Note: Again, like the LEGO Elves/Ride to Hell: Retribution review, this is just an inspiration of Angry Joe Show's review of Rambo: The Video Game. But this time, Scarlet, a Star Darling, will review this badly-made game as well. I do not own the content, characters or rant, just my own personal idea, no need to harass or anything harse, just for enjoyment and fair use. Enjoy.
In her third-year dorm, Scarlet was practicing her drums until one minute during her practice, she heard a bell ring as she then exited her dorm room, looking both ways to see no one there, before looking down to see the critically-hated game, Rambo: The Video Game.
Looking at it only for a few seconds, Scarlet sighs and groaned "Whatever.", as she walks back to her dorm room, the door closing behind her.
That is, but not before off-screen her curiosities get to her, as Scarlet returns to her dorm room entrance, the door opening as she grabs the game quickly and walking back in her room, the door closing again.
Scarlet's Angry Review of Rambo: The Video Game
At the Lightning Lounge, taking a few days later as Scarlet told her eleven friends the story of her review on the game she played some time ago, "What the hell is this? Is this game from 1992? No. It's from 2014! You know what, the most accurate description for this game that I can come up with, is that it's those little disgusting pieces of corn left over the diarrhea that Time Crisis II took, after an all-night Taco Bell binge! Yeah, let that colorful image sink into your brain. And be thankful that you didn't actually had to play it.", she says, which disgusted her other eleven friends a bit.
"Scarlet, did you play this?", Sage and Vega ask, the other nine nodding.
Scarlet answered, "Starf yeah! Rambo: The Video Game has NO reason to exist! NONE! WHATSOEVER! It's better not with these sorts of games go through the motions poorly to earn a quick buck on a recently released movie, but it is downright insanity that must have drove Reef Entertainment to an acquired licence! Dragging it out from retirement just to murder the franchise that parades it's corpse around like a fucking puppet!", she said to her friends.
"Does it parade like a puppet?", questions Libby and Leona.
The third-year continued, "No seriously! That's what this entire game reminds you of, with it's shit graphics and awful character models, in which Rambo himself, is probably the worst looking! Always glistening with too much sweat just riffed with awkward muscle placements all over his body? It looks creepy as hell! And for some reason, it looks like he has sausage links for arms!"
"So...is there any proof?", Astra asks.
Scarlet then said, "I memorized it, I have proof.", as she pulls out her drawing of Rambo with sausage linked arms, with a logo of Oscar Mayer on the chest, as the eleven but her gasps at the looks. "So what kind of game are we created to here? An open-world jungle? Nope. A third-person Gears of War clone? Nope. A generic lazy-as-hell first-person-shooter? FUCK NO! For $40 on PC and consoles, how dare they expect such an effort! Instead, the entire game is an online-rail arcade shooting gallery..."
"Really?", asked Piper and Clover curiously.
The starling says, "...yes, peppered with, you guessed it, innovative QTE sequences!"
"What's QTE mean?", wondered Gemma and Cassie.
Scarlet answered her, "It mean Quick Time Events. Also, the trailer for the game is lying to you, it completely misrepresents the type of gameplay here, a clever and disgusting ruse to hide the game's true self. The game's story takes you through the first three Rambo films. Horribly-rendered and putrid cutscenes attempt to replicate the important action sequences, in the movies in between the shooting galleries. But it is executed with the skill of a first-year intern that it likely would've been better to straight-up use actual footage from the movies, instead of this."
"That sounds actually a good point, to clarify.", Vega commented. "I can't imagine what it looks like with the audios from the movies."
The magenta-haired starling agrees, "I exactly agree, I played it before, my lovely Vega. A seemingly good option shows every single word of spoken dialogue is ripped straight from that intern's DVD copy of the movie. I suppose because when Stallone was asked to return to voice Rambo, in this shit starf excuse for a game, he said this;", as she pulls out her Starzap to show a hologram of a scene from the movie, edited to show Stallone saying threateningly, "Let it go.", to Teyon, playing as the alleged victim.
"Oh my.", Gemma and Cassie gasps with the others.
Scarlet continues as she turns off her Starzap, "The entire game, you don't ever control or move your character, he controls himself from cover to cover, occasionally, standing out in the open in true idiotic fashion. I say idiotic, because you often run out of ammo after the countless waves of enemies, which leaves you completely vulnerable standing open in those sections, getting riddled with BULLETS!"
