I'm not SM and don't claim to be. She owns these great characters. I'm just playing a little adult dress up with them.
Chapter 1
What have I done? That seems to be the question I can't stop asking myself lately. In the grand scheme of things, I really don't have anything to show for myself. Well, except for a past full of not so smart decisions. I wouldn't say they were all screw-ups but a good portion of them were. Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if it weren't for Charlie.
Today's the first day of my second attempt at going to college. Nothing fancy, just a SUNY school. But hopefully this time will mean something for me. And of course, I was nothing short of my spectacularly plain, insignificant, and clumsy self. Yet the minute I walked into the advisor's office I couldn't help but wipe my chin to make sure that my drooling was really only mentally.
Holy crap, but who ever this man was, he was fuckhot! And of course, the minute I realized that, I dropped my bag; which of course just had to dump everything that was in it onto the floor. Thankfully there was nothing embarrassing in there. Not that my complete lack of coordination wasn't embarrassing but it could have been worse if, oh, I don't know, my tampons came flying out. It didn't help that he seemed to have noticed my moment of idiocy. Being a seemingly kind person, he came over to help me pick my crap up, unfortunately he didn't realize the fact that the Bella-force was in full effect today and he should have steered clear. I swear there's a path of damage that follows me around sometimes like I'm an F4 tornado. Just as he bent down to help me pick my crap up, I bent down. And my luck being what it is, our heads collided. I'm pretty sure I gave him a concussion but he swore he was fine. After getting the offending materials stuffed back in my bag I quietly asked if he knew where Mr. Masen was.
"Well, I guess that would depend on who you might be," God, even his voice was amazing! He couldn't be from around here. They just don't come that gorgeous around here.
"Uhm, I'm his ten o'clock." Good job, Bella. Don't sound too enthusiastic about it or anything.
"So, does that make you Miss Swan?" And with continuing the awesome theme I seemed to have going on today for showing just how much I didn't belong back at college, all I could manage to do was nod my head. Then it dawned on me, if this glorious specimen of man-meat knew my name… it must mean that he's Mr. Masen.
Crap. Shit. Fuck me sideways. I was just blatantly ogling my advisor, and if I was being completely honest with myself, I wasn't just ogling him, I was totally eye-fucking him. Fuck. That's gotta break some sort of fraternization policy for the college, right? I can only hope not. I mean, damn, I know it's been awhile but I wouldn't mind breaking my dry spell with him. Just as my mind started to take a turn for the x-rated he cleared his throat, pulling me out of my steamy thoughts.
"So, you are Miss Swan then?" He waved his hand towards a chair next to the desk as he started shuffling papers around and pulling out a manila folder that I could see had my name on it. I don't get people sometimes- if they have the answers, quite literally, right in front of them, why do they ask the questions? The man obviously knew who I was. I told him I was the ten o'clock appointment, he had a folder in his hand with my name on it, and I'm pretty sure I caught a flash of my student ID in there too, which meant he had at some point seen a picture of me. God, was this man socially slower than me or just really into the rhetorical questions?
"Uh, yeah I'm Bella." Great job again there Bella, don't break your arm patting yourself on the back with extensive vocabulary you seem to be putting to wonderful use here.
"And what is it that you were going to be majoring in?" Seriously dude? You can't just open that little folder in front of your pretty face and read it for yourself? Of course he was a grade-A piece of man-meat, but he seemed to be dumber than a box of rocks. Just my luck; all the pretty ones usually are vapid; vapid or gay.
"Business, but I think I've already got my schedule all taken care of and, uh, I don't have any conflicts so I'm not really sure why I'm here…" Wow, congratulations Bella, you managed to form more than a three word sentence.
"Well, it's basically just a getting-to-know-you sort of appointment. Just so that we can talk about anything that may be going on, or whatever, with your class schedule or anything like that. Plus, this way you'll know where my office is, should you need to drop or change any classes."
"Oh, ok. So I know where your office is, obviously," Cue mental eye roll. "I already said that I didn't have any conflicts with my schedule, or anything else for that fact. I don't foresee needing to change any of my classes so is it ok if I just leave?"
