All television shows and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
This is my first fic for this fandom, and I must take this opportunity to say that Swan Queen fans are among the most fervent, creative and literate I've ever encountered. The top-tier fiction writers are simply amazing. Please keep doing what you do. Believe it: SQ is endgame. Nothing else makes sense.
Christmas Fluff! This is definitely going to remain a one-shot, for the BeatThe0dds Tumblr Christmas fic exchange. Established, post-curse Swan Queen and visits from characters well-known in holiday pop culture. I'm not aware of any overt spoilers, though there is a general expectation of knowledge of who some Storybrooke characters' fairytale land counterparts are. There'll be a little SQ light smooching, ogling, some cuddling, and some very tame hinting at other fun things to do without clothes on, but nothing more "M"ature than that, so this is rated "T"een. I am not opposed to writing smut, but it really doesn't fit here and I am up against a deadline. Good work takes time. Great work takes more.
Errors, in canon and in grammar, are the exclusive property of your humble author. English is my native tongue so I have no excuses other than poor editing skills.
Oh, and Santa, if you're listening, all I really want for Christmas is Regina Mills under the tree. She can be wrapped, if that's easier, preferably in one of the Evil Queen's riding outfits. The red velvet coat with the matching hat and the leather pants/boots comes immediately to mind.
Enjoy the holiday season and other fics in this exchange, y'all. -AN
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"No, a little further to the left." Regina waited, with only a little huff of impatience. "Come on, Savior," she baited in her trademark husky voice, "don't you brag about how talented you are with your hands?" Regina cocked an eyebrow, even though Emma couldn't see it.
Emma paused and leaned back a bit to admire her handiwork. Damned if Regina wasn't right. Christmas decorations were something she looked forward to putting up, and even taking down, because it was a family activity. Her childhood, of course, had been sorely lacking in both the family and the activities, so this was something she liked doing together with her wife and their son. Even if Regina groused about it starting right after Thanksgiving, Emma knew she secretly enjoyed the spirit and the visual effect. Henry liked the decorations, even if he was starting to outgrow some of the more child-centered traditions that Emma had introduced from the outside world. She stretched on the ladder to adjust the last piece of fresh evergreen bough more to the left on the small hooks in the wall of the mansion. It smelled good, but the sharp fragrance was pretty strong this close to the source.
Emma turned her head to mock-glare at Regina. "Is that better, your majesty?" She smirked because she knew the placement was fine, even for her perfectionist wife. "And I'll have you know that I am VERY good with my ha-"
Emma sneezed, hard.
The ladder rocked precariously, and the aged, paint-splattered pine gave up the slight remaining hold it had on the hinges in the middle. The ladder collapsed, and Emma went down to the floor with it.
Regina's sassy retort never made it to voice. She dashed over to the pile of ladder and limbs, automatically reaching out to feel for broken bones or sprains. "Emma? Are you alright?"
"I think I broke my ego," came the muffled reply, and Emma groaned a little bit. She'd landed facedown but had cushioned the worst of it with her forearms and legs.
Regina sat on her haunches amid the scattered wood and helped Emma roll into a sitting position. She tucked some blonde hair behind an ear before cupping Emma's cheek. "At least it wasn't your talent." Regina allowed a small smile to curl up the edges of her mouth. "Or a leg. You're lucky the ladder broke your fall." The smile lightened a bit even as Regina frowned slightly. "Are you sure you're alright?"
Emma closed her eyes and took a quick inventory. "Yeah, I'm fine, aside from some bruises on my arms, probably." Emma looked up into her wife's eyes and smiled. "I'll probably need some help later with some splinters that I think I'm sitting in." She winked lasciviously. Regina rolled her eyes and sighed heavily before extending a hand to help Emma stand up from the broken wooden mess on the mansion's marble floor.
Emma dusted off her backside while she grumbled, "Gepetto's gonna catch it from me for that crummy ladder. Some woodworker." Regina grinned at the irony, glad that Emma wasn't hurt, while she enjoyed the the view of Emma's rear in the skinny jeans she favored.
