Hello everyone! This is my first fan fiction so please be lenient. Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated and flamers will be ninja slapped.

Disclaimer: I do not own bleach (because it tastes bad) or Bleach (because it is too epic).

Warning: This story may include, but is not limited to, AU, OOC, OCs, violence in movies and sex on TV, random people, and other stuff. Oh yeah, and there's some very light homosexual/bisexual people later on so no haters please.

Without further adieu, enjoy!

WTFAI

Ah. Another absolutely beautiful and glorious sunrise came peaking over the horizon. Ichigo stared out over the sea of dancing green trees and admired the beauty... Wait a-

WHERE THE FUCK AM I? ( - The Title)

"Holy shi-!" He sprung out of bed on the alert. Something was off. No, everything was off! A little dizzy from getting up too fast, he looked around the room that was not there when he went to sleep last night. Ok, well that was his bed and his desk and those were his pictures…

To reduce the bombardment of questions assaulting his mind, he sat back on his bed to organize his thoughts. Sighing, he closed his eyes. He folded his fingers together in thought and stared at the carpeted floor (which used to be hardwood) between his feet. He numbered all the things he was sure of for now.

1) This was not his room.

2) All his stuff was in this (not his) room.

2.5) Where was his iPod?

3) This wasn't his home.

4) This wasn't even remotely close to Karakura Town.

5) What the HELL did dad do?

"Good morning!" His dad said appearing out of nowhere and hitting Ichigo with an elbow to the temple. The sharp blow sent an annoyed son flying from his bed to the ground. He slowly turned his head, which throbbed even more now, to send deathly glares to the completely irresponsible "adult". The taller male stood there smiling like an idiot, utterly unaware of the inner turmoil his son was facing.

"Damn it you!" Ichigo said sending a kick his father's way. A flurry of blocks, kicks, elbows and punches flew from both parties. The victor? Who's always the victor?

"Brother! Hurry or you'll be late for breakfast!" His sweet little sister Yuzu called.

Ichigo trudged down the stairs annoyed about being up so early. Last time he checked it had been Friday. Where had the Sunday he was guaranteed to have gone? Shiro must have backed out on his promise. Surprisingly though, he didn't feel tired at all. The usual lack of sleep seemed to be nonexistent. Cool.

He plopped down at the table to enjoy some fluffy pancakes with syrup that should actually be called thick sugar-stuff. Seriously, was there anything else in syrup?

"Karin! Ichigo was mean to me!" Ichigo's odd father complained to the older of his two daughters.

"Do you think I care?" Karin apathetically replied.

Bursting into a new round of tears, Isshin (that's Ichigo's dad's name by the way) ran to the giant poster of his wife saying, "They are going through adolescence! What should I do-"

"Again with the poster? You really need to grow up dad." Karin said. Oh, and if words could kill, well, Isshin would have died a long time ago.

Mumbling something about Karin being unfair, the loser of fights promptly ran to cry in his room. Again.

Ichigo had finished his breakfast, gotten his stuff, and was on his way to the door. He wanted to escape from his house, but also didn't want to go to school. Maybe he would just skip today and hang out with a couple friends...

"I'm off." Ichigo called finally reaching the door.

"Um, do you know how to get to school?" Yuzu asked slightly worried.

Always nicer to his precious sisters but still annoyed by the question, he replied, "I go there Monday through Friday. I think I know how to get there."

"Oh, really? Even though-" Yuzu said.

Ichigo opened the door and took a few steps only to slam face-first into a brick wall. He crumpled to the ground in pain holding his bloody nose. Yuzu winced at the sound. Karin just smirked.

"Even though we moved?" Yuzu finished quietly.

...

Moved?

Chad sat in his room staring at the blank, white wall that matched his expression.

...

"... Ichigo ... moved."

Ichigo was so very close to losing it by then. Still squatting on the ground, he could hear the barely audible snickers coming from his little sister, Karin. If there was ever a time he was glad to be Ichigo, it was now. Shiro would have already broken a few things.

