Author's Note: This is purely for fun. But you knew that by now, didn't you? Just be happy it's not another Les Miserables one.

I don't own Hellsing, but I do own your attention for the duration of this piece of fiction.

A dark screen. Suddenly, a light shines on the right wing entrance. There stands JUJU, a small woman in her early twenties. Her square glasses reflect the light as she looks out over the crowd gathered in the movie theatre. She's dressed in the style of a 1950s malt shop girl, with the addition of a pale pink scarf wrapped snugly around her neck.

She smiles, teeth glinting in the bright light, and clears her throat.

Juju

Hello! Welcome to the show. I have popcorn here for you. Exits are to the left and right, and if you leave the theatre, make sure that you keep your ticket so you can get back in.

Tonight, I have a real treat for y'all. I'm going to tell the story of a police girl and her ghostly friend, who were on their way to visit a kindly doctor-well, an old asylum anyway-when they run into a manor full of frights and chills. It's sure to thrill ya!

Clearing her throat again, she sings.

Juju

Enrico Maxwell was quite dead
The day London lost its head
He was a foolish boy in the end.

And the Captain was there,
with his bright silver hair
The Major claimed to be human.

Then something went wrong
for Rip van Winkle and her throng
they got caught in an ocean crusade

For at a deadly pace
with a sinister smile on his face
a vampire came towards them (on)

Juju's fanfiction double feature
Ze Doc turns Walter into a creature
Anderson fights Alucard and
Integra's mansion is on fire
oh oh oh
at the late night fanfiction feature show...

I knew Luke Valentine
had surely lost his mind
when he fought Alucard one on one.

And I very nearly cried

When Pip Bernadotte died
and my capitaine, I thought, was gone.

I know my heart screamed
when Anderson deemed
that the cause was worth the cost

The battle of "the anime
is worse than the OVA"
Leaves me personally at a loss (in)

Juju's fanfiction double feature
Ze Doc turns Walter into a creature
Anderson fights Alucard and
Integra's mansion is on fire
oh oh ohhhh
at the late night fanfiction feature show

I wanna go
to the late night fanfiction feature show

in the back row
at the late night fanfiction feature show

"Mon Dieu! Tu l'as fait!" Pip Bernadotte couldn't shake his old comrade's hand anymore, but he offered him a very translucent high-five instead. Ralph laughed, shrugging his shoulders as he ran a hand through his pale locks.

"Well, now that we survived that latest terrorist attack, I felt like it was time to get hitched, ya know?" He shrugged again and looked fondly at his bride, who was talking animatedly to Seras, waving her bouquet in the air as she gushed about the cabin they were planning to spend their honeymoon at.

"Well, I don't doubt that in the slightest. Besides, you've had your eye on Betty ever since you sat at those lessons we had to take." Ralph grinned, blushing.

"Tell you the truth, Captain: she's the only reason I went. Vampire anatomy is most definitely not my favorite subject, but I still wish Dr. Renfield could have made it today." He looked longingly at the small congregation that had been able to make it to the wedding—over half of them were Betty's relations. His family was back in France, and the terrorist attack had killed all but two of the Wild Geese. It had even killed the Captain, but thankfully Seras had been able to pull a loophole, allowing him a literal ghost of a chance to stay on Earth.

"Yes, ma cher and I are very fond of him. We drove over to see him last vacation. It's a shame his new job took him away from London." Pip whistled as Betty threw the bouquet over her shoulder, a sudden breeze lifting the front of the wedding dress to show her garter. Ralph laughed heartily as Seras caught the bouquet on instinct, made a face, and tossed it back into the group of squealing girls.

"Hey, Captain, it might be your turn next!" Ralph said with a sly wink. Pip chuckled, but shook his head.

"No, I don't think so. I'm afraid that ma cher will always be elusive as ever. She thinks of me as a brother, nothing more. Still, a man can dream, can't he?" Ralph made to clap his captain on the shoulders, but his hand passed through the body as easily as air and he nearly stumbled to the ground. Pip laughed harder and waved as the sheepish man climbed into the car with his new bride. The wedding goers screamed at the top of their lungs, jumping up and down triumphantly as the car drove away. Pip moved to join Seras, who smiled gently at him.

"Wasn't it wonderful?" she asked, her voice echoing softly. He couldn't see her eyes behind the dark sunglasses she wore, but he knew that they would be filled with a wistful longing. As a vampire, she would be forever nineteen. The eternal wish to find someone to grow old with would always be just out of her grasp. He'd never asked how she had become a vampire, but instead had went along with her as his Wild Geese and her D11 troop had tried to take down the terrorist group threatening London. They'd succeeded, but Seras and the two Wild Geese had been the only survivors. And since she was undead, she didn't really count.

"Oui, Ralph's a lucky man."

"Yes…" Seras turned and began walking back towards the church quietly.

"That Betty is a wonderful cook. I remember eating at her place once when we didn't go out to the town."

"I agree."

"And Ralph will be lined up for plenty of promotions after that last mission," Pip continued on thoughtfully, not paying attention to how little Seras seemed to care about his monologue. Looking up, he realized that she was leaving him behind, walking ahead with the sensual grace that vampirism had given her. "H-hey! Mignonette!"

"What?" She turned back, raising her glasses to squint at him in the light of the setting sun. "What is it?" she asked again.

"I've got something to say," he continued slowly.

"Uh-huh?" she prompted impatiently. "What is it?"

"I really liked the way…that you and I… performed the other day."

"In the warehouse?" she clarified, and he nodded. "So? What of it? You're my familiar, it's only natural that we're good together."

"I mean… well…." He stood up straight, his boots clicking together with a ghostly snap. "The river was deep, but we swam it…"

"Damnit!" she cursed, backing away. "If this is another one of your 'let's hook up'—"

"The future is ours, so let's plan it—"

"Pip! Damnit!"

"No, ma cher, I refuse to can it." He flashed quicker than a blink through the air to 'block her exit'. "Ah, Mignonette, attendez vous."

"No." Seras marched through him, ignoring the icy air of his pseudo-body on her arms.

"The road's been long, but we've ran it—"

"Damnit!" Seras covered her ears.

"There's fire in our hearts, so let's fan it," he sang in her mind.

Damnit!

"If there's a fool between us, then I am it—"

"Damn it."

"Come on, Seras, attendez vous…." He followed her, still trying to make her listen. "I know you believe that I'm a joker,"

"You are a joker." She glared at him, arms crossed.

"And I've done some bad things, it's true." She sighed.

"But together, we're far from mediocre," he added quickly, while she was still listening. "And so I've a proposition for you—"

"Look, it's nice that we get along so well," Seras cut him off. "But in this respect, I think you're wrong. I mean, going as far as a song? Damnit, Pip, get a clue."

"Oh, cherie,"

"Oh, damnit." She threw her hands in the air, grimacing when he broke into laughter.

"I love you, too."

"Shut up, you French pervert." She looked over her shoulder at him. "Are we going to Dr. Renfield's, or not?"

"Oui. Let's go."

Juju closes the cover of the laptop, arching a brow at the audience.

Juju

If I may, I'd like to take you on a strange journey. You see, it seemed a very ordinary night when Seras Victoria and her familiar, Captain Pip Bernadotte (two young-ish, perfectly healthy supernatural creatures), left London that late November evening to visit Dr. R. M. Renfield, ex-tutor and mutual friend.

It's true that there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's also true that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they, being normal supernatural creatures on a night out, well: They were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out.

It was a night they were going to remember for a very long time.