The Angry Video Game Nerd
Prologue:
Human history has always depicted mankind in the pursuit of happiness in the form of material entertainment, where imagination ran rampant. Man has sacrificed himself for such desires, even in the form of physical pain and impossible maneuvers. However, that all changed in 1958 when entertainment pioneer William Higinbotham created the primitive prototype that would come to be known as Pong.
Others followed this example, with the assistance of computer systems, which in fact were special catalysts in video games known as CPU's. The industry finally became available for domestic use, although still primitive.
Major figures, such as Nintendo, Atari, and Sega made titanic breakthroughs for the sake of game entertainment. However, scroungers, or rather third-rate companies as they are now known, came along, corrupting the whole economy of gaming. The evil, self-indulgent leaders of LJN, Hal and Epyx did their dirty work behind the scenes, bluffing their way out of bankruptcy and making deals with the first raters, fooling many young gamers of the time.
One certain young child witnessed the atrocities brought on from the 1980's, and so on. His anger boiling, he picked up a camera and expressed his honest opinions and views on the terrible video games that plagued his everyday life. He had torn apart many of the creations of the evil organizations, especially those of LJN, which he swore to take down.
Following the 1990's, these companies went under and bit the dust, finally quelling the fourth party in the Bit Wars. Atari soon went and became a licenser, while Sega focused mainly on creating more games and Nintendo moved on to become worldwide factor of the gaming industry, rivaling Sony and Microsoft in a conflict reminiscent of the Three Kingdoms Era.
However, shadows still pulled its strings and controlled its puppets in obscurity, becoming stronger and more influential every minute. The same child, LJN's prophesized doom, had now grown into a full fledged young man, still imbued with the anger and adrenaline he had felt in the 80's. That man is known…as…
THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD…
He has constantly ripped apart and destroyed many terrible games and consoles which haunted and tormented him and other gamers their whole lives. He went on to become a famed personality of the internet, a constant fighter of third rate games. However, this became his regular duty, defending the world from the existence of shitty games. Thus, in honor of his constant career, tributes, and even an anthem for him was composed.
However, in spite of all this fame and success, the barrier, which has separated good and bad games and which he has tended to for so long, begins to break down…
And LJN rises from the remnants of the barrier….
Chapter One: Grudge From the Grave
The day began as always, the sun was shining with the radiant hopes of an awesome game, the gray clouds swirled with the dismal tone of having to play shitty games every day. James got up this fine, yet crappy day, dressed up in his nerdy shirt and brown pants, packed his pens into in his pocket pouch, brushed his teeth, which were splattered with the grime of the filthy curses he threw at the game he reviewed the day before, and put on his glasses. Of course, James D. Rolfe was the fucking Nerd.
He went to his refrigerator, grabbed a Rolling Rock and a snack pack, and went down to his gaming room. This room was his world, his realm; which was also the realm of shitty as fuck games! He went to his SNES games shelf, skimmed through the labels, and grimaced. He plucked out a cartridge and glared at the artwork and logo on the label. It read, "Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage."
"Honestly, I don't know why the fuck I'm looking at this game right now. Look at that rainbow, you know what I'm talking about. LJN, the shitbomb that created this game. Come to think of it, this is one of the more memorable games in the SNES games and it actually got a good review." The Nerd paused and looked at the camera for a minute.
"Really? It got a good review? One of LJN's games got a good review? I must be dreaming or some shit. There is no way in hell that this game can be good, but this is actually one of LJN's better games, or rather LJN's only good game! Hard to believe, right? It was actually more of a mixed opinion, some people called it shit(Which it should be.), others actually thought it was good." The Nerd went to his Screw Attack Television cabinet, popped the cartridge into the Super Nintendo, picked up the controller and plopped right down on his futon/couch.
Afterward, Kyle Justin, the guitar dude, came up from behind the couch and started singing the AVGN theme song:
He's gonna take you back to the past…
To play the shitty games that suck ass…
He'd rather have…a buffalo…
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear….
