Alex had warned Lena about this. The nightmares. Ever since the black mercy had taken over Kara's mind, there were nightmares and flashbacks. Not that Kara would have ever told Lena about it. As far as Kara was concerned, Lena didn't even know about the black mercy. It was all supposed to be confidential DEO information. But after the first time Lena found the bed empty and cold, waking up to find Kara writing furiously in a notebook in a language she couldn't begin to decrypt, she had to know. The morning after, Kara had looked like she'd been up all night, and Lena wondered if she ever went back to sleep afterwards. She had asked Kara about it, but the blonde had brushed it off as exhaustion from saving National City yet again. And Lena knew that even though Kara wasn't human, she was still hurting.
"She…wasn't exactly in a good state of mind after I had pulled her out." Alex sighed, taking a drag from the beer in front of her. Lena had asked for the older sister to meet with her to discuss what the Luthor thought might be post traumatic stress. Lena frowned thoughtfully.
"What…happened, exactly?"
"Well…her aunt's husband, so I guess by technicality her uncle, had harvested a plant that would put her into a trance, to stop Kara from trying to derail their master plan." Alex bit her lip, not sure how much she was allowed to say.
"I'm just concerned, Agent Danvers." Lena saw the hesitancy in Alex's eyes and softened her tone.
"Please. It's Alex." The agent waved away the formality and took another sip of the beer sitting in front of her. After a pause, she spoke again. "We knew that she was knocked off course and was supposed to be here way before her cousin had arrived." Alex sighed, running her hands haphazardly through her short hair. "So when I went under to try and convince her to wake up and come back to reality, I saw her with her family." Alex paused, taking a deep breath. "And she was happy there, Lena. Happier than I'd ever seen her when she was a kid here. And I had to…tear her away from all of that again." Alex's voice shook, and she took a shaky breath. "I was…too young to understand what had happened to her and her family when she first came to stay with us. She was…to me, anyway, a nuisance. A weirdo who embarrassed me in front of my friends." The agent rubbed the palm of her hand against her forehead, wincing in embarrassment. "But she…she let me rip her away from her family and convince her she belonged in this world when she was under the black mercy's control. And I saw how devastated she was when she came back."
"When she said she had lost everything, I thought she meant her birth family." Lena murmured, staring into the bottom of her glass. "I didn't know she meant…"
"Her whole world?" Alex offered, giving Lena a forced, bitter smile. "I'm ashamed at how I treated her when I was a kid. Because she was, in so many ways, more mature and smarter than I was."
"She told me she was going to be the youngest person on her planet to be part of the Science…Council?" Lena shook her head, trying to remember the exact terms Kara had used.
"Yeah." Alex sighed, leaning her cheek on her palm. "She lost everything again when the black mercy finally let her go. The look I saw in her eyes…it's the same look she had on her face when she saw the hologram of her mother for the first time. I don't know…how she keeps it together, to be honest. I've asked her so may times to talk to Eliza about it, because out of everyone, maybe she would understand the most, being my mother, but she never spoke about Krypton ever."
The next time it happened was a week after Lena had spoken to Alex, and Lena had found Kara weeping silently while staring out the window of her living room.
"Kara..." Lena murmured, before approaching the blonde, placing a hand gently on her girlfriend's shoulder. The notebook had been tossed to the floor, torn in half. When Kara turned to face her, her eyes were red from crying and Lena held out her arms as an invitation, and the blonde collapsed into them, bringing Lena slowly to her knees. She held the blonde tightly as she cried, tears soaking through Lena's shirt and arms hanging loosely to her sides.
"It doesn't m-matter…" Kara's voice was hoarse from crying, harsh to Lena's ears. "It d-doesn't matter."
"What doesn't matter, darling?" Lena's voice was calm and low, pressing her lips gently to the blonde's temple. Kara's sobs were hysterical as she buried her face in Lena's shirt.
"No matter h-how much I write…" Kara wept, her entire body heaving with sobs, she felt like a vice was gripping her chest, like she couldn't breathe in. "E-everything is g-gone, Lena! Everything is gone!" The blonde's sobs racked her body and Lena did her best to anchor Kara to her, to anchor Kara to something real.
"I know darling, I know." Lena murmured, smoothing her palms slowly up and down Kara's back. "I'm so sorry." Lena repeated the words again and again until Kara's sobs faded. "Tell me about Krypton, Kara." Lena murmured, pressing her lips gently to the blonde's hair. Kara's breath hitched with emotion and she swiped angrily at her face.
"It…it was my world." Kara's voice was scratchy with tears, and she bit her lip to hold them back, still limp in Lena's arms. "And I lost it again. I lost everything." The blonde's voice was subdued, barely a whisper as she tried to keep the tears from coming again. "I thought…when Astra came, that I would be reunited with her like before. When…when we were still family and my mother hadn't…used me to banish her." Kara mumbled sadly. "And when…when Non sent a black mercy…" Kara inhaled sharply. "I thought I was finally home." Kara whimpered, tears silently flowing down her cheeks once more. "Alex came for me but I didn't want to come back!" Kara sobbed, curling her hands into fists. "I lost my parents, Kal, everyone that I loved on Krypton again. I lost everything again, Lena!"
"I know, darling. And I'm so sorry that he did that to you again." Lena murmured, still holding Kara tightly to her. "I'm here, Kara. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." Lena spoke softly, her voice low and calming, as she repeated the words again and again until Kara cried herself to sleep.