Brink: Leaves and Heartbreaks
A leaf was barely hanging from the tree while the wind blew at it unforgivingly. It holds on, not wanting to let go of the tree. For quite some time, that tree was its home, its safe place. It'll remain there as long as it could, not letting go; not yet.
It started with a seed. Before the tree became enormous, with fruits and branches and leaves hanging from it, it was once a seed planted. Do you remember the first time we met? I was in the library browsing for books when the most cliché thing happened: I was reaching out for a Harry Potter book when you did too and our fingers touched. We both looked at each other at the same time and you smiled at me. For the years to come, it was going to be my most favorite part of you: your smile. I returned it with a reserved smile and you chuckled, a hearty laugh that made my heart race a little bit faster. God, I was thinking that during that moment I had found the most beautiful woman in the world. My insecurities were eating up on me. You were different. I was a typical blonde girl with blue eyes and not much of curves in the body. I like to think that I didn't hit puberty yet. But you, you were already a goddess. You had long dark hair and your eyes were as brown as chocolate. You were taller than me and you had an athletic body. You got the book from the shelf and handed it over to me. "Here, you can have it." And when I reached out and our fingers made contact again. "I'm Emily by the way." I think it was a pretty name for a pretty face; it suits you but I had never told you that. It was a couple of years later. "I'm Alison." I braved myself and held out my hand, you took it and we shake. That's when our seed was planted: in the library, because of a Harry Potter book.
It's watered, gotten enough sunlight, and taken care of. It was a routine for us, then. Every vacant time we shared, we went to the library, reading books and enjoying each other's company. It was during one of those moments when we're immersed with a book that you inched your hand closer to mine. I didn't flinch so you took it as a positive sign as you intertwined our fingers. We held hands for the first time; it was the first of many. Soon after, you had tasked yourself to wait for me during dismissals so you could walk me home. We would talk about our day. We would laugh, and share silent smiles and held hands some more.
"I think I'm gay." You blurted out one day as we were walking to my home. I appreciated the gesture. I appreciated how you walk me home every afternoon just so we could talk, as you had put it. As if we didn't do anything but talk. I appreciated it more knowing that you live in the opposite direction. You are such an idiot sometimes. "Why would you think that?" I countered, knowing that this is a sensitive matter to you and I was there to make you feel that it was okay.
"I think I like a girl… Well, I've liked girls before, but I was thinking maybe because I just want to be like them, to look like them. But as time passes by, I realized it was different. That I see boys as friends, or sometimes they repulse me." You let out a hearty chuckle at that. "But I have always liked the company of girls. Although they make me shy sometimes and I feel awkward when I get too close to one I feel attracted to-" You paused then, lingering your eyes at me. "I just love it when I'm with her." I didn't wanna press you then. I didn't want you to say who the hell that girl was so I could challenge her into a match or something. Instead I seek your hand and intertwined our fingers: our silent way of comforting each other. "It's okay to be gay. I have actually accepted it to myself a long time ago; that I was different; that I both like boys and girls; that I love with my heart and not my gender." I opened up to you. I wanted you to know that you weren't alone and I wanted to help you accept yourself. "It makes you a more colorful person, let's put it that way. You love differently but that doesn't make you different. You're a good person and that's what matter most." I finished my little encouraging speech but you were still frowning.
"How could you say I'm a good person?" I rolled my eyes at you because that was a question with a very obvious answer. But nevertheless, I replied, "Who else would walk a girl to her home on the opposite direction of her house, stay and help the girl with her assignment, listen to the girl drone on her problems about her family? You're the only one who does that to me Em, and I appreciate you more because of that."
Then you smiled at me. And you blushed. It was so cute.
"Am I making you shy?" I asked. You didn't answer. You didn't have to.
It became a stem and continued to grow. "I love you." I can't help the impish smile that adorned my lips when you told me that. We didn't care if we were soaking wet from the pouring rain as we were going home. "I just realized that the world can end any minute; that I could die at any moment and I don't want a moment to pass when I couldn't tell you how I feel. The first time I saw you, I knew I had been hit big time. Each time I hold your hand, it's like I'm holding the whole world. You're beautiful but you don't even know it. You laugh so hard without even a care in the world. You make me fall in love with you every day that my heart swells for what I feel for you. And truly, there is nothing in this world I would aspire to than for you to fall in love with me." I hold your face and looked straight in your eyes, my second favorite thing about you.
"You don't have to aspire for anything. I love you, too."
It matured, it developed, and the once was seed became a full-grown tree. "I promise to cherish you forever, to be by your side till death do us part." Did you remember how you reverently proclaimed your love to me in front of all the people we love on our wedding the day? You looked so beautiful and proud and when you looked at me, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I reciprocated your wedding vows, telling you that I will always be by your side. I will love you as long as God permits me too and I will be the best wife you'll ever have. You chuckled at that, water continued to form at the brim of your eyes. That was one of the rare moments I saw you cry. And when the minister told you to kiss the bride, you leaned in and said,
"Now that it's official, you're the best wife I could ever have."
