Title: Hidden Emotions
Author: Dysnomia
Pairing: Danny/Nicholas
Rating: R(barely)
Prompt: 06 "I'm not feeling well" for the 7 lies table.
Word Count:
Warnings: none
Summary: Nicholas loves Danny, the only problem is it's driving him to distraction and he doesn't know what Danny will think about him if he confesses.
After Danny had taken a bullet for him, after the explosion of the station house, and after the fear and panic filled hours at the hospital, Nicholas had come to a rather shocking realization. He cared for Danny. Cared for him much more then was probably proper. Being transferred to Sandford had not only resulted in ending up with a best friend for the first time since he could remember, but a man with whom Nicholas now hoped for more then friendship with.
During Danny's recovery, he held his tongue, pushing these new, unexplored feelings to the back of his mind. Now was not the time to explore these thoughts any further, or burden Danny with his suddenly not so innocent, at times perverse urges. Nicholas didn't know how well the younger man would take any revelations on his part, so he kept it all inside, which really wasn't all that difficult, he'd spent most of his life keeping his emotions hidden. Besides, he wanted all of Danny's time to be designated to healing, to getting back to the energetic, eager for action man he was before the gunshot.
Every time Nicholas saw the large white bandage adorning his partner's side, anger and guilt swirled through him in equal parts. The anger was mostly for the N.W.A, for if it wasn't for their murderous tendencies, the whole incident wouldn't have occurred. But, there was also a fair bit of anger directed at himself. If he'd only made sure that absolutely every member of the N.W.A had been taken down, Danny wouldn't have needed to jump into the path of a bullet to save his life. And that is where the guilt came in. it was his fault, his fault Danny almost dies, it was his fault Danny had months of painful recovery ahead of him. The guilt hit Nicholas every time one of Danny's movements resulted in a gasp, a pained grunt, or even a slight wince. Because every expression of pain drove home to Nicholas that it was him who should have been shot, that the only reason he wasn't injured or dead was because Danny had all but sacrificed himself to make sure Nicholas was safe.
Between filling out the considerable amount of paperwork his exploits had created, overseeing the construction of the new station, and supervising the other officers as their unofficial Inspector, Nicholas' spare time was nearly non-existent. Almost every moment he did manage to get away however, was spent with Danny, which was made even easier once he'd been released from the hospital and was able to be back in Sandford. They'd spend hours on Danny's couch, watching action movies, the evening inevitably ending with the two of them asleep together on the couch. Nicholas had now seen so many movies that the plots were all starting to bland together, he wasn't sure any longer that he could recall a certain movie if Danny wished to discuss it.
There was only one problem with spending so much time with Danny. His feelings towards him did nothing but grow, until Nicholas knew it was too late for him. He was arse over tits in love with the younger man, and could do nothing to stop it. For the first time in his life, Nicholas was really in love with someone. Sure, he loved his mum and brothers, but that was different. Even his feelings for Janine had never been anything more then a certain amount of affection for her in his heart. This thing for Danny was something different, something so much better.
It looked like he'd finally found someone he cared about more then the job. Nicholas was finally able to switch off, but now he had another problem. Now he was finding it hard to switch back on. He'd sit at his desk in his makeshift office in the hotel, and find himself constantly distracted. His mind would continually drift to Danny, whether it was for something as simple as wondering what to make him for lunch, since he'd taken to cooking for Danny lately after tasting what Danny had sworn were his best efforts.
But then there were the times when Nicholas' mind would wander to other things, things like contemplating Danny's hands. Once he'd noticed how large Danny's hands were, his mind had started to supply him with all sorts of images. Nicholas would find himself drifting off, staring into space, the scene in his head much different from what he was actually looking at.
One of the most common images took place in the police station, in the locker room no less. It wasn't particularly dirty, but never failed to leave him hard and uncomfortable in suddenly too tight pants. They would both be fully clothed, but that didn't matter to him. Danny would be the one to start things, pushing Nicholas against the lockers without warning. Danny would grab both of his wrists in one hand, pinning them above his head. Danny would kiss him them, hard, forcing Nicholas to submit to the onslaught, all the while pressing him firmly against the metal behind them, a lock digging painfully into his spine. Nicholas always seemed to snap out of it just as Danny's hand would be reaching for the front of his pants.
He had mixed feelings on the abrupt end his fantasy always had. On one hand he wanted to see it through right to the end. On the other hand, he had a feeling that his mind's refusal to allow him to get to the end was a way of telling him that in public would not be the best place to go through with this, that he would only end up embarrassing himself.