"Perhaps you could return it to him in pieces, dear. That might get the point across," Regina mused as she looked from Emma's backside up at the evergreen boughs. "At least the evergreen boughs are up." Emma looked up at it too, admired how balanced it was. Regina carefully picked her way closer and slid one arm around her wife's waist. She leaned in and whispered against Emma's ear, "For the record, I have to agree that you do have quite a bit of talent in your ... hands."
Emma shivered, delighting in Regina's innate ability to know just what to say, how to touch her. "Good, though you know I don't mind giving a demonstration," she said, as she turned her head to look into Regina's honeyed eyes. "…anytime." Emma leaned closer and kissed Regina, softly. She felt Regina's lips curve up and a warm hand land gently on her chest, over her heart. Regina pulled back after a moment and grinned.
"Come on, Sheriff, there's some kindling littering my floor. It's a safety hazard," Regina said, without the bite her words would have had in the past. She stepped away from the pile of broken ladder pieces and flicked some invisible lint from her black cashmere sweater.
"Aww, come on, Regina, can't this wait until Henry and David get back with the tree?" Emma skirted dangerously close to wheedling. "It'll be good for Henry. Build character… and, and muscles!"
Regina flicked her eyes from the manageable pile of wood back to Emma once, then twice. "Really?"
"Um, you could magic it back to Gepetto's?"
Silence. Eyebrow.
"Okay, okay, I got it." Emma frowned and leaned down to pick up the larger pieces. "I'll, uh, just be carrying this stuff outside then."
"Around the side of the house, dear, so it's out of the way until we can…return it…to its owner. It's quite serendipitous that you're good with your hands, Sheriff. Please take care of them while you're transporting the remains." Regina was already moving toward the front door to open it for Emma.
Emma grunted as she hefted the large pieces. "Why?"
"Because, dear, I have plans for those hands later."
"It'd better not be washing dishes," Emma grumbled under her breath.
"What was that, Sheriff? I didn't quite hear what you said." Regina smirked, knowing full well what Emma had said.
"Ehrm, nothing." Emma made for the front door, which Regina opened.
Both women saw David's ancient pickup truck pull into the drive. Emma walked around to the side of the house, dropped the broken ladder remnants, and hurried back to the front of the house to greet her son and her father.
The next thing Emma knew, she was on her backside in the half-foot of fresh snow beside the walk, and Pongo was standing with two paws on her chest, with his tail wagging happily as he panted.
"Emma! I'm so sorry! Pongo, off!" Dr. Hopper was out of breath from chasing his wily Dalmatian, and eagerly collected Pongo's leash before tugging him the rest of the way off Emma. "I'm so sorry. Are you alright? Can I help you up?"
Emma, for her part, tried not to look too flummoxed from her second fall of the evening and accepted Archie's outstretched gloved hand. "Thanks." She brushed the snow off herself as best she could and looked up just in time to see Regina in full-on angry mode charging the few steps down the walk to confront Dr. Hopper.
"You. Are. Trespassing. With that mutt," she snarled, her breath fogging in the cold night air. "Congratulations, Doctor. Your abundant lack of regard for leash laws and the failure to control your dog has yielded you an assault charge on a town official, which I shall be filing tomorrow." Regina tried to step closer and was winding up for another volley of vitriol. Archie tried not to flinch but looked pale beneath his newsboy cap.
Emma stepped up quickly and backed Regina up a step with a calming hand on her upper arm. "Hey, hey, it's alright," she soothed. "It was an accident. No harm done." Emma smiled.
"It's not an accident when he does this all the time and you have to go collect that—animal—from wherever he gets loose," Regina nearly hissed, sotto voce.
"I know, but it's okay. Better chasing down a friendly dog than armed drug dealers or a bunch of teenage delinquents bent on mayhem." Emma searched Regina's face, looking to make eye contact, and hoped this would defuse her obvious overreaction.
