A/N: I wrote this for the Kurtbastian Hiatus Project prompt 'secrets' but I held on to it 1) because I was bothered by the spoilers 2) I wasn't that thrilled with it. The writing style is meant to be raw and crass, but I was afraid it came off as tasteless. Meh. Let me know what you think. Warning for angry sex and crude imagery.
Kurt and Sebastian's relationship, if you can call it that, is purely one of convenience.
They're not boyfriends. They're not fuck buddies or friends with benefits, because that would imply a fondness that doesn't exist between them.
During the day, they barely see one another, with Kurt attending NYADA and Sebastian taking classes at NYU. When they do happen to bump into each other, randomly eating lunch at the same diner or passing one other in the subway, waiting for opposing trains, Kurt can hardly stand Sebastian. Sebastian never seemed to grow out of his need to make constant jabs at Kurt's expense or his snarky attitude, which spiraled to new heights with age.
But at night, Kurt doesn't need to like him. He understands him. In bed together – touching, kissing, biting, scratching - they speak the same language.
They both carry pain, disappointment, heartbreak, loneliness, but they don't speak it out loud. They don't discuss their feelings, they don't commiserate, they don't cry on each other's shoulders.
They fuck. That's all.
Together in the dark, they use each other's bodies, and in this way, they are both free to daydream. They can be whomever, fuck whomever, take revenge on whomever they desire.
Sebastian's list of victims is pretty lengthy, but at present, Kurt's list only has one name on it – a name he utters every so often when things get too intense and he can't help himself, when he dips into memories that are too vivid, when he opens wounds that have no hope of healing.
Sebastian knows what to do when he hears that name slip. He's become an expert at making Kurt forget, at numbing the stings and erasing the memories, until sometimes Kurt doesn't even remember where he is or how he got there. When he reaches that point, when the pain disappears, he's free to enjoy Sebastian's body.
But it doesn't last.
Even though the act of sex fills the holes, coming down from the high rips them open again.
Punched back into reality, Kurt sometimes cries. Sebastian tries to comfort him, but Kurt doesn't let him. Kurt shrugs Sebastian off, but the imprints his kisses and his touches leave on Kurt's skin will still be with him in the morning.
Kurt springs out of bed when it's over, with Sebastian's cum still wet on his ass. Sebastian watches Kurt with amusement as he turns his back to him and dresses quickly, modest all of a sudden after spending over an hour riding Sebastian's cock.
"You know, this shy violet act you put on after we fuck," Sebastian teases, making it a point to look Kurt's body over as obscenely as he can so that Kurt can feel his eyes on his skin, "I love it. It's super hot."
"Get over yourself," Kurt mutters. "You're really full of it if you think anything I do I do for you."
Sebastian stands from the bed, making no move to cover himself – red bite marks and purple bruises visible on his chest and thighs - and stands behind him. Sebastian doesn't try to touch Kurt - just his standing there is enough.
"Stay," Sebastian whispers as Kurt pulls up his jeans and does up the buttons. "Spend the night. Just this once."
Kurt doesn't turn his head to look at Sebastian when he scoffs at him, not needing to see the expression on his face.
Because if he does, he might give in.
"I don't think so," Kurt says instead, throwing on his shirt. "You know what this is."
"Come on, princess," Sebastian says, sincerely trying to persuade him but needling him a little with the nickname since he knows Kurt's going to turn him down anyway. "It's the same song you sing every time you leave, and the tune's getting kinda old."
This time Kurt does turn around to glare at him, needing Sebastian to see him so that Sebastian can fully appreciate the depth of his loathing.
A lot of it is a lie. Kurt doesn't truly loathe Sebastian. In many ways, he wouldn't have made it through his broken engagement to stand on his own two feet again without him. But there's no point mentioning it since they don't have a future together.
"This," Kurt says, throwing his jacket on, "this thing that we do…it's for us. But it doesn't mean anything. It's just a stop gap. It can end any time. One day, one day soon, I won't show up at all, and you'll go to a bar or a night club and find another ass to invade…" Kurt snaps his fingers for emphasis, "just like that."
"Just like that, huh?" Sebastian asks with a smug smile, repeating the snap.
Kurt rolls his eyes.
"Fuck you, Smythe," Kurt says, winding his scarf around his neck.
"You just did," Sebastian retorts, "or more to the point, I fucked you, but what's the point? Semantics doesn't matter."
Kurt shakes his head, checking his pockets for his keys, finding them in the first one but rummaging through the rest anyway, stalling for a few seconds more.
Being with Sebastian is not exactly the intimacy he wants, but right now it's all he has, and lately it's getting harder and harder to let it go and leave it behind.
"So, I'll see you this Wednesday?" Sebastian asks. Monday, Wednesday, Friday – that's the deal, until something better comes along.
"Maybe," Kurt says. Maybe is the only answer Kurt ever gives. It's annoying as fuck, but Sebastian knows that it's Kurt's way of holding on to hope.
Sebastian has Kurt's body, at least for now.
Who is he to take away Kurt's hope?