The noonday sun shone bright high above Verona, Italy, a place famous for…well…this story. Oh, and also The Two Gentlemen of Verona, but mostly this story.
Really, this story is about all Verona has going for it. I mean, seriously…what could compel a guy like Shakespeare to set a story (hell, two stories!) in this boring little place supposedly near Lake Garda, which I'm only mentioning because it's the largest lake in Italy?! Tell me, what?!
I know what you're thinking: this city has Italian cuisine going for it. All of Italy has Italian cuisine going for it. And therefore, Shakespeare felt giving his characters lots of lasagna, pastas, and pizza would make for an interesting background. Because, after all, who can resist lasagna? Or pastas? Or pizza? Yum; delicious, right?
No. I don't like lasagna. Garfield does, but I sure don't.
I do, however, enjoy pastas and pizza.
But that doesn't change the fact that Italian food doesn't do a damned thing to help this story in any way whatsoever.
So why even bring the subject up?
You made me. Don't give me that look. It was you who mentioned the Italian food thing first. Not me.
I don't care what you say; I did not bring the subject up—you did.
Oh, don't go there. You'll regret it.
I'm warning you. Stop.
Oh, look you're actually not complaining. Who knew you could do that? I'm amazed.
What? You want a blue ribbon or something? No way, pal. I've got a story to tell here. And besides, I don't even have any blue ribbons. I wouldn't even know where to get them.
Stop distracting me! I'm trying to tell you a story here!
Can you please be quiet for, I don't know…ever?
Thank you…
So, there were these two households, all right? There's the Montagues and the Capulets, and they've been fighting for God knows how long over God knows what, and their feud didn't finally end until their amorous teenage children ended up dead.
Yeah, sucks, doesn't it?
It just goes to show you: in addition to testing for any STDs and avoiding cheating on one another and all that jazz, you just might want to check with your romantic and/or sexual partner to see if the two of you happen to be star-crossed. If so, a breakup might be in order. But if not, have fun.
So, you want to know what exactly happened to the Montagues and Capulets?
Of course you do. Why else would you still be—hey! Come back here and listen to my story! Where are you going?!
Fine. I guess I'll just have to write the damn thing down.