"YES MY DEAR SON!" Isshin shouted as he sprang from thin air. Ichigo jumped to his feet at the sudden appearance half ready for another attack. His dad was even stealthier with the carpeted floors. Ichigo made a mental note of that. "You have been accepted into Sereitei High for the Exceptionally Gifted!"

"...Eh?" Ichigo blankly replied.

"Your grades and Shiro's martial arts have been discovered by that rich prep school." Karin explained.

"You mean the one that's always on the news for having really amazing students?" Yuzu asked.

"Yeah. As long as you enter the kendo club and score in the top 10% of the class, your tuition is paid for." Karin said finishing off her set of pancakes.

Ichigo just blinked. He still didn't quite get what was going on here. Seeing this, Yuzu gave an excellent explanation as to what the Hell was going on around here. Apparently Shiro got into a fight with one of the students from said rich school and beat the poor kid to a bloody pulp. The teachers, instead of getting mad like any normal supervisors would, were impressed with Shiro so they decided to do a little research. They found out that Shiro was one of the few people in the world they "collected". He was a Soul Reaper.

Soul Reapers are people who have split personalities. The physical body and character changes depending on the personality (if only slightly). Let's take Ichigo/Shiro for example. Ichigo has tan skin, orange hair, and honey eyes. Whenever he becomes unconscious whether from sleep, being knocked out or anything else, his hair and skin fade to pure white. The whites of his eyes turn black and the honey color becomes a shining gold. This albino fighting machine is Shiro. When Shiro falls into unconsciousness, his features and character go back to Ichigo's.

Their characters are drastically different. Ichigo is very good in school, typically ranking 1st or 2nd in his grade for as long as he could remember. He has many good friends whom he trusts and would do anything to protect. Shiro on the other hand only loves himself and fighting. He could pick a fight with a turtle just to have some competition. No one can really be called his friend but there are some who have talked to him without it ending in a fight. (Oh wait, one of them was that guy he beat up last week… And then the rest tried to get revenge just to face the same fate. Never mind then!)

Oh! And one last minor detail. Soul Reapers have no idea what their other personality does. This is why Ichigo had no idea that they moved. Shiro was awake during that time. If Ichigo ever wanted Shiro to know something, he either had to write it down or ask someone else to tell Shiro for him.

Anyways, so this school normally reserved for those ridiculously rich kids offered him a free scholarship to attend... And Shiro actually agreed? There had to be some kind of catch.

"Oh yeah, and I guess you don't know this, but you have to take a train to school." Yuzu added pausing from washing the dishes with a thoughtful finger in the air.

"And wear a uniform." Karin stated with a Devil-may-cry attitude from the living room couch, scoffing at Ichigo's groan of displeasure. "... Hey, when does that train leave again?"

"The last one leaves at 7:45. Why?" Yuzu asked.

With that evil little sister smirk, she said, "Because it's 7:30 now."

"EEHHHH?" Ichigo cried out in horror. "I can't be late on the first day!" He started running along the brick wall not knowing he was going the wrong way.

"Ah, don't forget your uniform!" Yuzu called to her hopelessly lost older brother.

"Oh, right right." He mumbled running back to his room. Well, sort of. After stepping into the doorway, he looked in to a house that was not his. Oh yeah.

There was a little hallway in front of the door with a coat closet to the right (this being the first door he checked while look for his room) and an umbrella rack to the left. The hallway opened up into a relatively large room. On the left was the living room complete with a ridiculously small TV and battered up couch. There was a wall to the right with a huge window opening up to the kitchen area.

He glanced into the living room and finding nothing that looked like a bedroom there, ran to the end of the windowed wall. A rectangular kitchen with warn out appliances was behind it, and in the entryway to the kitchen sat a little table where he vaguely remembered eating breakfast this morning.

And that's when it hit him. Stairs! He walked down some stairs this morning after flipping his dad into a wall.

Turning around, he spotted a skinny flight of stairs at the end of the living room closest to him and farthest from the front door. He couldn't see them from the door because they were hidden behind a wall. Taking three steps at a time, he sprinted up the stairway.

