I got bored, so time for another random oneshot :P
Title: Star Warrior's Snack
Rating: T
Main Character: Kirby, Peach, Luigi, Pit, Zelda
Pairings: None
Summary: After a small snack for a certain puffball, Peach, Luigi, Pit, and Zelda decide to put an end to Kirby's reign of terror! Can they succeed? Most likely not...
Warnings: Contains a huge amount of awkward silence and mild language
"POYO!!" The too-familiar puffball shouted, barging into the kitchen. Peach, Pit, Zelda, and Luigi, who were all volunteering to cook dinner that night, immediately looked at where the voice came from.
Unfortunately, the chefs and cheftresses (or whatever you call female chefs) had prepared Kirby's favorites... Which is basically anything that doesn't eat him first. And Kirby was very hungry today. Very, very, very hungry...
Luigi jumped about a foot backwards. "Quick-a! Run!!" He yelled, as he pounced towards a table, knocking it over, making it the perfect shield against the puffball of doom. Pit flew out of a window, while Zelda took refuge in the refrigerator (Bad idea), while Peach grabbed her frying pan of DOOM and pointed it towards the pink marshmallow.
"Stay back, Kirby!" She threatened.
Kirby only sucked the frying pan up. "POYO!!"
Peach immediately took refuge in a convinient cabinet, as Kirby started to eat the cake...
3 minutes later...
"... Is it-a safe?" Luigi asked from his hiding place.
"I think so." Peach replied. She opened up her cabinet door, to see everything gone.
The turkey...
The cake...
The oven...
Everything...
The only things left in the kitchen were the cabinet Peach hid in, Luigi's table, and the 60 thousand pound refrigerator, that was empty (minus a certain princess in there).
Peach took her crown and threw it to the ground in her rage.
"That DOES it! I'm sick of that little demon always eating all of the food! We have got to do something!" She shouted.
Pit flew back into the room. However, Kirby somehow ate the windows, so it just left him to crash into the brick foundation of the mansion. So he had to walk through the front door.
"I second that!"
"Third-a!"
Silence passed.
And more silence...
Luigi started twiddle his thumbs as more awkward silence passed.
Even more silence...
Until Zelda finally opened up the refrigerator door, letting the cold air rush into the room. Icicles started hanging from her chin and ears. Her shivering body was notably bluer.
"M-m-me f-four-th-th." She managed to say.
"It's settled then." Peach announced. "KIRBY'S LOVE OF FOOD WILL BE BROKEN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!"
"Besides marrying Mario." Pit interrupted.
"THAT TOO!"
The next day...
"You're what?" Link asked, confused.
Pit sighed. He had been explaining the whole thing to Link for the past 5 minutes.
"I told you. Me, Peach, Luigi, and Zelda are going to try and break Kirby's love of food." He said again.
"Well this whole thing wouldn't have started if you didn't go and volunteer as a chef." Link replied. "It's bad enough that you wear a man skirt, but it's worse when you wear an apron."
"Look who's talking! You wear a dress!" Pit replied.
Link clenched his fists. "One: It's a tunic. Two: The chances you guys breaking Kirby's addiction is as slim as the chances that the author is gonna stop obsessing over Zelink."
Awkward silence passed... Again...
"... Maybe I shouldn't have broken the fourth wall." Link muttered.
Suddenly, the door opened, revealing Luigi dressed up like Fire Luigi. "Time-a to go, Pit!"
"Alright. Wish me luck." Pit said.
"Luck." Link replied.
And they left.
With the others...
Peach and Zelda waited in one of the many halls. For some reason, Ganondorf, who was in a pink bunny costume, gagged and tied up was next to them. On a large dish surrounded by lettuce.
"Where are they?" Peach grumbled.
"Be patient, Peach." Zelda replied.
"Mmph!!! MMPH!!!" Ganondorftriedscreaming. However, the huge apple inside his mouth prevented him from speaking. Zelda put down the bottle of seasoning she had in her hand, took off her glove, and 'gentleman' slapped him.
"Silence!" She yelled like a slavekeeper.
Luigi and Pit arrived.
"Okay-a! All set?" Luigi asked. Peach nodded.
"Now it's time bring out the bait!" She said.
"MMPH, MMPH?!"
Peach took her frying pan OF DOOM from hammerspace, and...
BONK!
...wacked Ganondorf in the head. Hard. It knocked him out.
Pit reached into his toga pocket and pulled out a bottle of seasoning. "Quick! To Kirby's room!"
Luigi and Pit grabbed the huge dish of Geurdo and lifted it, as they followed the princesses to the puffball's room.
Later...
Luigi fired a few more fireballs at the half-dead Geurdo, tenderizing him. The 4 were in front of Kirby and (you guessed it!) Yoshi's room. Zelda was also sending Din's Fire to help Luigi fry the Geurdo King while Peach started to pour spices onto the delicious pork byproduct.
"Okay, he's all done." Zelda announced, finally ceasing her fiery enchantments. Luigi stopped as well. The aroma of bacon filled the air.