His daydreams though, were nothing compared to the dreams he'd have at night. His dreams would be full of kisses, hard touches, stroking, sweat, bodies pressed together, incredible pleasure, and an all encompassing heat, that seemed to cover him and be inside him all at once. Most times he'd wake with a start, heart racing, breathing heavy, pants tight. When alone, in his bed, there'd be no sleep for him until his problem was taken care of. It never took much either, the dreams always left him teetering on the edge, a few strokes were all he ever needed.
The worst nights however, were when he was at Danny's. The dreams were the same; the only difference was the heat wouldn't disappear when he woke. More often then not, they ended up falling asleep lying against each other. Usually Nicholas' head was on Danny's shoulder, and everything from their arms down to their feet would be pressed together tightly, often an arm from one of them would be thrown in the other's lap. If he dreamt, whatever time of the night he woke would be when Nicholas would leave. There was no way he was going to risk having Danny wake up first and seeing or feeling the evidence of his arousal, even if he was just so comfortable where he was. Danny made an excellent pillow.
But it was getting harder to keep everything inside, to not let spill everything he wanted to say to Danny. So he had to leave in the middle of the night, because the moonlight streaming in through the window always left the living room feeling unreal, like nothing could go wrong if he confessed. Nicholas knew better though, he knew there were so many ways his confessing could ruin things with Danny. So he kept quiet, and would instead slip out of the house to go back to his own lonely cottage.
It was turning into a sort of daily torture to have to sit so close to Danny, yet be so very far away from what he really wanted. It had gotten so bad lately that he'd all but stopped paying attention to whatever movie was playing. Instead, he would spend the night watching Danny out of the corner of his eye, drinking in the excitement and awe on his face during the shoot-em-up, car chasing, explosive screens on the screen.
His situation was complicated even more by the fact that after nearly three months, the doctor finally cleared Danny as fit for work. So now Nicholas could no longer cling to his excuse of wanting Danny to heal first. Now there was no reason he shouldn't let Danny know. No reason other then his own cowardice. Facing a town full of gun toting sociopaths was easy. Telling Danny that he was in love with him, well that was turning out to be the most difficult thing Nicholas has ever done.
Like right now, he was supposed to be watching Lethal Weapon 2, or was it 3? He couldn't remember, they all seemed the same to him. Nicholas didn't think he'd taken in more then maybe the first few minutes before Danny had once again distracted him. Really, he couldn't blame Danny, he probably hadn't meant anything by it, he'd said similar things before. All he'd done was clap a hand on Nicholas' shoulder, telling him he was going to love this one. "'Cause it's got a lot more action then the first one, even if you don't see Mel Gibson's naked arse, but yours is still nicer anyways."
That one bit was repeating itself over and over again. Maybe Nicholas was over analyzing things, but he could have sworn there was a trace of disappointment in his voice when he mentioned Mel Gibson. Yes, Danny had definitely sounded disappointed, no matter how many ways he looked at it. Then there was the reference to his own arse, and the fact that Danny had compared them. So now Nicholas had another debate on his hands. As far as Nicholas could tell, judging by his comment, no matter how vague it had been, Danny wasn't completely adverse to the idea of two men together. At the very least, it seemed like he had no problem admitting he found another man attractive.
Now Nicholas had to decide, was Danny's offhand comment just that, something he shouldn't be reading too much into, or was it something more. Was that Danny's way of letting him know he wouldn't freak out if Nicholas tried anything? It was driving him crazy. Nicholas was about eighty percent sure Danny wouldn't mind his advances, but those weren't good enough odds. Even if Danny's response wasn't positive, Nicholas didn't think Danny would allow something like this to wreck their friendship. Danny would work around his feelings, not ignoring them so much as just refusing to acknowledge that they were there. Nicholas didn't think he could stand that option though. He wouldn't be able to stand the occasional odd look, the awkward silences that would occur whenever either of them said something inappropriate.
On the other hand, if Nicholas was right about Danny, the payoff would be worth any sort of risk. Danny was s passionate about everything he did and loved. His job, his movies, even his drinking at the pub. If all that passion could be directed at himself? Nicholas shivered, his thoughts running away on him. He shook himself out of it, coming back to himself, but it was too late. Danny had finally noticed just how distracted he was. Nicholas got worried when he realized Danny wasn't even paying attention to the television anymore.
