Chronicles of Dementia…
Based in the temporary (Or maybe not so temporary at all…) insanity of three girls stuck in a cold room in New Years Eve… (15 minutes to 2003…)
Chronicle Numero Uno…
Draco Malfoy comes into Three Broomsticks and sits next to Lupin who happens to be with a great big black dog by his side...*cough*Sirius*cough*
He looks at it suspiciously and frowns.
"Does your dog bite???" he asked Lupin abruptly.
"Nope." Lupin said, "It's as gentle as a lamb."
Draco leans forward to pat the dog, when it suddenly jumped and nearly bit his arm off.
"OI!!! You said your dog doesn't bite!!!" Draco screamed angrily, kicking the dog away.
"No," Lupin chuckled. "But that dog isn't mine."
A/N : hey! Look at the time... it's officially 2003! HAPPY NEW YEAR! says Meethzoonk, Quince and annonymouse!
Chronicle Numero Dos…
The Weasleys are a Catholic family. The Parkinsons are faithful Protestants. Ron Weasley and Pansy Parkinson loves each other very much (?) but neither of the family gave their blessings for marriage. Ron, in desperation, runs to the nearest church and begs to Father Snape *cough*cough*,
"Oh, Father Severus Snape - as much as I hate you… I love Pansy Parkinson, but my family would not give their blessings for us... what should I do?" he wailed.
Father Severus Snape, being a very faithful Catholic priest, of course, could not give his consent. He then suggested, "Mister Weasley, I would advise you to not trust me and advise you to pray instead to the Holy Virgin..."
Ron nodded, crawls to the altar, and prayed.
"Oh, Holy Mary … I love Pansy Parkinson, with all my heart. But neither of our families would give their blessings... can I still marry her?" he wailed.
Ron was so deep in his prayers, he did not see Father Snape sneak behind the statue of Jesus Christ and bellowed in what seemed to be a deep voice, "No."
"Shut up, God" Ron said, "I'm talking to yer mother."
"50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!" 'Jesus' boomed.
Chronicle Numero Tres…
It was in the wee hours of early morning when the twin son and daughter of Lily and James Potter was born into the world. Lily was tired. James was still in utter ecstasy that he could not think. But they still have to face one problem: the name registration office.
"Sirius," called James. "You are like my brother. No, you are my brother. This is your nephew and niece we're talking. Please, would you run up to the name registration office and write their names down for me and Lily?"
"Sure!" Sirius nodded excitedly, "But what are their names?"
"Surely, you'll think of one." James replied.
Sirius then staggers up to the name registration office confusedly and calls the woman sitting in the registration desk, "Hey you."
The woman looked at Sirius with annoyance, "What?" she snapped.
"I want to register some names for my ... er, brother's twin children. A boy and girl twin."
"And your brother's name is..?"
"Potter" said Sirius seriously.
"Potter, yes, and what are the children's name?"
"Ehm... for the girl, Denise."
"Nice name, sir. And the boy?"
"Denephew"
(They found out afterwards that James had made a mistake in seeing the wrong cradle, for the twins belong to a couple called the Potties. His son was an only child and was named, of course, Harry Potter...)
A/N: at this point, annonymouse falls asleep, obviously drunkhic...hic... unfortunately, so are we… not to worry... hic…hic… we… continue... story….
Chronicles Numero Quarto…
Once upon a time, about a thousand years ago, there lived four persons: Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff and Salazar Slytherin. The four were good friends and had intentions of building a wizarding school together.
One day, they came upon a Genie In a Wand (?toodrunk?) who said, "Peeps, you have released me. I will tell ya somethin' good..."
"Something good?" drawled Salazar Slytherin in a greedy kind of voice.
"Yepper depper, somethin' good!" the oh-so-fabulous Genie pointed to a beautiful rainbow beyond the horizon, "See that rainbow? It's magical. If you slide down that rainbow screaming 'Gold!' you will land in a pile of gold. If you slide down that rainbow screaming 'Rubies!' you will land in a pile of rubies. Now, go slide."
And he disappeared.
The four looked at each other and then decided to test if the story was true. They walked beyond the horizon and climbed to the top of the rainbow (?reallydrunk?). The rainbow certainly looked like a giant slippery dip. Salazar, who had not played on one in his entire life, was most happy to climb it. (?extremelydrunk?)
