Time is on Our Side
Author's Note: I had no intention of writing this, but I just wanted to understand Finn's behavior in the Valentine's Day episode. After several discussions with a friend, this was the end result. The fireworks comment bugged me, but that little smile he had when Rachel asked how it felt when he'd kissed her? Well, I wanted to explore that. So, a little moment took on a life of its own! Enjoy. I still believe that Finn and Rachel will find their way back to one another...after the writers torture us (and them) for a while! Thanks to my b, mamafenne for being amazing and holding my hand during the scenes that were hard to watch in that episode. Reviews are appreciated.
"Would you care to explain to me why you've dragged me here?" Rachel narrows her eyes, hands on hips.
Finn lets out a sigh. Sure, he could have just asked her to meet him in the auditorium, but it's not like he thought this through or anything. He saw her walking down the hall, his favorite plaid pink skirt fluttering around her legs, and the next thing he knew, his arm was reaching out in her direction. He grabbed her hand and marched down the hallway. She shrieked the entire time, demanding to know why she was being abducted.
Yeah, there was no plan here.
He just knows that he needs to talk to her. Avoiding this thing between them hadn't worked last year and it clearly isn't working now. It would be better to just get everything out there...even if he ends up sounding like a total girl. Sure, they sing together and talk in Glee, but it isn't the same. He's losing her and, yeah, okay, he made that choice. He thought that it was for the best and that she deserved better better than him. The truth was, he'd always sort of felt that way. After months of wondering why Rachel had cheated, the only thing he could come up with was he just wasn't enough for her. Then, he thought about how happy they'd been together, all of the little things that made them perfect. He's tried, but he just can't let go. Now he knows they need to talk, really talk, once and for all.
She watches him pace across the stage for a few minutes and he can tell her patience is wearing thing. "Okay, so here's the thing. I never saw fireworks when I kissed you." Finn rushes on when Rachel's face drops. "I never saw anything. It was like I was...I dunno...blind or something. Like, seriously, I couldn't see anything."
"You probably just had your eyes closed," she murmurs.
He grins slightly. "Well, yeah, but it wasn't just that. It was totally intense. I couldn't see anything, but I felt it. I heard it." She just blinks, staring at him like when he got a concussion last Summer at football camp and started naming different kinds of cheese. He sighs. She doesn't get it. Rachel always gets everything. "It was like music." His lips quirk slightly, remembering. Her eyes get wide all of the sudden, and he knows he's got her full attention. "It was never the same, not even once. It was, like, always a different song, every time. Remember when you put my iPod playlist on Shuffle and I couldn't fix it? Yeah. It was like that."
"What did you hear?" Her voice is quiet. She's never quiet, so he knows she's really paying attention. She clears her throat. "You know, the first time we kissed?"
He grimaces. He should have known she'd want, like, a total play-by-play. He wishes, not for the first time, that he were better with words. "Well, I heard drumming. It was kind of steady, at first, until you put your hand over my heart, remember? Then...it was, I don't know. When we kissed, it got really fast but it wasn't a steady rhythm. It was like...I never knew when the beats would slow down a bit and then, bam! Faster and faster." He pauses, eyes locking on hers. "I heard it, the pounding in my ears and I felt it, like my heart was going to, like, just shoot out of my chest or something. It was like my entire body was moving in time to the music in my head." He feels the heated blush cover his entire face and neck remembering exactly how in tune his body had been by the end of that kiss.
He sees perfectly straight, white teeth capture her lower lip. "Finn, I don't know why you're telling me this."
"Because you wouldn't listen when I tried to explain! I could barely keep my head up and you just assumed the worst when I didn't answer right away. Besides being sick, things were all screwed up then. I was all screwed up, so I thought maybe it was better to let it drop after you left." His fingers made tracks through his hair. He started this, and he just needed to suck it up and do it already. They have too many things that have gone unsaid between them, as it is. Besides, no matter what, he remembers their promise: no more lies. Even if it was weeks too late, he was going to tell her the truth. "I realized that if I didn't make you listen, then it would be like everything we had was, like, built on a lie or something. I just don't want you thinking that I feel less for you than I do."
"You mean did," she corrected softly.