He'd turned on the couch, facing Nicholas, who froze, trying to wipe all emotion from his face before Danny managed to glean any information from his expression. It was too late though, Danny had already picked up on something, he could tell. Danny's brow was creased, his eyes full of concern. "What's wrong Nicholas? You didn't hear a word I just said, did'ja? Plus you've got a real odd look on your face."
Shit. Nicholas hadn't even noticed that Danny had been talking to him, he'd been that far away. Even now, Nicholas had to forcibly drag his attention to what was going on. His mind kept wanting to fall back into the gurgling pit of panic that was threatening to overwhelm him. This could just turn out to be the situation he was looking for, the chance he was waiting for, his excuse to let everything out.
This was it, he could use this moment of Danny's undivided attention to confess, to get everything off his chest. He was so close to doing it, had everything he wanted to say all lined up in his head, yet when he opened his mouth, none of what he should have been saying came out. Instead, Nicholas found himself muttering, "I'm not feeling well." At the same time lifting himself off the couch, looking away from Danny's genuinely concerned look. Nicholas couldn't look at him as he lied, wouldn't be able to go through with it if he continued to stare at those trusting brown eyes. "Stomach's a bit off, must have been something I ate." He mumbled, the guilt he felt apparent to him in his voice.
Nicholas was almost hoping Danny would call him on it, would catch him in the lie. 'Come on Danny. Don't just trust my word implicitly, question me, be suspicious. Come on, remember I told you there's always something going on. Please don't take me for face value, force me to tell you what's really wrong.
But Danny only nodded, his look of concern shifting to a more sympathetic expression. He jerked his head toward the door, "Get home then, and go right to bed. I 'spect to see you at the station tomorrow, so get your rest now, since I know nothin'll stop you from going in to work."
Nicholas nodded, moving towards the door, the lie churning in his stomach, leaving him feeling genuinely ill. As his hand closed around the door knob, Danny called out from the couch. "Oi, Nicholas!"
Nicholas stopped short, half of him hoping Danny was about to catch him. He glanced at Danny, taking in the look on his face. He didn't look mad, just stern if anything. "I don't want to hear that you were up at the crack of dawn to go for a run either. I want you to barely make it in time for work."
He nodded dumbly, not trusting his voice to speak, turning back towards the door, trying to hide his disappointment at not being caught. He slipped out the door quickly, the sound of the door clicking shut sounding final. If Nicholas had looked back one last time before leaving, he'd have seen the skeptical frown on Danny's face, and maybe, just maybe, that would have been enough to make him crack.
Nicholas had spent the rest of the night in a guilt riddled bout of insomnia. While he wasn't a complete stranger to sleepless nights, the previous night had hit him hard. For once in his life, Nicholas didn't go in early for his shift, even though he'd spent the better portion of the morning lying in bed, unable to sleep. Instead he arrived just minutes before his shift was to start. Danny was already there, and Nicholas could feel his eyes following him as he crossed the room to his office, sinking into the chair behind his desk, starting on another large stack of paperwork.
Not once during the day did Danny come to see him, he would just pass by the office, giving Nicolas a look he couldn't describe, and leaving him with the absurd urge to close the door so Danny couldn't look at him anymore. Danny didn't even ask him to go for lunch, when they would normally have gone down to the pub. Nicholas didn't want to admit it, but he couldn't help but think Danny was avoiding him, giving him the silent treatment. Finally, as it was nearing six o'clock, Nicholas had had enough. "Constable Butterman, could you come see me for a moment."
He was sure his formality didn't fool anyone; all the other officers would have already noticed the odd behavior the two of them were exhibiting. Danny nodded, pushing himself out of his chair, still giving him that look. Even without prompting, Danny shut the door behind him, effectively blocking out the no doubt eavesdropping officers. With the door closed they were officially alone, since there were no windows in his office. Danny came to stand at the side of his desk, almost too close for comfort, close enough that the scent of Danny's cologne was going to be a distraction from what he wanted to say. There was only one problem with calling Danny in here. He had no idea what he wanted to say. He wasn't sure if he wanted to confess to lying yesterday, or come up with some other excuse for bringing him into the office.
Danny though, took the decision away from him with the first words he's spoken to Nicholas so far today. "I know you weren't sick last night."
Nicholas froze, hoping he'd heard Danny wrong, but knowing that he'd heard right. He knew his expression had taken on that blank guarded look he usually sported when he was out of his element. He wasn't sure where Danny was going with this conversation, and Nicholas didn't want to stupidly open his mouth and say something wrong. He needed to find out just how much Danny had figured out on his own.
