Quick note: This is sort of an A/U story in the sense that Kelly never lost his bugle and Chief Boden never had any legal troubles.
Kelly poured himself a glass of orange juice as he waited for his bagel to pop out of the toaster. "What time did Gabby get home last night?"
"Late," Matt yawned. He pulled two mugs out of the kitchen cabinet as the coffee finished brewing. "Had to have been two thirty, maybe three."
"Any idea why Otis bailed?"
"No clue," he sighed. "But he better have a damn good reason."
Kelly smirked. "Had a hot night planned before she got called away, did ya?"
Matt eyeballed Kelly as he picked up the coffee pot and started pouring. "Gabby asked him to swap shifts a few weeks ago. The doctor from Chicago Med had her baby shower there last night."
Kelly exhaled and placed the glass of orange juice on the counter. "How is she?"
Matt shrugged his shoulders. "I honestly don't know." He sat down on a bar stool. "She still won't talk much about it." He rubbed a hand over his tired face, his worry clearly showing through. "Herrmann said it's going to take time. Chaplain said the same thing."
"Herrmann and Chaplain?" When Matt shrugged his shoulders again, Kelly could see how lost his friend was. He wanted to tell Matt that he and Gabby needed to find a way to grieve together, but saw Gabby coming down the hallway towards the kitchen. "Good morning."
"Morning," Gabby answered. She stopped in her tracks on the way towards the fridge when she felt Matt's hand slide into hers. She offered him a small smile. "Morning."
"Morning, Babe," he said softly. He squeezed her hand lovingly and then let it go so she could grab a muffin on the counter.
Kelly watched his two best friends go about their quiet morning routines. As Gabby closed the refrigerator door, a picture of Shay caught his eye. He sent a silent prayer to his Angel to help their friends make it through.
*****
Matt glanced up over the edge of the newspaper as he heard Cruz and Otis stroll into the common room, laughing about something they'd heard on the radio. "Otis," he acknowledged, his lips in a thin line.
Joe looked at Otis. "Glad I ain't you right now, bro."
Unsure of how he could've done something to upset his Lieutenant this early on shift, Otis walked over to the table and took a seat. "Have I done something?"
"Where were you last night?" Matt's jaw was set in a straight line, his tone clearly indicating his displeasure.
The other men in the room looked at each other.
"I was at the movies last night. There was a new release that I've been wanting to -"
"The movies? Really, Otis? The movies were more important to you?"
"I'm not really sure what I've done wrong, Casey. I wasn't on shift."
"Not here," he dropped the paper and folded his hands together, now looking directly at the man in front of him. "But you were supposed to be at the bar."
"Uh, no, I wasn't." He scratched his head. "Last night was Gabby's night."
"It's was Gabby's night. You agreed to swap with her."
Otis' eyes went wide and the blood drained from his face. "No. That can't be...no. That's next week," he pulled his phone out of his pant pocket and scrolled through his work schedule calendar. When he looked up and saw Gabby walking in, he was on his feet. "God, Gabby. I'm so sorry. When I agreed to take your shift for you, I put it into my calendar for next week."
"It's fine," she threw him a quick glance on her way into the kitchen, grocery bags in hand.
Otis stepped forward and grabbed a few bags from her. "No, it's not. I told you I would come through for you and I didn't, and then you had to deal with that last night and -"
"I said it's fine," she set the bags she was carrying down on the kitchen counter next to the others with a loud thud. "It happened. It's over. Just drop it, OK?"
"But-"
"Stop." When a hush fell over the room, she realized she'd spoken louder than she intended and had sounded angry. The last thing she wanted was to give Chief Riddle ammunition to sideline her. She took a deep breath, and tried to will away the headache that she felt coming on due to her complete lack of sleep from the night before.
Matt stood up and walked towards her, "Gabby-"
"No," she said firmly, her hands in front of her, telling him she needed space. "I said it's fine. I want to just forget about it." She glanced around and saw all the curious looks. "Please," she begged. "Just stop."
Kelly watched Matt closely as he considered her request. Since the day they'd lost the baby, he had seen them struggling in their own ways. The only thing he knew for sure was that both Matt and Gabby were trying to protect each other.
Matt nodded his head slightly, agreeing to give Gabby the space that she was requesting. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her any distress.
Matt and Otis watched for a minute as she set out unpacking the grocery bags, organizing the contents on the counter to make the Thanksgiving feast.
"Do you need some help?" Otis asked cautiously, unsure of what to do.
Gabby gave him a small half smile that didn't quite reach her eyes and shook her head no. "Thanks, though."
"Game's on!" Hermann hollered from the couch, cutting the tension in the room.
"Come on," Kelly said coming up behind Matt and Otis, "let's grab some chairs."
A few hours later, everyone sat at the table, their feast in front of them. As per Firehouse 51's tradition of naming the bird, this year the decision had been made to name it after Chief Riddle. Boden carved it expertly as the dishes were passed around and everyone helped themselves to generous amounts of the traditional holiday foods.
Boden cleared his throat and got everyone's attention. "We've had a more than a few bumps along the road this past year, but I'm thankful for each and every one of you. I have never worked with a better group of people. But the bond here goes beyond professional. We're family. By choice, not by obligation. Donna and I are so thankful that our son has so many wonderful people to look up to. To inspire him. To learn by example of how to be a kind and decent person." He raised his glass. "Cheers!"
Everyone raised their glasses before taking a sip of their water or coffee.
As everyone started to eat and talk, Matt leaned over to Gabby. "Happy Thanksgiving, Beautiful."
"Happy Thanksgiving, Handsome," she smiled. She leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the lips.
"I love you," his whispered against her lips.
"I love you more," she smiled again.
"Not even possible," he joked, his eyes twinkling.
"You two make my teeth hurt," Hermann shook his head, amused.
Thirty minutes later, everyone sat back in their chairs, stuffed full.
"I don't think I've ever eaten this good, Gabby," Capp announced.
Everyone agreed, praising her cooking skills.
