U Ur Hand, a janet evanovich fanfic

I own nothing!!!! This fic was inspired by Pink's "U & UR Hand" and a scene from TBO by JE.

"There's no monetary way to justify a security detail to watch over you. I bleed money every time you need protection."

"Jeez," I said. "I'm sorry."

Ranger finished his coffee and stood. "I said there was no monetary way to justify your security. The truth is, you're a line item in my budget."

"I have you listed under entertainment," Ranger said, sliding money and credit cards into his pants pocket. "This is a high-stress business, and you're comedy relief for my entire team. Plus, I get a tax break."

U + Ur Hand

A Collaboration between Christina and Kathy

Beware: Not Ranger friendly

"Hey girl! You look like shit. What's that all in your hair? Looks like crumbs or something." Lula peered at me, trying not to get too close but trying to see what I was covered in. "What's that stuff on your shirt? Looks like jelly."

I heaved a heavy sigh as I turned over my handful of receipts to Connie. "I've got crushed cannoli shells in my hair and jelly that was supposed to be for donuts on my shirt. I tackled my last skip at the Tasty Pastry. He was buying bread for his mother and didn't want to come quietly. And someone stole my Boston Crèmes that I spent the last of my cash on while I chased him."

Lula poked a finger in the jelly and put it to her nose. "Hmph. Smells like raspberry. Now I'm hungry. I want me some raspberry filled donuts. Probably all that's left are the stale ones. Damn."

Connie looked up from writing my check. "How about we all go to that new club on Hamilton? I think the name is Casa Boogie or something like that."

"I need to shower first but I can meet you there. Give me an hour."

Lula was already planning our drink menu. "First we'll try some Cosmos, then one of those Appletinis, and I want one of those ice tea drinks and then…"

Laughing, I left the office and hurried home to shower and change into something more club appropriate, but comfortable. I did the hair thing, the makeup thing and dressed in my new pair of low-rise jeans, a belly baring crocheted tank and a pair of FMP's I'd been saving for such an occasion.

Check it out
Going out
On the late night
Looking tight
Feeling nice
It's a cock fight
I can tell
I just know
That it's going down
Tonight
At the door we don't wait cause we know them
At the bar six shots just beginning
That's when dick head put his hands on me
But you see

When I got to the club happy hour seemed to be in full swing. I found Lula and Connie sitting at a little table off the bar, drinks in hand and one waiting for me. This was exactly what I needed, a girl's night. Just me and my girls hanging out and having fun. I wished Mary Lou was here, but I knew she would never get a babysitter on such short notice.

"We decided to take turns on the rounds," Connie said, "and we get to pick the drink when it's our turn."

After several hours, and several rounds, I was pretty much feeling no pain. Lula had us in stitches, telling us stories of some of her old johns when I felt someone behind me. I saw Connie and Lula's faces turn to lust and knew who it was. Ranger. I turned around and sure enough. Ranger was here, about half way across the room. He shot me his 200 watt smile and raised his head slightly in a come hither gesture. I went back to my drink.

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight

Immediately he was there, looming over me. "Babe, I need to talk to you. Now."

"Sorry Ranger. I'm kind of busy now." I turned back to my friends only to feel a hand on my arm, stopping me. "Hey. No touchie," as I tried, unsuccessfully, to brush his hand off. "Let go! I'm here with my friends to kick back and have fun. What are you doing here anyway?"

"That's what I want to talk to you about," Ranger said in a low voice.

"Well, tell me here 'cuz I'm not giving up my seat." Ranger looked at Connie and Lula who were watching the scene like a tennis match, eyes going from Ranger to me and back.

The hand on my arm loosened, and slowly slid up to my neck to play with my hair. "Cut it out! I told you no more!" I slapped his hand away and almost fell out of my chair. "Now leave me the hell alone! Go back and play with your boys."

Midnight
I'm drunk
I don't give a fuck
Wanna dance
By myself
Guess you're outta luck
Don't touch
Back up
I'm not the one
Buh bye
Listen up it's just not happening
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight
Aiight

Several more hours, and several more rounds later, the three of us were feeling no pain. Connie had gone to the ladies room, Lula was singing away at the table and I was out on the dance floor swaying to some pop song the dj was playing. Ranger had been sitting, back to the wall, with several of his men. I didn't even care why he was here anymore.

