[The Other Half]
It was like a bitter taste in his mouth. It was remniscent of the thin film on one's teeth in the morning - a memory of the previous night that couldn't be escaped until one brushed his teeth. But this could not be brushed away. This bitter taste would never be fully removed. He had to live with the knowledge that she had died. And that it had been in his place.
It should have been him.
She had been so lively. It really should have been him. Really, truly.
The only thing he could tell himself was that this was necessary - that he was needed. Not now, not soon, but that he would be needed eventually.
It did not make him feel any better.
He couldn't even cry anymore. This kind of pain was beyond tears. It was such twisted agony. It was worse than any physical pain that could ever be inflicted on the body. Worse than spiritual, even. It was as if half of his soul had been ripped away. Half of his heart; half of of himself. He wondered if this was what normal twins experienced when one died, or if this was a special pain, reserved only for those who wielded the power of the Onmyouji. Or perhaps reserved specially for him.
He knew it was an arrogant thought. And he didn't care much at the moment. It was not often that one's sister is killed by the man he considered to be his best, and, aside from her, only friend in the world.
It was not often that a mortal spirit survived this kind of pain.
He wondered if he would.
But it was more than pain. It was more than the wrenching, sharp, horrible pain. It was guilt. For the rest of his days - how long they would be, he knew not - he would have to live with the knowledge that she took his place in death. She took the death that was intended for him.
He wished he could curse this destiny, this inescapable tangle of pain and torture. But he could not. This destiny would save lives. Lives that he truly used to care about. He could not bring himself to care any longer. He told himself that caring for so long had led to this.
It was almost funny to him, how one could lose everything in one fell swoop; one flip of a card or coin. How everything could just... not exist. Companionship, friendship, love. He was truly alone. His sister, his friend, and their friend. He had trusted him completely. He realized now that that man had known he would trust him completely. That man had understood his trusting nature, and understood him. And he cursed his predictability, because if he had only questioned... if he had only not trusted so easily. If only... If only...
But he really couldn't blame him. It had been his own stupidity. His own naive nature. He chuckled darkly. He'd never thought of himself as a fool, but that was the only thing that he could call himself now.
Protector of the spiritual welfare of Japan? How could he protect Japan? He couldn't protect his own blood. His other half.
Unable to think any longer, unable to stop the train of thoughts that rushed through his head despite his commands, he curled in on himself, hoping the corner of the dark room could conceal himself. He knew, logically, that he could not hide from the things in his own mind, but he wished he could. He wished he could live in that dreamworld, like that girl he had helped had created.
But he could not. Instead, he curled up on the floor and laid silently, wishing.
Wishing to disappear.
It was like a bitter taste in his mouth. It was remniscent of the thin film on one's teeth in the morning - a memory of the previous night that couldn't be escaped until one brushed his teeth. But this could not be brushed away. This bitter taste would never be fully removed. He had to live with the knowledge that she had died. And that it had been in his place.
It should have been him.
She had been so lively. It really should have been him. Really, truly.
The only thing he could tell himself was that this was necessary - that he was needed. Not now, not soon, but that he would be needed eventually.
It did not make him feel any better.
He couldn't even cry anymore. This kind of pain was beyond tears. It was such twisted agony. It was worse than any physical pain that could ever be inflicted on the body. Worse than spiritual, even. It was as if half of his soul had been ripped away. Half of his heart; half of of himself. He wondered if this was what normal twins experienced when one died, or if this was a special pain, reserved only for those who wielded the power of the Onmyouji. Or perhaps reserved specially for him.
He knew it was an arrogant thought. And he didn't care much at the moment. It was not often that one's sister is killed by the man he considered to be his best, and, aside from her, only friend in the world.
It was not often that a mortal spirit survived this kind of pain.
He wondered if he would.
But it was more than pain. It was more than the wrenching, sharp, horrible pain. It was guilt. For the rest of his days - how long they would be, he knew not - he would have to live with the knowledge that she took his place in death. She took the death that was intended for him.
He wished he could curse this destiny, this inescapable tangle of pain and torture. But he could not. This destiny would save lives. Lives that he truly used to care about. He could not bring himself to care any longer. He told himself that caring for so long had led to this.
It was almost funny to him, how one could lose everything in one fell swoop; one flip of a card or coin. How everything could just... not exist. Companionship, friendship, love. He was truly alone. His sister, his friend, and their friend. He had trusted him completely. He realized now that that man had known he would trust him completely. That man had understood his trusting nature, and understood him. And he cursed his predictability, because if he had only questioned... if he had only not trusted so easily. If only... If only...
But he really couldn't blame him. It had been his own stupidity. His own naive nature. He chuckled darkly. He'd never thought of himself as a fool, but that was the only thing that he could call himself now.
Protector of the spiritual welfare of Japan? How could he protect Japan? He couldn't protect his own blood. His other half.
Unable to think any longer, unable to stop the train of thoughts that rushed through his head despite his commands, he curled in on himself, hoping the corner of the dark room could conceal himself. He knew, logically, that he could not hide from the things in his own mind, but he wished he could. He wished he could live in that dreamworld, like that girl he had helped had created.
But he could not. Instead, he curled up on the floor and laid silently, wishing.
Wishing to disappear.