"I would pretend to be hurt, but I would take on extra shifts to afford you as my personal chef if I could," Sylvie smirked. "I still look for your left overs in the fridge."
Gabby laughed. "I look for yours in the fridge, too. It's just the wrong fridge."
"Hey we've got leftovers!" Kelly joked.
"Yeah, the ones I make," Gabby jested. "Or take out. And there is only so much pizza a girl can eat."
Sylvie chuckled. "That's all that's been in my fridge for a while. It's no fun cooking for one. I think we need a girls' night. Just the three of us," she looked from Gabby to Chili.
"I'm in!" Chili smiled.
Gabby smiled and nodded, not nearly as enthusiastic as her two friends, but wishing she could get back into a normal rhythm.
"I bet we can catch a post-game wrap up on ESPN," Mouch announced. He stood up and walked over to Gabby, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze in appreciation before making his way back to his usual spot on the couch.
Before long, Gabby, Matt, Kelly and Hermann were the only ones left at the table. Most of the guys were watching the post-game replays on ESPN, just as Mouch predicted. Jimmy was cleaning up in the kitchen with Sylvie and Chili. They had insisted that since Gabby had cooked, it was only fair that they clean.
"You feeling OK?" Hermann asked Gabby. "You hardly touched any of your food."
She shook her head, brushing it off. "Just not hungry."
"You've got to eat, kid," Hermann slipped into the fatherly role. He really did think of Gabby like she was his oldest child. "We need to keep our bodies fueled and raring to go. Lugging that gear around is work out."
Jimmy nodded from the kitchen. "Sure is. I'm surprised it's been so quiet. My brother always said Thanksgiving was a busy day at his firehouse..."
The entire room groaned.
"What'd I say?" he asked, looking at everyone for a hint.
"You jinxed us," Cruz said dramatically.
"You can't seriously believe that would -"
The bell rang. "Firehouse 51. Squad 3, Truck 81, Ambo 61. EDP on the Cherry Avenue Bridge."
"Way to go, Candidate," Mouch sighed.
***** CHERRY AVENUE BRIDGE
Antonio and Voight were already on scene when Truck 81 and Squad 3 arrived. Both Lieutenants were the first to pile of out their rigs immediately assessing the situation, followed quickly by the rest of their teams.
Ambo 61 and Chief Boden quickly rolled up behind them, parking on the side of the Industrial area road.
"What've we got?" Boden asked as he quickly walked towards Antonio and Voight. He zipped his jacket to keep out the cold wind and shielded his eyes from the sun that was peeking through the dark clouds. Looking up, he saw a woman standing on an iron girder above the bridge deck. If she fell back, she'd hit the pavement of the bridge deck. If she stepped forward, she'd fall into the water below.
"A pedestrian called it in," Antonio said, glancing over at the Chief before back up at the woman. "Just keeps telling us to stay back or she'll jump. That we don't know what it's like for her." He sighed. "She won't say any more than that."
"Is anyone else on the way?" Severide asked as he and Matt joined Chief and Voight.
Voight shook his head. "We're it. Not as many of us working this Thanksgiving thanks to budget cuts."
"Typical," Mouch scoffed, over hearing them. "Who cares that our jobs are stressful and lives are on the line? As long as the city can save a few pennies!"
"Any ideas?" Casey asked Antonio as they both walked a few steps closer.
The woman looked down and saw the two men getting closer. She panicked. "STAY BACK! JUST STOP! GO AWAY!" She let go of her grip on the beam and her body swayed a little in a gust of wind.
Casey and Antonio both halted their movements.
"Woah!" Matt peered up at her. "ALRIGHT! WE'RE NOT COMING ANY CLOSER!"
"LOOK, MA'AM," Antonio started, yelling to her over the wind, "I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU DECIDED THAT CLIMBING UP THERE WAS A GOOD IDEA, BUT WE'D REALLY LIKE TO HELP YOU DOWN SO WE CAN TALK TO YOU. MAYBE HELP YOU FIND A SOLUTION!"
She chuckled humorlessly. "THERE IS NO SOLUTION. ALL YOU MEN ARE THE SAME. YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU COULDN'T!"
"I'M SURE THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Voight hollered from the edge of the bridge where he stood near the police SUV he and Antonio had arrived in. "OUT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE HERE, I'M SURE AT LEAST ONE OF US WOULD UNDERSTAND!"
"NO!" She shouted, shaking her head violently from side to side as tears fell down her cheeks. "I'M THE ONE WHO'S BROKEN. HE DESERVES MORE. HE DESERVES BETTER!"
Dawson approached Boden cautiously, not wanting her movements to startle the woman on the ledge. "Chief, maybe she'll talk to me?" After a moment, Boden gave his approval with a curt nod. Slowly, Dawson edged her way to the railing, looking up, watching her carefully. "MA'AM?"
The woman looked frantically from person to person below her on the bridge deck, searching for the female voice.
Dawson removed the helmet and dropped it to the ground. "OVER HERE." When she saw the woman had finally located her, she continued. "WILL YOU TALK TO ME? I MIGHT UNDERSTAND..."
She hesitated, but never answered.
"YOU SAID A MAN WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. WELL, I'M NOT A MAN. MAYBE I CAN HELP."
"I DOUBT IT!"
"HOW DO YOU KNOW? THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN IS WE TALK AND NOTHING CHANGES. YOU ARE THE ONE IN CONTROL HERE. YOU ARE THE ONE UP ON THAT LEDGE. IF NOTHING CHANGES, YOU STILL HAVE A PLAN, RIGHT?"
"Gabby," Matt cautioned, slowly backing away from Antonio, towards Gabby. "What're you doing?"
"I don't know," she admitted. "But she seems to be considering talking to me."
"Do you think she's going to have a conversation with you down here?" He asked skeptically.
She shook her head. "I think I have to go up."
"Gabby, no."
"She's right, Casey," Boden said taking a tentative step towards them. "She hasn't flat out refused Gabby. She's the one who has the best shot at getting her down."
"I can do this, Matt."
Matt sighed. "Come back in one piece."