Danny was still standing at the side of his desk, and Nicholas rolled his chair backward nervously, trying to get some distance between them. Danny wouldn't let him have that advantage though, moving around to his side of the desk, not stopping until Nicholas' knees were almost brushing his legs. Nicholas was sure that Danny could tell how uncomfortable he was, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. "I know you weren't sick last night." He repeated, an unreadable look in his eyes, accompanied by a nervousness Nicholas couldn't quite understand. "And I think I know what was really wrong with you. What's been wrong with you for a while now."
Nicholas swallowed, resisting the urge to shiver, and managed to quirk an eyebrow in question. Danny nodded, almost to himself, and without words, let Nicholas know that he really did know what was going on. Danny moved quickly, getting impossibly closer, hand reaching out, closing around his crotch, palming the half hard erection Nicholas hadn't even been aware of in the first place. Nicholas stifled the gasp that wanted to escape. Apparently Danny's proximity and scent had affected him more then he thought, although this wouldn't be the first time he'd had such an ill-timed reaction near the other man.
"That's what I thought." Danny brought his face down closer, lips hovering near his ear. "Why didn't you say anything to me Nicholas?" A quick squeeze of his hand, massaging gently, "What did you think I was going to do?" Without waiting for an answer Danny continued. "Never mind, I'll just show you what I'll do about it."
The next thing Nicholas knew was that Danny's lips were pressed against his own, tongue prying at his sealed mouth, and as he opened his mouth to protest, Danny took advantage, slipping his tongue inside, sealing their mouths fully together. Any protests he had died at the sensations suddenly coursing through him. The entire time Danny's mouth moved against his, his hand was also moving against his cock in a steady rhythm.
Nicholas tried to warn Danny about what was going to happen, he really did try, but it had just been so long since someone other then his own hand had touched him that he couldn't force the words out. So he let Danny continue, abandoning himself to the pleasure that touch elicited, sparks flashing behind his closed eyes, tingling up his spine. And when did he close his eyes anyways? He wanted, no needed to let Danny know that he loved him, that this wasn't just a physical thing that he had for him. But Danny wasn't about to let him get a word in edgewise. His hand was massaging harder, pulling whining gasps from Nicholas' throat, swallowing any sounds that would escape.
A sudden squeeze and twist had Nicholas giving a short yell, jerking in his chair, spasming as his cock spilled inside his shorts. Nicholas' eyes were still slammed shut, so he jumped a bit as a hand started running through his hair, petting the soft, short fuzz. Another hand landed on his shoulder, and Nicholas could tell even without opening his eyes that Danny was looming over him. Calming down his harsh breathing and erratically beating heart, Nicholas blinked his eyes open, staring up at Danny's smiling face.
Danny was staring down at him expectantly, still smiling widely. Nicholas didn't know if it was the look on Danny's face and in his eyes, or if the fact that he'd just rubbed him to orgasm, but Nicholas was finally ready to talk, to confess the secret he'd held in for much too long.
"Danny I," Nicholas cleared his throat before starting again, his voice sounded too strained. "Danny I need to tell you something. Frankly I'm nearly positive you're already aware of what I'm about to say, but please let me get through it without interruption, let me believe that I'm telling you something you don't already know."
He waited for Danny's nod of confirmation before continuing, his expression serious, remembering. "When you took that shot for me," Nicholas reached his arm out, fingertips grazing over Danny's side, where he knew the scar still lingered. "When I saw you lying there, I realized something. And to tell you the truth it scared me. For the first time in my life I didn't want to be a police officer. And do you know why? Because then you wouldn't have been hurt because we wouldn't have had anything to do with the N.W.A. But then, there was the chance that'd I'd never have met you in the first place. And that scared me more. You see, the thing is that I care about you Danny, more then I should. What I mean to say, what I've never said to anyone before is…I love you Danny."
Nicholas fought the ridiculous urge to close his eyes so he wouldn't have to see Danny's reaction. He knew he was being stupid, considering what had just happened, there was nearly no chance of this going badly. But his stomach was still tied up in knots, churning nervously, his heart in his throat.
He shouldn't have worried at all, as Danny's eyes lit up, a huge sunny smile spreading across his face. Then Danny's lips were on his again, kissing sloppily, between every kiss was a breathy, "Love you too." Nicholas had to swallow back the wave of emotion that swept over him with Danny's words.
He didn't know how he was going to get out his office without everyone noticing the mess in his pants, but right now he couldn't care less. Nicholas knew that there were no doubt going to be complications later on, but right now, nothing seemed wrong in his world, he'd finally gotten something right in his life.