"Let's go!" Peach said. The four left the fried Ganonpork in front of Kirby's door (not before Zelda stabbed a toothpick with an olive into Ganondorf). As soon as they were out of sight, Pit and Luigi pulled out butterfly nets from hammer space.
However, instead of Kirby appearing from the door, Yoshi walked out. Yoshi's eyes bulged out commically as he stared at the delectable feast in front of him. Music started to play in the background as Yoshi stared dreamily at the delicious, succulent dish in front of him. It continued until Samus is heard about a few rooms down yelling, "TURN OFF THAT BOOMBOX, FALCON!!"
Yoshi tackled the Geurdo with a war cry, as he gulped the King of Evil up in one bite!
Some King of Evil...
Luigi and Pit suddenly came from the hallways and captured the somewhat bloated Yoshi in their nets. Then they realized who they just tackled.
"Whoops..." Pit said.
"Yosh, yoshi!" Yoshi shouted angrily.
Ganondorf, who was inside the Yoshi, somehow alive, shouted, "Less talking, more liposuctioning."
Zelda and Peach then walked into the scene.
"Wrong animal..." Peach muttered bitterly.
Zelda looked at Yoshi's large belly, then at Peach. "Can we keep him in there?" She asked with a smile.
Peach shrugged and looked at the other two. Luigi, Pit, and Yoshi all gave each other uneasy glances.
More awkward silence passed. AGAIN.
"... Sure." Pit finally said.
"WHAT?!" Ganondorf yelled. "CURSE YOU PIT!! CURSE YOU YOSHI!!!! CURSE YOU SAGES!!"
"But how about Plan B?" Pit asked, ignoring Ganondorf's rather random outburst.
Peach laughed evily as she lifted up a huge chicken suit and an anvil from hammerspace. How she lifted an anvil with only one arm, no one knows.
Later AGAIN...
Zelda is seen, in the huge chicken costume, with a huge scowl on her face, sitting down in the backyard of the mansion. Behind one of the many oak trees, Pit and Luigi were laughing; hard.
"I hate Plan B." Zelda muttered bitterly.
Peach's head popped out from a tree top. "Oh, you'll be doing Plan B if it's your last breath!!" She threatened. Several hairs popped out of place, as a result of working too hard on trying to kill the puffball of DOOM.
"She's lost it." Pit muttered. Luigi nodded.
"Kirby comes to pick apples every day at 3:50," Peach said to herself. "As soon as he sees the bait, he will attempt to eat it, and that is when, we capture him!"
And so, she slipped back into the fountain, as MORE awkward silence flowed between the angel, plumber, princess, and Hylian in a chicken costume. After about a minute, Wario just happened to look outside, to see Zelda in a chicken suit. He made a whistle and jumped from out the window.
Then he realized he can't fly.
"AHH!!!!"
SPLAT!!
Wario got up from the Wario-shaped crater and dashed towards Zelda.
"Ahh!!" Zelda tried running away, but due to the bulky costume, she fell down in the first 2 steps. As soon as Wario got close enough, he ate Zelda-the-princess-in-a-ridiculous-chicken-costume in a single bite. "I hate being digested!!" She yelled from Wario's gut.
Wario burped loudly and patted his normal-looking stomach (He was a pig anyway).
"Is this a wheelchair in here?!" Zelda yelled.
At that moment, Wario was hit in his butt by a sleep dart from one of the mansion windows.
"OW! I've just hit in the butt by a sleep dart! I'm losing all consciousness!" And Wario fell to the ground, knocked out completely. Zelda slipped out of his mouth, covered in spit, and for some reason no longer in her chicken costume, but in her regal dress.
Before anyone was able to say anything, a familiar voice belonging to a certain Hero Of Time yelled out, "Don't say I never did anything for ya, Zelda!"
Peach stared from her hiding spot. "... Plan C..."
Plan C... (It's never gonna work, now is it?)
"I'm telling you, this is never gonna work, Peach! Just give up!" Pit said. They now were building a Medieval catapult in the Smashville park. The catapult was nearly complete, all they needed was ammo.
Peach stared at Pit with blood-shot murderous eyes and crazied hair. "THIS WILL WORK, OR YOUR WINGS GO BYE BYE!"
Pit gulped nervously as he protectivly grabbed the wings protectivly.
An exhausted Luigi carried a large, heavy, painful rock towards the catapult. "I hate-a being the second-a banana! Mario never-needed to do-a any of-a this!"
As soon as Luigi got close enough, he dropped the rock onto the ground. Well, accidentally on his foot.
"YEEEEOOOW!!!!!!"
It was heard all the way in Altea...
It was heard all the way in Hyrule...
It was heard all the way in the Mushroom Kingdom...
It was heard all the way in Dreamland...
It was heard all the way in Lylat System...
It was heard all the way in 'Thisisacrackficistan,' and accidentally caused a civil war...
The other three just stared at Luigi's piercing scream.
At that moment, a random newspaper smacked Zelda in the face. She grabbed the newspaper and read the headline.
