Disclaimer: Nope. Still not mine.
Most days, Josh thinks they have it pretty much perfect. It's not the perfect anyone had expected for him, for either of them , really, but it works and It's been working, and Josh doesn't regret a single choice he's made over the past several years. From trying his hardest to be Drake's friend at the beginning, to all the times he'd forgiven Drake, to staying local for college, to moving into an apartment with Drake a year ago- it's all brought them here, and here is awesome. Here is their little apartment, where they live off occasional money from Spin City and paychecks from both of their part time jobs. It's where Josh studies and writes papers, finishing his senior year, and Drake works on songs when he comes home from the little local gigs he's been promised will build his career. It's where they have two bedrooms, but more often than not they end up in each other's rooms, or on the couch, because all the way down the hall is just too far, just too weird after five years of sleeping less than ten feet from each other. It's where they fall into an everyday that's comfortable and peaceful and makes Josh happy. It's where Drake drags him out sometimes and makes him live a little and he makes sure Drake actually goes to work. It's where Josh cooks dinner and Drake talks about all the things they'll have one day when he's famous, and Josh never has to doubt for a minute he'll actually be there to live it all with Drake. It's where the only thing that ever really bothers Josh is just how much he misses Drake on nights when they don't fall asleep together, because he knows that means that maybe the reason this is all so good, the reason he and Drake have just always been them, is a reason he's not sure they can ever really have. He doesn't think about it much though, not really, because what they have here is amazing, and Josh isn't about to ruin that.
It's all just easy, and it's so good that Josh ignores it when people question him about it like it's weird somehow. He ignores everything that's not part of the little world they've built for themselves without really trying, and it works really well until Drake gets a 2 am-phone call that brings the real world rushing in and screws everything all up.
Trevor. He's been in an accident. An accident he caused, behind the wheel of a car, passed out long before his car slammed into the side of building.
It's stupidly, ridiculously unfair. It's the kind of thing that just doesn't happen, and Josh just doesn't understand it. He doesn't know how they've been thrown into some sort of TV special where big scary things happen. This is Trevor, and yeah, he's never been the smartest kid in the world, and ok, sometimes Josh thinks he was born stoned, but it was never supposed to turn into anything more. Guys like Trevor don't turn into hardcore drug users who screw up their whole lives. They just don't. It would be like Megan starting to actually murder people. It's too much. It's not how it works. They'd gone to high school with a hundred kids like Trevor, and they're all fine, Josh still sees some of them every day at school. None of them are in hospitals, hooked up to machines while their mothers cry and whisper questions about rehab to nurses who don't seem sure they'll make it that long. They're all fine, Josh knows people who come to class stoned every day and get better grades than he does. He knows people who experiment with new things, things Josh has barely heard of like, every weekend, and they're fine. All of them.
Trevor isn't fine. And it seems random and unfair and Josh doesn't know how it happened. They hadn't seen a lot of Trevor recently, but Drake still talked about him occasionally, so it had never occurred to Josh that things weren't ok. That they could be this bad. He wants to ask Drake about it, ask him if he'd had any idea, but he can't bring himself to ask. Drake looks so pale and so scared that Josh can't bring himself to ask anyone any of the things he's desperately curious about it. He can't get details, because he doesn't want to see Drake's face when he hears them, and he can't leave Drake alone to ask around. So it's all just vague bits of information, no specifics and no real answers. Josh doesn't know what to do, or what to say. He wants this all to go away, he wants Drake to smile, he wants to make Trevor wake up, wants to wish them anywhere but this stupid hospital waiting room.
They sit for hours, and for the most part everyone ignores them except for one girl who wanders over from the little cluster of Trevor's friends sitting in the corner. There are four of them, and Josh has never seen any of them before today. The girl ,Sophie, is blonde, too thin, and keeps pulling on the ends of her hair nervously. She chatters for awhile, and between Josh's deep hatred of hospitals and his worry for Drake he can't bring himself to listen until she looks right at him with wide eyes and grins,
"You must be Josh," She says, like Josh's name should have a 'the' in front of it, like it's a title of some sort.
"Yeah," Josh says, raising an eyebrow.