"That sounds solar flaring-ly violent.", gulped Sage and Libby.
The starling goes on, "If they wanted to have sequences, but you stand out in the open, Rambo style, they needed to tie it in with the Wrath system, and give you unlimited ammo. Instead, activating the Wrath here, will put you into slo-mo, and refill your health for every kill you make, while Rambo screams like he stubbed his freaking toe!"
Listening to that last part of Scarlet's sentence, the other eleven starlings but Scarlet, laugh so hard that makes Scarlet smile too. Leona says during laughing, "Rambo stubbed his toe!", continuing laughing with her friends but Scarlet. After a few moments, they stop laughing.
"Okay. That was funny. What else?", said Sage.
Scarlet adds, "Oh, and you're gonna need to use this system, definitely, to recover your health after the sections where you took too much damage, from standing out in the open! Against enemies with pixel-perfect laser accuracy! Nothing at all like the enemies in the movies, which couldn't hit the broadside of a fucking barn!"
"Broadside of a barn?", Piper and Clover said, questioned.
The third-year corrects, "It means they can't hit a target. As if they weren't trained much before in their freaking fireball lives.", which made Piper and Clover at the verge of laughing, covering their mouth that controls their holding laughter. "The auto-aim on consoles often snaps to enemies, screwing up your free-aim, and headshots. Turn it off immediately, no no, in fact, don't ever buy or play the game to turn it anything, instead just, just, listen to me talk about it, okay, before each level, you're free to pick Rambo's primary and secondary weapons, as well as some perks and abilities, and I'm surprisingly, NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERS! The guns all feel the same, a pea shooter, with no impact, no satisfying visual feedback, the only difference is that some guns, have more ammo than others. Guess which one is better?"
"Uh...we don't know. The big guns maybe?", Adora and Tessa guess, but Scarlet doesn't answer.
Scarlet although continued, "Perks? Perks are laughingly pointless in such a simplistic rail shooter, and the toughness and wrath? Those are the only two skill lines worth taking, making the whole thing FU-TI-LE. There is no innovation to the rail shooter, no attempts on anything new, in fact, the best they can come up with...is this little ammo reload mini-game, which increases your clip size by two, if you hit the sleek spot perfectly, for some ungodly reason and magically makes your clip longer. And even that mechanic is made worthless in game, where you can stay behind cover indefinitely and just wait until you reload with a perfect rating! So...starfing...stupid!"
"That's strange.", Astra and Leona look at each other. "No wonder."
The starling then said, "They break up these waves of bullets and explosions, with stealth sections, and I'm using quotations because this is someone with brain damage thinks counts as stealth!"
For the second time, the eleven starlings giggle and laugh a bit to Scarlet's quotations, only for a few seconds.
"Quotations are hilarious! But seriously, the person with brain damage does not know about anything with stealth sections.", Libby said.
The third-year nonetheless continues, "Quick Time Events. But in case that part of the game is too difficult for you, Rambo can equip a perk that automatically succeeds at every QTE! What the fuck? It's as if the developers knew that the QTEs were shit, and no one would want to do them, so they included that option instead of developing, I don't know, something completely different, like actual stealth! However, don't use that option as the QTEs are really your only source of entertainment and, and sanity relief in this shit game. They let you see all the hilarious ways Rambo could've died in the movies if he fucked it up!"
"OMS. In what kinds of hilarious ways Rambo dies in that? If the player misses the QTE?", Vega worried.
The magenta-haired girl answered, "Several ways like getting shot, taking too much damage, beaten up, so-so.", which made Vega shocked as she comes over to hug Scarlet with love, whilst the other ten were intrigued by this. "That reminds me of another thing in the bad game.", she then says as she kisses Vega's forehead as Vega goes back to her friends. "Hey, did you guys remember, that part in Rambo: First Blood, where Rambo kills 137 cops...?!"
"No. We haven't seen that movie.", Sage, Libby and Leona said, the rest of the eight nodding no.
Scarlet adds, "...with either his machine gun, or by brutally stabbing them in the throats?!"
"Nope. Not at all.", the main three starlings answer again, the other eight but Scarlet nodding no.
