To: Flawlessaya. She draw such a beautiful picture of those boys. 3
Title: Hurting you
Chapter: 1/3 (My original plan was to publish this as one; the story came out to be too long though, so I had to cut it.)
Author: Anae
Beta: QttQ (Thanks dear. Though you ought be thanking me, getting Yuffie's happiness and liveliness out of your mind. :'D No, really, thank you a thousand.)
Fandom: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru / Betrayal knows my name
Characters/pairing: Shusei/Hotsuma
Rating: PG-13/R
Spoilers: Hmh. If you know about their pasts, then no. And that one mention of Shusei being a girl before this lifetime - it's due to one post in stargazing love - community in livejournal. It's not my imagination - it's kind of a fact.
Disclaimer: I don't own Uraboku, it belongs to Odagiri Hotaru. Nor I own Dead by April's song named "What can I say?".
Summary: "What can I say, what can I do? This is who I am and I'm hurting you."
A/N: All Flawlessaya's fan art's fault. It is such a beautiful picture of the two boys (check it out if you will), some of these lyrics written in it. And my imagination sparked. Here's the result, one of the angstiest fics I've ever written. (Although it didn't turn out so heartbreaking as I wanted to. :( )
Feedback: Please be so kind. Reviews are love and make my day.

I tried to be all that you need
tried not ever let you down
still I can see it in your eyes
Not good enough

"I can't do this anymore."

For once, Hotsuma didn't need to ask what Shusei was talking about. The other boy was standing a few steps away from him; that was more distance than ever before. And Shusei wasn't looking at him, those beautiful eyes were cast on the ground to avoid showing his emotions to anyone who'd happen to look.

To put it simply, Shusei's mask wasn't in place. That alone told Hotsuma all he needed to know. The older boy's act gave away the rest, and what wasn't there, Hotsuma could guess. Maybe he was blind and deaf more often than not, but not always.

He knew Shusei was talking about their partnership. Their wicked relationship of hurting each other and getting hurt.

It didn't mean his words didn't hurt like hell, though. It didn't mean that his heart wasn't breaking.

And it definitely didn't mean he wanted to let it go.

"Shusei, wait a sec-"

"No", said the usually soft voice - had he ever heard it that firm and loud before? Had he ever heard Shusei interrupting him? "No", Shusei repeated, shaking his head. "I can't. I just can't."

The older boy lifted his head, facing his pained partner. There were no tears in his eyes; no sign of him hurting, no sign of him wondering if this was the right choice, no sign of him even considering it all. That mask Hotsuma hated so much, it was in its place again, completely shutting him and the rest of the world out.

"I'm sorry", Shusei muttered before taking his leave.

That was the end of it. The end of their wicked partnership of pain.

(This time I believed that I really could change)
(I gave it all)
(This time you really had my everything)
(I guess I was wrong)
I guess I was wrong

First, Hotsuma felt anger inside him. He felt its yellow flames slowly turn themselves into white fire, burning away everything in their way. He wanted to break something, to destroy something completely, then scream and scream and scream and never stop.

Because even if the red-white flames created a wildfire, he still only though of one thing: No. He didn't want it to end, he had never wanted to hurt Shusei so much, he had never wanted to drive him away. Not in this lifetime and never before that. But he had; in this life he had given Shusei those awful scars that would never fade, he had hurt him in the past lifetimes he only remembered shards of. He had never wanted to drive Shusei to make one last wish as he died; to become a boy instead of woman, so he'd never be Hotsuma's wife again, never again be so completely owned by him.

Hotsuma knew he had tried so hard, so fucking hard this time, to change, to be a good partner, and it had only brought Shusei to kill himself. And he had brought Shusei back, pulled him back to himself, just to be hurt and restrained again. Just like all those times before.

It would only be mercy to let Shusei go, to be free of him.

Then why couldn't he do that?

Instead of burning the mansion to the ground so that not even ashes would remain, Hotsuma pulled his legs closer, wrapped his hands around them and buried his head against his knees. He had promised not to hurt anyone else after he'd given Shusei those inedible scars, he had made a vow to control himself. Besides, if he'd scream, it would never end. And if that wouldn't bring everyone to stare at him nothing would. At the moment, Hotsuma didn't want anyone to see him, to poke him like the pained, caged animal he truly was.

So, instead of that all, he just cried for the longest time.

What can I say, What can I do
This is who I am and I am hurting you
What can I say, what can I do
No matter how strong my feelings are
I always end up hurting you

I always end up hurting you
I'm hurting you

Shusei was standing in a black room with all the lights out, staring at the stars. The same stars he had gazed at so many times with Hotsuma.

The boy lifted his head, suddenly preferring the roof to the night sky. His heart was clenching at just the thought of Hotsuma's look as he had said those words. Despite of protecting what was dear to him, he had once again managed to hurt him. What a failure as a partner he was.

Stopping his partner's suicide, pulling him back to a place he didn't want live in, to make him suffer every time he looked at him, at those scars… Shusei's long, pale fingers touched the once burned flesh. He didn't mind the scars, but despite what Hotsuma had said after they had come back from Ashley's castle, the younger boy still couldn't look at those wounds without feeling pained. To look at him without suffering. Shusei knew Hotsuma was better off without him, but since Hotsuma neither wanted nor let him to die, he had to find another way.

He was too weak to make Hotsuma hate him; with a few actions and wordgames, he could've done that. With ease. But he couldn't bring himself to do it, to play with Hotsuma.

Not that he hadn't been playing with the other boy all his life. Never showing him his true face. The mask kept everyone away from him, kept them from seeing the darkness that was lurking inside his soul.

He had tried to protect Hotsuma, to keep him safe, tried to heal him. And failed every time. He had to get his beloved partner away from him, to keep him from hurting any more. So he hurt him, pushed himself as far as Takashiro's leash would allow.

The boy tore his gaze away from the safe roof and forced himself to gaze at the shining stars again. He deserved this pain, the sound of his heart shattering into a million glass pieces and falling to the ground. He deserved it for all the things he had done to his beloved… ex-partner.

Shusei closed his eyes, desperately trying to keep the hot, burning tears - the only thing he had left of Hotsuma, left of the warmth the other boy always radiated - inside him. Without it, there was only his own ice.

"Forgive me", he whispered, voice thick with emotions he'd never let out as it echoed in the dead silence of the night.