June 14th
My dear diary,
I am afraid.
I am afraid because I know what I think about whenever I'm with her, here in our room, or in a classroom, or in the library - anywhere, really: I think about her, and her alone. I can't focus on my work, because my thoughts speak to me in her soft, smooth-toned voice, and I drown in the memory of her smile.
I'm afraid that she knows I fancy her, and I'm afraid that she finds it disgusting or stupid or worse, pitiful. I'm angry with myself for not telling her when I could have, and for not being brave enough to do so. Especially that day, just a month ago, when we were going to the Ozdust Ballroom. She had given me that hat, and said she would see me there, and then, that night, we danced together! Just Galinda and I. That was the moment I knew that I loved her. Yes, truly. I knew that I wanted to hold her close to me, to whisper three words to her, to kiss her too fiercely and hold her too tight.
I worry all the time that my thoughts are visible on my face or in my eyes. At the same time, I do little things like glance at her for a little too long, or talk a little too softly when I speak to her, or respond a little too slowly, to get her to notice me a little, not that she even cares the slightest about me. I know that she does not think of me as anything more than I am - her friend. I'm not even certain if she thinks of me very often, as she is obviously infatuated with Fiyero, and probably thinks of him every waking moment. Much the same way as I think of her.
I know the entire outline of her form, her curves, and the exact colour of her sparkling ice-water eyes. I know the angle and slight shadows of her slender neck, the waves and curls in her light-as-air sunshine curls. I know the look in her eyes when she looks at him. I know that I will never be looked at that way by her, because it's simply not possible. Simply irrational of me to think it. The two of them will never split up, because they are so hidden in their own solitary little 'bubble' of love and affection. They can't see past it to where I stand, looking in.
Oh, what I would not give to be in Fiyero's place right now. I know that, over time, this love I hold for her will grow, because I will not be able to let it go. I know that past graduation day, I probably won't see either of them again in my life. They'll go on to their upper-class lives, live in their fairy tale castle, get married, have kids and grow old together.
Meanwhile, I'll just sit here and try to harden my heart. I am the kind of person that only loves once in a lifetime. An all-consuming passion, a darkly-glimmering secret. But, I must stop these thoughts! Truly, love between Galinda and I should not happen. It cannot not happen! It will not happen. She will love Fiyero, and be loved by him in return for the rest of their lives.
I'm not that girl.
Elphaba