"Trevor always says you're the reason none of us have ever met Drake," she announces, gesturing to her friends in the corner and smirking a little. Josh doesn't really know what to say to that, and beside him Drake sinks down in his seat a little, like he's trying to disappear. Josh doesn't blame him. Sophie just smirks again, and then resumes the story Josh hadn't been paying attention to a few minutes ago. Eventually she walks back to her friends, but her comment echoes in Josh's head all afternoon.
******
The hours in the waiting room turn into days, days when they only go home long enough to sleep for a few hours to sleep and shower before returning to sit and wait for news that doesn't seem to be getting any better. It's a terrible, trying, stressful, depressing few days, and Josh isn't sure how much more he can take. He thinks it would be better if they were talking about it, if they were talking about anything at all, but they're not. Drake isn't. He's been quieter than Josh has ever seen him, withdrawn and distant, and when he does talk, his voice sounds flat and emotionless, and nothing Josh does makes any difference. Josh wishes he knew what to do, what Drake was feeling, how to get Drake to tell him what he's feeling, but he can't. He doesn't know how to fix it, and the more he tries, the more he feels like Drake is mad at him. Which doesn't make any sense, and Josh knows he isn't, that this Trevor thing is hard and that Drake is just dealing with it, but knowing doesn't really make it easier.
It doesn't make it sting any less when they're getting coffee one morning, and Josh mentions something semi-positive the Trevor's mom had passed on to them, and Drake looks at Josh's shirt and says,
"You've never even liked Trevor," and Josh flinches and sips his coffee, because the only thing he think of to say back is,
"but I love you," and now just doesn't seem like the time for that, no matter how true it is, or how Josh means it. He's pretty sure it doesn't matter right now, so he doesn't say anything, and Drake taps an angry sounding beat on the table with his fingers.
It doesn't make it any better when they're driving home one night and Josh tries to reassure Drake that Trevor will be ok, and Drake lets shifts in his seat and says,
"No. He won't," And Josh winces and says,
"He will, they'll fix him and-" But Drake cuts him off.
"What part of this is ok?" He asks, his tone of voice still the same, detached, low, depressing one it's been for days, a tone that makes Josh wish Drake was yelling.
"Well not now, but they'll fix it, and his mom will get him to rehab, and it will be ok," Josh tries.
"No, it won't," Drake says, shaking his head slowly. He doesn't say a word the rest of the ride him.
It doesn't make it any less confusing when they're in that awful waiting room, two days in, and another one of Trevor's friends, some guy who has to be at least forty, comes up to them, looking curious. He sits across from them and raises his eyebrows, and Josh takes a sighs, predicting what's coming before it gets out of the guys mouth.
"So, are you guys like, gay?" He asks, and Josh just closes his eyes. They've been asked that same questions, or versions of it, about a million times, and they've come up with all sorts of ways to answer over the years. Today, Josh can't think of any of them. He's just too tired, too unsure of what's going on in Drake's head. So he doesn't say anything, and he feels Drake stiffen next to him. Drake stands up, glares at the guy, and then gives Josh the scariest look Josh has ever seen. Scary not because Drake looks angry, or offended, but because Josh has no idea what Drake is feeling looking at his face. Not a clue. He can't read Drake's face at all, and it terrifies him. He can always read Drake, no matter what, and not being able to makes him want to throw up. Drake walks away, and Trevor's friend shrugs and walks back over to his corner. Drake comes back a few minutes later with Mocha Cola's for both of them, and Josh has no idea what to say or do or think.
It's his least favorite Drake reaction to that question ever, replacing the time they'd been asked in a bar by some big, football looking dude. He'd been drunk, and his face was a mixture of intrigued and disgusted when he asked them, and Drake had grinned and said,
"What do you think?" Before pulling Josh in close and kissing him until long after the guy had walked away, mutter vaguely offensive things under his breath. When he pulled back from the kiss, Drake had leaned up and whispered,
"let's get out of here," in Josh's ear. Then he'd grabbed Josh's hand and pulled him out of the bar and onto the street where he'd started giggling and talking about how awesome that had been, like they'd just pulled off an amazing prank. Josh had stared at him, unable to speak, and seriously considered grabbing him and kissing him again, grabbing him and never letting him go. He hadn't though, he hadn't wanted to mess with that perfect thing they had going on. So he'd just replayed it in his mind over and over again and been really, really confused. It still was, but Josh couldn't focus on it, and he missed it. He'd trade this confusion, the scary, bad, stressful confusion, for that excited, nervous kind in a heartbeat if he could.