She smiled softly. "That's the plan." She looked up at the woman, unsure of what she was about to get herself into.
"You sure about this, Dawson?" Kelly questioned, tightening one of the straps of Gabby's harness.
"As sure as I can be," she answered.
"When you get up there," Matt started, carefully inspecting the equipment, "brace yourself on one of the beams and sit down. I don't want you standing up there in this wind."
"Got it," she answered.
"Let her know you're on your way up," he instructed. "I'm going to have Otis back the truck up so you can climb the ladder."
She nodded, then turned her attention back to the woman. "MA'AM?! I'M GOING TO COME UP TO TALK TO YOU! JUST ME."
The woman looked from Gabby to the pavement of the bridge deck below and then to the brown murky water off the side of the bridge. "YOU PROMISE IT'S JUST YOU?"
"JUST ME," Gabby assured her. "THEY ARE GOING TO BACK THE TRUCK UP TO HERE," she motioned, "THEN EXTEND THE LADDER UP TO THIS AREA OF THE BEAM SO I CAN CLIMB UP AND THEN WALK OVER TO YOU. ALRIGHT?!"
The woman nodded, watching all the commotion down below nervously.
A few moments later, Gabby reached the top of the ladder and braced herself as she stepped onto the beam.
She took a deep, calming breath as she found her balance and slowly started to make her way over to the woman.
"Hi," Gabby greeted softly, making quick eye contact with the woman before looking back at the beam, trying to keep her balance in the wind. She found a slightly angled beam and reached out to brace herself as she sat down on the narrow surface. "I have no idea how you managed to climb up here without help," Gabby told her, finally making eye contact for longer than a couple of seconds. "My heart is in my throat and I swear I can hear the blood rushing through my body."
"You can't help me," the woman said bluntly. "No one can."
"I'd like to try." Gabby shifted her leg trying to get a little more comfortable on the beam. "I'm Gabby. And you are...?"
"Carrie."
"Can you do me a favor, Carrie? Would you mind sitting down? I'm a little worried with how close you are to the edge."
"That's the point."
"To be blunt," Gabby said, "I don't particularly want to see you leap off the edge up close. I'd prefer not at all. But we can't leave until you are off this bridge, one way or another. You can make the decision to jump or to come down with me. But while you're making your decision, I'd like to be able to talk to you, eye to eye."
"Straight to the point, with a guilt trip on the side."
"If I were trying to guilt you, I'd point out that it's Thanksgiving and no one should get the news that a loved one ended their life. And that all these people here today shouldn't have to witness it." She bowed her head and took a deep breath. Her voice softened. "You should know that I'm not a negotiator. I'm not normally this big of a bitch, either. I'm completely out of my element here. But I want to help. And it's not because of all those people down there. It's because I know how crappy life can be. That for all the best intentions, things can still go sideways. But this," she motioned around, "it can't be what you really want. Please let me help you at least try to figure something else out."
Carrie looked at Gabby, then down at the bridge deck at all the people gathered down below and then to the water below...decisions, decisions.
"I hope this wasn't a huge mistake," Antonio said.
"I shouldn't have let her do this," Matt shook his head.
"Is that her Lieutenant or boyfriend talking?" Antonio asked, briefly glancing at Matt before focusing on Gabby again.
"She'd kill me for admitting it," he smirked. "Between you and I, it's hard to come to work and see her the same way as Otis, Mouch or Herrman. She's my girl."
"No kidding," Antonio chuckled. "You couldn't have stopped her even if you tried. That one is too stubborn to listen. Once she's made up her mind, that's it."
"It's infuriating. It's also one of the reasons why I love her."
"I know we haven't really talked much, but I want you to know that my family and I are glad you guys found your way back to each other." Antonio glanced over at Matt again. "I didn't know if you two would be able to considering everything that happened after she moved out."
Matt turned to look at Antonio, trying to gauge just how much he knew.
"Gabby never said anything, but I heard rumors about the company you were keeping and that whole situation. I'm not judging you."
Matt sighed. "I wouldn't blame you if you did judge me. I was an ass. When she wanted to talk, I wasn't ready or willing. Then she was walking out the door and it was too late." He shook his head, hating the fact that they'd wasted so much time. "The woman I love, that I was planning on spending the rest of my life with, walked out the door. And I just let her. I should've gone after her, but I didn't. I punched a hole in the drywall but I didn't fight for her. I didn't know how."
"Brother, if you want to make it work with Gabby, you have to understand something," Antonio started. "In our family, we didn't really talk about our feelings. Our parents are really strong, stoic people. You fall, you get up. You fail, you try again. You don't cry, you carry on. It was the generation they were raised in. I can only assume that's why she's so stubborn. But it also made her perfect the art of building walls around herself. I don't think she realizes that she does it, but when she needs someone the most, that's when she acts like he's stronger than she is. Especially if she feels like she's to blame." Antonio saw Matt was about to protest. "I know, man. You were both in the relationship and it fell apart. You were both responsible. But that's probably not how Gabby sees it." He looked up at his sister, then back at Matt. "She will bottle everything up inside of herself if she thinks she's protecting someone that she loves. You have to make her talk. Call her out on it when you know she's not giving you the full truth. Even if it's uncomfortable or inconvenient in that moment." Antonio sighed. "I think that's why my marriage failed. We got tired of fighting, so we just stopped trying. Always assumed that tomorrow would be another day to get to the root of the problem. To fix what was broken. But then one issue turned into two...it just snowballs, man."
Matt nodded his head, taking Antonio's words in, processing everything...
Kelly sprinted over, interrupting their conversation. "There's a guy here. Says he's the woman's husband." He pointed over to where Boden was standing with Sylvie and a man who was terrified.
"Any insight as to what triggered this?" Antonio asked.
"Yeah," Kelly nodded. He looked at Matt.
"Severide?" Matt knew he wasn't going to like the answer.
Gabby looked over at Carrie, thankful she had decided to sit down on the beam beside her. She wasn't so thankful that Carrie had remained silent for the last few moments. She had no idea what the woman was thinking, let alone what had brought her up to the top of a bridge, threatening to hurl herself off. And she had no clue how to figure it out.