He'd rather eat…the rotten asshole…
Of a road kill skunk and down with beer…
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard…
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd…
He's the Angry Atari and Sega Nerd…
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd…!
Kyle Justin then ducked under the couch, just like every other day, while the Nerd readied himself for the shit missiles that would soon come flying right at him like a flying squirrel making a run for the nuts. The Nerd commented on the starting screen, "Like the title implies, you're playing as either Venom or Spider-Man, and of course, it's two players. After you press start, it starts you off immediately in the first stage, New York, like no shit, where else would Spider-Man be? Now why does the game start you right off at that point as Spider-Man? Isn't this game called Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage?" The Nerd wondered.
"But it's LJN, so what would you expect? Also, what's with the music? I don't have too much of a complaint, but shouldn't it have the Spider-Man theme? It's just like in Terminator for the NES, the games touch the key scenes of the movie(or comic in this case.), but the music doesn't fit. It's like swapping the Sword Quest winnings for horse diarrhea and pig vomit. Did they have some sort of licensing problem with the music? Both games are made by LJN, so I'm guessing people didn't want them touching the official stuff, like, 'Get your fucking hands off those soundtracks, here, take these bands and make your own shitty music.' Yeah, that's how it was with LJN," the Nerd noted with a smirk.
The Nerd downed his entire Rolling Rock and was about to grab another bottle, but he heard a commotion upstairs. "The fuck was that?" The Nerd ran up the stairs, only to be greeted by the sight of pixilated soldiers marching through his front door! "HEY! WHAT IN THE ASS IS GOING ON HERE! Hey assholes! I'm talking to you!" The Nerd attempted to yell at the figures, but received no response.
The Nerd's anger then boiled over and he punched one of them, shattering the soldier into pixel dust. It was then that he got their attention, and they fired at him. The bullets exploded with the sound of a bleeping computer and blasted the Nerd back. He got back up and the soldiers aimed their weapons at him.
The Nerd frowned, then brought out his Super Scope. "All right, you puke green and shit brown loads of fuck, you wanna play rough? Then say hello to my friend!" the Nerd yelled out and started firing away. He managed to take out many of them, but he soon ran out of ammo. He gripped his two Nintendo Zappers that sat in his pocket holsters and started dual firing. The soldiers scattered, while they dropped little black dots.
The dots exploded, damaging the floor and walls. The Nerd attempted to wave away the smoke, and when that was done, he looked up to see Jason Voorhees about to strike down on his head! "OH SHIIIIIIT!" The Nerd jumped out of the way, sprawling on the floor. "So you're back, huh? Bring it then you piece of shit!" The Nerd got up and readied himself to fight.
"I'll show you some funny tricks!" The Nerd head butted Jason into a nearby wall and began whaling on him as if he were a rag doll. Jason, on the other hand was completely defenseless and unable to recover. "I killed you once, I'll kill you again, you piece of mask wearing shit!" The Nerd generated an adrenaline so overpowering that his fists began cracking the hockey mask Jason wore and left large holes in his body.
The Nerd continued to pummel Jason until his assault was cut short when Jason slashed at the Nerd. James looked at the long gash that ran down from his chest to his lower left abdomen. He looked back up at Jason and frowned his "Nerd" frown.
"All right, that's how it's gonna be? Have a taste of some fucking bombs!" The Nerd took a deep breath, while Jason simply stared stupidly, tilting his head forward. The Nerd then shouted with all the might his lungs could muster. "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKK!" Bombs with an F logo on it came flying right at Jason and they exploded, blowing away a section of the house.
James walked toward Jason's limp body, his machete still in hand. "You thought you could kill me, huh, Jason? Well, I ain't James the Angry Nintendo Nerd no more, I've evolved into the fucking Angry Video Game Nerd, asshole!" James then stuck out his middle finger at Jason's corpse and turned away.
The Nerd retreated back to his sanctuary, which was his gaming room, and geared up for the fight for his house…