Summary: Until you are able to feel, what he gives has to be enough for you. AkuRoku
Warnings: First try on writing a story in the KH-verse... Non-AU. The things I do for the people I love... (Yes, Salem, I mean you!)
Pairings: AxelxRoxas
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters. I also do not make profit out of using them for writing fanfiction.
Until You Are Able To Feel – Chapter 1
You ache and hurt all over, but right now, you don't even mind. You hate to admit it, but you are used to it; you are used to the pain, you even welcome it, because it's one of the very few things you can actually feel.
You know your Superior's explanations by heart. Rather different from other members of the Organization, mostly the younger ones, you listen to the Superior's rants every time. You hunger for more knowledge about hearts, nobodies, emotions, because you don't remember what it was like to feel. You remember nothing.
But you know pain has nothing to do with a heart. It's just physical. Physical things you understand. But even physical feelings like pain seem so dimmed; you know normal humans would have passed out after hours of hacking and slicing their way through a horde of heartless, after claws ripped their flesh open, after they tried to pick up a keyblade with their wrist broken…
The last mission wasn't too bad. Yes, you are in pain, but it's not as bad as it could have been; had that last heartless actually hit you, you would probably be hurt quite badly and would have to stay in your room until someone bothered to bring you a potion or cast a healing spell on you. You can't do that yourself after the missions. You always feel too drained; almost every time you just pass out on your bed, not caring if your wounds need treatment. You're always told you are too reckless, but you don't intend to change anything.
But now you can sit here, up at the clock tower in Twilight Town, and the pain isn't as bad as it could have been. You guess that, had you had a heart, you could have felt happy and content.
"Wow, aren't you a ray of pure sunshine in the dark?"
… Well, had you had a heart and had you been alone, not with that annoying, red-haired freak.
"… Shut up," you reply, bored. Well… what would have been bored if… Right, you have to stop this. You're starting to confuse yourself. You know you are not really bored. You know you can't feel bored. Yet still your body obviously tries to… mimic feelings your Other once felt, even if you can't remember them at all.
"Yep, all bright and sunshine-y." From the corners of your eyes you see someone else sit down next to you, long legs, clad in the same high boots and black pants you wear as well and partly covered by a heavy leather coat, dangling over the edge. You don't bother to look up. You can picture his face clearly, and the way he's leaning back, bracing himself against the warm stone you're both sitting on with his hands. You can imagine how he's looking at you, his bright, green eyes twinkling mischievously. Their color is pretty odd; you've noticed them change to a slightly more bluish jade green when he's upset… when he acts like he's upset. Usually they are beautifully emerald green.
You can imagine the upside-down teardrops on his skin being drawn upwards a little as a teasing smirk stretches his thin, pale lips. He always seems to smirk. He always seems so amused. He… always seems so emotional.
"Oh, but how can you be anything but shiny, with a pretty element like yours? What's it like to be 'Light'?"
You roll your eyes and turn away, drawing your legs up to rest your hurting head on them. This is getting really old. He always teases you because of your element. Right, as if his was much better…
… Yeah, it probably is. Light is so useless! What are you gonna do with it? Sparkle the heartless to death? You've not yet discovered how to use it as a weapon, like your fellow Organization members do with their respective elements. The Superior says you will find a way to use your element one day, but that it needs time. Well, at least you have your keyblades; without them you would probably have never been admitted to the Organization.
Ah, but now you're wandering a little bit too far from the topic.
"Just shut up, Axel," you mutter and close your eyes. "My head hurts."
"Just your head? And what about this?" You flinch, first at the gentle tone he uses, then at the fleeting brush of slender, gloved fingers over a nasty scratch on your back.
Sometimes you are really glad that the pain feels so dimmed.
"It was fine until you touched me, you dumbass," you growl and skid away from him a little.
"Well, sor-ry that I was worried about you," he huffs, but you still can hear the teasing grin in his smooth voice.
"You can't be worried," you retort bluntly. And you really hope he won't start another argument about the topic; his theories about whether or not emotions are actually connected to the heart are just too weird for you to handle after a strenuous mission. You know he just makes them up to annoy you anyway.