"Dawson?" her radio crackled to life, clipped to her jacket.
"I'm here, Casey," she held in the button, allowing her words to filter back down. "We can hear you."
"Mrs. Green, your husband is here. He wants to talk to you."
"No, no," she shook her head violently, from side to side. "I can't talk to him."
Gabby held down the button, "She doesn't want to talk, guys."
The radio crackled a little more than normal and she could heard some muffled sounds of people talking. "Carrie," a male voice broke through, "you don't have to talk. OK? Just listen." Gabby looked over at Carrie, her eyes glossing over. "I married you because I love you. I want you. The last few years have been hard on the both of us. I don't know why you keep pushing me away, trying to make me believe that it's all your fault..."
Carrie wiped a few stray tears that started to fall. "It is my fault," she whispered. She looked at Gabby. "I never told him. I didn't know how and now it's too late. He'll never understand."
"I'm not going anywhere, Carrie," he told her through the crackles of the radio. "I love you too much to just walk away. You are my world."
Suddenly, Carrie stood up, wobbly, but unfazed. "I'M NO GOOD FOR YOU!" she called down to her husband. "YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CAN GIVE YOU THE ONE THING THAT I CAN'T!" The tears fell rapidly down her cheeks and she tried to wipe them away as quickly as they fell. She closed her eyes tightly as sobs gripped her body.
Gabby carefully stood up, bracing herself against everything she could to not fall. Just as she found her center, a gust of wind kicked up and she felt herself sway slightly.
"CARRIE!" her husband shouted from below, seeing her lose her footing in the wind.
Gabby reached out quickly, grabbing Carrie around the waist, at the same time as she felt the safety harness tighten, ensuring her safety.
It took every ounce of upper body and core strength, but Gabby managed to steady Carrie.
Thankfully Carrie was too stunned by almost falling that she offered no resistance when Gabby quickly guided her into a seated position. "Thanks guys," she said breathlessly into the radio, looking down at Matt, Kelly and Joe. She felt a little slack in the harness as they relaxed. "Please get him out of here."
Gabby felt the adrenal pumping through her veins. Her hand gently slid down the radio clipped to her jacket, the weight of her gear feeling like it weight ten times more than normal. "Sounds like he really loves you," she said as she found herself angled beam and carefully sat back down.
"His name is Austin." Carrie's voice sounded so small. "He was my college sweetheart."
"You've loved him for a long time."
She nodded. "Ten years." She wiped away the tears running down her cheeks. "It's a long time to lie to someone."
Gabby nodded, swallowing around the lump in her throat. "Yeah. Secrets are a bitch, aren't they?"
Carrie scoffed. "You're keeping secrets?"
Gabby bit her lip. "Yeah," she whispered. A few tears rolled down her cheeks, taking her by surprise. She wiped at them using the back of her hands. "Look, I know what it's like. Things happen that we don't expect. We have to make decisions and hope that we made the right one. But sometimes life blows up and everyone around us gets caught in the crossfire."
"You hurt someone too?"
"Not just one person. I hurt a lot of people, actually. But never on purpose," she admitted. "I should've known when everything I've ever wanted started to come true that it wouldn't last." She shook her head. "I shut everyone out because I couldn't find the words to let people in. At first it was because the people around me were struggling. I didn't want them to feel like they had to not only find their way through the smoke but drag me along with them. I didn't want them to feel obligated."
"Then?" Carrie prodded. Gabby looked at her oddly. "You said 'at first.' So then what?"
She took a deep breath. "Then I realized that it was my fault. Everything that has gone wrong in the last couple of years...I'm the one to blame. How could I tell all these people that I love that I was the reason why they were struggling? So I kept it to myself. I convinced myself that I was protecting them, but really, I was protecting myself. I still am."
Carrie nodded in agreement, then looked at her lap, tears falling down and landing on her thighs. She didn't bother to wipe them away anymore. "Maybe you do understand." She looked over at Gabby. "I can't give my husband a family. Since the day I met him, he's always wanted to be a father. And I wanted to give that to him. But I can't."
Gabby sucked in a deep breath, feeling like the wind was being knocked out of her again.
"We tried for months to get pregnant. But we just never did. I started to think the problem was me. Turned out I was right." She shook her head. "I should've been honest from the start."
Gabby tried to push her own feelings down. "Honest about what, Carrie? A lot of women struggle to get pregnant and then find out about fertility issues."
"Honest about my past." She took a deep breath. "My dad had just died and my mom couldn't make ends meet, so she packed us up and we moved so she wouldn't have to struggle to financially. She was doing the best she could. She was grieving and lost but I couldn't see it through my own hurt and anger. I got involved with a guy who was, at the time, a low level gang member. It didn't take long before I found out I was pregnant. My dad was a very religious man and I always wanted to make him proud...he would've been disappointed in me, but he would've wanted me to keep the baby. But I was scared. I was sixteen, I felt like I couldn't turn to my mom and I was terrified of my boyfriend. Of what raising a child with him would've looked like. Assuming he wanted the baby, of course." She chuckled humorlessly. "Turns out, my fears were justified. He climbed the ranks of that gang after high school. Last year, his girlfriend was murdered in front of their two kids. Then they killed the kids in front of him before torturing and murdering him."
Gabby tried to let all sink in, her stomach in knots.
"I decided to have an abortion. I didn't tell him. I didn't I didn't tell my mom. I only told my best friend from California. Thank God for her. She came out for a visit, but really it was to take care of me. She took me to the clinic, she brought me home." Carrie brought her knees up to her chest, as if she were trying to protect herself. "My karma...for disappointing my Dad, for not telling my high school boyfriend...it's not being able to give my husband a family." She looked over at Gabby again. "In high school, I got pregnant and then I killed my baby." She swept her hands around in a wild gesture. "This is my punishment."
"There are other ways to have a family," Gabby said quietly.
