A/N: I am far, far too bored for my own good. I fear for my own sanity. Anyhow, this story is for James, for he is a dear lovely brother, and is as insane as this story is, if not, more.

The night was a dark and stormy one. Lightning cackled and lit up the sky for a split second, then disappeared all over again. A lonely, abandoned cottage, far away from civilization, housed an evil villain and his faithful servant.

Ring, ring.

"Pass me my cell phone, you measly twit." Voldemort sat snugly in a couch by the fireplace, commanding his servant, Peter Pettigrew.

"Hurry and scurry like the little rat you are."

Ring, ring.

"Yes milord." The balding man quickly ran into his master's bedroom and back again, taking the cell phone with him.

"Here you are, master."

Voldemort nodded in approval, and with a flick of his wrist, dismissed Pettigrew. He frowned as he looked upon his caller identification. Private number?

"Hello, this is the Great Lord Voldemort speaking, ready to take over the world."

"Why, hello Oldie Voldie Moldy! It's been such a long time since we've talked, hasn't it?"

Voldemort's face lost whatever colour it still had when he heard the voice.

"Ha… Harry Potter! What are you doing, calling me up at this ungodly hour!"

"Nothing actually, I'd just want to make sure you remember our agreement. And since it's been a while since we last conversed, I'd like to do a little checking up on you."

"Yes, of course I remember our agreement. Do you want me to spell it all out for you, now?"

"That would be nice."

"Well, I am supposed to lie low for the time being, attacking only to scare. Then after the world has put its guard down I strike with full force. And you, boy, will duel me in front of the whole wizarding world, and I shall kill you and rule the world as it's almighty leader! Mwahahahahaha!"

"Now, Voldie, you know that's not what we agreed."

"Yes, yes. We duel, you win after a long battle, I die, and go to hell."

"That's absolutely perfect."

"Remind me again, why I am doing this?"

"Because you, my friend and foe, do now know the extent of power I have. I have read your mind thoroughly enough to know that you have a secret desire to make mad love to Albus, and you have a fetish for pink. In order for you to surrender gracefully and with showmanship, instead of in humiliation and embarrassment, we have decided to stage a duel between the two of us."

"Oh, right."

"By the way, did you like the pink fluffy bunny slippers I got you for Christmas?"

"They were from you? But I thought it was from my Aunt Nancy!"

"Now, really, do you think I am that dumb to send you something and say it's from me?

"They're pretty warm… It tends to tingle my toes a bit."

"The bunny slippers are nice, snug and fuzzy. Once you put them on, you can't take them off. I'll let you take them off before the duel… Unless you've been naughty. But do remember, if you put one toe out of line, they will constrict and trust me, it hurts."

"How would you know?"

"Ah, you've never been at the receiving end of Molly's wrath haven't you? Put that together with Fred and George's pranks…"

"I see the Almighty Harry Potter has met his match."

"Not really, Molly's far too nice, I can't blackmail her."

"Molly, that prim and proper Weasley mother? What dirty little secret does she have?"

"Nothing concerning you, not to worry. Now Arthur, on the other hand, might have something to worry about."

"Yes…?"

"Let's just say I've gone through the attic and removed any form of handcuffs and whips and dangerous weaponry. It'll save the poor man a lot of pain.

Now Voldie, tell me then, as part of the plan for lying low, what exactly have you been up to?"

"I've gotten a new karaoke set, actually, would you like to have a go at it?

"No thanks, singing is not exactly my thing."

"Ah, but this set is different. It has your favourite song in it!"

"You mean it has the ding dong song?"

"Oh yes. Oooh, you touch my tralala. Mmm, my ding ding dong."

"Then I must go and try it one day."

"Yes, do come over. I've just learnt how to bake a marvelous pumpkin pie."

"Alright, I do have to leave now. You know muggle contraptions such as these are not allowed on school grounds, and with my power I only can do so much. The phone lines don't stretch all the way here. Besides, I hear Filch prowling about in the night. Detection is still possible with my invisibility cloak."

"Yes, Potter. You're leaving me again."

"You have Wormtail."

"That guy is no fun."

"Sigh, alright. I'll let you attack one more time. Just once. But it cannot be anywhere near Hogwarts."

"Oh goodie!"

"Until next time, Voldie."

"Wait! Potter, could you send me another teddy bear? Wormtail put a hole through this one again."

"Yes Voldie. Now, stop stalling. Good bye."

Click.

Voldemort looked down upon his cell phone, and sighed. It's going to be another three long months before Harry would call again, and another three long months of solitude.

"You filthy rat! Go warm my bed for me! I want to sleep soon!"

"But master, you don't use a bed, you use a cot."

Oh yes, it's going to be a very, very long three months.