The song ended and a depressing slower one came out of the speakers. Blah. I headed back to the table when Ranger stepped in front of me. "Let's dance." Grabbing my hand he tried to tug me back to the dance floor.

"Jesus, Ranger! What the hell is wrong with you? I said no, and I," yank, "mean," yank, "NO!" Finally he let my hand go and I stomped back to the table, my alcohol-induced high ruined.

As I left Ranger looking at me with that closed-in, pissed-off expression on his face I glanced over at his table. The men there were passing around money and high-five'ing each other like they had just won a bet or something. I looked back at Ranger and saw he was pulling out his wallet and tossing down a fist full of cash on the table while shaking his head. What the hell was that about? Were they making bets on me? One of the waitresses came up to me with a drink, telling me the big man in the corner bought it for me. My hand automatically reached for it while I was still digesting what was going on at Ranger's table.

In the corner with your boys you bet 'em five bucks
You'd get the girl that just walked in but she thinks you suck
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me yeah

You know who you are
High fivin, talking shit, but you're going home alone arentcha?

I was so pissed off that these Neanderthals would place bets on me that I stomped over to their table and threw the drink in their faces. "Hey, Ranger, how much did I cost you? Are you going to write this all off as an entertainment expense? Will you get a tax break on this?"

When the drink hit Ranger he jumped up and grabbed my arm, anger in his every move. "I think you've had enough, Babe. Time for you to go home. Tank, take Stephanie home." I wrenched my arm out of his grip for the second time that night, feeling as if I left 3 layers of skin behind. I was sure a bruise would be there in the morning.

"I don't need you to waste your manpower on me any longer, Ranger. Just leave me the hell alone. Get out of my life, stay out of my life." With that I went back to my friends and proceeded to forget all about that jackass, Ranger.

Cause I'm not here for your entertainment
No
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
It's just you and your hand

We shut the place down that night. We were about to be kicked out when Ranger had the nerve to approach me again.

"You can't drive tonight. Come home with me. I'll drop off Lula and Connie at their houses." Damn, Ranger was right. I really couldn't drive tonight, but there was no way I wanted to go home with Ranger.

I glared at him and dug for my cell. I couldn't find it so I dumped the contents of my purse on the bar and the cell was on the top of the pile. I pressed speed dial number one.

I heard a muffled, sleepy, "Hello."

"Can you come get me, Lula, and Connie? We're at Casa Boogie." I got a quick reply. "Thanks." Ranger looked at me in disbelief. I carelessly shoved the contents on the bar back into my purse and walked right past Ranger and his boys with Lula and Connie on my heels.

I'm not here for your entertainment
No no no
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
Just take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
Yeah oh

I stood outside the club, taking in great gulps of air, trying to clear my head. The alcohol was still swimming in my veins, making me feel all loopy inside. I turned in the direction of my car and everything moved in slow motion. Oops. Better not.

We sat on the curb waiting on a ride. Lula was complaining the whole time because some of the Merry Men had looked pretty good to her. Connie looked worse for the wear. Ranger had left with his male ego wounded, but I knew Tank was still in the lot watching out for us.

A car pulled up next to me. It was a real piece of crap, and not one I recognized. I closed my eyes for a moment, taking another deep breath when I felt someone in front of me. I opened my eyes then up and saw Joe squatting down with a look of concerned humor in his eyes. "Hey, Cupcake, you okay?"

"Hey, Joe," I slurred. "I think I had a little too much to drink. How about giving us girls a ride home?" I looked Joe over. His clothes were rumpled and his perpetually too long hair was on the messy side. He must have thrown on some clothes as soon as I called and came straight here.

Joe took hold of my hands and helped me to stand. With an arm around my waist he led me to the car and steered me into the passenger seat. "Where's your truck?" I asked.

Joe grimaced. "Bob got a little sick this afternoon after eating some God-awful thing in the park. Mooch is lending me his car while my truck gets cleaned." Joe shut the door and went back for Connie and Lula, who were complaining about being seen in such a piece of crap car.

My knight on his rusty steed then drove us off into the night, three damsels in distress snoring away in time with Buddy Holly playing on the radio.