Wait a minute… was he just eyeing me up? I know I'm far from hideous, but really, this guy must have chicks throwing themselves at him on an hourly basis. Why the fuck would he be looking at me like that?
"Yeah, sure. I mean since you don't seem to have any real reason to be here. But I do want to let you know that my office hours are on the wall just outside the door, well here, let me give you one of my cards- it's got all that info on it along with my office phone number and my email address. You know, just in case you do need to get a hold of me for anything."
It's kind of obvious now. "Yeah, sure, thanks." And three-word-vocabulary Bella's back. I took his card and practically bolted out of his office.
So here I am, sitting in my Jeep, staring at my phone hoping that in some way it's going to take away the mortification of today's misadventures. Unfortunately I'm not that lucky. I couldn't be that lucky, ever. Well in the words of my cousin, I'm going to hell… wearing kerosene pants, sitting on a keg of dynamite.
What the hell Bella? You can't just ogle your fucking advisor like that! God, get yourself under control! You're acting like a fifteen year old ball of hormones. Seriously, where the hell was this all coming from? I mean, honestly, I know it's been awhile… like the better part of a year. But still. Shamelessly ogling the man? He didn't do anything to deserve that. Get a grip Bella… Oh, god. I'd love to get a grip on him. Holy fuck! What am I thinking? I have got to stop this!
Thankfully at that moment I was pulled out of my own thoughts as I heard the familiar melody stream through the interior of the Jeep.
I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand
Alice. What could she possibly want? She knows that today is my first day of college. Granted it's really more just of an orientation, but still, the fact that I don't have any classes today should have dissuaded her from bothering me. Ugh. This is Alice we're talking about here…
I reluctantly picked up my phone and slid it open.
"Hello Alice. Why are you calling me when you know I'm on the campus today?"
"Can't a girl call her best friend and make sure her day is going absolutely spectacularly?"
"Alice, sweetie, you know I love you but you're not making today any better. Ugh. I've been here a total of like two hours and I've already made a complete ass of myself!"
"Drinks with the girls later? You know some time out will do you good. Besides it's been forever since we've all gone out. I know that Rose and Ang miss hanging out with you. Our nights out are so boring without you." Boy, Alice always knew how to pull an awesome guilt trip out of nowhere when she really wanted to drive her point home and get her way.
I huffed a sigh, "Damnit Alice, you know it's not that easy for me." She knew it, too, yet she constantly insisted that nothing was different with me and that I could still just go out with the girls for drinks whenever the thought struck me to.
"Ok sweetie, relax, we'll figure it out so you can come out for some karaoke tonight. So other than that, how's the first day on campus going?" Alice always tried so hard to be there for me after everything that had happened, but I know it was hard for her, almost as hard as it was for me. We just weren't from the same worlds anymore.
"Ugh. Alice, really, it hasn't been going so well. The Bella-force is striking the scales at an F3, at least, today." I tried hard not to let the desperation seep into my voice as best as I could, but of course Ali saw right through it.
"Aw, hun, it can't really be that bad can it? It's not like you're in classes or anything. What happened?"
Instantly my thoughts reverberated back to my advisor. Damnit. He's just so delectable, and so very lickable. Yeah, I'm sure that crosses some sort of fraternization rules for the college. Can't have the students going around and licking the faculty, now can we?
"I had a meeting with my advisor today… And pretty much the minute I walk into his office, I see this fine grade-A USDA approved choice piece of sexy man-meat, and what do I do? I turn into the world's biggest klutz. Oh, wait, I already am the world's biggest klutz. I dropped my bag on the floor as soon as he turned around. Thank god I didn't have any tampons or anything in there because everything flew out all over the floor. And then I find out that the man I'd been shamelessly ogling is my advisor! And to top it all off, I think I may have given him a concussion…" I didn't mean to sound so whiney or wail into the phone. I'm sure Alice is really getting sick of my pissing and moaning that she puts up with all the time. God, what did I do to get lucky enough to get her as a best friend?