"Hey, guys, we've got a fresh-cut Christmas tree in the back of the truck," David called out effusively as he approached, with Henry beside him reaching out for Pongo. "Hey, Archie, I didn't know you'd be here." He clapped the man on the shoulder in a show of affection before smiling at the small group in general. "Come on, let's get this tree inside!"
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"Idiots," Regina murmured softly into her mug of hot spiced apple cider. Emma, Henry, David and Archie had installed the huge tree into the prepared base and were currently decorating it with lights, ornaments (tacky little things) and something shiny that Emma insistently called tinsel. One of them had tuned the house audio system to Christmas-themed music, and if she had to hear the words "Feliz Navidad" or warbling about chestnuts roasting on an open fire again anytime soon, there was bound to be bloodshed. She had mellowed since Emma had moved into the mansion, but she had limits, and she still wasn't terribly fluent with all these holiday customs observed by the world outside Storybrooke. To add insult to injury, Pongo had settled comfortably on the floor near Regina's feet, as if he belonged there. She'd be having a talk with Emma later on, about when it was, and was not, appropriate to invite guests into their home. It was highly inappropriate, Regina thought, to invite in the man whose dog had just body-slammed you into your own front lawn through six inches of snow. It was beyond the pale to allow the offending beast inside too. Regina, however, had relented, probably entirely too quickly, following Emma's imploring gaze and some sidebar conversation load of hooey about the meaning of the holiday season and forgiveness and the Christmas spirit and whatever. She snorted again into the warmth of her mug, and gave thanks at least that Snow was elsewhere, hopefully taking care of the mayor's job she'd been elected to do. Regina started mentally ticking through the things that Snow's administration was currently doing a fine job of neglecting or botching.
Near the tree, Henry opened the last box of tree decorations. "Hey, Emma, here's the star." He pulled it out and carried it over. "Can I put it on top of the tree?"
"Sure, kid. Oh, wait. Darnit!" Emma winced. "We had a little accident with the ladder earlier and it broke." She looked up, estimated how tall the tree was. "David, this has to be what, at least 12 feet tall?"
David looked up too, and agreed. "Yeah, at least. No way we'll get that up there without a ladder."
"We could take the decorations off, lean it over and put the star on top before we put the decorations back on," Archie suggested helpfully.
Emma looked at him askance. "That'd work, but it's also a lot of time to do it that way." The four of them gazed at the top of the tree, thinking.
The peal of the doorbell interrupted everyone's thoughts.
Regina was the closest. "I'll get it," she said as she set down her cider mug and stood up to walk to the front door. She opened the door to see Snow standing on the porch, with a short man sporting a bushy red beard and wavy mustache, wearing a blue coat and a red knit cap.
"Snow." Regina sighed. The evening had been going so well. "May I help you?"
"Hi, Regina." Snow's irritating and never-ending perkiness practically glowed from her face. "Is Emma home? Sheriff's business."
Emma's ears perked up, and she turned away from the tree to walk toward the open front door. "Hey, Snow. Sheriff's business?"
Snow straightened and said with a smile and clap of her gloved hands, "This gentleman came to the Town Hall this afternoon, and he's looking for something, or someone, very specific." Snow turned to the man and prompted meekly, "Mr. Cornelius?"
The man stepped closer. "The name's Yukon Cornelius, ma'am, and I was told that there's gold in this town. I'm always on the lookout for gold, y'see, and…"
Emma couldn't believe her eyes or ears. At first. Then she remembered who her parents were, and her wife, and Archie, and Ruby, and Dr. Whale, etc.
"Hi, Mister, um, Cornelius. I'm Sheriff Swan and this is Regina." She smiled at Yukon Cornelius and took up the conversation while Regina just stared. "We don't have gold in the house, here, but we do have a Mr. Gold who works in town as a pawnbroker and he might be able to help. We can introduce you to him tomorrow, if you want, since it's kindof late tonight." She paused, then said, "Would you like to come in for some cider and cookies?" Regina tried as subtly as possible to elbow Emma in the ribs for extending the invitation to this unknown backwoods-looking person.
