((I do not own Homestuck. In fact, I haven't even read it and I don't even know what the characters act like. This is a joke. Don't take it seriously.))

It was a dark and stormy night. Dave Strider, a super kawaii gay man, was wandering the rain-slick streets looking for a nice D. You see, he was gay and super kawaii.

Unfortunately for our man Dave, all of the gay bars were closed because it was Christmas Day. See, kids, Dave was so intent on his D-search that he didn't give a donkey's wand about Christmas and really just wanted some D.

Defeated after hours of searching, Dave went home and celebrated a nice Christmas with his older brother, Bro. Bro gave him a nice new puppet to play with, which horrified Dave and made him cry like a four year old. It was pretty humiliating because Dave was a man—he was thirteen!

Dave was sobbing on the couch in the middle of the living room as Bro ate some Cheerios in the kitchen. The puppet was called a Cadilla beast and it was the most horrifying thing that had ever graced the earth. It's horrible, horrible eyes kept haunting Dave as it cutely sat on the coffee table in front of him. It looked like it was about to slit Dave's throat any minute now.

"Didn't you get me anything else, Bro?" Kawaii Dave asked.

"Of course not," Bro said, pouring ten gallons of sugar into his bowl of cereal. "I don't even know what the plot of this story is, and frankly I think my character is going to be shit upon as the story continues. I am a goddamn brilliant creation of Andrew Hussie, and I am not going to stand for this!"

Whatever Bro just said blew completely over Dave's thick head. "I don't like this puppet. You suck."

His brother shook his head. "Pfft, your mom sucks!"

"What did you just say, Bro?"

"Eugh!" Bro Stroodle gagged. "See? This author is just making my character sound awful."

The topic of things sucking made Dave remember his search for D. He had failed to get any, on Christmas Day, too! This was an abomination. Why did Bro get him a puppet of all things? He should have gotten him something that was similar to a D. Like a dil—

"Yo, David Stroodle. Get up off the couch since you're doing nothing and get me some napkins," Bro ordered.

Dave was right about to pipe up and say 'Hey man I'm 13 and I don't take orders' but he decided not to be an arschloch for the first time in his life and followed Bro's command. He walked over to the kitchen and opened the drawer where the napkins should be, but there were none to be seen. "Bro, we got no more napkins."

Bro's jaw dropped, but the rest of his face, of course, was obscured by a pair of sugoi sunglasses. "Get me a rope. I can't live in a world without napkins! This is… what! I told you to buy napkins at the store four hours ago. What the hell were you doing the entire time you were out?"

"Oh, I was just searchin' for some D," Dave said smoothly, givin' his bro a shit shrug.

The older Stroodle Strider raised an eyebrow. "Did you just give me a shit shrug? And what's this about D? What's a D?"

"Ya know, like a male appendage," Dave replied, taking a seat beside him.

That didn't seem to fare well with Bro. "You were searching for some di—"

"You can't say the actual word or else this entire story will explode!"

"Okay, okay," he said, patting Dave on the shoulder reassuringly. For some reason Dave then noticed that his brother was really sugoi looking. "I won't say it. But does that mean you're jumpin' the fence? Y'know, light in the loafers, one of the fairy-boys…"

Dave folded his arms. How dare his brother call him a fairyboy! What was he, some kind of terrible homophobe gaykiller! "Hey, shut up! I was just wantin' some D to plow me hard, ok! You don't have to be mean."

Bro took off his sugoi shades and rubbed at his eyes. Even for a gaykiller, Bro was very hot… "Ack. Plow you hard, is that what the kids say these days…"

Kawaii Dave Strider sat there in silence for a few moments. His red super awesome eyes (hidden by his kawaii glasses don't forget!) flickered between super sexy Bro and Bro's cereal. Those Cheerios sure looked soggy. And arousing. No, the arousing thing couldn't have been the soggy Cheerios! He looked back at Bro. He was probably packin' some muscles. And he had a D!

A D!

OMG, of course! How could Dave not have realized it sooner? Bro had a D and a D was a D, right? "How 'bout you do it?"

Bro glanced up at Dave like he had ten heads. "What did you just say to me?"

"I said that you"—Dave suddenly was in his lap—"should totally do me."

And after Dave said that Bro Strider snapped his little brother's neck.

"Aw, shit," Bro sighed as Dave's dead, limp body fell off him. "I just killed my incest-wanting fairykid Dave. Aw man. Maybe I am a gaykiller."