You hear him utter a sound somewhere between a sigh and a chuckle; how odd. But, well, he is odd.
"Rox-as, Rox-assssss," he says in a sing-song voice, but you refuse to turn around. "Aw, c'mon, don't be mad…"
"I can't be mad," you grind out, and at the same time you feel that it is a lie; because, fuck, you can already feel the all too familiar feeling of uncomfortable warmth spreading in your belly. You know this warmth is your tired body's pathetic attempt on simulating real anger.
"Aaaaaah, one of those days, I see," he drawls, and you are grateful that he decides to shut up afterwards.
The silent sunset is something you've learned to value. There is nothing more relaxing than sitting on this clock tower and watching the town's colors change into different hues of red and gold.
"Sea salt?" he asks out of the blue, and you smile. Thankfully he can't see it, as you still face away from him.
"Yeah," you agree.
"'Kay, be right back," he exclaims cheerfully, then you hear the rustling of his heavy coat and you know that he just jumped off the tower, into a portal he opened just beneath the edge.
It only takes a minute for him to return, and this time his portal opens at your other side, the direction you're still looking into. He flops down next to you, grinning manically; he looks just like you imagined earlier, bright eyes shining, red hair spiking out all around his head, dark purple tattoos on ever so pale cheeks drawn a bit upwards due to his smile. He holds out your favorite dessert; the unnaturally blue, iced sweet comes right out of the freezer of that small store down there, you know. He sneaks in there all the time to steal sea-salt ice cream for you.
You gratefully take the popsicle he offers you and allow yourself a happy sigh as you put it into your mouth, sucking lightly. The mix of so many different flavors immediately assaults your senses, and you love every single second it lasts.
You hear Axel chuckle next to you, and only now you notice your eyes slid shut. You open them again to glance at him, and you can't help but smile as well; his happy smile is just too contagious.
You sit there in silence for a while. It's comfortable, and you almost forget the pain you're still in as you savor your ice cream.
You look down at the carefree, no doubt happy figures running around beneath you. They look so tiny from up here…
You've almost finished your popsicle, and you know Axel has finished his some time ago already; he's always so greedy, while you take your time to enjoy it as long as you can. You hear and see him move from the corners of your eyes; he moves behind you, and suddenly his arms are around your shoulders, large, gloved hands unfastening the chain holding together the coat you wear; then he moves them to pull down the zipper of your coat. You let him do as he pleases; you're too tired to stop him anyway, and he's the only one who is allowed to come this close to you. Besides, you know that he only wants to treat the deep gash beneath your left shoulder blade.
"Ouch," he mutters as he cautiously peels the heavy, torn leather from your shoulders. You allow the coat to fall to your elbows, still fingering the stick that's left from your popsicle. The black t-shirt you wear underneath the coat is ripped and drenched in blood, sticking to your skin most disgustingly. Must look pretty bad.
You let him lift the t-shirt until he can see the wound more clearly, but somehow you feel annoyed that he takes so long this time. But before you can say anything you hear a soft clinking noise and feel something cool and slick touch your skin; you close your eyes at the strange prickling sensation the cold substance leaves.
Axel rubs some potion onto your skin, to help the wound heal. He didn't even take his gloves off, and somehow you feel disappointed. His hands are always so warm…
"Here, drink up," he says and offers you the rest of the potion. You take the small bottle from him and drown it in one gulp. It tastes so odd, and you can't help but gag at the taste it leaves in your mouth.
He pulls the shirt down and the coat up and around your shoulders again, and you pull the zipper up yourself. You don't bother with the chain; you'll have to throw the stupid coat away anyway.
"I just hope you plan to take a bath or something. That's an awful lot of blood," he remarks lightly.
"No, I was planning to just go to bed and bleed all over my sheets," you snort, feeling a bit annoyed again. You hate it when he treats you like a child. Would have hated… Yeah, you know.
"Gross," he mutters, and you look down when he lies down next to you on his stomach, his thin arms dangling over the edge, long fingers drawing odd patterns into the air.
Again your eyes are drawn to the people down there; you can hear laughter and screaming. Children play and scream and laugh; women chatter; men greet each other politely.
"Axel?" you hear your own voice speak up. You don't even know why you just said his name.