"Well, now, ma'am, that's mighty kind of you to offer." He looked back over his shoulder. "Would you mind if my friends and I camped out here in front of your house tonight?"
"Friends?" Emma and Regina looked at each other, with Regina tightly shaking her head no. Emma looked back at Yukon Cornelius. "Who are your friends?" she asked.
Snow smiled brightly. "Oh, there's a very nice talking reindeer and an elf with what looks like a book of dentistry and a large … um …"
"A Bumble, ma'am. Don't worry, he's harmless since we -"
"Pulled all of his teeth," Emma finished.
"Right! Oho, you know the story, then." Yukon Cornelius twitched his mustache in a smile.
"Yeah," Emma finished weakly. She didn't mind the curves that life threw at her for living in a town full of fairy tale characters, but it sure did keep her on her toes. She waved in Snow and Yukon Cornelius before hazarding a quick glance out the front door. Sure enough, there was a reindeer with a glowing nose and a very blond elf with a jaunty hat, and … the Bumble.
Regina wrapped a hand around Emma's bicep and pulled her close enough to whisper, "What, exactly, pray tell, is a 'Bumble?'"
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"And so I used my ax to make a do-it-yourself iceberg, and we escaped that time." Yukon Cornelius was recounting the story of Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer to the assembled company. Henry's attention was transfixed on the storyteller and his companions, who also had been allowed inside (over Regina's strident objection that Rudolph would be more comfortable at the stables and the Bumble was well-equipped to remain outside).
Emma and Regina were comfortably seated on a loveseat, sharing a mug of cider. Emma periodically nudged Regina to forestall the eyerolls and snarky comments she knew her wife was just dying to release. Emma had briefly explained that their visitors were characters in an animated children's television holiday special from the 1960s, which Regina ably grasped. She was having more trouble with the seemingly nonsensical components of the story.
"Now, the island of misfit toys…" Regina huffed out a sigh and gave Emma a sidelong eyeroll. Emma set the mug down and grabbed Regina's hand to pull her to a standing position.
"Excuse us, please. Kitchen things," Emma explained. She pulled Regina along behind her and heard Yukon Cornelius pick up the thread of his narrative again.
Once they were out of earshot, Emma dropped Regina's hand and turned on her. "What's your problem, Regina?"
"Maybe it's a trifle difficult to grasp the likelihood of these events actually occurring as Mr. Cornelius is imparting," she drawled. She did so love getting Emma's dander up. "Really, animated, living toys exiled to an island? A Charlie-in-the-box?"
Emma raked a hand through her hair. "This, coming from the woman who cursed an entire realm after her poisoned apple failed to kill Snow White?"
Regina flicked up an eyebrow and tilted her head. "Not to put too fine a point on it, but the apple was cursed, not poisoned." She studied the manicure on her left hand and shook her head meaningfully. "Walt Disney got so many things wrong."
"NOT the point!"
"What is the point, my dear?" Regina asked softly, looking up.
Emma's pique deflated a little. She turned Regina toward the tree, just a few feet away. "Can you just give it a chance? Henry's enjoying it, and even though it's hard to suspend the cynicism, it's a cute story."
Regina snorted, even as she stepped into Emma and rested her head on Emma's shoulder with arms snaked loosely around her hips. "I don't know that the reindeer and the elf would agree. They were mercilessly bullied or punished for being different," Regina countered petulantly. "The reindeer was rejected by his own father and this Santa Claus. He was practically banished from their community. The elf chose to run away into a frozen wasteland rather than try to fit in." She sighed. "That abominable snow-creature was permanently dentally altered without his consent and has to take his meals through a straw. The Bug is absolutely beside himself fidgeting with wanting to jump in and help them with their issues, I'm sure. "
"It IS a children's story…"
Regina uttered a "hmph" and continued, "All the more reason to sanitize it so that children don't believe that those bullying or violent behaviors are acceptable or appropriate. They're too immature to be expected to appreciate the value of self-reliance."
