Fear
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
Summary: A reconnaissance mission goes very wrong and Clarice is forced to face her fears like never before. John has to deal with the fall-out… that is if he can find Clarice first. Established ThunderBlink
I'm here to board the ship. Sorry if they feel OOC but I'm still feeling my way around these characters.
John was feeling edgy. Rubbing his eyes, he let out a frustrated sigh and pushed away from the desk. There was no point in pretending to be working. He just couldn't concentrate. Feeling trapped in the dark old building, he made his way downstairs to get some fresh air.
His palms itched.
Suddenly, his thought shifted to Clarice and his stomach clenched. Did something happen to her? Did the mission go wrong?
That couldn't be, he shook his head, pushing the doors open.
She'd just gone out with Harry and Lauren to do some reconnaissance.
They had got some intel on a girl living on the streets in Downtown but, for some reasons, she was hard to actually make contact with. The team's task was to monitor her in order for them to be able to determine the best way to approach her.
Then again, his instincts were never wrong, especially when it came to Clarice.
Something was wrong.
His eyes darted around as soon as he stepped outside. His senses worked overtime as he searched for any sign of the returning team. As on cue, the tell-tale sizzle of Clarice's portals could be heard some distance away.
He made his way towards the noise at a jog, his heart drumming in his ears.
Something was wrong!
He stopped short when three figures came into view and grimaced when he realized that neither of them was Clarice.
He jogged up to the little group. They looked just as baffled by their comrade's absence as he felt.
"What happened? Where is Clarice?" John boomed on his way to them.
"She was here," Lauren stuttered looking into the direction they had come from. "She opened the portal," she vaguely gestured with her hand. "She was right here."
"What the hell happened?" John thundered impatiently.
"I don't know, man," Harry offered, running a hand through his hair. "She should be right behind us…" He trailed away. "Unless…"
"Unless WHAT?"
Lauren took in a sharp breath. John's head snapped into her direction, noticing for the first time the third member of the group… the member who should have been Clarice. There was a little girl clinging to Lauren's hand, covering behind her.
He panicked – there was no better word for it – as the implication of the girl's presence sunk in.
There was something very wrong.
His question, though, died on his suddenly dry lips.
"They were looking for her," Harry supplied, indicating the girl. "We had no choice but…"
"But what?" John turned on him. "Going up against Sentinel Services?" Rationally, he knew that there was no member of the Underground who would have done otherwise but, still, he wasn't really thinking straight at the moment. Clarice was missing, dammit!
"Yeah." It was Lauren who dared to take a stance against his panicked rage. "We couldn't just stand by and watch her being taken. And you wouldn't have wanted us, either."
That took the wind out of his sails and he sighed defeated.
"Tell me everything."
Clarice and Lauren shared a wide-eyed look as Sentinel Services pulled up in front of the alley the little girl was hiding in. Harry was cursing behind them.
"We have to do something," Clarice hissed.
"What?" Harry asked. "We're no match for those guys.
"Neither is the girl," Clarice pointed out. "If we do nothing, they'll take her."
"I have an idea," Lauren shared and they quickly agreed on their strategy. Clarice was positive that it could actually work.
Harry sneaked away to create distraction while Lauren and Clarice went after the girl. With substantially lesser firepower (thanks to Harry) but they were made, though, so Clarice ran ahead while Lauren provided a shield for them, Harry joining her not long after.
As Clarice made her way through the narrow alleyways, she wondered what she'd find. She felt apprehensive in the dark. The girl had powers, that one was for sure, but they had no idea what. She just hoped she was not one of those reptilian shapeshifter mutants. She actually chuckled at the ridiculousness of that thought as she caught sight of the girl taking cover behind a dumpster.
She slowed her steps and approached carefully.
"Hey there," she called out as she approached the girl. She fought an unnatural urge to flee which was absurd. It was just a little girl, not older than twelve as far as she could tell. "I'm Clarice," she gave her an encouraging smile as she was still approaching her. "Don't be afraid, I'm not here to hurt you."
As she crouched to look into the space between the dumpster and the wall, she felt anxiety rise in her with such force that she'd lost balance for a moment. "Wow," she breathed, steadying herself as uninvited and deeply buried thoughts began swirling in her head. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to push those thoughts away. She had to help the girl she had no time for her ridiculous fears, however crippling they felt.
When her focus finally returned, Clarice realized that the girl had crawled closer and was looking at her searchingly. She seemed to have realized that Clarice was meaning no harm so she reached out a hand for her.
"Come on," she said. "We have to go now."
Without further protest the girl nodded and took her hand. Clarice smiled but the small hand in hers made her stop for a moment. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she had to shake her head to get rid of images she didn't want to deal with at the moment.
"Let's go." She pulled the girl to her feet and they started running. "Let's get out of here," she called out to her friends as she started to look for a good place to open a portal.
They ended up in an abandoned basement with Sentinel Services right on their heels.
