Remembered Love
Chapter 1 – (part 3) If you haven't read "Before Remembering" and "Please Remember Me" you might want to read those first before reading this one! So you guys were very excitable over the "Sookie wanting to run" ending so I figured I needed to post this pretty quickly or I would be burned at the stake. I love that you guys are that into the story and so willing to take care of poor Eric. But I don't think we will be needed. As always I own nothing but a huge Dalmatian who thinks he is a lap dog! CH Rules and I humbly bow at her feet and my beloved BETA sassyvampmamma and my "content/flow/hey that sucks take it out or that was great" girl KJWRIT~~ Thanks girls!
LAST TIME end of Before Remembering: I did not wake up until 10:15 the next morning. I smiled into Eric's chest but then I replayed last night's events. OH MY GOD! I had not only agreed to marry Eric but to let him turn me. I agreed to marry Eric Northman, Sherriff of Area 5 - not my Eric. This Eric comes with lots of complications. "Oh shepherd of Judea save me!" I mumbled.
I knew that I loved him and could not live without him, but I had an overwhelming desire to RUN!
As I felt his arms around me, I looked at his beautiful face and thought of how he told me that I "stopped the ache" I knew that running was no longer an option for me. I knew that time in my life was over and I couldn't run from my problems when I was afraid. I loved Eric Northman and he was a Sherriff with responsibilities and power. It was a package deal. It was just like he loved me, all of me, even the broken parts. I cuddled back against him and closed my eyes for a few more minutes. I had "human needs" to attend to so I reluctantly sat up and tried to locate the bathroom.
The room was black save for one lamp that was dimly lit on what seemed to be a desk so that was the direction I began to walk. Once there I saw an envelope on the desk with my name on it. The letter inside was several pages so I thumbed through it and saw that the first page said,
"Sookie, if you are sitting at the desk facing the bed, the bathroom is to your left and the exit to the bedroom and entrance to the elevator that goes to the kitchen is to your right." I smiled realizing he thought of me before he died for the day, but my "human needs" were becoming more urgent so I set the letter aside for now and picked up the t-shirt from the bottom of the bed as I walked toward the bathroom. Eric's bathroom was huge. It was all creamy marble with black accents and it was very masculine. It was Eric. I wanted to go back and read my letter but I REALLY needed a bathroom and felt grimy after a night of love making, not to mention the fact that I'd spent the majority of the prior evening on the floor of Eric's office – yuck!
After taking care of my "human needs" and the best shower of my life, well less the one with Eric, I wrapped a very "Eric sized" towel around myself and went back to the desk to continue my letter. I figured Eric had just left me instructions on how to get out of his resting place and then it dawned on me. WOW, He had brought me to his resting place, not just some bedroom in his house but his actual resting place. My heart did a little dance!
I sat down and began reading the next page of my letter. I was surprised that it wasn't just instructions that included a little hand drawn map like the first page was, but also what seemed to be a love letter. Eric Northman had written me a love letter. I smiled and giggled a little at the thought. I couldn't help but smile again as I looked at Eric's handwriting thinking that he really does have beautiful hand writing. My letter began,
Dearest Sookie,
I hope this morning finds you feeling better and rested. I have but one request, please do not leave. There is much we should discuss. Know that I need you to stay and I would love nothing more than to rise in your arms. Please forgive me and my callousness from last night and my carelessness of this past month. My heart broke last night when you said that you thought I hated you; please know that I do not now nor have I ever hated you. I care for you so much.
I realized as I read the letter that he had written it before we talked last night. This letter was from Eric Northman, Sheriff of Area 5 that made it even more of a miracle. But then I realized he wrote this when he was still in pain. He wrote this while I slept. I felt tears form in my eyes but looked past them needing to see what he had to say no matter the heartache it would bring me. The letter continued,
Sweet angel, I beg you not to go. I need you. Please you must believe me. Give me a chance to make this right, please. If you are hungry Pam has left food for you in the kitchen. She also should have left some clothing for you in the guest bedroom on that same floor next to the den.
As much as I want you to stay I understand if you cannot forgive me and feel that you must leave. If that is the case and you must leave please take my car. The keys are on the hook by the garage door. My cell is on the counter on the charger, so please take it as well. My only desire is for you to be safe and happy, even if that is without me.
But know this Sookie Stackhouse; I will not give up easily. I am over a thousand years old and can be very patient. I will win your heart. I love you Sookie. Please, stay.
