I storm through the upstairs hallway, not caring who or what I knock into on my way. I hear faint sounds of people I've just bothered, but I don't turn back to apologize. My destination is straight ahead, the dark blue door at the end of the hall. Here at the safehouse, this room has been where Rowan and I have stayed together, been together, explored each other. Here was where I felt I could finally trust a person fully after all the years of pain I've faced, just so I can return to this room with anger steaming in me. I'm royally pissed. At Rowan.
The door slams into the wall when I throw it open. "Rowan!" I yell at him. He's standing by the desk instead of sitting in the chair, looking over some maps and papers. "How could you?" I strain myself, holding back tears the best I can, to stay strong and not let my weaknesses slip through. I can't let him know how much he's surprised and thrown me...how much he's hurt me. I have to make this cynical, about the mission. Then we can fix this and things can go back to the way they were only a few hours ago when I knew nothing about what he's done.
His green eyes soften and he runs his fingers back through his hair. He sighs and takes a seat in the desk chair, obviously preparing to give me bad news. He gestures towards the armchair across the desk, adjacent to the fireplace, wanting me to sit down, too. But I refuse; I cross my arms and stand tall and firmly in place.
"I only did it to help you," Rowan sighs as he admits this. I didn't expect him to lie or try to cover it, but Aedion having been the one to tell me about his betrayal, Aedion who treats Rowan like a brother in arms and in spirit, I knew how bad this really was. "I thought you'd understand. I love you, Aelin, and I'm going to protect you at all costs. It's simple instincts for me."
His voice is steady and smooth, like he'd been up here waiting for me to accuse him. Like he'd planned out every word he was going to say to me, to try to win me over. "You know that's not what this was about. Whether you love me or not, I am the Queen of Terrasen and there are duties that come with that job! Yes, there is some risk, but I'm a trained assassin with Fae magic, and Aedion was coming right along with me." I pause, trying to slow down. My words are coming out too jumbled and emotional. "This wasn't your call."
Rowan stands up so quickly that the desk chair falls over behind him. His height towers over me and makes me feel small and insignificant. He places each of his hands on my shoulders, as if to calm me down. "I had to do it, Aelin. Do you know how dangerous the Wastes are? Just because Manon paid back her debt to you doesn't mean she'd be willing to switch sides for you."
"Exactly, Rowan! We don't know - which is why Aedion and I and a hundred soldiers were going to negotiate with her. What else do we have? How else are we supposed to counter the Duke's army that's growing every day?!"
"I wasn't going to take that chance. They're more powerful than all of us - hell, one of them is more powerful than us. If you rubbed even one of them the wrong way, you'd be dead."
"So you don't trust me to make the negotiation responsibly? I know I can be rude, Rowan, but I wouldn't be that ignorant. I'm your Queen and you don't trust me?"
"Gods, Aelin, of course I trust you. That's not what this is about."
I can't help it and a few tears fall from my eyes. I push his hands off of me and go to leave the room. I need some air, some time to process this all. How could he have meddled with these plans that we'd all been working on for weeks now? Manon and her Blackbeak clan were so reluctant to meet with us, that now we've lost that chance entirely. This war has been so stressful for me, and now Rowan who I am supposed to be able to trust with my life, has betrayed me.
Right as I go to leave the room, Rowan speaks up, "I'd do it again, you know. I could never lose you and I'd never let you take that risk."
That does it. The tears start falling faster and faster, and I cover my face with my hands to try and mask my crying. I run back down the stairs and into the storage cellar where Elide is helping a girl get towels for something.
Elide comes to me immediately, letting her towels fall into the arms of the other girl. "What's happened, Aelin? I thought you and Aedion and the others were heading out to the Wastes today?"
I wipe the wetness from my face and attempt to pull myself together. I breathe in deeply before responding. "There was...a change of plans."
"So you're not going?"
I shake my head. "I need some time and space to...to figure things out…" I had hoped the cellar would have been empty, as the safehouse's residents usually preside in the common room upstairs, but unfortunately I've been proven wrong. I need some privacy, but where? There must be a handful of people in every room in this damn house. I can't even go to my own room!
Elide looks seriously worried. "You can't leave the safehouse, Aelin. You know that, right? Where would you even go? Terrasen and Adarlan both are in war torn states…"
A place comes to mind where I know I'll be safe. A place far enough from here that I can get a little breathing room. I exit the cellar without answering Elide. It doesn't matter if she knows where I'm headed. I'll tell Aedion but then I'm out of here.
Rowan betrayed me. Chaol abandoned me. But Dorian...I smile at the thought of him. It's been too long since I've paid him a visit.