The starling then said, "Yeah. Me neither. Considering in the movie he only inadvertently killed one cop who was a complete asshole, who fell from a helicopter, it was his fault, and then another who pretty much started the whole thing...and possibly these guys on the side of the road."
"Were they cops too?", Gemma and Cassie asked.
The third-year told her friends, "Yep. But in the game the body count can rise to ridiculous levels, with simply a tiny score penalty and a little floating text message that says Cop Killer. Ohhh, no! You're supposed to shoot their legs or their guns out of their hands, which it's impossible with a stupid auto-aim on, not counting there being zero meaningful incentives, to do that."
"Okay, first of all, WHY IS THERE A COP KILLER PENALTY! It's like when I'm playing one of my hardest tournaments in Starland which had some stressful penalties, but my team managed to win though. COP KILLER!", Astra said about that part, as the other eleven starlings looked at her. "I agree with you mostly, Scarlet. No wonder that's one of the most awful games ever, but the cops were after the player's character anyway.", she awkwardly and pointed out agreeing.
The magenta-haired starling then says, "Okay. What else sucks in this game besides, I don't know, everything? Oh! The same musical flourish from the soundtrack, over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over- This is not how you do your music cheaply, guys!"
"What soundtrack musical flourish did it happen? Just the same level?", Piper and Clover curiously pondered.
Scarlet answered, "Worse. The whole game!", as Piper and Clover embrace as they gasp, before looking at each other and enduring their romantic embrace. "Every time you complete a mission by the way, Rambo says...!", she said before she pulls out her Starzap and putting on an audio file from the game which Rambo saying while breathing heavily, "...Accomplished...", before the starling continues her point, "And every time you die, the kernel says...!", putting on another audio file from the game in which the kernel yelled, "JOHN!", before Scarlet turns off the Starzap and puts it back in her pocket, saying, "Every. Time!"
"My. It would be awful to listen to that for six hours. That game is so cheap, the developers couldn't afford to use voice actors!", Libby commented.
The starling agreed, "Thankfully you won't hear that death screen often, because the game is ridiculously easy. You get five tries every level. But you won't need any of them, until of course, the last mission. I am so sick of poorly programmed games like these, that think, trying everything at you like the kitchen sink, at once, at an unfair way, equals difficulty and challenge. No, it's the mark of a BAD game. Boss type enemies showing up two or three at a time, often with other armed boss type enemies backing them up. You have two enemy machine gunners, with two fifty-caliber machine gun trucks, a grenadier, two commanders, a flamethrower and a ton of grunts, all in a single section, firing non-stop."
"That. Is hard. That'll makes us worried if you didn't beat the last mission.", Sage and Leona unsure-ly said.
The third-year replied, "I'll tell you soon. Meaning you have to play a stupid game of Whack-A-Mole with yourself, peeking your head up and around the corner, you know, for a milli-starsecond, while shooting your gun, which often goes through the rocks."
"We have to agree with you on that one. Tessa and I were having fun together, but we didn't play Whack-A-Mole, but yet we've all heard of it.", told Adora to her third-year friend.
The magenta-haired girl sighed, "I don't remember that part in Rambo..."
"Well, Scarlet, I was there with you hanging out, watching you play the game actually. It's awful.", Vega said to her girlfriend.
Scarlet said, "Yeah, I know, sweet darling Vega. I do...remember when I played that part when Vega was with me one day.", starting a flashback when she and Vega were hanging out when the third-year was playing the game's last mission.
Yesterday Night
When Vega was hanging out with her girlfriend Scarlet in the latter's dorm room, Scarlet was playing the game as she was doing the Whack-A-Mole method in the last level.
"Fuck. This. Fucking. Game. Fuck it. In it's. Stupid. Fucking. Mouth.", Scarlet said as she was playing that part in the Rambo video game.
Nevertheless of this effort, Vega giggles and laughs to Scarlet's joke as she sighs lovingly, laying down on Scarlet as they both endured their relationship during their hangout in her dorm.
Returning back to the present, Scarlet said, "And even if you somehow get past on one of these sections, it throws even more at you in the next section! After you've used all your grenades...!"
"We wouldn't be so sure about that. That's repetitive.", Gemma and Cassie replied about another of the game's cons.
The starling corrects and said, "Don't you mean, cheaply repetitive? However, I did beat the last level, which is the hardest in this game. And, or how about just fuck all that, and just let the player get past the stupid bullshit, BUT THEN CRASH THE GAME WITH BUGS, JUST BEFORE IT WINS!", to the eleven starlings. "I'll tell you some examples of this that happened last night before my romantic hangout with Vega..."