Emma reached up and tapped the end of Regina's nose. "I know someone who's going soft in her middle age."
Regina tensed slightly. "Age has nothing to do with it. I don't know if I want our son exposed to these things."
Emma nuzzled into Regina's temple, spoke softly into her hair. "I love it when you go all Mama Grizzly."
Regina closed her eyes rather than responding and savored the warmth of the intimacy with Emma.
Emma spoke softly. "His grandfathers are Prince Charming and Rumplestiltskin, and he's grown up with fairy-tale characters. I think he can handle the Rudolph story...even the less desirable parts."
Regina sighed, knowing that Emma's argument was sound. After everything Henry had seen and done as her son, as their son, this was probably nothing.
"Fine. But you're letting me talk this out with you after Henry goes to bed tonight." Regina's eyes glittered at the prospect of a spirited discussion with Emma...perhaps after more pleasurable pursuits were completed.
"My ears are all yours later on, your majesty." Emma smirked. "And the other parts too."
Regina stepped away, all dignity, though her eyes still held a twinkle. "I would hope so, Sheriff," she said dryly. She took Emma's left hand and laced their fingers together, relishing the warm solidity of Emma's wedding ring against her own skin. "Now, shall we return to our guests?"
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"And that was the first year I got to lead Santa's sleigh!" Rudolph finished the tale with a flourish, his nose lighting up brightly.
"Awesome," Henry said from his spot on the floor where he had a hand working through a sleepy Pongo's fur. "Hey mom?"
"Yes, Henry?" Regina responded.
"Do you think the Rudolph story is on Netflix or Hulu Plus?"
Regina looked at Emma, who jumped in. "I don't know, kid, but we can check on it tomorrow. It's getting late and your bedtime was like an hour ago."
"Emma, come on. It's not every day we get to meet a living, breathing character from a TV special."
The adults in the room smothered their smiles.
"Kid, you do know where you live, right?" Emma smirked as she stood up. "C'mon, Henry, it's time for bed. Say goodnight to everyone."
Henry reluctantly stood and began his goodnights while Regina also stood.
"Hey," Emma said toward Regina, beckoning her away from the assembled people.
"Sheriff?"
"Someday you're going to stop calling me that when I'm off duty."
"This is a very small town. You're never really off duty."
Emma shook it off and decided to save the discussion for another time. "What do we want to do with Yukon Cornelius and Hermey?" At Regina's blank look, she added, "You know, the elf."
"They want to camp in the front yard. I suppose that's satisfactory."
"Regina." Emma tilted her head and put her hands on her hips.
"What? It's not as if they aren't accustomed to cold temperatures. That man is allegedly 'the greatest prospector in the North.' I'm sure they've slept outdoors in weather colder than this."
"I think we should offer to let them stay in the house. You know, guest rooms? We have plenty of space."
Regina gritted her teeth. "Fine. But tomorrow we're going to have a long discussion about appropriate guest invitation material. And there'd better not be any mishaps of bladder or bowel with the reindeer and that Bumble creature in the house."
Emma smiled. "Okay, come on. Let's go invite them to stay."
Regina rolled her eyes again and set off with Emma.
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"It's really a shame about the ladder accident," Snow said, as she looked up at the lit and beautifully decorated tree. "Still, I guess the star can go up another time."
Henry pouted. "It should be up there tonight."
David put an arm around Henry's shoulder. "We'll find another way."
"What's this?" Yukon Cornelius asked. "You need a star on top of your tree?" He enthusiastically waved the Bumble over. "Lookie at what he can do."
The Bumble picked up the star and gingerly placed it atop the tree.
"And he doesn't even need a stepladder." Yukon Cornelius smiled.
Henry's face lit up, and all of the adults smiled. Yes, even Regina.
fin.