, I could have prevented it from happening but I chickened out."

"OK then. How are you going to deal with it?"

"I don't fucking know Tony!" Jack's voice was raised and the anger evident. He felt trapped. Damned if he did, even more damned, along with all of those innocent people, if he didn't.

"I could help you." Tony said quietly. He wanted to take back the words as soon as they left his lips. He hoped Jack hadn't heard him

Jack raised an eyebrow. "What'd you say?"

"Nothing"

"No, I heard you say something. What was it? Did you say you could help me? How, exactly?"

"I don't know. I just thought…never mind."

"Tony, do you want to fuck me?" Jack had a mischievous look in his eyes.

"Jesus Jack, no!"

"Then what did you mean by help me?"

"I don't know. Never mind." Tony swayed as he got up. "I'm going to go."

"You can't drive like that, Tony. Sit your ass down." Jack's voice was commanding and Tony did as he was told.

Jack took another pull from the bottle and started over to the couch where Tony was sitting, whacking his knee on the way. "Ow, shit!"

The cracking sound it made startled Tony. "Damn, Jack. You OK?"

Jack sat down next to him and hunched over, rubbing his knee. Tony bent over to examine the damage. "Let me see."

Their faces were just inches apart. Jack quickly closed the gap and pressed his lips against Tony's. The shock of Jack's mouth on his caused him to gasp slightly and Jack took that opportunity to slip his tongue in and deepen the kiss, He cupped the right side of his face with his left hand, his thumb smoothed over his cheek and he pushed him back against the cushions. Tony's response was automatic. He reached around with his left arm, and grabbed the back of Jack's head, and pulled him closer. He could taste the whiskey on his breath and smell the remnants of his morning aftershave. Tony felt Jack's hand slide down his throat while his other hand moved to cradle the back of his head. A small sigh escaped as Tony wrapped his right arm around Jack's waist pulling him closer still. Jack's hand tightened around Tony's throat but he did not break the kiss.

It was getting harder to breathe. "Jack," he muttered, "relax."

Jack broke away, his breathing rapid. His blue eyes bore into Tony's brown ones and his grip tightened further. Tony grabbed his wrist and tried to pull Jack's hand away from his throat but the grip was like iron and Jack had leverage. With his breaths coming in short gasps, Tony placed both hands squarely on Jack's chest and pushed him away, sending him reeling into the coffee table and the empty beer bottles crashing to the floor.

"Jack, God damn it!" he said wheezing, "What the hell?"

Jack placed his hands deliberately on the broken glass and pushed himself into a sitting position. He lifted his head slowly and looked at Tony with absolute hatred in his eyes and said "Get the fuck out of my house."