The wind would eventually test it, but it sways; it bends but it never breaks. We were staring at each other, arms crossed. No, I was shooting daggers at you with my eyes wishing that anytime you should be dead. "You could've texted me. You could've grabbed your stupid phone, text me that you won't be coming home for dinner instead of making we wait here like a complete idiot. I cooked for you! I burned my hands just to make your stupid spaghetti!" I yelled at you, and you looked at me so helplessly, I felt a bit guilty. "I'm sorry, love. We just solved a big case and me and the guys wanted to celebrate so we went to the bar. I got lost track of the time. I really am sorry." You apologized but I won't be swayed.
"You are sleeping on the couch tonight." I bravely proclaimed before you let out a defeated sigh and went towards our bedroom to get your pillows. And as I lay awake for most of the night during that time, I contemplated whether I did the right thing. I had totally forgotten that you telling me how your day had been were my favorite bed time story.
The tree ages, the leaves falling down one after the other. And then there's this one leaf that hangs on. "I'm still not done with my purpose." it whispers to itself. "Hang in there."
It was a gloomy Sunday when we found out about your condition. You were complaining over breakfast that you're chest continued to hurt. Our daughter, Katie even gave you her inhaler thinking that you were having an asthma attack like she usually does. You smiled at her and told her, "You need it more than I do, sweetie. Mommy's going to be fine." And as she mirrored the exact same smile I have come to love and nodded, she replied, "I know you will be Mommy. Mama's going to take care of you like she does with me."
Katie was a wonderful kid. She was a blue-eyed, brunette wonder, with your smile and personality and my mannerisms sometimes. We provided for her needs, doubled our love to her. We didn't want her to think that she was different; that just because she was a child of a gay couple, people could hate her for it. She was one of your eggs and I carried her. It was a bond we all three shared; I guess that's what keeps us close. Even if we didn't share any DNA, one thing we have in common is that we both love you with all our heart.
We went to the hospital and you were brought in to be tested. I waited anxiously, praying that you'll turn out unscathed. But I wasn't right. It turned out you had lung cancer, something about genetics being one of the possible reasons. But then you added maybe it's because of a plant near your work place, you inhaled a lot of toxics.
"Didn't I ever tell you, I didn't want you to be a policeman?" I softly asked you, as you were lying weakly in one of the hospital beds. You smiled at me and it made me tear up. Would God give me sufficient time to witness that smile? "I was always stubborn, love. But I have always wanted to protect you, you and Katie. And besides, how many traffic violations had you dodged because I was the one who caught you and a little kiss is enough bribery for me to not give you a ticket?" We both laughed heartedly at that.
I stayed with you all throughout. Through the vomiting, the cries of hurt, the times you needed to go to the bathroom. I stayed with you through every whine of hopelessness and self-pity. I held your hand like you did mine all those years ago. It was in the moments that you wake up and smile at me, your eyes twinkling and telling me, "You're the most beautiful girl I had ever laid my eyes on." It felt like everything was back to normal then. I would kiss your cheek. "I love you so much, baby." I would say. "I love you too, love." You'd reply.
"It's time to let go." The little leaf whispers to itself. It braced itself as it let the wind carry it and let it fall down.
It was a sunny Monday when you passed away. During the night, we were happily chatting. You, Katie and I, we were talking about Katie's dream of becoming a police like you. "I'll chase down the bad guys like you Mom. I'll handcuff them and put them into jail!" Katie animatedly talked with her mommy and he can't help but to chuckle. She gestured for me to get the bag and she rummaged for her badge in there. "Okay then, Officer Katie Fields, I leave you my badge as a sign that someday you will be the greatest policewoman the world will ever see." And as Katie smiled at her dad who turned into a serious a face a moment after, I know she knows. It was time. "I promise, Mommy. I'll do my best." she ruffled his child's curly blonde hair. "What about me? What are you leaving me?" I asked curiously. "Well, ah..." She stopped, frowning as if she's really giving it some deep thought.
"Well love, you'll always have my heart."
But then the tree would bear its fruits, and the fruits would have their seeds. And once the seeds are planted again, a new tree would be born. My hands were red from clapping as Katie's name was called during her graduation ceremony. I was crying and beaming with pride. She had her Mommy's badge clipped on her toga, and as her class valedictorian, she was to give a speech.
"A great man once told me that I was going to be the greatest policewoman in the world and that's what I aspire to be. Mommy, wherever you are, these medals are for you. I love you, Mommy." And as the years go by, Katie won cases over cases. Awards and recognitions were given to her. I couldn't be prouder. And as she smiled at me during that day on her graduation, I know that God granted my wish of seeing that smile; that smile that was so likely her other mother: the girl, who I witnessed became a woman who gave me her heart in exchange of my own.