I am yours,
E
The tears were now freely flowing down my face. I walked to the bed and stroked his hair; realizing only now that he had been in so much pain last night. He had hurt like I had.
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry you hurt last night. I'm here now. I will always be here for you!" I whispered.
I know he said that he ached for me but I hadn't even considered that he felt the same pain I had. I kissed his check and would have sworn I'd felt him move for a moment but that is not possible right? Vampires don't move in their sleep or do they? I had only slept with Bill the one time in Dallas and he had not even twitched. UGH, Dallas! What a freaking disaster that was. I shook the thought from my head and kissed Eric again and whispering once more,
"I am here baby. I love you!" I smiled as I tugged the oversized towel around me and padded off with my instructions on how to escape the "bat cave" and get to the kitchen. The security code to get the door to open was my social security number and birthday and I thought to myself, nice touch Viking. The elevator was a different set of numbers that made no sense until I realized the numbers 7822546873 spell out my last name on the key pad causing me to smile again. Eric said the kitchen was on 3 so I hit the number and set out on my adventure to find breakfast!
"Ok Pam, what did you get me for breakfast?" God love her there was fruit, bread for toast, pop-tarts and oatmeal to eat and Orange Juice to drink. I couldn't help but wonder where the hell did she get all this fresh fruit at 1am? I decided after a few moments of contemplation that I didn't care and just enjoyed the oatmeal with some fruit chopped up in it, choosing to save the bread and pop-tarts for an afternoon snack. I noticed that the kitchen was fully stocked and wondered exactly how much food Pam thought I needed for a day. Then it hit me. She had bought all of this because it is my home now too. Somehow Pam had known that Eric and I would find our way back to each other and she knew that I would be spending much of my time here. As I finished my oatmeal I remembered Pam had also bought me clothes. I shuddered at the thought at first, but since she had done such a good job with the food, I would bet she did a great job with the clothes too!
After my leisurely breakfast I made my way to the guest bedroom discovering that the room was almost an exact replica of my bedroom at home! Nice touch Viking, I thought again for the second time this morning. There were several bags of clothes from various designer stores and I once again asked myself "Where in the hell did she get all of this after hours?"
There was bag after bag after bag, all filled with expensive designer clothes. After going through them all and finding nothing that was comfortable enough to lounge around in, I saw a bag from Victoria's Secret. I checked it last and decided to wear a powder blue track suit I found inside with the cutest little white tank that seemed to go with it. You know what they say it is always the last place you look or the last bag, in this case.
I also found other "things" from Victoria's Secret that I would be wearing for Eric's benefit soon, very soon! Pam hadn't spared any expense and I made a mental note that I would have to talk to her about sending some of this back. It was just way too much, but I pushed that from my mind and went back to the bedroom to change out of Eric's towel and into my new plush cute outfit.
I stood there looking at Eric. It was only 11:30, which left me six hours until he rose. I could not help myself but to climb in bed with him. Once against him, he actually moved! I hadn't imagined it this morning! He pulled me closer to him and drew in a breath. There was a small smile on his lips and I felt my heart do the happy dance again. I made him happy even in his daytime sleep. I stayed in his arms and actually fell back asleep for an hour. After waking again I just took a moment to look at his face and I smiled. I was worried and a little scared, but when I thought back to earlier this morning when I had my temporary brain loss and thought about running home. I asked myself, "How stupid am I? I have everything I want and I was going to run? Why do I always want to run from him?" Where are these feelings coming from I wondered and as all the thoughts of running and why swam in my head I felt Eric's grip on me tighten and his face went from peaceful to agonized and I realized he was awake!
"No! Please lover no. Please don't leave me. Sookie… the ache… please, you promised… please…." he pleaded. He wasn't really awake yet he was speaking and his eyes were half opened. He must have been feeling my emotions. Just my thinking of running was hurting him. Oh my God, what would have happened if I had actually left and went home this morning? How could I keep hurting the man I love like this? I love him so much but I couldn't seem to protect him from me; I felt like there was something in that line of thinking but I pushed it away for now in order to soothe my sweet love.
"Eric, baby I'm here. I'm scared, but I swear I will NOT run. I will be here when you wake. I love you baby. I love you." I whispered in his ear, he smiled as he kissed my cheek and just like that he was dead to the world again.
I thought nervously of last night's conversation when Eric had asked me to be there when he rose:
Soon I was bundled back in his arms. "Sookie, be here when I rise?" He said as more of a question that a statement. He looked at me gently.