Carrie scoffed. "Oh, I know. The doctors went through the list with us. We did all the different hormone therapies. Nothing worked. So we saved every last penny we had and did IVF. Our last hope at having our little family." She sniffled. "I got pregnant. And then suddenly I wasn't anymore. One minute we were planning our future, dreaming of whether it was a boy or a girl. Who would they look more like? What school did we want to enroll them in...what neighborhood to buy a house in...you know, once we'd saved enough to buy a house again." She looked at Gabby. "To afford the IVF we used all the money we'd saved to buy a house. That dream disappeared just as quickly as our baby's heartbeat." Her voice quivered and sobs over took her. "We never heard their heartbeat."
On instinct Gabby reached over and pulled Carrie towards her. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"That's what everyone says," Carrie pushed Gabby away. "But sorry doesn't change anything."
"I know," Gabby said through her own tears.
"You know?" Carrie scoffed again. "Seriously? You think that's going to work on me? That I'm going to believe you? You're just telling me that you know, that you understand, because you don't want me to jump. I'm so tired of everyone sympathizing when they couldn't possibly understand. Like it's some sort of magic phrase that's going to make me realize I'm not alone, and that life goes on."
Gabby shook her head. "That's not it. I really do understand." She hung her head low and then made a quiet admission. "I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago." Unable to stop herself, unable to carry the burden alone, the words she never wanted to say started tumbling out, beginning to cry. "I'm so tired. I rarely sleep. When I do, I dream of my baby. It starts out so beautiful. The three of us are this happy little family. But suddenly my baby is gone...and I'm all alone. I can hear crying. I look all over the place, but I just can't find my baby. And then I do and I reach out to pick them up, to comfort them..." tears streamed down her face "...then they disappear right before my eyes. And I wake up and it hits me all over again that my baby really is gone." She sniffled. "It hurts so much. I just don't understand how one minute everything is fine and the next minute, my baby is gone." She looked at Carrie. "We never heard the heartbeat, either." She closed her eyes tightly, the wind blowing stronger. Colder. But Gabby didn't care. "I have nothing to prove that my child even existed. The only thing I have is this ache in my heart that just won't go away. And I'm scared that if it does, it'll mean that my baby didn't matter. Or worse, that I'll forget they even existed."
"I'm sorry," Carrie offered quietly. She then realized she'd uttered the same phrase that she loathed hearing from well-meaning people. "I guess that phrase really does sum it up, doesn't it?"
Gabby nodded. "It does."
"Our situations are different though," Carrie said. "My baby is gone because I killed my first baby. You save lives. You don't take them away."
"Logically I know that the miscarriage wasn't my fault. But in my heart, I know it's punishment." She focused on the Willis Tower in the distance. "The last two years have been the best and worst two years of my life. I've made so many mistakes. Some that I'll never be able to make up for."
"So why try?" Carrie shrugged. "That's what I decided. Why bother trying if I can't make it right? Did you ever think about it? Ending it?"
Gabby looked over at Carrie, completely stunned.
*****
Matt felt sick to his stomach. He couldn't believe what he'd heard filter through Gabby's radio. She hadn't realized that she'd somehow locked the talk button, allowing anyone with a radio down below - essentially everyone on their private frequency - to overhear her admission.
Upon realizing just how sensitive their discussion could be, Severide had called out orders to both Squad and Truck to shut down their radio communication. He had also instructed Joe to hand off his section of safety harness, attached to Gabby, to Antonio.
"Tell her, Gabby," Matt muttered. He hoped like hell that Gabby wouldn't confirm to Carrie that she'd considered ending it. He was already reeling from her admission that she felt like everything bad that had happened in the last two years had been her fault. How could think that way? And why hadn't she opened up to him about the dreams she'd been having?
Night after night, she whimpered in her sleep, her head thrashing from side to side...the movements and noises waking him up. He'd gently touch her, gently call her name, trying to wake her...Suddenly she'd sit up, eyes wide, slightly sweaty. He would ask her what she'd dreamed of. Usually she'd tell him that she couldn't remember and not to worry. And other times, when she knew he wouldn't just accept her saying she didn't remember, she'd tell him that she dreamed she was hanging off the edge of a cliff...and then she fell.
"Come on, sis," Antonio whispered. "What's taking so long? Answer her!"
Kelly held his breath, as did Boden and Voight. The few seconds of silence was deafening.
Gabby was stunned. She opened her mouth to speak but the words wouldn't come out.
"Have you?" Carrie prompted.
Finally Gabby found her voice. "Never. Not once." She didn't know but Matt, Antonio, Severide, Boden and Voight sighed with relief. "When things start hitting the fan, I just start grabbing on to whatever I can." She smiled through a few tears. "And then there are moments of joy in the sadness. Moments that just come out of nowhere. Moments that give you reason to hope that tomorrow will be better."
"What if those moments don't happen for me?" Carrie whispered.
"Then you make them happen." She looked out at the Chicago skyline. "There's a huge city out there. Lots of people with lots of problems." She looked back at Carrie. "And whole lot of reasons to push through and carry on. Your husband is one of those reasons."
"What are your reasons?"
"To make up for my mistakes," Gabby sighed. "I'm good at what I do," she nodded her head to the firetruck and ambulance behind them. "When people need help, we go. There are a lot of great paramedics and firefighters all over this city. But I got lucky. This is where I was placed. With the best group of people anyone could ever ask for." Gabby looked towards the sky, the clouds were slowly moving to the west, thinking of Shay. "I will spend the rest of my life trying to right the wrongs and to prove to those people down there that they haven't wasted their time. That I will have their backs and do everything I can to make sure they all make it home in one piece."
"I don't have that. So what do I have?" Carrie whispered.
"A chance," Gabby answered. "You can make the choice to go back down the ladder with me. What if you went through all of this to come out on the other side a stronger person? To be able to help other women who have gone through similar things?"
"What if I can't come out on the other side?"