"Oh… What's the college's policy on fraternization?" Alice had something up her sleeve, and knowing the evil little sprite, I knew what she was kicking around in that brain of hers.
"Alice, I'm not going to sleep with my advisor. I don't care how hot he is. I can't do just do that and you know as well as I do why it's just not possible. Now, please, stop thinking it." She seemed to think that for the better part of this past year it had become her mission in life to get some hot guy into bed with me. She said it was strictly because I needed to relieve all my sexual frustration. She really just didn't understand that that was the whole reason for the new and improved shower head in my bathroom. Sure, I told everyone it was because of the problems I have with my back. Pretty much everyone bought that excuse, but there were still a few people who knew better. They knew that stress-relief was the point of the fifty dollar showerhead but it wasn't for the muscles in my back.
"Hey, Alice, I gotta get going. I'm sitting in the Jeep since I bolted out of Mr. Masen's office. Painfully wishing that the ground would just open up and swallow me whole; but since we all know how horrible my luck is, the ground just isn't cooperating. So knowing that, I need to get to the next place… uhm, some freshman orientation meet and greet thing. I really don't get the point of all this, especially since most of my classes are online and it's not like I'm going to be living on campus or anything…" I knew I shouldn't have said it because I knew what Ali was going to come back with. I loved the girl with my whole heart but she knew how to find my one last nerve and just flick it, repeatedly.
"Bells, you know that you have to stop being such a wallflower at some point and start talking to people. I know it's hard for you, but you gotta try. You're never going to meet anyone if you can't put yourself out there at least a tiny bit." Alice was always a social butterfly and it was one of those things that she was constantly trying to get to rub off on me. Unfortunately it really didn't work.
"I'll try Ali. I can't promise anything more than that. I'll call you later, when I get back home and see what's going on, maybe I can arrange some things so that we can have that night out." My face immediately scrunched up and I held the phone away from my ear expecting the squeal that was about to attempt to break my ear drum.
"Oh, Bells, it's gonna be so awesome to have you out with the girls again!" I could almost see her jumping up and down with excitement.
"I'll text the girls and see what they have to say. I'll talk to you later Ali."
"I'll be expecting your call the minute you get an answer from Charlie. Got it? 'Cause if I don't hear from you, I'll take care of it myself, and sweetie, you know I will." I often wondered where Alice got her freakish amount of excitement and energy.
"Yes Ali, I'll call you as soon as I have an answer. Now, I really, really have to go! I'll talk to you later ok?" I loved the girl to death, but damn, she could be worse than a pit bull sometimes.
"Ok sweets! Talk to you soon!"
I slid my phone closed and double checked my messenger bag to make sure that there wasn't anything embarrassing in it, in case I decided to be myself in front of some other unsuspecting hottie. I sighed as I grabbed my keys and threw my bag over my shoulder and got out of the Jeep to head off to the clusterfuck that was the freshman orientation meet and greet. My only hope was that Mr. McHottie-Masen wasn't going to be there. This was for freshmen after all.
\m/ . \m/
I scanned the faces of everyone in the amphitheater as I walked in. Of course, just like high school, since so many of them were fresh from graduation, they all broke off into their own little cliques. I wasn't sure where I fit in. I was the twenty-eight year old attempting college for the second time around. I didn't have anything in common with these kids. Hell I wouldn't know what clique I fit in even if I wanted to try. I was an artist, piercings and tattoos, musically I listened to damn near everything, I didn't smoke pot, not any more at least, I was smart; probably smarter than most of the kids in here. Damn. I didn't fit in with the alternative, preps, jocks, potheads, or the nerds. I was a little bit of all of that.
Yep, taking my place against the wall as usual. Wow. Ali would be so proud, at least this time it took me a whole three minutes of anxiety to decide to glue myself to the wall, instead of instantly migrating there with my eyes on my shoes. I did manage to make eye contact with a few of the cuties though. With any luck I could get a few numbers before the semester ended. Heh, who was I really kidding. I'm not brave enough to give out my number, and I'm sure as hell not brave enough to actually ask for a number.
