A/N: Twilighters, don't kill me. Also, the first bit is literally taken from part of Eclipse. The good part is the part I made up. Kthxbye.
Disclaimer: Fortunately, I don't own the Twilight series!
How Eclipse Should Have Ended
My truck was positively wheezing by the time it grated to a stop in front of the familiar faded red house. The lump came back to my throat as I stared at the little place that had once been my refuge. It had been so long since I'd been here.
Before I could cut the engine, Jacob was standing in the door, his face blank with shock.
In the sudden silence when the truck-roar died, I heard him gasp.
"Bella?"
"Hey, Jake!"
"Bella!" he yelled back, and the smile I'd been waiting for stretched across his face like the sun breaking free of the clouds. His teeth gleamed bright against his russet skin. "I can't believe it!"
He ran to the truck and half-yanked me through the open door, and then I realized something. He wasn't smiling. He was baring his teeth. Had I misinterpreted his yelling to mean he was happy to see me, when he was really raging mad?
"Guess what?" I burst, decidedly ignoring this strange sensation. "I snuck out! Isn't that awesome?"
"Oh, it's just great!" Jacob half-roared. "You know how great I think that is?"
And he flipped me the bird.
I started to hyperventilate. What? What was going on? Why was this happening? I had done nothing wrong to him! I didn't deserve this! Why would he do such a horrible thing?
"Go back and join your bloodsucker, you little twerp," Jacob told me before whirling around and stomping off. "I'm gonna go find some other chick to fall for, and it won't be your terribly-named half-vampire baby because contrary to popular belief, I'm not a pedo!"
"What?" I wailed. It started to rain randomly. "Why are you doing this, Jake?"
"GET THE HELL OUT, ISABELLA! YOU ARE SUCH A USING BITCH!"
I began to cry. "Why, Jacob?" I sobbed as I collapsed into my truck. "Why would you tell me these terrible things?"
"BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY CHARACTER IN THIS SERIES WITH ENOUGH SENSE TO POSSIBLY BECOME SOME KIND OF GOOD CHARACTER THAT IS NOT CLICHÉ AND REFUSES TO FAWN OVER THE MARY SUE MAIN CHARACTER! GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"
I wept dramatically as I zoomed away in my miraculously faster truck. I could feel an entire plot slipping through my fingers. Why did Jacob have to go the right way and not follow his script!
Well, at least he was saving readers from a world of pain.
(Read: Well, at least he was saving readers from the rest of Eclipse and half of Breaking Dawn.)