"Have you tried?" Gabby asked. Carrie shook her head. "You know what the worst thing that could happen right now? You decide not to try. That you give up. Once you jump, that's it. There's no going back, you can't unmake that decision. Rarely do people survive. Of the studies that I've read, the ones that do survive will typically admit to one thing. That once they jumped, or whatever their plan was to end it all, they realized that their problems could be fixed. It didn't have to be over. Those people are the lucky ones. But most of the time they don't get a do over. Let this, right here, right now, be your do over."
For a few moments, Carrie mulled over Gabby's words. She looked at the crowd that had gathered behind the barricades that the second police unit had set up and noticed her husband. He hadn't left. He promised he wouldn't leave and he kept his word. "I need to see my husband," she said quietly.
Gabby could feel the relief flood through her body. She nodded at Carrie in confirmation. Reaching for the radio clipped to her jacket, her relief was short lived as she realized that the talk button was locked in the on position. They had heard everything. She cleared her throat. "We're coming down, guys," then she unlocked the button on the radio.
Matt and Kelly rushed towards the bottom of the ladder. Matt reach out and helped Gabby down, Kelly reached out to help Carrie the final distance. Once both women had their feet firmly planted on the ground, there was a collective sigh of relief and cheers from the crowd still gathered behind the barricade that Truck and Squad had put in in place.
A man came barreling towards them and quickly wrapped his arms tightly around Carrie. Tears cascaded from his eyes and he was too emotional to speak. Instead, he looked at them and mouthed thank you.
A few moments later, Gabby noticed Sylvie and Chili approaching Carrie and the man she realized was Carrie's husband. They still had to check her out and make sure she hadn't injured herself and then after they would take them to the hospital where a psychiatric doctor would evaluate her.
"Are you alright?" Matt finally asked once Carrie and her husband had climbed into the back of the ambulance.
Gabby realized suddenly that Matt had wrapped his arm around her waist and was probably the only reason why she was still standing upright. Her legs felt like Jello.
"I think I need to sit down," she whispered.
Matt guided her towards Antonio's SUV and she sat down on the opened tailgate. She looked up at the top of the bridge where she'd just spent the better part of the afternoon.
"You OK, sis?" Antonio asked.
She looked at her brother, then to Matt and Boden who was standing just behind him. "Honestly, it's sort of a blur."
"Good work up there, Dawson," Chief smiled.
"Thanks."
"What you did up there was beyond the call of duty. It couldn't have been easy," he continued. "So I'm going to send you home for the rest of shift."
"But Chief, I'm fine!"
He held up his hand. "No, Gabriella. I am sending you home. Negotiating with someone who is threatening to end their life is emotionally taxing for people who are trained to do it. You are not. You need to decompress. And I'm not going to ask you to wait until the end of shift tomorrow morning for that process to begin. It wouldn't be fair of me. Trust me. You need this."
She knew protesting with Boden was pointless. And the fact that she didn't try proved to him that he made the right call.
Matt opened the door to the apartment and held it open with one arm as he allowed Gabby through the threshold first. She kicked her shoes off and dropped her bag before making her way to the kitchen. "What do you want for dinner?"
It was the first time they'd spoken since they'd left the firehouse. She had argued that just because she was being sent home didn't mean he had to as well. That she could take care of herself. But Matt took Antonio's words to heart. He'd talked to Chief and he'd agreed to have Herrmann step in as acting Lieutenant for the rest of shift.
"Gabby we need to talk," he said.
"Do you want me to heat up some left over pizza?" She opened the refrigerator. "We've got some steak in here you could grill up and I could throw together a salad."
"Gabby," he came up behind her putting a hand on her arm, halting her movements.
"Matt, please," she said quietly. "I just need to keep moving. I'll be fine."
He shook his head. "No. You won't be fine, Gabby. You tell me that I deal with things by not dealing with them at all….guess what? We both do that. Please just talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about," she moved away from him and pulled out the steak and some veggies from the crisper. She grabbed a knife from the drawer and the cutting board from the drying rack beside the sink.
"I heard every word you said today, Gabby." He watched as she froze for a moment and then went back to prepping for her salad. "You told that woman about the nightmares that you've been having. The ones that you kept telling me you didn't remember. That losing the baby was punishment for something you've done...that everything bad in the last two years is because of you." She remained silent. "DAMN IT! Gabby, talk to me. None of this makes sense. Help me understand."
She dropped the knife on the counter and turned to face him, tired of hiding. Tears rapidly falling down her face.
He quickly wrapped her in his arms and after a minute, she wrapped her arms around his neck and clung to him as if her life depended on it. She sobbed, soaking the shoulder of his CFD t-shirt.
He guided her out of the kitchen and into the living room. He sat them down on the couch and rubbed her back as she let the tears fall.
"I'm here," he whispered. He grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and placed it over Gabby's legs. "I'll be back in a minute."
She nodded and watched him retreat to the kitchen. A few minutes later, when he returned, she was sitting on the corner cushion, her back against the armrest.
"Here," he handed her a mug. "Green tea."
"Thank you," she said quietly. The tears had stopped but the evidence remained stained on her cheeks. He sat down on the opposite side of the couch, his body mirroring hers, with his back against the opposite armrest.
"Sometimes we want so badly to not hurt the other person that we just don't say what needs to be said. But that doesn't work. I know it doesn't work. If I had been honest with you, maybe it wouldn't have taken us so long to find our way back to each other." He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. "When we were apart, Gabby, I tried to get you out of my heart. But I couldn't. Everything that I had ever wanted, I had it. With you. And then you were gone. I was so lost. Nothing made sense. So I stopped thinking. Then I got mixed up with Beth. Being with her was a mistake. But it made me realize that I would never be able to get over you. As much as I could try, you were - are - it for me. Considering who she was, I should've come to you and told you the truth. But I didn't know how. If I'm being honest, I didn't want you to know. I was terrified that you'd look at me differently. Be disappointed. How can you tell someone you love, who you want to be with, that you've done something so stupid? But then Welch beat me to the punch and told you. When you looked at me through that window, I was sure I had lost any chance I had at getting you back. But somehow, you ended up coming home with me a few weeks later. We told each other that it was because of the stress of the day..."