I was leaning up against the wall, just watching everyone and waiting for the dean to come make his welcome speech, blah, blah, blah, refreshments, and attempt to not have an anxiety attack and mingle. I need to make contact with one other human that I don't already know otherwise, I'm going to have a mini Satan spawn to deal with. But of course, Murphy hates me. As sure as the sun rises every day, for me, anything that can go wrong does go wrong. In strolls the epitome of sex on legs. Mr. Masen. I was fucked. I couldn't help but shamelessly ogle the man. I think I heard a simultaneous squelching from all the females in the room as soon as they spotted the man-god sent down for the eyegasms of all the women of this planet. And as the Bella-force continued, Murphy sat like a kid on an ant hill with a magnifying glass, and the universe started torturing me yet again. Sex-hair made eye contact with me. Me of all people, I'm almost certain that the only thoughts running through his pretty little head right about then had to be along the lines of 'Oh, dear god. The crazy girl's here. Please god, any god that may be listening in on me in fact, keep her and all her crazy away from me please!' If only I could have been so lucky. Nope. I wasn't.
"Hey, Bella, right?" Oh dear god. He's talking to me.
What do I say? Shit. He's got such a pretty mouth, I wonder what it'd feel like on mine. His hands running along my body, caressing me, skimming over my stomach, my ribs, my breasts. Oh god, he's got such long fingers! I bet he knows exactly how to use them too. God I just wanted to feel his mouth on me.
"Uhm, are you ok? You look a little flushed. Can I get you some water or something?"
Shit, breathe Bella! And for fucks sake, answer the man's question!
"Uh, no… Um… I mean, yeah, I'm Bella. I'm fine though, really. You don't need to get me anything," but you can put that delicious mouth of yours on mine. I let my eyes rake over his form. I had the sudden urge to drop to my knees and start bowing to him, or blowing him; either way I had the overwhelming urge to be on my knees in front of this man-god. He can't be from this world. He's too perfect.
Oh, god, yes. He started walking towards me. Getting closer until he slowly bent down and claimed my mouth with his, slowly dragging his lips down my neck to my shoulder. I could feel him running his hands over my ribs, skimming the soft curve of the underside of my breasts; breathing me in.
"God, Bella, I've wanted to do this since the second I saw you in my office this morning"
I couldn't speak. The things his lips were doing to me should be illegal. Every place he touched his mouth to my skin sparked and tingled. I knew my face must be about as red as a tomato, I could feel my body flush under his touch. He started walking forward, pushing me even further up against the wall as his mouth and fingers continued to explore my skin. I hit the wall with a quiet thud with the final step, as he continued to step into me. Sliding his hands down to my waist pulling me roughly against him grinding his obvious erection into my hip. I gasped as I felt his hard length press into my skin.
"Do you feel what you do to me? I've been this hard since I watched you bend over to pick up your bag this morning. I've had to take matters into my own hands twice today already. Yet the minute I laid my eyes on you in here I was just as hard as I was before. It's like I'm a fifteen year old boy who can't keep his raging hormones in check. You make my body crazy."
I slowly slid my hands up his arms, over his shoulders, feeling the muscles tense under my fingers. From his shoulder, down his chest, grazing my nails over his pecs and nipples. Over the hard planes of his abs, down to his my hands out to his hips and thighs, and back up again.
I was getting braver in my explorations of his body. I was just about to caress his thighs, bringing my hands closer to his straining cock…
All of a sudden I was surrounded by loud obnoxious clapping.
What. The. Fuck. How rude. It's just starting to get good…
Damnit! I have got to make sure to talk Charlie into letting me go out with the girls tonight. I need to get my mind off of the fact that I haven't actually had sex with another person in the same room as me in almost a year. I just shamelessly molested my advisor… well mentally anyways. I'm sure that's gotta count for something, right?
I sighed and pulled out my phone. Sliding it open, I opened up a new text, asking the girls if they wanted to get together tonight for a few drinks. I knew it didn't matter that it was a weekday and both Rose and Ang had to work the next day. They'd missed hanging out with all of us together. Plus I think that tonight was karaoke night at most of the bars around town, so it was pretty much a no-brainer that they'd both be texting me back asking the details.