"I promise. I will be in your arms when you rise. What time is sunset tomorrow?" I swore and asked.
"5:31pm" he advised. I felt a shiver run though my body at that time but I said nothing. I let it go. It was just a coincidence. Everything would be fine. Just because he rose at 5:31 the night he forgot me last time did not mean it would happen again. So I snuggled in and slept like the dead.
I tried to not think about it but the more I tried the more I remember that night. The more I remembered the night he forgot our love, the night he forgot me, forgot us the more uncomfortable I became. I thought about the night he abandoned me. The way he left me as if I were no one and nothing to him was more than I could handle and I was suddenly back in that moment completely lost in that pain once again. I shook my head to clear the thoughts and left the room. Afraid if I stayed in the bedroom my emotions would keep waking Eric and stop him from resting well.
I dressed and went to the den and decided to watch some TV or DVD's as a temporary distraction until sunset. The closer it got to 5:31, the more afraid I became. I could not stop thinking of when he rose at my home and did not remember our love. I suddenly felt sick and started crying. Please God, please don't let it happen again. I tried telling myself that there was no way for it to happen because he was no longer cursed, but my heart would not listen to my head. What if he threw me away? What if he abandoned me again or changed his mind about loving me? I was terrified and even though it was only around 3:30, I ran to the elevator and into his room diving into bed with him as I begged.
"Eric, please wake up. Please tell me you remember me. Eric, Eric….I…Love you…" I sobbed. I was totally irrational and nothing I was saying made any sense but I needed him so much. I was about to start hyperventilating when I felt him move and heard his sweet voice.
"Lover, I am here. You are safe. Why are you so scared?" he asked with hooded eyes and soft voice.
"I'm scared you won't remember me again. I'm afraid you're gonna leave me. Oh Eric please don't go, please don't leave me. I can't watch you drive away from me again. I can still hear the way your tires sounded on the gravel when you left me. I can't do it again! I can't! I am not strong enough! I am so sorry… please… I am so scared. I can't live without your love." I cried. I laid there and continued to whimper his name as I felt his hand on my back. He started stroking my hair while he spoke to me so softly, so gently, I had to strain to hear him.
"Sookie, I won't leave you. Stay here in my arms. It will soothe you, trust me. I love you!" he paused for a moment to pull me closer and kiss the top of my head. "I can no longer fight the pull to rest but I will rise soon and I will love you all night. I will hold you all night. Whatever you need, whatever it takes. We will get each other through this. I swear Sookie you can trust me with your heart." and with that he was gone.
I took a deep breath and suddenly felt like a weight had been lifted. He must think I'm so weak. I knew that I really was stronger than this. I just felt so lost right now. The only time I've felt whole all day has been when I've been in his arms. Maybe that's why I felt so lost. Maybe I needed Eric to help me get through all these emotions and he needs me too. I began trying to make sense of my emotions and I sat up in bed but decided to stay right beside him. He was right, his presence did soothe me. Why did I want to run this morning? Why did I get so scared? So I started with the obvious which is that he loved me. Other men have said they loved me and left me, hurt me, abused me. I decided to follow that thought process as painful as it was obviously going to be.
Alright then, so if every man I have ever loved has hurt me, abused me or abandoned me in some way, where does it start? Daddy. Loosing Daddy started it all. It was the first straw. It wasn't Mom and Daddy's fault that they drowned in the flood but it broke something fundamental in me. Daddies make their little girls feel safe. Daddies aren't supposed to leave their little girls. I never really felt totally safe again. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It made me be afraid to be happy because I knew how fast good times can go bad. But how does that play into me wanting to run from Eric? He loves me, why do I want to run? Do I want to leave before our relationship goes bad? I was still unsure so I continued to sort through my past.
I knew what Uncle Bartlett did to me was unforgivable. There is a special place in hell for people who abuse children. He was supposed to love me and protect me but all he did was use and abuse me. What he did made me close myself off to the world. If it hadn't been for Gran, I wouldn't have been able to survive.
Gran had been my link to the world. As a child I clung to her, as a teen I had often hid behind her. I told would be friends that I could not go places with them because "Gran needs me at home." As a young woman I had hid behind her by telling myself I could not go to college because she needed me to stay home. I had used Gran as a security blanket and when Rene, who was supposed to be my friend, killed her he had ripped away my anchor and I began once again to withdraw from the world. Jason should have been there for me but he chose to attack me. He should have pulled me into his arms and told me as my big brother, that he would be there for me. Instead he chose to blame me for Gran's death and no amount of apologies afterward could fix what he had done that night.