"Yeah, we did," she quietly agreed, smiling at the memory, a slight blush coloring her cheeks.
"Even though we said it was just a great night shared between two friends...it was more than that. It was the night that I felt hope. We were finally getting back to a good place and I knew it was only a matter of time before you would be back here, in my arms." He leaned forward to and took her hand in his. "Our baby was created that night. We didn't get back together because you were pregnant, Gabby. We got back together because we love each other and want to go through life together. That means the good and the bad. You've got to let me in, Gabby." He saw her nod in agreement. "How could you think for even a second that losing the baby was punishment? That everything bad in the last two years has been your fault?"
She focused on the stitching of the blanket and felt Matt squeeze her hand. She looked up and saw his eyes, begging her to let him in. "It's the truth, Matt. When I think back to when things started going wrong...it's when I decided that I wanted to be a firefighter. When we talked about the idea of my going for it, you warned me that I had a tendency of just jumping into things head first. And you're right. I do."
"Gabby, you've become an amazing firefighter."
"But at what cost, Matt?!" she pulled her hands from his and hid her face. "You told me to get the facts. To talk to some of the women on the job. And I just dug my heels in and made my decision. If I had thought it through, realized that working at 51 under your leadership wouldn't be so cut-and-dry, maybe I wouldn't have gone to the academy. Then I jumped at the chance to be your candidate without fully understanding what that meant for us. We had to hide our relationship to work together."
Matt listened to her words, trying to understand. "So, knowing what you know now, are you saying that you wouldn't have gone to the academy to become a firefighter? You would've denied yourself that opportunity and stayed on as a paramedic? That you regret it?"
Gabby felt like someone was holding her heart in her hands and squeezing tight. Fresh tears spilled from her eyes and she nodded her head. "My decision killed Shay."
It took Matt a few minutes to fully understand what she'd just said and then the weight of her words hit him full force. It was like someone had sucked the air out of his body. "What happened to Shay was not your fault, Gabby. It could've just as easily been you."
She brought her knees up to her chest and then rested her head down. "It should've been me."
He shook his head violently. "No. Don't say that."
"I told her that she needed to learn how to do that procedure. That I wasn't always going to be there. I made her switch places with me. The beam should've come down on me."
"Oh, Gabby," he said moving closer to her. He opened up his arms and she shifted herself into his embrace. He remembered the day they lost Shay. They had all sat in the hospital waiting room. They all knew the situation was bad. No one said a word, the only sound was the ticking of that damn clock on the wall. They were all living in hell, waiting for news.
Everyone had kept a close eye on the two people closest to Shay. Kelly had paced the small waiting area, back and forth, back and forth. Gabby had sat beside him, focused on one of the floor tiles, almost hypnotized. Not only had she been there when it happened, but she'd tried to provide first aid to her best friend. She only stopped CPR when they'd pulled Shay away, needing to get her to the ambo and to the hospital for treatment.
Matt remembered thanking God that it hadn't been Gabby. A few nights later, he'd been sitting at Molly's after Shay's memorial when Herrmann came up to him from behind the bar and handed him a beer, telling him that he didn't have to feel guilty that he was relieved it wasn't Gabby. It didn't mean that Shay meant less to him. He was grateful that Herrmann had known what he was thinking and not only didn't judge him, but seemed to understand.
"What happened that day is not your fault. I can't believe you've been carrying this guilt around for a year and a half." He kissed the top of her head and held her a little tighter. "That beam could've come down at any time. There was no way you could've known." He stroked her hair back from her face. "Gish is to blame. Not you. He was the one that set the fire that day. He's the reason why we were there."
She nodded her head against his chest.
"He could've taken you from me that day. And again in the elevator." He hugged her a little tighter. "I wish I had been there."
"I know," she whispered, enjoying the feel of being in his arms. "Matt?" She felt him shift beside her so he could look at her. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Everything," she sniffled. "I felt like if the reason why Shay died was because I was leaving to be a firefighter, I needed to be the best damn one out of the gate. I felt like I needed to prove that I could do it so her death would mean something. So every call, I was looking for a way to prove that not only could I do the job, but that I could think on my feet and take action. I couldn't save Shay but that didn't mean that I couldn't save someone else."
Matt nodded his head. "So that's why you went all cowboy on us and drove the sand truck into the scene without authorization or the proper gear."
"Among other things," she admitted. "Deep down I knew it was wrong. That I was going against your orders. I never wanted you to get in trouble for stuff that I was doing."
"I know," he said calmly, smoothing her hair again.
"I remember telling you that what we have is more important than any job. And I meant that. I just...I didn't..." she struggled to find the words.
"Shhh," he soothed in her ear. "It's OK, Gabby. We both made mistakes. Neither of us wanted to put the job before us, but there was a steep learning curve. Neither of us did particularly well at navigating those waters." He sighed. "I think there were a few times you wanted to tell me what was really going on. Why you were doing the things you were...and I wasn't receptive."
"I didn't exactly make it easy."
"No," he acknowledged, "but I should've tried harder. I was so frustrated. I didn't know how to make the transition between home life and work life. Where one ended and the other began." He reached over to touch her chin, making her look at him. "As terrified as I am, I'm damn proud of you, Gabby. Not just for today. Every single day you put your life on the line with the rest of us and you make a difference."
She smiled at him, grateful to hear him say those words.
"When you were up on that ledge with Mrs. Green, you told her that you felt like the loss of our baby was a punishment for something..."
Gabby nodded. "I've been feeling like it was my karma. For the last few years. For the decision to be a firefighter. For the the fact that it cost Shay her life. Because ultimately I ruined what we shared."
"You know that's not true, right?" he asked gently.
She nodded again. "Honestly, I think I knew all along. But knowing something in your head and feeling it in your heart are two different things." This time she threaded her fingers through his. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the nightmares. I just didn't want to hurt you any more than I already have."
