Why don't clowns where underwear, y'all?
Summary: We like pie. This is irrelevant.
Disclaimer... no own. no own at all... not even a little.
Once upon a time is a great way to start a story. Unfortunately our story happened quite recently and so we shall begin like this.
It was Tuesday the 12th of May 2002; despite the fact the 12th of May that year was a Sunday. As such all the characters were all at school, as is typical for a Tuesday in May.
They were all feeling rather depressed as this was second day of the second week back after Easter, as they all had had the first Monday in may off for may day. Smallville high did of course follow a rather perverted version of the British school calendar, a little known fact which caused much confusion to transfer students, unless they came from the UK.
On this Tuesday in May, there was, in a bizarre and unexpected stroke of fate, a transfer student from the UK. On arrival he was greeted by Chloe who said "Hello for I am Chloe."
"Are you on drugs?" he asked.
"I had some aspirin earlier," she replied, "This town can really give you a headache. I think it's the meteors."
"Aspirin?" asked the transfer "is that like paracetamol?"
"Yes." she replied, "but its pronounced para-set-amol not seat- amol."
"Oh." he said.
"Are you the English transfer student?" she asked desperate to change the subject.
"No" he replied looking annoyed, "I am Scottish and soon to be a movie star. By the way we don't really say transfer student in Britain, so can I just be the new kid?"
"But you're not a kid."
"So! None of the "kids" I've seen here are under 30!"
"We're not that bad! I'm only 23... I mean 16."
"So..."
"Yeah."
"I'm James by the way."
"I'm Chloe."
"You said."
Just then Lana walked by.
"Hello Chloe" said Lana smiling and flipping her hair.
"Hello Lana" said Chloe, "are you Ok?"
"No I have a slight headache. I think affecting my sleek and shiny hair. Do you have any aspirin?"
"No sorry. I used it all earlier."
"A whole packet. Shouldn't you be dead?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"The meteors gave me special powers such as the ability to consume lots of aspirin and the ability to gain a spandex fighting outfit in a bright colour by shouting the name of a dinosaur into the air."
"What dinosaur?" asked James McAvoy interestedly.
"Diplodocus" yelled Chloe into air, holding an empty packet of aspirin to the sky. Moments later, after a flashy display of lights Chloe was replaced a spandex clad orange... thing.
"Where did she get the bicycle helmet and the lycra?" asked James.
"Who are you?" asked Lana.
"I'm James" replied James, ignoring Chloe, for no matter what else is happening Lana is the most interesting thing in the world.
"I'm Lana. Do you any aspirin?"
"No but I have Tesco paracetamol."
"Do you mean para-set-amol?"
"God this is repetitive" replied either James or the writer(s).
"HEY!" yelled Chloe, "quit ignoring me! I'm wearing Spandex for goodness sake... oh damn. I never figured out how to unmorph." Then she ran off, passing a calendar which quite clearly said that this day, Tuesday the 12th may 2002, should be a Sunday, to find Clark to see he would help.
Meanwhile James was handing Lana some paracetamol. She promptly took 2 with a glass of conveniently placed water, (it was in someone's locker).
Then she died, presumably for some complex reason involving meteor rocks or out of date paracetamol. Her grave once it was built would read "here lies lovely Lana Lang. Loved by all, apparently. Died Tuesday May 12th 2002 she will be sadly missed by all, from this date, 2002 May 12th, onwards. Sort of. Maybe... Nah." Lana's Aunt Nell, who was still in town at this point was unhappy with this marker and sued the undertakers, on Friday August 15th 2002. Which, was in fact a Thursday.
Back on May the 12th Chloe found Clark in the torch office, burning all her evidence off the wall of weird using his eyes.
"You have powers" said Chloe
"I know," replied Clark, "strangely I don't think I should have discovered this one yet."
"Ok" she said.
"Wait," he said, "what is with the outfit?"
"Don't ask."
"Um..."
"Can you help me get it off?"
He raised his eyebrows seductively.
"No," he said.
"Aww please" she said.
"Ok." he replied, "There's a zip on the back."
Then many things we have no desire describe took place. Needless to say they ended up in love despite the fact, that we in fact support the Lois/Clark ship, because this is canon.
The End,
Back by Lana's corpse James stood about wondering what the hell he was doing here and disappeared back with poof of smoke to whence he had come from. At this point probably a channel 4 studio. Hence the authors got flamed.
The End... again.