A/N: The plot bunnies have struck again. During a discussion with JayRain regarding my A/U piece "Change of Plans", which you can easily access through my profile, the topic of "the talk" came up. What if Teagan noticed that his adopted son Alistair is attracted to the young female warden who has come to Redcliffe and wanted to ensure his son was prepared to deal with that attraction? You can certainly read this story without having read "Change of Plans", but the premise of this one really won't make any sense unless you do. Bioware owns all these characters; I've just taken them out to the playground for a bit.
Many thanks to JayRain and MsBarrows for their invaluable assistance with this little project!
"A learned child is a blessing upon his parents and unto the Maker." – The Chant of Light
Teagan leaned on the open doorway of Alistair's room in the castle and watched him pack. Thankfully the gear and clothing he had brought from Rainesfere when he and Teagan had answered Redcliffe's message requesting help would serve him just as well on the road to Denerim. He wouldn't be able to take his horse with him as none of the rest of the group was mounted, so his gelding Brie would stay here for now. Just as well. Alistair, much like his birth father Maric, had never been better than an indifferent rider.
"So, everything sorted with the wardens?" Teagan asked.
Alistair looked up and smiled. "Yes, Father. Ser Daveth was not enthused about me coming along at first, but Elissa reminded him how useful I was when we were clearing the castle, so he stopped objecting," Alistair said.
"Good. Listen, there is something I wanted to talk to you about before you left," Teagan said.
"Oh, what is it?" Alistair asked.
Teagan sighed. He should probably have had this conversation with the boy years ago, but Alistair was so shy around women that it was easily put off. Teagan could not delay any longer, though, because he had seen the looks that Alistair was giving Lady Elissa, and he had seen her looking over Alistair in return.
"How about we go to the kitchens and get something to eat and we can sit and eat and talk? I happen to know that Cook got a wheel of Orlesian Gruyère out of storage just for you since she was so grateful you saved her," Teagan said.
"Sure, I'm always up for some cheese, you know that," Alistair said as he headed towards the kitchen. Teagan followed.
"Yes, I do. You're the reason Rainesfere has a full dairy now…although it's proven quite profitable despite how much of the output you eat, so I'm not going to complain," Teagan said with a fond smile.
Teagan and Alistair successfully wheedled some cheese and fruit and cider from the cook, then settled at the scarred kitchen table with their bounty. Teagan passed all of the fruit and cheese to his bottomless pit of a son, contenting himself with the cider. Teagan shook his head as he watched Alistair eat. The only people he had ever seen eat more than his son were the two grey wardens. None of the group that accompanied the two seemed to be surprised by their food intake, so he assumed it was part of whatever made them grey wardens. He shuddered to imagine how much Alistair would eat if he were a warden.
"So, Father, what did you want to talk to me about?" Alistair asked as he finished off his first apple.
"I've seen you eyeing Lady Elissa," Teagan said, which made Alistair blush.
"She's very capable," Alistair said.
"And quite fetching," Teagan prompted.
"'Fetching?' Maker's Breath, Father, she's beautiful!" Alistair exclaimed.
"And that, Son, is the reason we're having this discussion right now," Teagan said, which made Alistair flush even redder. He covered his embarrassment by taking a large bite of cheese.
"Look, Alistair, you're going to be on the road with this group for who knows how long. You're likely going to have plenty of opportunities to be alone with this girl. If the way she's looking back at you is any indication, she will be receptive to being courted."
"Courted? Father, she's the daughter of Teryn Cousland, whereas I am…"
"You are my heir, Alistair. I am one of the most powerful and influential banns in the entire Bannorn. Even though people assume you're my bastard, or Eamon's, you're considered a good match. If they knew who your birth father really was you'd be an even better match. As it is, several of the banns and arls have started making noises about matching you with their daughters," Teagan answered, which made Alistair's eyes widen in alarm.
"At any rate, I wanted to talk to you about your attraction to Lady Cousland, not your marriage prospects. If you're attracted to Lady Cousland and she returns that attraction, the circumstances you find yourself in will probably eventually lead to an…intimate relationship. And if that happens, then there are some things you need to know."
"Am I dreaming? We're not really having this conversation are we, Father?" Alistair asked.
"Yes, we really are, and how about we don't drag it out any more than we have to, hmm? Look, first things first. When you are courting, how far you go is up to the two of you to decide. No means no, and 'not yet' means 'not yet'," Teagan said. Alistair was looking down at the table, wooden mug clenched tightly in his hands.
"I'm not saying this to make you uncomfortable Alistair, you know this," Teagan said.
"I know, Father, but…"
"Son, you are twenty years old, and I am fairly certain you have never..." Teagan said, then paused for a moment and gave his son a significant look.
