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Letter from a Stoney Brook Jail
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Schaeffer.
No, that's not right. Dawn's mother is named Spier now. Would it be awkward to write Mr. Schaeffer and Mrs. Spier? I don't want this to be even worse than it already is. This is my apology letter. My explanation. The answer to the questions they must have.
To the parents of Dawn Schaeffer.
To the parents of my angel, my winged fairy, my beautiful qeen. To the parents of my Cleopatra. My goddess, my Minerva, my Artemis, my Athena. To the parents of the one which left me a widow, left me un-whole, incomplete, a wreck. To the parents of the only person I have ever loved. The only person who made me believe in Janine Kishi. The Real Janine Kishi.
That's as far as I ever get. I don't have the words necessary to explain what I did. Because to explain that would mean explaining I did not do what everyone believes. You see, there are two Janine Kishis. For as long as I could remember, two sentient beings inhabited my body. One is me: the Real Janine. The other I call the Janine Inside.
The Real Janine is smart, kind, a little shy and quiet. She's the one who tutors disadvantaged youth at the middle school in the afternoons. She likes computers, long walks and spending time with family and friends.
But Janine Inside? Janine Inside is a bit different. She's smart, yes, but uses it for purposes only to benefit the Inside. She's so far from kind it's not even funny. Well, Janine Inside actually finds it funny. And tutoring those disadvantaged youth? Just a cover for watching Dawn. My beautiful, beautiful lily of the sea.
Janine Inside and I fought almost all of my youth. She would push another girl at school and I'd have to cover it up. She would steal things and I would have to make up stories (really, Claudia, you believed I was stealing your clothes for a new boyfriend?). We were adversaries, Janine Inside and I. We would never be on the same team, I vowed. When she emerged, I would beat her back down. When she talked, I wouldn't listen. There was nothing to unite us.
And then she strolled into our house, blonde hair flowing down her back and that California Casual style exuding from her flawless pores. We both wanted her. We gazed with desire through the same pair of almond-shaped eyes. Janine Inside had never had anything with which to tempt me into being her servant but when she told me she knew how to get Dawn… I listened.
So this is where we've ended up. In the Stoney Brook County Jail. I plead guilty. They said I could have pled insanity but I just smiled sadly when they did. I'm probably the sanest person out there. I've had to be over the years...To beat back an insane part of your inside, you've got to become more than sane. Ubersane? No, no. I had to admit what my body had done. Someone had to punish Janine Inside. It's clear I no longer could.
Listen to me! I'm not even thinking about Dawn. Sometimes I do that...I can go for whole minutes without thinking about her. But something always brings her back. Maybe it's the scent of her shampoo (rosemary and mint) or maybe it's the way the fried eggs at the prison cafeteria glisten up at me...Just like her big eyes.
Dawn. That's right. The letter. I have to write the letter. I have to begin my penance.
To the parents of Dawn Schaeffer, I write. I am so sorry.
But I'm not. Janine inside awakens whenever I feel remorse. She whispers to me in her ghoulish, brutish voice. I will never be sorry.
You should be! I want to scream at her. But what happened was an accident. Was it? It felt like an accident? I was just holding Dawn too tightly, trying to hold onto her and then she was gone. Was it an accident? Or did the Janine Inside know how life-crushing my grip was? Did she know? It doesn't matter. She meant to kill Mallory. Mallory was an innocent. Mallory was worthless. No one liked Mallory.
No human life is worthless. Except mine.
This is not the way I thought my life would go. I thought that maybe if Janine Inside and I worked together on something good, something pure...Maybe we would finally come together as one. The way we were meant to be. Janine Inside would become good and kind and the Real Janine would just be a little more abrasive and self confident.
But that's not what happened. Janine Inside proved herself stronger. Stronger than the Real Janine...But what does that mean? Who is real?
A year ago, before I came to live in this cell forever, I would have told you what real is. I would have told you about science and atoms and chemicals and matter and molecules. Those were real. But now I know too much about what is real. The worst part of being in here is that I have to let Janine Inside out to survive.
You could never survive, she sneers. It's true. When I first get here, the other women knew the Real Janine was a weakling. It wasn't until I let Janine Inside take care of one of their gang members that they backed off. They wanted me to do terrible things with them. They wanted to make me do things I could only do with my true love, Dawn. They wanted me to betray her.
And I took care of them, didn't I? Janine Inside sings arrogantly. I love Dawn more than you. I am her champion.
"NO!" I shout, the yell echoing out in the prison. I pick up the pen, intent to write my confession. I will prove I am Dawn's champion through my goodness.