During her gameplay of the last mission around the time before Vega hanged out with Scarlet, the third-year was in the progress of going through the last mission, but when she was about to kill an enemy, the game suddenly crashes.
"What the fuck?! FUCK! ...The game just fucking crashed. That's another thing I have to deal with. The game will randomly CRASH!", Scarlet sarcastically groans.
And in another time she was playing the same mission in the same yesterday night before her hang out with her girlfriend Vega, Scarlet accidentally gets a bad QTE score at one part, causing her to swear, and once again, the game crashes.
"THE FUCKING GAME CRASHED AGAIN!", Scarlet yelled, before growling a bit in anger before sighing and facepalming, calming herself.
In the present once again, Scarlet confesses about the game, "This is a game that should be bought by absolutely no one. The amount of consideration you have for buying this, should equal the amount of effort that went into making it a good game. Which is NONE. NONE. For anyone who has played it, it's like- it's like remembering being slowly tortured, death by crappy licensed cashing, and true to the series, the developers got one thing right, I'm sure inadvertently. Playing it manages to give you some post-traumatic stress disorder, just like the real John Rambo."
"Post-traumic stress disorder? Never experienced that.", Sage said along with the other ten starlings.
The magenta-haired starling asks, "How long is this shit anyway, on the other hand?"
"Uh...", Libby and Leona ask, "...4 hours?"
Scarlet's jaw dropped and replies, "4 HOURS?! 4 FUCKING HOURS?-? And that's would be dying over and over in the last level! How long was it for others?"
"Uh...", also guessed Sage and Vega, "...2 hours and a quarter?"
The third-year was also shocked and said, "2 HOURS AND 14 MINUTES? For $40 dollars?! A rail shooter! For two hours! It's $40 dollars...!"
"What were the developers thinking!", Piper and Clover exclaimed.
Scarlet then hesitated and argued towards the game, giving it the final verdict as well, "...Fuck Rambo the Video Game! The final verdict is a 2/10! It only escapes being worse, because it made me laugh at how bad it was sometimes. However, it was good for my health, or not is something that I question."
"I don't think it's good for anybody's health, to be honest. If it has to do with a bug that has to do with slo-mo, we twelve are out.", Adora, Tessa and Gemma said.
Astra and Cassie agree, "I totally agree with you girls.", with the other six agreeing but Scarlet.
"Take a serious look at all of the ratings' outlets give this game. If it's a fraction higher than 3, not if they're super-nostalgic, maybe, then they are BABBLING MORONS! And should be forced to play the game over and over until they assign the rating it deserves! Not an average game, it's a piece of shit, epic fail! You developers better stop making these types of lazy cash-ins, of licenses we like!", details the third-year.
Sage and Libby then agree, "Yeah! Tell those developers! We're with you on this!"
"You know what; if this didn't have the Rambo name plastered all over it, it wouldn't even hit the bargain bin ever released! Yeah- And it wouldn't even hit the trash bin! It would miss it, fall on the floor and just get stepped on over and over by people walking by, then picked up with dog's teeth, slobbering, rabid dog, who would bury it and shit on it!", Scarlet examples, which startles the other eleven Star Darlings.
Vega then said to Scarlet informatively, "Or, we could just sell it and never buy it again."
"Right you are, my love. Should've thought that part through.", Scarlet said to her love interest. "And to you developers out there, STOP BEING SO DAMN FORGIVING TO THIS SHIT! Stop. No. Stop this type of bullshit!", she then roars angrily towards the developers, as the eleven, mostly the lovestruck Vega, cheered. "Fucking lies to this video game. What a way for me to review about this bad 2014 game. Final recommendation. Never buy the game or play it. Pick other games that are much better than this.", she then finishes her review.
Sage, Libby, Leona and the other seven cheer again, with Vega hugging her dear Scarlet with love and care, the former three main starlings saying, "Way to go, Scarlet! To be honest, you do make a great critic for games.", with the other seven girls nodding whilst smiling.
"Huh. Maybe I am.", proudly said Scarlet, as she embraces Vega too. "I'll just stick to new and more amazing games for now on my spare time.", she said lastly.
THE END