I tried to pay attention to whomever it was that was at the podium talking to the freshman class.
And, once again, in true Bella-force form, my phone went off in my hand.
That has got to be the smallest dick
I've ever seen in my whole life
I have ever seen in my whole life
Get the fuck outta here
Iny weeny teeny weeny
Shriveled little short dick man
Goddamnit Rosalie! Not only did I forget that she had programmed that as her ringtone, but it was so silent in the amphitheater that you could have heard a damn pin drop, and my volume was all the way up. Almost instantly I felt damn near every set of eyes in the room on me. I tried to slide my phone open to shut the damned thing up but in my haste I launched it about four feet in front of me I was so nervous. I knew I was bright red again. I dropped to the floor, grabbed my phone and slid it open using both hands in an attempt to escape any further mortification.
She was actually calling me? Weird. I wasn't about to answer it, I didn't give a damn what she was calling about. I'd embarrassed myself enough today. There was no way in hell I was going to do anything that required me to open my mouth and attempt to speak.
Form words? Coherent sentences? Ha! Fat chance, Swan! You know I can't do that for you.
I quickly, well as quick as I could, silenced the phone, apologizing for the interruption profusely. Today has officially been the worst day of my life. I'd say that it can't get any worse, but with my luck, it probably will.
Eventually everyone stopped staring at me and whoever it was at the podium kept droning on and on about god only knows what. I'd have to call Rose back as soon as I got out of the lecture hall. She'd definitely be getting a piece of my mind for that damned ringtone.
About an hour later, after attempting to mingle and make nice with the other freshmen, I decided I'd have enough of this shiny happy people shit. I did manage to snag a couple of phone numbers from some prospective friends. A brunette named Jessica and a redhead named Ashley. They seemed nice enough. I actually spoke words to them and they didn't run screaming from all my crazy. That definitely counts for something.
As I stepped out of the lecture hall, I slid my phone open and pulled up Rose's number and hit send.
"What the hell Bells? You can't answer my damn calls? I actually got five minutes to catch up with my best friend and she can't be bothered to answer the fucking phone." Well, Rose was never one to mince words…
"Rose! I was in the middle of a huge ass lecture hall with like every single fucking freshman for this semester! And, we need to talk about that damned ringtone you decided you needed to put on my phone no less. And of course, just so you know, I had it turned all the way up for some reason and that stupid song started playing and all I could think was something bad had happened. Why didn't you just text me? That would have been so much easier…"
"Bella, when are you going to learn that I do what I want, when I want." Rose definitely had a point there, but I wasn't entirely sure what the hell that had to do with going out tonight, or her calling me in the middle of the day when she knew I'd be at the college. "Anyway, I was calling about going out tonight. Are we really gonna do this? I mean don't get me wrong here sweetie, but you aren't entirely known for keeping your word lately when it comes to us girls going out…"
"Rose, I'm serious about this tonight. I really need to get completely blitzed and forget about my tragic life for once… well most of it anyways." And wasn't that the truth. I really did need the distraction. I knew Rose wouldn't settle for just that and with her heavy sigh I knew I was about to face an inquisition.
"Bella, sweetie, what aren't you telling me?" Damnit, how could she always read me like that? Even just over the phone she knew.
"I can't talk about it right now Rose, but I promise to completely dish tonight. Just let me get some alcohol in my system." I was always more willing to talk after hanging out with the Captain for a few minutes.
"Ok, but you better not flake out this time. I swear if you do, I'm coming after you, dragging out of the house and we're going out anyways." God, I loved my friends. They were always there for me, no matter how many times I flaked out on them.
"I promise Rosie. I wouldn't flake tonight, even if my life depended on it. So I'll see you tonight then? I'm not sure what Ali has in mind, but I figured that we could meet up at the first bar on the boulevard and then ya know, work our way down the street, around, uhm, eight o'clock?" I think that may have been a bit early but I didn't care. I really needed this.
"Definitely Bells! You know you could tell me that you wanted meet me at Saint Mary's for mass, and I'd be there with my best pair of fuck me pumps on and a little red dress" She laughed at the absurdity of what she just said, but the sad thing was that I knew if I asked she would.