I know there is nothing I can say which would repair the harm that has been caused. Dawn was like a beautiful compact fluorescent bulb, snuffed out before the long, eco-friendly life she deserved. I was the vessel which caused this harm. I am sorry. I am sorry for what my body has done.
Was I hedging too much? I tried to separate myself from the terrible things Janine Inside did but weren't we the same being, the same body? Sure, I needed to acknowledge our duality to survive but would that matter to Dawn's parents? To her little brother? To her friends? My sister? What did it matter to them that the body of the monster and murderer was overcrowded? Why would they care?
The end result was the same. Janine Kishi murdered Mallory Pike and then cannibalized the body of her true love, Dawn Schaeffer. It's a gruesome headline. Why would they care about my rationalizations and justifications and the subtle nuance of it all?
They don't, Janine inside gloats. No one cares about you but me.
I stare blankly at the bare concrete wall of my cell. I can't let Janine Inside win. I must try to stand strong and right the wrongs she did, even if no one wants me to...Just like the time that she broke into Claudia's room and ate all of her Ring Dings. I bought her new ones, didn't I? That proves that the Real Janine wants justice. Justice. How can the Real Janine get justice for everyone that the other one has touched. How?
If only I could think without Janine Inside hearing my every thought. I could plan something. I could tell someone everything. This letter is a fool's errand. Janine Inside will tear it apart long before I send it. The same way she strangles my voice when I try to tell the parade of prison psychologists about her. She is in hiding and it will stay that way. How can you defeat your enemy when they know all your plans in advance?
Peaches and Russ gave me a collection of classic literature for my birthday this year. I knew it wasn't just to pass the time. Mom and Dad were convinced that pushing me to achieve so much had led to my psychosis. If Claudia thought her art was ignored before, well, let's say that expressing yourself in our house is now as prestigious as going to college in high school. Claudia is queen while I've been reduced to a court jester.
NO! I tell myself. Be happy for your sister. Your pettiness sounds like Janine Inside. That's how she gets you.
But the books. There's one in it that Janine Inside loves to read. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It's our story, she says. But has she read how it ends? Maybe that is my answer.
I think about all the things that I love. The way my little sister used to take my hand when we ice skated. The taste of Mimi's special tea. The rightness of a mathematical proof. Can I really leave all that behind? But then I think of another thing that I love...The silk of Dawn's hair. The moonlight blue of her eyes. What did she love? What other will Janine Inside take away from other people if I'm not strong?
I realize that I have to be strong for the first time in my life. Oh, I've fought Janine Inside and even now, I can feel her listening in...Waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. But this is my time to shine. To show Janine Inside once and for all who the Real Janine is.
The Real Janine is brave and honorable. She is not above sacrifice. The last lines of Robert Louis' Stevenson's finest work haunt me. God knows I am careless; this is my true hour of death, and what is to follow concerns another than myself. Here then, as lay down the pen and proceed to seal up my confession, I bring the life of that unhappy Henry Jekyll to an end.
Jekyll worried that Hyde would escape in the last moment. The Janine Inside might as well. She is strong. I must not underestimate her. It is worth the risk. Even if I fail, perhaps she will finally win and I won't have to watch her destroy and eviscerate. Yes, my courage is equal to my cowardice.
It was easy once I decided to do it. To be honest, I felt more alive than I had in years, planning my death. The math filled me as I looked at all the pipes on my ceiling. Which one could support the most weight? I calculated width. How much rope would I need? Yes, I thought my shoe laces would suffice. The length of the drop would be just enough to… yes. Yes, this could be done.
Janine Inside was eerily silent. Perhaps she agreed. Perhaps she knew it was time. Perhaps she felt this prison caged her evil so much that she had no reason to live.
I don't know. I've never claimed to understand the Janine Inside.
I waited until evening and then slowly, inch by silent inch, pulled my chair over under my chosen pipe. I threw the laces up and looped them around. The hard part was next. I pull the loop tight and jumped, grabbing the pipe with both hands. I was dangling. Carefully, still holding with one hand, I slid the noose over my neck.
And then I let go.
The laces broke. My math was wrong. It didn't work. I survived. We both survived.
Janine Inside cackled. I was always the brains. You were never good enough or smart enough without me.
I collapse on the floor, feeling sobs choke out of me. There's nothing more to do. There is nowhere to go. I can never escape.
We're nothing without each other, Janine Inside says, sounding strangely affectionate. I could never let you go. I'm not whole without you.
The guards notice my cries and I hear footsteps approach. I cough and gasp as my body is wracked with pain. Tears cover my face, mucous runs from my noise.
Together forever, Janine Inside promises. Together forever.