"Hey," Clarice leant down to be on eye level with the girl. "This is my friend, Lauren. Hold on to her hand while I'm finding a way out of here, okay?" With her free hand, the girl grabbed onto Lauren's hand but she kept her hold on Clarice's as well. "It's okay," she tucked a lock of hair behind the girl's ear, all the while fighting the urge to tear her other hand from her grip and get away from her. She was such a perfect thing with auburn locks and deep brown eyes.
Unbidden, an image popped into her mind about a little girl of her own image… with magenta locks and unnatural green eyes. A freak just like her.
She wanted to scream.
"I'm sorry." The girl's voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she looked at her uncomprehendingly. She didn't dwell on her meaning, though, as their pursuers were banging down the door Harry had just barricaded.
This time, she did tear her hand free and tried to clear her head to open a portal.
Purple light filled the dark room in seconds and she watched as the others stepped through the portal. She could not move, though.
A pointy-eared, green-eyed girl's image filled her mind and she could feel her concentration break. She thought of John. Tried to refocus.
As the portal flickered, John's image appeared in front of her… and the girl with green eyes… their daughter… and the look in John's eyes… it broke her heart.
The portal closed with a final electronic snap and Clarice looked wide-eyed at the door Sentinel Services had just broken down.
He hated being helpless.
He knew that if it had been anybody else, he'd be out there tracking their movements. But as it stood, it was Clarice. The only person he knew, who was able to outsmart him when it came to his tracking abilities. The woman who had thrown him completely off the moment they had first met.
She infuriated him… she baffled him…
She amazed him.
She loved him.
He shook his head, forcing him to concentrate. Dwelling on his loss and pain would not help find her.
He wondered what could.
He'd been wondering a lot of things ever since her absence was realized.
John, Harry and Marcos had gone back to the alley where the others had last seen her. Sentinel Services was still patrolling the area so they lurked in the background. John, however, didn't need more for realizing that Clarice had not been taken by Sentinel Services.
There was simply no trace of her.
It was a relief but it posed more questions than John dared to ask.
Looking into the darkness that surrounded the HQ, John was still pondering those unsettling questions.
If she had managed to open a portal before Sentinel Services would have captured her, why hadn't she teleported home yet? Why hadn't she followed the others at the first place? Was she injured? Had she overtaxed herself? In that case, though, she would have only been able to open a portal in short distance and he could have sensed her. Had she exhausted herself with her second portal? Was she lying somewhere unconscious just outside his range? The thought of that made him growl.
Where are you Clarice?
"John." Marcos appeared behind him. "You should come in. We found something out."
"What is it?" he asked already moving.
"It's the girl. You know how we could not get a handle on her abilities?" John nodded. "She's a telepath."
"Isn't she too young for that kind of power to manifest itself?"
"Well, it did. And she uses it quite aptly… even though she can't really understand what's going on."
"What happened?" John stopped to look at his friend. Telepathic abilities were a dangerous thing to play with.
"Come," Marcos sighed then walked up to the others.
"I am sorry," the little girl cried as soon as she laid eyes on John. "I didn't mean to. I was just so scared. I didn't mean to."
The sight of the little girl in such distress broke his heart. He slowly made his way to her and crouched down in front of her small frame. Lauren and Caitlin were trying to silently comfort her.
"Just tell me what happened."
"They were chasing me… the scary men. I just wanted to scare them… to not chase me anymore. But she found me first. I made her scared." And then she began to cry again. Seeing that he would not get anything more out of her, John stood and looked at the others for explanation.
"I guess," Lorna started with uncharacteristic hesitation, "she tried to make her… the scary men," she corrected herself, "afraid of her… or the place… something. But instead, she made her fears surface with a force…"
"Her fears…" John pondered. "So, she is scared. But that doesn't make sense. She would have come to me." Lorna averted her eyes and the gesture broke something in him.
For a moment, John was staring at her uncomprehendingly, then her meaning downed her.
Silence settled on the room which made it clear for him that his friends were all thinking the same. They couldn't think that… "No," he breathed unable to believe the idea that had just taken form in his brain. "No."
"You know more than anybody how unsure she still is of the people around her," Marcos tried.
"I refuse to believe that," John was quick to stop him. "You're right, I know her… and she knows me. None of you have the faintest idea what you're talking about." And with that, he left the room.
He stopped outside just by the stairs and took a deep breath. His hands were shaking. He flexed his fingers a couple of times before balling one hand into a fist and pressing it into his other palm.
They had no idea, he thought as he closed his eyes willing the tension in his body to ebb. He knew everything about Clarice's insecurities. And Clarice knew that he loved every little fault she'd found in herself. He loved her the way she was. He was sure she wouldn't be with him if she thought otherwise.
Just as he was sure that she'd never run from him for any reason.
"She has a baby in her tummy." The girl's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
"What?" he asked taken aback.
