A/N: Because it had to be done.

Warning: Smutttt... and crack. Smut on crack. And ShizUKE

Diclaimer: I don't own Durarara.

A nervous smile made its way to Heiwajima Shizuo's lips as he came to a stop before the other, his restlessness apparent to anyone who happened to walk by. "So... I just wanted to sort of... thank you," he mumbled, averting his eyes and scratching at the back of his neck uncertainly. "We've been through a lot, you know... and you're sort of... you're just the one who's always been there, for better or for worse. You... well, sometimes you infuriate me, but at other times... I don't know. So, yeah... thanks." He let out a dismayed huff; that hadn't come out the way he'd planned it at all.

His embarrassment mounted as the silence stretched between them. Finally, he was sick of it. "Well?" he demanded, eyes flashing as he removed his blue glasses. "Haven't you got anything to say to me?"

He was met by nothing but stony silence.

"I guess not," he sighed. Had his thank-you fallen on deaf ears? "Well... I should be going."

The vending machine stared ahead, unchanging and seemingly unaffected by Shizuo's words.

Something about this just didn't sit right with Shizuo. He felt like... as much as he wanted to leave, to escape this humiliating experience and pretend he'd never said anything at all, he knew that it would come back to haunt him if he left things the way they were. He swallowed the lump in his throat, braced himself, and took an unsteady step forward, opening his arms. The vending machine didn't react to the oncoming Heiwajima; it simply stood, indifferent to his attempts. Not to be discouraged, Shizuo continued his approach.

He was mere inches from the metal machine, and he mustered the most gentle voice that he could before whispering, "I... even if this is the last time we meet... even if you're going to be replaced by a newer model tomorrow, I could never replace you." With that, he wrapped his strong arms around the machine in a sorrowful embrace, leaning his cheek against the breath-fogged glass and closing his eyes, drowning out the staring pedestrians and aware only of the moment he was sharing with his other half.

Finally, he elicited a reaction out of the machine; his efforts were rewarded with a mechanical hum thrumming deep within the object, sounding almost... happy. Suddenly, he heard a 'plunk!' resonating from the area around his knees. His eyes opened in shock, and he looked down to see a coca-cola can rolling slightly in the dispenser. A light blush dusted his cheeks, and he murmured in bewilderment, "Oh! I didn't mean it... like that... but, if that's how you feel, then I..."

He pulled his head back slightly to study the machine. "You... are beautiful, you know," he told it, a smile on his face. And, with that, he began to hump the machine violently without reservations of any kind.

His grunting echoed throughout the street, causing pedestrians and passing cars to slow and watch in a mix of horror and entertainment. The machine rattled and seemed to attack Shizuo even more passionately than he assaulted it, and a sheen of sweat began to form over his body as his blush grew ever deeper. A shudder of arousal passed through him as the machine tilted forward on its short legs, and he brought his lips to the thing, licking and sucking at the filthy glass as though his life depended on it. "Oh, Vendy..." he moaned as his boner grew, his hips grinding forefully against the object. He suddenly released the thing, taking a step back to breathe. "Vendy," he murmured seductively, finally noticing the way the coke can protruded from the opening in the machine. The sight was intensely erotic.

"Let's do it," he whispered. "Fuck me til I can't stand." With that, he took the machine by its side and, using his massive strength, lifted it above him as he turned, lying on the sidewalk and sliding his trousers down to reveal his shiny white ass to the public, and to 'Vendy'. He lowered the machine onto himself, moaning as he felt the cold tip of the coke can prodding at his entrance. "Oh, yeah, Vendy... oh, that's right, oh God..."

His eyes widened, and he groaned at the pain as the can was inserted into him dry. "Oh, Vendy... that's just cruel..."

He immediately rocked back, causing the machine to shudder as it strained at its electrical plug. "Mmm... that feels so good... oh, ngh... ah!" Shizuo's words could hardly be considered coherent; the pleasure he felt was too great for his speech to function properly. It seemed that, besides small whimpers and long, desperate moans, the only thing that Shizuo could say was, over and over, "Vendy, Vendy, Vendy!"

The machine was shuddering rapidly as its cord threatened to come loose from the socket, and Shizuo rocked back faster, sighing and groaning and generally disturbing all present in the area. "Oh, God, yes! Just a little more!"

He felt himself nearing climax, and the muscles in his neck tightened as he strained to look up. Finally, the building heat within became too much, and his balls tightened as he released onto the sidewalk, screaming in pleasure. "Vendy! Oh, God yes!" Simultaneously, the coco-cola can popped open after being shaken so violently and being under so much pressure for so long, filling his rectum with burning liquid.

As the blonde came down from his orgasmic high, he panted and gasped as he slid out from under Vendy, setting the machine upright. "I'll always remember the time we shared, Vendy," he promised. "Every time I threw you at Izaya... every time we had to get you fixed up... and especially this... it's forever."

Suddenly, two police officers appeared, tackling Shizuo. "Sir, public displays of nudity are not condoned in Ikebukuro," one informed the bodyguard, gesturing faintly to Shizou's much-too-low pants. Shizuo sighed.

"Fine, then... but can I at least say goodbye to Vendy?" The police officers simply gave him a weird look before one sighed, shaking his head and cuffing him, the other taking Shizuo by the shoulder and leading him away.

Down at the station, the chief of police noticed the wet spot in Shizuo's newly-re-donned pants. "What's that?" he asked through the cigar in his mouth.

"Oh!" Shizuo exclaimed. "I have some coke in my ass."

And that is how Heiwajima Shizuo was sentenced to six years in prison for drug possession.

A/N: Oh... my God. WTF did I just write XD

Yeah... I dunno. People are always talking about Shizu-chan and vending machines... hrm X'DDD Maybe next time I'll write something with a plot... maybe a Shizaya 1shot? Meh, idk :)

Review the randomness?