Godric Gryffindor was the first one to slide down screaming, "GOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLDDDD!!!!" and he landed on a pile of gold.
Rowena Ravenclaw was second to slide down, and she screamed, "RUUUUUUUUUBBBBIIIIIESSSSSS!!!!" and most certainly, she landed on a pile of rubies.
Helga Hufflepuff was third, and she slid down screaming, "FFFFOOOOOODDDDD!!" and she landed in front of the supermarket. (?greatbigdrunkenhiccups?)
Salazar Slytherin was last, but he was most excited. In fact, he was so excited, when he slid down, he screamed, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" and guess what he landed on.
(Later, out of shame, he built the chamber of secrets where he was forced to hide for about ten years to get rid of the smell which was like a ton of decomposing garbage and urine.)
Chronicle Numero Cinco…
One fine day, Hagrid was seen walking his Hypogriff in Diagon Alley. Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, who was on his way to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, saw the man walking with the beast at his side and immediately yelled,
"Hagrid!? What do you think you're doing??"
Hagrid smiled down at him and replied, "Howdy, Minister. I'm takin' Beaky fer a walk, o' course!"
"A walk!?" Cornelius yelled, "We don't take beasts for a walk in Diagon Alley!! We take them to the Wizard Zoo!!"
Hagrid nodded and promised Cornelius that he would bring Beaky to the zoo. But the next day, he was seen again in Diagon Alley - with his Hippogriff.
Cornelius Fudge marched up to him furiously, "Hagrid! What's that thing doing here!? I thought I told you to take him to the zoo!" he yelled.
"I did, sir." said Hagrid, "An' he loved it! So today I'm takin' him to the Park!"
(Ca-ching! Punch line!)
Just a bit of useless info… Cacing means Worm in our language…
A/N: for the last chronicle… read at your own risk... if you are under 17, go fake an ID... hic... I know I did... hic...
Chronicle Numero Sez…
This story happened years and years ago, when Lucius was still an active Death Eater and had to go away from home after his master's loss of powers…
5-year-old Draco Malfoy tiptoed outside his room. It was night time. He was scared. He wanted mummy. Now, mummy, where could she be? Draco tiptoed some more and opened the door to mummy's room, just a creak. But a creak was enough, because what he saw made his eyes go wide.
There she was. Narcissa Malfoy. Draco's mummy. Topless. In front of the mirror and rubbing her'self', moaning, "I want a man... I want a man..."
Draco stood there in shock, then tiptoed back to his room and slept.
The next night, Draco was also feeling scared. So he tiptoed again to mummy's room and creaked her door open. But there she was again, in front of the mirror. Topless. Rubbing her'self', moaning, "I want a man... I want a man..."
Draco stood there in shock, but made himself sure to tiptoe back to his room and go back to bed.
The third night, Draco woke up again, feeling scared. He tiptoed to mummy's room again and found her not in front of the mirror, but in bed - with a man.
Draco goggled in shock. He tore back to his room, ripped his top off, stood in front of the mirror and rubbed his bare chest, saying, "I want a broom... I want a broom..."
DISCLAIMER: we disclaim! We do not own any of the HP characters or anything that has to do with it and these jokes mostly came from some aussie joke book meethzoonk looked up sometime ago… forgot whats-it-name. nevermind!
Chronicles of Dementia... for the demented, crazy, insane, funny people like us (harharhar!!)
So, if you enjoyed, REVIEW! If you didn't enjoy, still REVIEW! Whatever you say, REVIEW!
Annonymouse would also like to add that she was fast asleep when chronicles 3 and onwards were written, therefor not responsible for the weird stories that are written by Quince and Meethzoonk. Annonymouse would also like to add that indeed Quince and Meethzoonk were high… on coffee!!!?!
Meethzoonks says "I'm on a high… on a high…" and annonymouse rubs her brutally runny nose (too drunk) and Quince snores extremely loud, so … beware of the mysterious snoring sounds that follows you after you read this fanfic
ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ
*Quince starts to shout in her sleep* THE BED IS MINEEE!!!!!! AAAAAALLLLLLL minneeeeeeee!!!! My preciousss….
The looneys quizoony