"War Started in 'Thisisacrackficistan' by Scream?" She read the headline. "Those are some powerful lungs Luigi. Where'd you learn to scream like that?"
Luigi jumped a bit, holding his foot in pain. He hopped towards a pond, and dipped his foot into the cold water. "Ahh... Well, back in my game 'Luigi's Mansion,' almost all of my dialog was-a screaming. It's actually very good-a excersize for-a your lungs."
EVEN MORE awkward silence passed...
"... So, is Kirby here-a yet?" Luigi broke the silence.
"Not yet..." Pit said, turning to his left to see a pink puffball, whose back was turned to examine some fruit in a fruit stand. "There he is! Launch the catapult!"
Luigi strained as he lifted up the large, heavy, painful rock and into the catapult.
"FIRE!!" Peach screamed, as she pulled the lever. The rock was flung into the air near the pink puffball.
BAM!
It hit the puffball of doom!!
...
Only that is was Jigglypuff.
"JIGGLYPUFF!!!"
In complete rage, the Jigglypuff puffed up to about 100 times her normal size.
"JIGGLYPUFF!"
She raised her foot over the four tiny people.
"... Ahh crap-a." Luigi moaned.
One SQUEESH, and hospital trip later... (To the hospital we go, YAAAAYY!!!)
The four antagonists were are now in the clinic of the Smash Mansion. Peach was in an arm cast in leg cast and multiple bandages all over her body. Pit's wings were dented heavily, also with many bandages on him. He also had a larger bandage around his forhead because of head trauma. Similar to Pit's problem of head trauma, Zelda had a large bandage on her head, and was in a coma (most likely because of the pressure of her hard-as-a-rock-crown against her head from the Jiggly rampage). Luigi had arm casts and a neck brace, with minor injuries all over. He also had a black eye.
"I knew Plan C would fail!" Pit complained.
Link happened to be in the clinic at the time (Toon Link had gotten a cold earlier and he's just checking up), walked into Pit's room. "So how'd it go?"
"Well," Pit began. "So far, Yoshi ate Ganondorf, Yoshi became constipated, Zelda was forced to dress up in a chicken costume, you knocked out Wario buy shooting him in the ass with a blow-dart, Luigi caused a war in 'Thisisacrackficistan' with a scream, Peach has officially lost all insanity, Jigglypuff crushed us, Zelda got knocked into a coma, and now I am really sad."
"I told you being a chef would only bring trouble." Link said in an 'matter-of-factly' manner. "That and wearing a man-skirt."
"It's not my fault! Blame Peach! She was the one who dragged me, Zelda, and Luigi into this!" Pit complained.
"And got you all squished by the world's biggest pink ass."
"Ugh. One day I'm going to learn how not to talk to you, Link."
"Right..." Link said sarcastically. "Might as well give up now. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. The chances of you breaking up Kirby and his food are as slim as the chances this author is going to stop obessessing over Zelink. Well, see ya."
And the swordsman left (and broke the fourth wall AGAIN), letting the room fall into...
AWKWARD SILENCE
"We've got to stop letting everything fall into awkward silence." Pit grumbled.
1 week later...
"I don't care Peach! I'm not getting involved!" Pit shouted.
He and Peach were arguing in the lobby. Peach grabbed a large pair of scissors (from the wonderful hammerspace) and snapped them threateningly at Pit. Pit took a step back, before grabbing his bow, and disarming Peach.
"OH YOU'LL BE HELPING ME, WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT!!" She shouted in either an angry-god's voice or in like the lead singer in a death-metal group.
Pit glared her right in the eyes. "This isn't worth it Peach! Look, Zelda's still in her coma, Luigi's become emotionally distressed for life, and Link is as mad as hell at you! Count us out, we're not going to be helping you! NEVER!"
Peach looked down, ashamed. She had caused so much destruction the past week, and nearly killed her friends three times...
Suddenly, she looked up, with a grin on her face. "You're right, Pit. You're not going to be helping me..."
"Wait, what?"
The next day
"I guess everything worked out okay... sort of." Pit exclaimed, as he made his way down to dining hall. His friend, Ike, was walking with him as well.
"Really? Isn't Zelda still sleeping and Luigi still emotionally insane?" Ike questioned.
Pit nodded. "But, Peach isn't bugging us anymore."
"Really? She stopped hunting Kirby?" Ike asked.
"No." Pit replied.
"So what is she doing now?"
At that moment, Peach dashed right past the two, dragging Marth, Samus, and Pikachu across the ground, most likely using them for her next plan.
"SOMEONE HELP US!!"
"QUIT PULLING MY PONYTAIL!!"
"PIKA-PIKA!!"
"WE WILL DESTROY THAT PUFFBALL IF IT'S MY DYING BREATH!!!"
Pit and Ike laughed as they continued their walk to the dining hall. Peach ran off with the other three prisoners, letting the hall fall into...
AWKWARD SILENCE!!!!
The End...
"PIKACHU!!!"
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