"Never what? Never eaten jellied ham? Never licked a lamppost in winter?" Alistair said, deflecting the question.
"Alistair, you're making this harder than it has to be," Teagan said.
"Well, ok then, you tell me, Father. You've never been married, have *you* ever…licked a lamppost in winter?"
"Yes, Alistair, I have. More than my share, actually," Teagan said.
Alistair gave Teagan a look that reminded him of nothing so much as a fish out of water. "But…you don't have any children! I mean, other than me, and I'm… Right. Shutting up now," Alistair said.
"So I take it from that statement that I don't have to tell you that you don't actually wish for your babies from the Fade?" Teagan asked. If Alistair could play dumb, then so could Teagan.
Alistair looked up and saw his father's eyes twinkling. Oh, two could play at this game. He gave Teagan that wide-eyed innocent look that had never once failed to get him an extra wedge of cheese from the cook back at Rainesfere.
"You don't?" he said, making sure he sounded utterly baffled.
Teagan gave him a skeptical look, but simply said, "Yes, you see, when a girl and a boy really love each other…"
It was too much. There was no way he could stand it if his father gave him this lecture. His head would explode, or he'd burst a blood vessel, at the very least. "Andraste's Flaming Sword, I know were babies come from!" Alistair exclaimed.
"Do you? Do you really?" Teagan asked, trying not to laugh. He knew he shouldn't provoke the boy, but seeing him so flustered was just too amusing.
"Father, I did live in a stable for over a year. I've heard my share of things, both from animals and from people. Empty stalls make a fairly good trysting spot, you know….not that I know this from personal experience, mind you," Alistair clarified.
"What, no maids in dark corners?" Teagan asked.
"Well, there was this one time I was ambushed at Rainesfere, but I escaped mostly unscathed. I've had opportunities, but, given my own history, the risk of fathering a bastard didn't seem to be worth the reward," Alistair said, which made Teagan raise his glass before taking a drink in acknowledgement of the point.
"There are ways to prevent those babies from coming, even if you're doing what makes them, you know," Teagan said.
"You…can do that?" Alistair asked, eyes widening.
"Yes, actually, you can. That is the reason we're having this talk. The most effective method is to not do it in the first place, of course, but if that isn't an option, then there are…other things one can do. Many women know about them already; it's discussed in the secret women's club initiation, or so I gather. There are herbs that women can take to prevent conception, or there are ways a woman can tell when she is fertile or not, if she pays attention to her body's rhythms, which is one of the reasons that no means no. That one is fallible, though, so if she's not taking the herbs I would advise abstaining from the act itself. There are other things one can do for enjoyment," Teagan said.
"Play charades?" Alistair asked dryly, which made Teagan almost fall out of his chair with laughter.
"Charades! I shall have to remember that!" Teagan said, struggling to bring himself under control.
"Glad I could amuse, Father. How about I just go off somewhere and die, how about that? It would be easier than having this conversation." Alistair said, which made Teagan chuckle anew.
"Well, I confess that this is awkward, but it's necessary. Much as I do want some grandchildren from you, I am not ready to have them yet. Just remember to treat your partner with respect, and don't assume anything. Ask. Keep those two things in mind and you'll be fine."
"Respect, check. Ask questions, check. Got it. Can we please talk about something else?" Alistair pleaded.
"Of course," Teagan said, having pity on his son. "Be careful as you travel. There is a bounty on the wardens' heads, and remember, Denerim is Loghain's territory right now. Keep your head down. Now that you're fully grown you look enough like Maric and Cailan that almost anyone who has ever seen them will make the connection if they get a good look at you. You may want to make sure you take a hooded cloak with you, or wear your helmet when you can. I would not put it past Loghain to make sure you aren't a threat to his rule, and the most expedient way to do that is to kill you. I do not want to see that happen," Teagan said.
"I'm not too fond of the idea myself," Alistair said.
"See that it doesn't happen, then. Now, finish that cheese and cider and then go finish your packing and get some sleep. I know the wardens want to get an early start tomorrow," Teagan said. He finished his cider and stood, putting the mug on the sideboard for the scullery boys to deal with later.
"Good night, Alistair, I will see you in the morning," he said.
"Good night, Father," Alistair answered, turning his attention back to his evening snack.
A perverse impulse made Teagan stop in the kitchen doorway. "By the way, Alistair, if you can manage it, make sure you walk behind Lady Cousland," Teagan said.
"So I can guard her rear?" Alistair asked.
"No, Boy, so you can admire it!" Teagan said with a wink, then turned and left. The sound of Alistair choking on his cider made him snicker all the way back to his room.