He reaches out, letting his fingers ghost over her shoulder, brushing deliberately over the star necklace clasped around her neck. "I mean do."
She takes a steadying breath, eyes glassy. "I wish you hadn't told me that. Finn, I was moving on! Why do you do this? Whenever I try to get over you, you make it impossible. It's not fair!" With this, she stomps her tiny foot.
She is too adorable. He grins, until she shoots him The Look. God, he's missed this. These little nothing moments that add up to something. Something special. "I told you why. I just want you to know. With Quinn..." he sees her wince but continues. "After she kissed me, I started thinking, 'why not?' I thought maybe that's the way things were supposed to be, you know? I was on top again after winning the Championship, and maybe I could have my old life back. It was easy then." And, he thought, for once, he'd be the one to steal a girl away from her boyfriend, instead of the other way around. Better yet, that he was enough of a stud to get the one girl in school not already chasing after him. He shakes his head, knowing he can never actually admit that to Rachel. He knows it makes him sound like a total jerk. "I thought about last year, and how great it was being the popular couple...until it wasn't. I sort of forgot some stuff, you know? Like, how nothing made me feel really good about myself then. How Quinn always yelled at me and called me stupid. I wouldn't even let myself think about the baby. I just...let myself forget all of that for a while." He catches her eye. "It was easier to go back because I wanted to forget about everything else I was feeling."
"I don't understand how you can forgive Quinn for everything she did and Puck, too, but not me. Is it because you still love her?" Rachel asked.
"Aren't you listening?" Some things never change. Trying to get Rachel to change her mind once it's made up is like trying to wrestle a bone away from a German Shepard. "I'm not gonna lie. I already told you I felt something when we kissed, but that's thing with fireworks. They don't last." He tries to gage her reaction but she gives away nothing. "I do forgive you. I know that I screwed up, too, not telling you about Santana."
"Then why-"
"My head was totally messed up. No one has ever hurt me that much, not even Quinn! I trusted you more-loved you more-than anyone, and you did the one thing that could wreck it!" Finn took a steadying breath. "I just never thought that you would do to that to me. Ever. It just showed me that, again, stupid Finn had a girlfriend that didn't love him and was too blind to notice."
Chin trembling. "How can you even think that?"
"Why did you do it, then?" He hesitates, his voice a ghost, finally asking the one question that had been eating away at him for months. His stomach in knots, he fixes his gaze on a spot over Rachels shoulder, suddenly unable to look at her. It was like when he was a kid, with his chubby little hands clutched tightly over his eyes whenever his mom played Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory for him. Those Oompa Loompas were creepy little bastards, and he'd always thought if he could't see something, it couldn't hurt him. Some habits just stick. "I mean, I know you said you were sorry, but you never said why you did it."
He hears her sigh and feels a tug on his shirt and, suddenly, their eyes meet. "You're not the only one that was a mess, Finn. I'm not saying what I did was okay. It was reckless and hurtful, but I was crushed. Do you remember last year and how you strung me along?"
"Rach, I didn't mean-"
"But you did. Let's face it, Finn: you've cheated, too. You cheated on Quinn with me. Then, finally after everything with Puck, Quinn, and the baby, I thought we were finally together. Then, you broke my heart so you could go out with Brittany and Santana," she spits out, as though it has left a sour taste in her mouth.
Finn swallows thickly, sweat beading on his forehead. "I know. You said you forgave me, that we moved past it all."
"I did, Finn. But that doesn't mean it never happened. Those things made me have doubts about myself. Doubts about..."
"Doubts about me. About us." Shit. Had he really hurt her so badly that he screwed up her confidence?
"I thought we had gone through all of that last year and it had been worth it because we were finally together. For real. And then, I found out you lied about Santana. It killed me! She has tormented me for years and she got a part of you that I'll never have."
"Rachel, it meant nothing to me! I felt so wrong and, after, I just wished that I could take it all back! I did it in the first place because you were with Jesse and I wanted-"
"You wanted to hurt me," she finishes. She shakes her head. "I never thought you were mean," she whispers, throwing his own words back at him.
