This fic spawned from a joke I came up with at school today. See, someone was talking about going to Hell and "chillin' with Hitler," and I came up with the joke featured in this fic, which turned into the actual story.
And I don't own Bleach, sadly enough. If I did, Orihime would've killed Ulquiorra. (And I'm not sorry for it, either!)
Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, Orihime, and Byakuya were having a picnic in a field somewhere in the Seireitei. Oddly enough, it was Byakuya's idea.
You see, Rukia had invited Ichigo and Renji to dinner at the Kuchiki manor, an idea which Byakuya had instantly shot down. But his sister was adamant, and eventually, he decided on a picnic lunch. This worked out perfectly, since Rukia got the meal she wanted, and Byakuya didn't have to waste the effort putting up with the Kurosaki boy while trying to have a refined dinner.
A little know fact about Byakuya Kuchiki was that he enjoyed picnics. In his mind, they were several times looser than formal dinners at home, and he didn't have to be so stiff. True, he was still stiff, but not as stiff, and hey, that counts for something, right?
The others were having a conversation, which Byakuya wasn't really paying attention to. However, something Kurosaki said piqued his interest.
"You know where Hitler went when he died, right?" Ichigo asked.
"Yes," said Byakuya.
Whatever the Kurosaki brat was expecting, it certainly wasn't that. "Did you hear this joke before?" Ichigo asked.
"Joke?" Byakuya repeated. "No. I was the Soul Reaper who exorcised Hitler's Hollow, so I should know."
"You really killed Hollow Hitler?" Renji asked in awe.
"Did I stutter?" asked Byakuya. Another thing he enjoyed was sounding tough. In fact, some of the seated officers wet themselves when he asks if he stuttered.
"How did you know it was him?" asked Rukia.
"Apparently, his masked left his distinctive mustache exposed," Byakuya explained.
"What kind of Hollow was he?" asked Orihime in childlike wonder. "Was he big with four arms and a tail?"
"That is irrelevant," replied Byakuya. "What matters is that the gates of Hell opened for him, and he was dragged in."
Ichigo was seething. "You bastard!" he yelled. "Why did you have to tell us that?! Now the joke is ruined!"
"I assure you, that was not my intention," said Byakuya. "I merely replied to your question by relating my own experience."
"And you didn't think where Hitler went when he died was an odd question?!" Ichigo asked.
"Now that I think about it, there was something queer about it," said Byakuya. "But that doesn't matter. I'm interested in hearing the punchline."
"Too late, Byakuya!" said Ichigo. "You completely killed the mood! In fact, right now, I'd rather be fighting Kenpachi, or even Grimmjow, than sitting here with you!" He got up on his feet. "I'm outta here!" With that, Ichigo stormed away from the group.
When Ichigo was gone, Byakuya said, "This is why I didn't want him in my home."
After a moment's silence, Orihime spoke up. "Do you guys still want to hear the punchline?" she asked. Everyone nodded.
"Okay!" she said, excitedly. "Where did Hitler go when he died?" She paused for dramatic effect, then exclaimed, "Jewish Heaven!"
Everyone except Byakuya burst out in laughter, though the Captain did allow a smile to grace his face.
"I have finished my meal, and will be returning to my office to catch up on the paperwork my last mission forced me to miss," Byakuya announced. "Renji, your assistance would be greatly appreciated."
"Yes, sir!" said Renji. And so, the two highest-ranking officers in Sixth Company flash-stepped off together.
"How did you know that joke?" Rukia asked.
"Keigo told it at the end of our World War II unit a couple years ago," Orihime replied.
"What an idiot," said Rukia, rolling her eyes.
So? What did you think? Was the joke funny? Were you offended? If so, I'm sorry. You know that wasn't my intent. If anyone needs me to explain it, just say so, and I'll reply.
Anyway, read and review while I get back to Pokemon Platinum!