But Jason was always of little or no use to me as far as emotional support went. He never understood what it would have meant to me if he would've used his popularity to help me in high school. But my "gift" made him nervous. He could have made people see me in a different light, something other than "Crazy" Sookie!" and I will never forget the day I actually heard him join in the teasing. He was a popular Senior, and I was a Freshman. "She can't help it really! She's always been a little slow!" He said that, he'd actually said that. I walked home alone, embarrassed and ashamed. I think I actually believed him for a while. I felt so betrayed. I sank further into myself and retreated there for close to a week. Gran confronted me and I told her what happened and after she smacked Jason in the head, she told me I was beautiful, bright and special. It made me feel better but the damage was done, I still loved Jason but I would never really trust him with my feelings again.
Then I meet Bill. UGH, Bill. I had trusted and loved him unconditionally and look at how well that turned out. He abandoned me in Dallas to seek revenge and get a feed. He flaunted other women in front of me while on our "break." He left me for Lorena and did not even have the decency to break up with me. He had Eric and Pam do it. I mean who does that? A teenage boy maybe but not a 150 year old vampire!
Then I thought of my love, my Eric. It always seemed to always be Eric who made everything okay. When Longshadow attacked me it was Eric who saved me. When the Maenad attacked me it was Eric who called Dr. Ludwig, took the majority of the poison from my body and paid the bill.
It was Eric who sat with tweezers and gently removed the glass out of my arm in that hotel room in Dallas while telling me stories to keep my mind off of the pain. It was Eric who threw his body over mine and took the first bullet to save me at Stan's house when we were attacked. It was Eric who took me to that damn orgy and made sure no one hurt me.
It was Eric who followed me to Jackson to be sure I was safe. It was Eric who stayed with me when everyone else had left me after I was staked. It was Eric who held me in the back of that car all the way to Russell's estate and took gentle care of me. It was Eric who gave me his blood to heal me so I could save Bill. It was Eric who pulled me out of the trunk of that car after Bill attacked me and it was Eric who took me home and saved me over and over from the Jackson Were's. It was Eric who paved my drive way. It was such a small act, but it was something he knew I needed.
It was Eric who, even with his memory loss, saved me over and over during the whole Were-Witch war. It was Eric who took that bullet from Debbie Pelt's gun. Even when he lost our time together he had bought me that red coat just because he knew I needed one. It was always Eric. OH MY GOD! It is Eric! It has always been Eric!
I had my "light bulb" moment as Oprah would call it. The last person who loved me and took care of me like this was Gran. Gran believed in me, loved me and cared for me. When I lost Gran, it devastated me but now I had Eric. Eric is the one who had always believed in me and he had loved me through it all. And I realized that I knew all along that he loved me, or at the very least cared for me and I had been pushing him away because I didn't want to hurt again like I did when Gran died. I wanted to run because I was afraid of Eric dying, not of him leaving me! Crap! What. The. Hell?
Then to top it all off I realized, "Holy cow, I have loved Eric for as long as he has loved me." All of the times he came for me, protected me, now I understood exactly why I had acted the way I had. I had loved Eric Northman since Jackson too, and I was terrified he was going to get killed one of these days while trying to save me and I would end up all alone again! I was more afraid of him getting killed while attempting to save me than of him failing to save me and me dying. I was afraid he would get caught up in some of my self-induced drama and get himself killed. I wanted to run because I was afraid he would leave me by dying so I was trying to beat him to the punch and leave first to keep him from getting killed. Oh my stars, well this is going to be an interesting night.
We were going to have to face this together and that meant talking about three situations. First, we had to talk about the pain and hurt of the last month that we both experienced. I was going to have to tell him about what happened the night he left me and the night he left me that damn check. That conversation in and of itself was going to be emotionally draining but on top of that I have two more points to make. So secondly, I am going to have to tell Eric I'm afraid he's going to abandon me by dying on me. And last but not least, but what I am betting will be his personal favorite; I'm afraid my danger magnet self will get him killed and that's why I have been running from him and pushing him away. Oh hell, why can't we just have hot monkey sex instead? Well maybe later….
OK so there it is... my theory on Sookie and her always running. Let me hear from you! Please review. I love them like Lady Gaga love shiny things!