His shoulders slump. She's right and he knows it. He slept with Santana to make Rachel jealous. Isn't that why she made out with Puck? "I'm so sorry I did it. I'm even more sorry I didn't tell you the truth. I wanted to make you jealous, so I slept with her. When it was time to tell you, I was so ashamed of myself, and I didn't want to hurt you anymore. Not even a little. That's why I lied."
She raises her red eyes to meet his, head shaking in disbelief. "Did it ever occur to you that I needed to hear all of that? When Santana humiliated me in front of the entire Glee Club and told me that you'd slept with her, why couldn't you have said any of this then? Everyone knew but me! No one bothered to comfort me at all or stand up to Santana when she said no one even liked me. I needed your reassurance, Finn! Knowing you'd slept with her brought up every insecurity and doubt I've ever had about your feelings for me. And what did you say when asked why you'd slept with her and lied? That Santana was super hot and you lied because I was crazy!"
He blinks, totally horrified. Had he said that? Seriously? He barely remembers the session with Ms. Pillsbury. He was-no is-an ass. "I don't even remember that. I'm so sorry. No wonder you were so mad at me. I don't know why I couldn't tell what you needed to hear then, because it's the truth. I even said it to Santana after we, you know." Her nostrils flair. Not a good sign. "You know I'm bad with words and stuff. I should have tried harder right away. I thought you needed time to cool down before you'd listen."
She shakes her head forcefully, sniffling. "No. I just needed you."
He feels even worse than before. Sure, she broke his heart, but he had no idea how torn up she was-is-over it all. Not really. "I needed you, too. I never, ever meant to hurt you like that." He reaches out to pull her into a hug, but she takes a step back.
"Look, I don't know what this is, Finn." Rachel crosses her arms firmly over her chest. "This is a talk we should have had months ago. I'm trying to move on, but this isn't helping."
"Maybe I don't want to move on." Slowly, he reaches for her hand, hoping she won't pull away. She doesn't. "Look, all I know is that I have been so confused since we broke up. The only thing I know is that I miss you, and I'm not over you."
"Quinn?" She raises her brows in question.
"Over. We never...nothing really happened. For a while, I thought about it. We both did. Like I said, it was easy. Distracted me from thinking about you all the time." Licking his lips, he continues, knowing she's got her guard up. "Didn't last. Rachel, I don't want easy, I want you!"
She blinks. "I'm not sure whether to be insulted of flattered, Finn," her lips twitch, telling him which way she's leaning. "If you had told me all of this before..."
His heart sinks. "It's always timing with us, isn't it?"
She nods. "Yes. I think you were right. I need to focus on my career. Be by myself for a while. It wouldn't hurt you to do the same."
"Okay," He swallows, despite the lump in his throat. "I'll support you. I promise." Attempting a smile, he feels the weight of disappointment crashing down on his shoulders. "I'm your biggest fan, you know."
She sniffs and nods her head like a queen bestowing a great honor upon an unworthy subject. "I've always wanted to meet you." His lips twitch. Rachel's unyielding self-assurance is one of the things he loves most about her. Red eyes and all, he's never wanted her more. "Finn?" She licks her lips and pauses, clearly unsure whether to continue "You realize if we ever did get back together..." His stomach jolts. "You'd lose everything. When we started dating, it was different. Now, you have your popularity back. I know how much that means to you."
This is it, he knows. This moment, right here, can totally be the game changer. "I've been stuck in the middle for almost two years, trying to be popular and still be in Glee. I want both, but I only need one." He looks directly at her, making sure she understands. "It's always been you and me."
She takes a deep breath and nods. "Well, I suppose we should be friends again. Real friends," she flashes her teeth, giving him a real, if only brief, Rachel Berry smile. "For now."
For now. He can handle that. Finn loops his arm around her, yanking Rachel to his side. "You know," he begins casually. "Lately, I've kinda been in the mood to watch a musical."
She shoots him an incredulous look. "Well, I don't suppose you've seen many recently," she adds with a huff. His shoulders shake as they stroll toward the exit. "Oh, I know you, Finn Hudson!" she accuses with a sharp finger to his chest to punctuate her point. "It's been all blow-em up, beat-em down cinematic trash lately, hasn't it? Well, that will have to change immediately!" She sighs. "We made so much progress..."
"It's okay. We've still got plenty of time."