BAM!

The top of the staircase was a little too short for his head. That bleeding forehead of his fell all the way back down the stairs, earning him another few bumps on the back of his head. Thankfully he wasn't knocked out. Ichigo did NOT want Shiro to be awake on the first day. First impressions are important. Like he cared though.

"Big brother, are you OK?" Yuzu asked, the concern apparent in her eyes. Ichigo worried the poor kid to death with his clumsiness sometimes.

She was in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast. Having finished that, she went to grab her brother a bandage from one of the cupboards. Ichigo spotted a variety of medicine bottles including the ibuprofen she so thoughtfully snagged. Wetting a washcloth and putting a little disinfectant on it, she went over to tend to Ichigo's wounds.

Ichigo squatted to allow his adorably kind sister to carefully clean his forehead and apply his favorite ninja print adhesive. Handing him two pills, Ichigo downed them without the need of water.

"Thanks Yuzu." He said smiling with brotherly kindness.

"Hum? I thought you were going to school today. I don't really care if you do but-" Isshin asked scratching the back of his head. He was just reemerging from what Ichigo assumed to be his dad's bedroom.

"DAMN IT!" Ichigo screamed in furry. Now he took the steps four at a time, careful not to hit his head again.

He threw open the door closest to him on the right. The bright colors, butterflies, stuffed animals and all around adorable girly things were neatly in their respectful places. It had to be Yuzu's room.

Ichigo shut that door and ran to the adjacent one. Swinging it open, he was met with bats and balls of every shape and size for a variety of sports, an electric guitar, and some other awsome stuff and other punk girl would only dream of. This was obviously Karin's room.

The door Ichigo's dad came out of was the one next to Karin, so he practically jumped to the door beside Yuzu's room. Tired of frantically searching like an idiot, he was relieved to see the delightfully plain room containing the bare minimum that Ichigo needed. Handing on the top of the door of the open closet on the left wall of the room was his wrinkle-less school uniform.

He threw off the casual shirt he was wearing and searched through his closet. Hum, I choose you. He thought as he pulled the selected white t-shirt over his head. It was the luckiest and softest undershirt he had. He had worn it on the day of the high school entrance exams and it scored him a spot in the school of his dreams: Karakura High. It was where all his friends were going. The curriculum wasn't too hard or too easy. Now because of one of his father's stupid whims, he had to go to some school he knew nothing about with people he didn't care about.

He then buttoned up a dark navy, long sleeve shirt with the school's logo stitched into the upper left corner. He shrugged off his favorite jeans (tear) and pulled on the stiff, tan dress pants. A brown belt and pair of brown shoes later and he was finally ready.

Snagging his schoolbag that looked a lot like a briefcase, he bounded out of his room and leaped down the stairs. Yuzu handed him his lunch and a map to the school as he raced past the kitchen and out the door.

As you can imagine, Ichigo is way past irritated. It took every fiber of his willpower not to cuss out the entire world for being against him this morning. By the time he ran out the door, it was already 7:50.

Damn it all! Already late on my first day. Ichigo thought bitterly to himself. At least it couldn't get much worse, right? What could possibly go wrong?

Unfortunately for Ichigo, when it rains, it pours.

I guess he will find out what the catch is when he gets to school, huh? If he can even make it there in one piece… (Teaser)

Well this turned out longer than anticipated. Thank you very much for reading! Now all you have to do to get a lollipop is review! It will be green apple. I mean, review only if you want to but it would be a big help and everything, so pretty please review!

P.S. Just in case you didn't notice, I laced in some phrases from other shows, movies, books, anime, manga or other. (I give said phrases to their rightful owners. This is just a friendly competition.) The one who can catch them all and name the show, book, etc. it comes from wins! Post your findings in your review! (Yes, this is all a ploy to get you to review. Got a problem with that?) I will announce the winner in chapter 2 coming out sometime next week. Good luck everyone and may the Schwartz be with you!