It's funny what can happen to a person in mourning. Never having a reason up until now, I had no idea what to expect. I thought I would cry for a few days and slowly make my way back into normalcy but that wasn't the case at all. Maybe for some people it worked that way. For the ones who had suffered from loss many times prior. I couldn't tell if I admired their strength or pitied them for such heartache.
Of course I cried and picked one too many fights out of anger, feeling like the universe had spat in my face. But once the tears and blood on my knuckles had dried, the bruises scattered over my skin coming to light,I found myself wandering to my shared tent and instead of returning to my life, I rotted within. I laid in bed, hardly moving and finding no real strength to speak when visitors came to coax me out or provide comforting words. Food was delivered to me and at first I was practically spoon fed with my body slumped forward, arms weak at my sides. As more time passed I was able to feed myself just enough to survive before rolling back onto my side, away from my caretakers.
I didn't want to behave this way, but I couldn't fight it. Upon hearing the news that my father was one of the many to offer up his life so that others could live, I had completely shut down. He was all I had seeing as my mother died while giving birth to me. The guilt for her untimely death was unforgiving and remained in the furthest part of my subconscious, showing its ugly face when I was at my weakest. But he would always catch the tears at the corners of my eyes and tell me, "she died so you could live and she left me the most wonderful gift. I see so much of her in you."
Like she had never left.
The more days that passed, the less variety of visitors. I had a few consistent ones like Jasper, Clarke and Octavia when she wasn't out doing whatever she could to annoy her brother but after awhile, it just became one. The man I shared a tent with. It didn't matter if I saw his freckled face in the morning or at night when he chose to give me space, sleeping on the hard ground rather than at my side, he still popped in throughout the day. It was a routine. He'd come in, acting like he had forgotten something and then later in the day he'd return, tell me about the day I missed and place a kiss on my temple. "I'll be back to tuck you in soon," he'd say before leaving, even though I had barely disturbed the blankets from the previous night. Sometimes, when the world around us had fallen asleep, he would pull my frail body to lay over his lap, fingers running through my dirty hair until my eyes slipped shut.
Today felt different-whatever day it was. My life was becoming one big blur. I was lost and every moment spent in this bed was pushing me deeper and deeper into the unknown. Clarke calls this depression and I think she's right.
I don't remember a time before this.
The moment the flap to the tent opened, I caught a glimpse of his smile, acting like nothing was wrong. "Hey beautiful," he started, hoping to get a reaction out of me. The first time he ever said it to me, I got defensive and may or may not have made a few threats, which he never took seriously. I warmed up to his comments slowly, and even now, as a couple, I still found myself blushing and telling him to "shut up."
"It looks like we'll be getting some rain," he sighed out as he made his way over. It was then that I realized that the tent wasn't glowing with the suns light. It was dark and peaceful. I simply thought night had lasted forever.
"Jasper swears he heard thunder, too. I know how much you love that sound." He then settled himself behind me, hands stroking my hair. "I wish you'd come out to see the storm roll in."
And then the silence came and for the first time since my father died, I felt my heart grow heavy. My grip on the fur blankets tightened. I could feel the familiar burn as my eyes began to water. I knew I needed to live. It was just such a struggle to do so and I doubted I knew how after all of this time spent dead to the world.
But damn, if anyone was going to fight for me, it was going to be him and I felt so unworthy of his wasted time.
I felt the bed shift, his hand now snaked beneath my side, pulling me so that I fell to lay on my back.
Surprised by this action, my chapped lips parted and I spoke for the first time in what felt like months.
"Bellamy," It was barely above a whisper, but due to our closeness, his body hovering above, he was able to hear me. His eyes held so much sadness as he looked down to me. It was like he was slowly breaking. Dirt stained fingers brushes loose strands of hair from my face, before his calloused palm was pressed to my cheek.
With a hard swallow, he spoke, "Say that again." With pursed lips, I fought back the tears, feeling a little overwhelmed by the small amount of progress.
"Please," he pleaded. "Say it again."
"Be-Bellamy-"
With eyes closed, he let out a sigh of relief, leaning down to rest his forehead against my own. My aching fingers wrapped around his wrist, squeezing with all of my might as the tears began to fall.
"I've missed your voice so much."
A few sloppy kisses were placed on my lips before he pulled away, continuing to run a hand over my scalp. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." "He's gone. He's just gone," I rasped. "I never got to thank him. Never got to say goodbye or that I love him. He-he was all I had, Bell. I don't-" He calmly hushed me, thumbs brushing away the tears at the corners of my eyes. "Listen, beautiful, I know this won't make the pain any less. But you have all of us. You have a family. You..have me."
I gave a sniff, dabbing the back of my hand under my nose. "Call me a pessimist, but how long will this last? How long before Jasper takes another spear to the chest? How long until I lose you?" "You're not going to lose me." "You can't promise tha-" He silenced me with a long, hard kiss, refusing to pull back until I had calmed down.
"I'm with you, okay? Always. Don't worry about next week or even tomorrow. Focus on today. Can you do that for me, beautiful?" I gave a hesitant nod, licking my dry lips.
Bellamy couldn't hide his smile then and with one more peck, he whispered the three words I never expected to hear from him. The words I had been thinking, but was far too afraid to ever say them out loud.
"I love you,"
I felt breathless. I felt completely free and revived. The words swept over me, sinking into my skin and pulling the sorrow from my bones.
"I love you too,"