"I get it," he assured her. "I knew you were hurting but I didn't want to push you into talking if it was going to hurt you." He looked down, feeling his throat constrict. "You know, I don't know if the ache in either of our hearts will ever go away, but I do know that if it does, we won't forget about our first baby."
He used his free hand to wipe away a lone tear that was rolling down her cheek. She leaned in to the feel of his gentle caress. "When you say it, I believe it."
"We're going to get through this together," he told her, resting his head on top of hers. He felt her nod slightly. "You hungry?"
"Not really." She yawned against his chest. "Can we just sit here for a while?"
He smiled. "That's the best offer I've gotten all day." He reached over the back of the couch and blindly felt the contents on the top of table. He found his phone and the two remotes he was searching for. With one remote, he turned on the fireplace, and with the other, he turned on the radio. Sounds of the saxophone quietly floated through the air. He scrolled through his phone, quickly locating the app and using it to dim the lights in the apartment so the lighting became a gentle glow.
Gabby moved the blanket so it was covering them both and they just sat in silence, feeling at peace for the first time in a long time.
Kelly quietly walked into the kitchen around 8 the next morning, tossing the mail from the day before on the table. "Hey," he greeted Matt quietly. "Gabby still sleeping?"
Matt nodded, pouring freshly brewed coffee into his mug. "You want some?"
"Please," Kelly yawned. "Did you guys talk?"
Matt set Kelly's filled mug on the breakfast bar and then leaned against the counter. He nodded. "We did. I had no idea how deep her scars were, man."
"What do you mean?"
"She blames herself for Shay's death."
"What? Why?" He set his mug down.
"Gabby told Shay to switch places with her. She was going to walk Shay through a procedure she wasn't comfortable with and then, that was it. The beam came down." Hhe shook his head. "She's been carrying that guilt around for the last year and a half."
Kelly shook his head. "If she had known that the beam would come down, she would've gotten Shay and that guy out of there. There was no way for her to have known." He took a sip of the hot liquid.
"She said it should've been her, not Shay."
Kelly exhaled. "I hope you set her straight. That day was not her fault. Gish set it all into motion. He's the reason why Shay is dead. Not Gabby."
"Yeah, I told her that. But things just snowballed for her after that. She tried to make up for Shay's death by going over board when she was a candidate."
"That explains a lot." He cleared his throat. "It's none of my business, man, but I heard what she said up on that bridge-"
Matt nodded. "Yeah, she thought losing the baby was karma for the decision to become a firefighter. Like it set into motion a string of events. Losing Shay, trying to make up for it, our break up..." He shook his head. "I wish she'd come to me with all this."
Kelly nodded. "At least you know now."
"We're going to get through this."
"I know." Kelly swallowed the last bit of his coffee then stood up and placed the mug in the sink. "I'm going to try to get a few hours of sleep."
"Sounds good."
"Oh, the mail is on the table. Most of it looks like junk but Gabby's got something in there."
Matt nodded in thanks and made his way over to the table to thumb through the mail. Sure enough, there was something for Gabby from Chicago Med.
It was almost noon when Gabby woke up. She couldn't remember the last time she slept so well. She washed up and made her way into the living room where she found Matt sitting on the couch, flipping through the television channels, attempting to find something to watch.
"Good morning," he greeted when he saw her, turning the TV off.
She sat down beside him and gave him a kiss. "Morning."
"Sleep well?" he asked.
She turned to look at him and smiled. Her eyes twinkled. "I did."
"No nightmares?"
Her smile grew larger. "No."
"Good dream?" His eyes twinkled.
"The best," she nodded.
"Did it involve you and I doing something naughty?" teased, leaning forward and pulling her into a sweet kiss.
She laughed. "Maybe I'll have that dream tonight."
He feigned a pout. "Well what could've been so good about your dream if you and I weren't doing something dirty?"
"Shay was there," she said quietly, tears beginning to shine in her eyes. "She was sitting in a chair, looking down at the sweetest, most adorable baby girl."
Matt pulled Gabby towards him and smiled. "So our daughter is with Shay?" That actually comforted him.
A few tears escaped and she quickly wiped them away before a little laugh escaped her lips. "Yeah."
"Shay say anything to you in your dream?" He felt her nod against his chest. "And?"
"She told me it took long enough to tell you everything."
"Smart cookie," Kelly said from the doorway, his hair still mused up from his nap. He walked further into the room and kissed the top of Gabby's head. "She was your biggest cheerleader, you know."
"Yours too," she offered with a small smile.
Kelly sat down in his favorite chair, still exhausted from shift. "No one at the house would have blamed you, Gabby. I'm just sorry that you didn't feel like you could tell any of us."
"I just didn't know how. The longer I struggled to say it, the harder it was." She glanced down at the coffee table and noticed an envelope from Chicago Med Labs. "What's this?"
Matt shrugged. "Open it," he said.
She tore it open and pulled out the contents.
Matt and Kelly looked at each other and then back to Gabby, waiting for her to speak.
"It really was a girl," she whispered, handing Matt the document.
He skimmed the paper and then placed it on the coffee table and then pulled Gabby back into him.
Kelly stood up, sensing that his friends needed to be alone. He touched Gabby's knee and she looked up at him. "Shay will watch over her," he promised.
"I know," she smiled with watery eyes.
He grabbed Matt's shoulder and squeezed before walking out of the room.
Matt leaned back pulling Gabby with him, so she was lying on top of him, her head on his chest.
After a few minutes of silence, Matt spoke. "Your time is coming."
Gabby smiled. Exactly what Herrmann had said in the video message. She lift her head off Matt's chest so she could look at him. She shook her head. "No, Matt. Our time is coming."
"I like the sound of that."
She lowered her head back down and listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
Even though their baby girl was gone, they were going to get through it.
Well, that's it! That's my story. I've always felt like the writers missed an opportunity with Gabby. She was so lost after Shay died and I always assumed that was part of the reason Gabby did some reckless things under Matt's supervision. I never felt like she was trying to push the limits because her guy was boss and she felt untouchable. And I also feel like we've lacked Dawsey grieving scenes so this was my way of scratching that itch!