Title: Dear Prussia, From Austria
Pairings: Prussia/Austria, implied Russia/China
Rating: PG-14, I would say
Warnings: Sexual references, slight language
Disclaimer: Don't own it.
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Dear Smartass,
Today, of all days, just happens to be Valentine's Day. And I'm sure you know what that means. You expect me to be prissy-old Roddy, the Roddy who does nothing but complain when the car is just about out of gas or the Roddy who color-combos his tennis outfits.
Well, smart little Gilbert, you are wrong.
Because I didn't get you a thing. Not one little nucleolus of space. That's right, what are you gonna do about it? You're sitting here, reading this letter thinking, "I'm so awesome. I'm SO damn awesome. I was outstanding as usual today! Hey, a strand of my hair is looking a little less awesome right now! Oh, there we go! Now it's awesome again."
And, guess what? I don't feel bad about it. That's right, Gilbert. I've stopped caring. So you can just kiss your weird, perverted 'I'm going to take Austria to bed someday' fantasies goodbye, because I just don't care about you anymore.
Yes, Gilbert, I actually read that list of what you wanted for Valentine's Day. And I noticed the first seventeen things on the list of eighteen total were 'Seize your vital regions.' Number eighteen said 'Get me a beer.'
So, I guess you can say there is a reason for me not giving you what you wanted other than me being a pansy-ass, as you would call me. Have you ever considered the fact that I just didn't want to let you seize my vital regions?
They are very vital. Especially to me.
Besides, I don't mean to sound like Francis here, but I've unfortunately heard some of Ludwig and Feliciano's escapades and it sounds rather painful. Or maybe that was pleasure. How in the holy name of Maria Theresa am I supposed to know?
And the other thing; don't you already have enough beer? I mean, seriously, you're Prussia for Frederick's sake. That's all you drink. And of course, when you're wasted and we're on a date, I have to pay the restaurant double in the amount of drinks you bought to make up for you harassing all the customers. The ones you seem to never notice.
Then again, it's still awfully nice of you to take me on a date in the first place.
But that's not the point. The point is, everything on that list you either already had or didn't need. I think you know which one is which.
Anyway, I'm just asking for you to not do anything drastic. Especially to my house. Please don't spray it with graffiti, please don't set it on fire accidently, please don't set it on fire on purpose, and please don't report false criminal reports.
I'm really hoping you won't do that.
Gilbert, you should know that calling the police and telling them Austria is planning to bomb Beijing is really bad, especially since Yao's boyfriend just happens to be Russia. And Ivan didn't really find it as funny as you did.
Anyway.
And please, if you know what's good for you, don't get your brother involved. I can't tell you how many times he's set those blasted dogs to attack me, ruining my hair and destroying my glasses.
And that's another thing! Stop making fun of me because I have glasses. I'll have you know it's perfectly okay to wear glasses. And no, wearing glasses does not make me blind. I just have visual difficulties, that's all.
And while you're at it, could you please stop insulting my clothes? So what if I wear a purple coat all the time, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gay, does it?
…Don't answer that.
And I don't see any problem in wearing a dash of pink now and then. Besides, if you think I have bad fashion taste, I've seen you wear lederhosen!
So take that.
And here's something else you should take in account; you harass my ex-wife every single day. Do you think she enjoys that? What are you two even doing with each other, anyway? You're obviously not cheating on me, I know that. You're not that stupid.
I have a really bad feeling she's teaching you how to seduce me. If that's true, then I suggest you just give up, because whatever she's teaching you is coming from the aspects of her yaoi doujinshis.
And no, we didn't get divorced because I'm gay.
That's only part of the reason.
I'm really surprised you haven't come over to bug me yet. I bet you're still sleeping. Do you even know that today is Valentine's Day? You probably forgot. Typical Gilbert.
Don't take this letter the wrong way. I'm not saying you're a bad boyfriend, I'm just saying you're not a good one. But…we're still dating, and I guess I don't give you enough credit. Although you never deserved much credit in the first place…
But overall, I guess you treat me this way because you care. Which is really hard to imagine, by the way. Whenever I try to imagine you petting a nice, soft puppy, my mind thinks of you, surrounded by a bunch of dead puppies, using one of them as a hat.
Call me evil. It only makes sense. You are rather ill-spirited. I saw you spit on an old person once. And when I called you on it, you claimed that you were aiming for the fountain behind him.
Is it just me, or do I always find my wallet a little emptier whenever I do something with you?
Alright, well this letter is getting a tad long, so I'll end it here. I hope you have a nice Valentine's Day. Please don't be upshet.
Yes, I know I spelled that wrong. I'm writing this in ink and my cellular phone went off, it scared me. Yeah yeah, call me a pansy. Who on earth would be…oh hey, it's you! You're calling me! Oh, I'll let the voicemail get it.
Oh, you left me a voicemail. Hmm, let's see, what do I press…? Oh, I see now.
Oh! Oh? Y-you want to take me on a romantic dinner date for Valentine's Day? Oh…that's awfully nice of you…ah, l-let me call you back, okay!?
Ah, alright, I just got off the phone with you. So, uh, I'll see you at eight.
Oh, by the way, you hung up too fast for me to say it, but…
Love you too.
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Fff. Yum. Fluff. It's delicious.
Austria is definitely my favorite character, since most of my ancestors/current family members came from Austria and other Germanic regions(yes, Prussia too. Although that was way back, Austria is most recent.)
So indeed, I cherish my inner Austrian.
Prussia/Austria is definitely my OTP. Srsly.