"Ok, I gotta get off of here, ya know college student and all that shit. I'll see you tonight hun."
We said our goodbyes and hung up. I had a sneaking suspicion that tonight was going to be a night full of drunkenness, debauchery and general fuckery. But it sure was going to be one hell of night to remember.
\m/ . \m/
Later that night, dressed in my hottest black mini skirt that showed off all my southern tats, a red pleather halter top that definitely showed off an ample amount of cleavage and my chest piece, and a pair of strappy peep toe heels; I waited on the sidewalk for the girls. Charlie was more than happy to help me get out tonight, and of course Ang was more than thrilled, just like Rose and Ali, to be having a night out with all of us together again. I know I had told the girls eight, but it was damn near 8:30. Where the hell were they? I was going to promptly shove my pretty little shoes up each one of their asses. I was on time for once, for something they all bitched at me about for not being able to do, and the first time in the better of part of two years that I can actually get out of the house on a night that we could all hang out and they fucking stand me up! What the fuck.
That's it. I pulled out my phone, scrolling through my contacts I pulled up Ali's number and hit send. It rang twice, "Hello dear Bella. We got stuck in traffic, I swear to god above we're not standing you up. We should be there in like three minutes. Promise." Of course Alice knew why I was calling. Why the hell couldn't she have called me, oh, I don't know, twenty five minutes ago to tell me that they were going to be late. Oh well, no matter now. What's done is done and I didn't want it ruining the rest of our night.
"Ok, I'll forgive you this time. But I expect at least three rounds out of this. I've been standing on the fucking street getting propositioned from all the fucking drunks for the past half hour."
Yeah, that was the wrong thing to say.
"Oh my god! Bella, are you dressed like a hooker?" Yep. That's what Alice would pick up on, "Wow, I never thought I'd see the day that you let go that much! I bet you look totally fuckhot! How many times have you been propped?"
"Alice, I really don't want to go into this. I just want to get to the first bar and reacquaint myself with the Captain. I need to forget about shit for awhile, ya know?" I knew Alice was really the driving force behind tonight actually happening but it felt like I had to remind her of that.
"Oh, right, of course. Well we're just pulling into the parking lot out back. Did you want to walk back and meet us or wait for us up there?"
"Uh, I'm on my way back. I'm really tired of all the guys thinking I'm a fucking hooker. I'll be in the parking lot in just a minute. I'll see you ok?"
Alice hung up and was bouncing across the parking lot as I rounded the building.
"OH MY GOD BELLA! Look at you!" A squealing Alice is never a pleasant experience for anyone with working eardrums. I was glad to know that she approved of my outfit, especially considering she always seemed to think that I was a perpetual fashion faux pas. Ang and Rose strolled up behind Alice with similar looks of approval.
"Lookin' hot sweetie. I really didn't think you had it in you though." Rose usually tried to be a buffer between Alice and me on certain issues, fashion being a big one.
"Hi, Rose, Alice, Ang," Hugs were given all around, "Can we get off the fucking sidewalk now? I'm missing out on quality time with my best friends" The girls all flashed me huge smiles, "Ya know, the Captain, Jack, Jim, Johnny, his brothers; black and red, Jose and of course Bud!" I couldn't help but feel a thousand pounds lighter after just being with the girls for the short few minutes that I had. God, I'd missed them. Even if they didn't find my jokes as funny as I did. After the eye rolls and a few very un-lady like snorts, we started walking towards the first bar on the street.
We walked into Bootstrap Bullies and were immediately hit with the smells that belong only to the best hole-in-the-wall type bars. BB's was always our first stop of the night. I noticed right away that there was a new bar tender. No worries, I figure the girls would be ordering my drinks for most of the night anyways. We found a table off to the side of the stage as Ali danced up to the bar to order our first two rounds. It didn't really surprise me that she was the one to head up, she did have a thing for bar tenders. Although the new one was tall, lanky and blonde; not Ali's typical MO but the bar tender aspect of him alone is probably what Ali ran off after; and the he was about to get a healthy dose of the flirtatious little pixie. He wasn't going to know what hit him.