"Yup?" he replies, still staring down and drawing into the air.
"Do you remember what it was like to feel?" His movements stop at once, and you can see his shoulders tense up a little.
"… What?" he breathes, and the cautious and suspicious tone in his voice confuses you.
"Do you remember what it was like to feel?" you still repeat slowly.
He just stares at you, green eyes narrowed and lips set in a tight line. He seems surprised, and startled and upset. He slowly sits up again, and the weird expression on his face would have freaked you out if you had a heart.
"The hell, Roxas?" he exclaims, running a gloved hand through his spiky, red hair. "Why do you ask something like that?"
"It's a simple question, Axel," you retort, frowning at him. "So, do you remember?"
He blinks, then looks down, watches the happy people down there much like you did before. You wait, and wait, and wait… You cross your arms, frown even deeper, tapping your fingers against your biceps. You stop that however when it only intensifies the ache in your arms. Keyblades are heavy. Dragging a keyblade through a heartless' body isn't quite as easy and effortless as you make it look.
"Well?" you finally ask, but still he just stays silent. That's so unlike him. Usually he won't stop talking, regardless how many times you tell him to shut up. He's acting awfully strange today.
When he looks up, you know he won't answer your question. You can see it in his eyes, and you know for sure when his trademark smirk lights up his solemn face again.
"Shit, Roxas, stop frowning like that," he laughs and reaches out to tousle your hair. You lean back slightly, but he still manages to drag his hand through your blond spikes once. You hate it when he does that. It makes you feel like a child, even more than his stupid jokes about your height or your roundish face or your big eyes or your embarrassing habit of pouting when you don't get your way do. You don't want him to think of you as a little boy. You want him to treat you like an equal.
So you only glare harder at him, daring him to do it again. He doesn't. He knows you well enough to know he'd be pushed from the clock tower if he did. Not that it would do any good; he can open portals after all. But as soon as he'd step out of the portal, he would be confronted with Oathkeeper and Oblivion, and he knows that as well.
"Someday that frown will be stuck on your face," he predicts wisely, grinning even wider. "And what a shame that would be. Your pretty face would be permanently flawed…"
"Pretty," you repeat, and you just know he's trying not to crack up at your murderous expression.
"Cute?" he offers, and now you can feel your right eye twitch. He can't hold back laughter any longer. You almost forget to punish him as you listen to his laugh; it's nice, and honest; not cruel or malicious or teasing or anything, but pure and melodious and amused.
But you still reach out and shove his shoulder hard, causing him to lose his balance and fall from the edge. You watch him open a portal and jump after him; after he vanishes into the dark void the portal remains open for 3.8 seconds, and that's all you need to call your weapons and follow him.
You reappear in another world, one you recognize all too well; you know the looming buildings, the dark alleys, the heart-shaped moon, you know them all by heart, no pun intended, and you dislike them, maybe would have hated them as a human. It's so different from Twilight Town; the town is cozy and warm, while this place is cold, sterile, lifeless.
Axel stumbles a few steps forward before he turns around. You, being prepared for the impact, land on both feet gracefully, your boots barely touching the ground before you surge forward, both keyblades in your hands, ready to fight.
Axel's bright eyes widen, and he gasps in surprise as he notices you coming after him. But his expression quickly turns into a gleeful grin, and he wastes no time to summon his chakrams. He barely manages to do that and raise both of those spiked wheels before your keyblades collide with them, creating a loud, violent sounding clash.
"Not so tired anymore, Roxie?" he laughs and shoves you back.
And just before you lunge at him again, you can't help but remember that he still didn't answer your question. He probably never will.
Until you are able to feel, feelings will stay a mystery for you.
Author's Notes: There you are. So, this is the beginning of my birthday gift to my dear beta kurosora1984. It's a pretty interesting experiment for me; a non-AU AkuRoku story entirely written from 2nd POV, with focus on either Roxas or Axel per chapter. I don't think I will ever try something like this again, though I must admit it's fun to write in 2nd POV for a change; not exactly easy, but fun.
Yeah, well. For some reason Salem wants to share this with y'all, so, here you go! I hope you enjoy it!