Hi guys! I'm Feeding-The-Wolves (not a Twilight reference, by the way), and this is my parody of Twilight. I originally published it about two years ago (my pen name was XenaGirl back then) and since then I've been gradually improving it. So now that I'm finally happy with it, I've decided to re-publish it!
This parody makes it pretty obvious that I really don't like Twilight. I'm ashamed to say that I read all the books a few years ago and I loved them for a while, but I absolutely hate them now. So, if you're a huge Twilight fan, this parody might be a little bit insulting to you. Sorry if I offend anyone! I'm also sorry if the format of the story annoys anyone... there's a reason it's like that though. Basically I wanted to show everyone that the entire plot of each Twilight book can be explained in about a page.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, thank God.
BELLA: Hi! I'm Bella Swan! I just moved here from Phoenix! I've been here five minutes, and you're the sexiest guy I've seen, so do you want to get it on?
EDWARD: (nasty glare) Go away. You smell bad.
BELLA: Oh… that's a little bit rude, but since you're really hot, I'll overlook it. Is it okay if I sit next to you?
EDWARD: No! Stay away… but not that far away! Just next to that tree is good.
BELLA: Why are you so grumpy?
EDWARD: Because I am a vampire. Oh… damn, I wasn't meant to tell you that.
BELLA: Wow! That's cool.
EDWARD: Yeah. I sparkle and make windchime noises and shit. I also like to watch you sleep, but not in a creepy way. It's really not that creepy, I just climb in through your window and-
BELLA: I LOVE YOU!
EDWARD: I don't love you… oh, no wait, now I do!
JACOB: Hi, I'm Jacob! Do you remember we used to be great friends when we were little? Do you want to be friends again? We could go to the beach and-
BELLA: Not right now, little boy. My Edward is here! Let's kiss!
EDWARD: Okay… (They kiss, Edward loses control and pushes Bella away, Bella cries, Edward shoves his mouth onto hers to shut her up. Repeat ad nauseum) I have to go and practice being dark and brooding now. Hope you don't mind.
BELLA: Not at all! I'll just stare at your jaw for a few minutes.
EDWARD: Now that I have perfected the art of hating myself and my species, you must meet my family.
CULLENS: HI!
CARLISLE: I'm the sexiest doctor in the universe. Would you like me to check your heartbeat? No? Damn, that never works.
ESME: Hello! I'm Edward's sweet and lovely mother. Thankyou so much for being my son's first girlfriend! We were pretty sure he was gay. Just warning you.
ALICE: I'm tiny and graceful, but just try and beat me in a fight. Hint: you won't.
EMMETT: I snack on grizzly bears. And when I can't get grizzlies, I snack on squirrels. A lot of squirrels.
ROSALIE: I'm extremely beautiful. I would accuse you of staring at my boobs, but you're female. I think. Humans all look the same to me.
JASPER: I'm an adorable Texan with a slight self-control problem. Pleased to eat you… I mean-
BELLA: Wow, you guys are all so welcoming… I hate that.
ALICE: Let's play baseball!
EMMETT: I WIN!
JASPER: But we haven't even started playing!
ALICE: Never mind that now! I just had a vision! Fifty-thousand Romanian gypsies are coming this way! Gypsies, Carlisle! And-
LAURENT: Uh… actually, we're just three vampires.
ALICE: Oh. Well, nobody's perfect.
LAURENT: Hi. I'm not actually evil, just misunderstood. Admit it, I'm kind of sexy.
VICTORIA: I'm so dangerous, I even scare myself sometimes.
JAMES: Mmm, something smells good.
EDWARD: RUN AWAY!
BELLA: Bye! Call me, sexy dreadlocked guy!
JAMES: Hey, yo mama's so dead, she already organized her funeral! Oh, SNAP!
BELLA: Oh, no! I suppose this is where the suspenseful prologue where I sacrifice myself for my mother comes in. Does that mean I still have to do it, or can I bail out?
JAMES: Hey, my plan actually worked! That's… never happened to me before. Now, let's get down to business. Which means I'm going to bite you.
BELLA: Ow! Wait, now I'm going to be undead like Edward! Yay!
JAMES: Hey, that wasn't supposed to make you happy! Damn, I KNEW I should have done some torturing first.
EDWARD: Oh no, my angel is dying! Now, I must rip James apart while brainstorming tragic and painful ways to kill myself… damn you, multi-tasking!
CARLISLE: Wait, don't kill James! He deserves to live, like any-
EMMETT: Uh, I already ripped his head off. Yeah…sorry.
CARLISLE: (Long-suffering but tolerant sigh) Never mind, son. Edward, you have to suck the venom out of Bella!
EDWARD: Aw man… couldn't you do it?
CARLISLE: Good heavens no! I'm a doctor, not a masochist!
EDWARD: Fine… (cue really gross sucking sounds and delighted giggling from Bella)
CARLISLE: Well done, you saved her life… hey, stop making out with her! She's unconscious!
EDWARD: Oh! I couldn't tell the difference. Sorry, Bella.
BELLA: That's okay. I never know whether I'm conscious or not, either. Especially when I see your chiseled jaw, my precious Eddy-Weddy!
VICTORIA: They killed my sweetykins! Time to wreak my revenge! MWAHAHAHA! But I'll conveniently wait a few months so the series can be stretched out into at least two more books.