A few minutes later Alice trounced back to our table carrying a tray full of glasses.
"What the hell Ali? How many rounds did you get us?" I knew her M.O. so knowing that all the extra rounds were just her way of staying up at the bar to flirt with the bar tender I didn't go too hard on her.
"Well I got us the obligatory first round, and in honor of this being Bells first night on the town in what, almost eight months? I figured we'd go with Alabama slammers, rocky mountain bear fucks, Irish pirates, hot lesbian sex, short bus and the Anti-Christ. Shots first, ladies, so do we go with the Alabama slammers or the rocky mountain bear fucks?"
Jesus, Alice sure did have a way of finding the weirdest ass names for drinks. The bitch didn't even bring me a chaser. Oh well.
"I say we go for the rocky mountain thing-a-ma-bobs. We've all had Alabama slammers. They're pretty sweet so if the bear things don't go down so smooth we can chase it with the slammers. Shall we train it ladies? Bears, slammers, hot lesbian sex, short bus, Irish pirates, and then end it off with the Anti-Christ?" The girls all lined up their drinks and nodded in acceptance. "Wait! Oh my god, wait a minute! I just thought of something- hear me out before you all roll your eyes at me and groan. I had hot lesbian sex in the short bus while Irish pirates drank Alabama slammers and the Anti-Christ got a good ole rocky mountain bear fuck…" The girls suddenly went silent. I wasn't sure what to say. It was obvious they didn't like my joke. I didn't really figure they would. Oh well.
All of a sudden they all facepalmed and rolled their eyes at me. "Fine, fuckers- line 'em up girls and get ready to go- my idea so I'll start us off. Are we going left or right with this?" Of course I'm the one to come up with the insane idea of slamming six shots as fast as we could. I think I'm going for a record of how quickly I can give myself, along with my three best friends, alcohol poisoning.
"I'll brave the line and go second," That a girl, Ang! I can always count on her to follow my ass around in just about every dumbass idea I come up with. Alice decided to let Rose sit across from me at our little table so of course that meant that she would be next in line, with our crazy little fairy pulling up the caboose.
"On the count of three! Ready ladies?" I glanced around the table, seeing all our drinks lined up in front of us making some weird cross on the table of alcohol, I picked up the first shot, "Down the hatch, cheers to getting completely blitzed and singing bad karaoke, and to just an overall fuckawesome night out with the girlies!" With that, I raised my glass and tossed back the first shot of the night, Angela, Rose and Alice following within seconds of each of us putting our glass down. Back to me, I tossed back another shot. Watching my friends around the table, we downed all our drinks and just sat there staring at each other for a few seconds. Suddenly Alice burst out laughing, of course we all turned to her to see the source of her amusement.
"Do you guys realize that we just drank pretty much an entire nights worth of alcohol in less than three minutes? You know we aren't going to be able to drive home, no matter how long we stay out, right?"
Shit, of course Ali would be the one to bring this up. "Well, I guess we're gonna have to call a cab when it's time to call it a night, huh?" We all couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of what Ali had just pointed out to us. She was right. Weeknight be damned, we really did just drink an entire nights worth of alcohol in basically five minutes. Damn Alice and her insatiable flirty-ness. Before I could comprehend what was happening, Alice was off with the tray heading back to the damned bar. Of course she's going to be the one to kill us. I was sure that with the drinks we had just had, that it was only a matter of minutes before the drinks hit us full force. No doubt about it, we were all going to be staggering idiots in the span of twenty minutes. Well thank the universe for small favors, it seems that Rose had forgotten all about the impending inquisition. With any luck, she'd be blitzed before too much longer and it wouldn't get brought up at all.
I grabbed the song listing off the table and started looking over it. I figured I might as well figure out what songs I knew the words to while I was still coherent enough to think about their difficulty. I was glancing around the bar trying to keep tabs on Alice since she couldn't be trusted not to bring back half the damn bottles from behind the bar, all in the name of flirting. That's when I saw him walk in. Well there goes my fun night.