**
They're sleeping in separate rooms. Drake keeps his door closed every night, shutting Josh out, and Josh can hear him pacing. Three long days in, he still has no idea what to do, what to say to make it even a little bit better. Trevor's been steady, no really change either way, and today his Mother had hinted that maybe they should all start coming less. They'll have to soon anyway, there are only so many shifts they can get covered, only so many classes Josh can miss, only so many days they can live this way. Josh isn't sure whether it will be better when they stop going to the hospital, but he's pretty sure it can't be worse.
He has nightmares all night, variations of the same ones he's had for the past two nights. Something is wrong in all of them, something terrible and scary, Drake is always falling off impossibly high things- mountains, buildings, out planes- while Josh watches, trapped in a giant classroom that he can't get out of. He runs to the window, but he can't seem to do anything else, anything but watch Drake fall. Then, at the last second, right before Drake hits the ground, Josh is the one falling while Drake watches, and before Josh even has time to scream, he hits the ground, and wakes up, shaking. It's terrifying, and the fact that Drake isn't in bed next to him just makes it scarier.
**
They both go back to their lives three and half days after Trevor's accident, Drake to an evening shift at work, Josh to a late class. He can't concentrate after a night of bad dreams and a morning in the hospital waiting room, but it feels good to be somewhere else, anywhere else. It feels good not to be overwhelmed by the helplessness he's been feeling, overwhelmed by the silence and the distance he's feeling from Drake.
He makes himself dinner after class, and saves some for Drake, the way he always does when Drake is working late, and then tries to work on a paper. He types about three sentences before he falls asleep. When he wakes up, it's dark and Drake's coat is thrown over a chair, the door to his room closed. Josh stands up and shakes his head, unsure how much longer he can take this. He considers knocking on Drake's door, but he'd tried that the first night, and Drake had just stared at him blankly. Josh doesn't want to do that again. He doesn't want to go to bed without seeing Drake either. He doesn't want to think of Drake alone and sad and not talking about it, he doesn't any of this, but he's starting to feel like trying it just making it worse. So he goes to his own room, shuts the door, and falls into nightmares.
**
Drake crawls into Josh's bed a few hours later. Josh feels him before he sees him, before he's even fully awake.
"Hey," he says, turning on his side and pulling the covers around both of them. Drake turns to face Josh, curls up into him and lets out a long breath. Josh puts an arm around him and pulls him in closer. Drake is quiet for a few minutes, and once Josh's eyes adjust to the light, he can see how scared Drake still looks. It makes him want to hold Drake even tighter, want to get up and lock the doors to this room so that Drake never has to leave and face the real world ever again.
"I knew," Drake says eventually, his voice almost back to normal.
"Knew?"
"About Trevor. I knew what he was in to, I knew it was getting bad, that it was getting to be a lot. He told me," Drake says.
"He told you?"
"Well not that it was bad, but it's, never good, is it? But I really thought, I thought he'd be ok. I mean, he's Trevor."
"I know," Josh says.
"He just said it so casual, you know? Like maybe it was this thing he'd do for a week or two, like he wanted to try or something, and then he'd go back to his normal stuff," Drake says, and there are a million questions Josh wants to ask, because he's still missing details and pieces, but Drake is talking again, and he doesn't' want to push it. So he just says,
"You couldn't have done anything, you couldn't have really known,"
"He told me," Drake repeats.
"Yeah, but you didn't really know, when was the last time you even saw Trevor before this?" Josh asks.
"It's been like, a year, I think."
"Exactly."
"But you're not supposed to just let it go when people tell you stuff like that. You're supposed to," Drake pauses and bites his lip like he's searching for the right word, "intervene," he finishes.
"There were people that saw him every day, the must have known even more than you," Josh says, even though he knows it's not really a helpful point. Drake nods like it is though, and Josh pulls him in even closer.
"I told him to be careful, I did. I didn't- I just figured he could handle it, I should have like, called his mom or something though," Drake says. Josh shakes his head.
"He lives there, dude. She should have seen it without you calling."
"You would have called her. You would have called her and like, demanded she do something," Drake says.
"Probably," Josh admits, "but it might not have done any good, it might made things worse."
"Worse?" Drake echoes, arching an eyebrow.
"My plans do that a lot," Josh says. Drake shakes his head,
"You would have tried," Drake says.
"You didn't know how bad it was," Josh repeats.
"I didn't want to know."
"Drake-" Josh starts, but Drake lets out another deep breath and cuts him off,
"I didn't come in here to tell you that," he says.
"You didn't?"
"Not really, I mean, I wanted you to know that, but it's not why I came in."
"Why'd you come?" Josh asks.
"You," Drake says.
"Me?"
"I just- I needed to sleep here," Drake says.
"Ok."
"Thanks," Drake says, and then he shifts in, even closer to Josh, and closes his eyes. Josh watches him for awhile, not daring to close his own eyes until Drake's breathing steadies. Even then, he just watches him for awhile, and once again, wishes he knew how to make any of this better.
He finally falls asleep, and doesn't remember any of his dreams the next morning.
**
Three days later, after a quick visit to the hospital, Drake sits down on Josh's lap and kisses him, really kisses him, holds on to him and kisses him like the world might fall down around them if they don't kiss, if they don't keep kissing. And Josh kisses him back, not just because he wants to, although, god, he does, so much, but because everything about the way Drake kisses screams that he needs this. It's almost desperate, the way Drake clings to him, and part of Josh doesn't care if they never talk about, if they never do it again, because he's just so damn glad to finally be doing something that helps.
**
Trevor wakes up two weeks after his accident, and then they spend another full day in the hospital. Everyone rushes around, not really talking to the two of them at all, and it's all tests and vital signs and things that still sound kind of scary, honestly, but Josh can't really focus on any of them, all he can do is watch Drake.
**
Drake sleeps in Josh's bed every night after that first night he crawls in, and they don't talk about it, or about Trevor, anything more serious than what they did that day, and when Josh dreams, they still hit the ground, but they fall together, and he's not shaking as much when he wakes up.
**
The kissing becomes a regular thing too, and the more it happens, the more Josh thinks maybe they should talk about it. He tries, he does, but then Drake looks up at him, all big eyes and freckles and need, and Josh can't. He just pulls Drake close and tries as hard as he can to make the rest of the world fall away.
**
Josh holds Drake's hand the hold time he goes in to see Trevor. It's hard and it awkward and Trevor rambles about nothing at all, like nothing is wrong, only his voice isn't right, his speech is all funny, and there are still tubes and wires attached to him, so it's very clear that something is very wrong. Drake talks to him like he doesn't notice, like this isn't totally horrible, and Josh has never been prouder.
**
Drake pulls back from a kiss one night and looks at Josh, just stares at him for a long moment,
"Thank you," he says softly. Josh smiles.
"For what?"
"This," Drake says, gesturing between them, "everything."
**
Sometime during the week Trevor enter rehab and Drake turns in three new songs to Spin City, Josh realizes they've fallen into a new routine. A new everyday. That their here, their home, has shifted. Not a lot, there's still work, and classes, and Josh still cooks, and Drake still talks about all the things they'll have when he makes it big. It's just that now there are kisses, a regular thing now, less needy, more affectionate, more sewn in to the every day, and nights are spent in each other's arms, always. It's a shift that takes their relationship to that place Josh wasn't sure they could really get to. They still don't talk about it, but Josh isn't sure they have to, not really. It just works, it just is, it's them, with a little bit more, and it's still really comfortable, it still makes Josh happier than he's ever been. The longer they live this everyday, the better Drake seems, the more it starts to feel like this is just how it's always going to be.
Josh still dreams, and they still fall, but the longer the spend nights holding each other close, the longer they live in this new kind of normal, the small the falls get. The less scarier they are, the more it almost feels like jumping. Like soaring.
Trevor goes back and forth, getting better and falling down again, and it's all still hard and awkward and complicated an messy and sometimes Drake still looks scared and small and guilty, but it's less often, and doesn't last as long.
It's a little more complicated, but in a lot of ways it's still pretty much perfect. Sometimes, Josh thinks that one day, they'll have to sit down and actually say all those words out loud, but when he's holding Drake close, listening to his stready breathing, he know it doesn't matter. They'll get there. He knows they will, and for now, all he needs is this. It's still perfect, and Josh still doesn't regret a single descion he's made.