"That's why she is scared," she continued unfazed. "It is scary."
"A baby?" The girl nodded and a small smile crept on his face.
"John? What is a freak? It sounds bad."
"Where did you hear that?"
"In Clarice's head."
John winced.
And suddenly it all became clear…
Oh, Clarice…
As Clarice heaved up that meager amount of food she had managed to eat for lunch, she whimpered. She hardly had any energy left for anything more. Wiping her mouth, she leant against a tree and closed her eyes. She could feel the cooling air of the approaching evening on her damp cheeks.
God, she hoped she hadn't hurt the baby by exerting herself so much. She'd been so careful ever since she found out about her pregnancy. She was still testing her boundaries by opening portals in great distances and now she had done it again. She didn't even know where she exactly was. Somewhere near an Interstate, she guessed. What was important that she was too far away for John to find her. For some reason, she dreaded to face him.
She had to press her hands against her stomach to stop them from shaking.
She needed some time to think.
She needed to pull herself together.
She needed John.
God, something was seriously wrong with her.
Seeing that little girl reminded her of the children she could have with John. Such a beautiful child.
You are so beautiful…
But she remembered the face she saw in the mirror day after day: the pointy ears she was always trying to hide and those eyes…
Your eyes. It was your eyes I saw first. I fell in love with them…
What would John think about such a child?
Why are you always hiding your ears? They are cute…
Would he resent her for it?
She knew she would love that child no matter what but when she recalled the looks she'd always been given, she couldn't deny the fact that people like her were often looked at strangely even among their own kind.
She pressed her hands against her eyes and let out a frustrated growl.
What was wrong with her?
This wasn't her.
This hot mess of nerves and irrational thoughts that crippled her.
In her life, she'd had her fair share of self-doubt and fears but she never panicked. Well… if she wanted to be completely honest, she might have possibly panicked a little when she realized she might be pregnant…
Well, she panicked, no point in denying that.
But not this way.
She did not thought about running away from John. Never that.
She loved him. She trusted him.
She had to find him and talk to him.
Determination gave her strength to pull herself up from the ground. And although she did not have the strength to open a portal, she didn't need to, either. She only needed to get a little bit closer.
John would find her.
She started to walk.
Night had been already falling but Clarice kept walking. After the first sign that had told her she was going in the right direction, she did not pay much attention to anything. All she was concentrating on was to put one foot after the other. Everything in her screamed to turn around… to protect herself from disappointment and rejection but she forced those thoughts away. Her temples were throbbing and her whole body shook with nerves and exhaustion.
But she kept going.
She had to keep going because the moment she stopped, she'd give in to her fears.
She was stronger than that.
She stopped when she caught sight of John and when he walked up to her, she fell against him weakly.
She could feel him catch her in his arms and she took in a shaky breath.
"What's happening to me?" she breathed into his chest.
"It's all right, Clarice. Everything will be all right."
"I couldn't go home. I can't explain it but… I just couldn't." She suddenly froze then pushed away from him enough to look into his eyes. "I have to tell you something." Her voice was urgent. John nodded. She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."
John seemed a lot less surprised than she had expected him to be but she was too preoccupied to pay it more attention. She fixed her eyes on his chest, missing the grin that appeared on his face, then closed her eyes. "And I am terrified."
"Look at me, Clarice," she felt John gently nudge her cheek. She complied. "You have every right to be."
"Not this way," she shook her head. "Not about the things I am terrified about."
"What are they? Those things you're terrified of?"
Clarice bowed her head in shame.
"You are afraid that she would look like you." She pressed her eyes shut. "You are afraid how other people will react to that… that they won't accept her… that I won't accept her." His voice became so soft by the end that it twisted her heart. She could feel his arms tighten around her again and she burrowed herself into his embrace.
"I'm so sorry," she mumbled. "I don't know what came over me."
"It's the girl you saved," John started to explain and Clarice frowned. "It turns out she's a telepath. She projected fear to save herself. She had no idea you hadn't meant any harm."
"I had some weird idea when I was following her," Clarice mused as she left John's embrace. "But those were ridiculous. What I felt when I…" She stopped and looked at John with wide eyes. "It hit me when I reached her."
"We think she used your fears and amplified them."
"My fears…"
"Hey," John demanded her attention before she would have succumbed to panic once again. "Nobody holds it against you. Especially not me."
"But I ran from you… something I promised I'd never do."
"And what did I say when you promised that?" His smile was so achingly loving.
"That you'd always find me anyway," she let a small smile creep on her face for the first time since their conversation started. John smiled in return.
"I'd say we are good then, huh?" Now, he turned teasing.
"You know that I did let you find me," Clarice told him with bemusement in her voice, which made John's smile turn into a grin.
"And now you're proving my point. You did let me to find you. In my book, that does not qualify as running."
"John Proudstar, you are twisting my words."
"Does it work?"
"I do feel better," she gave him a grateful smile before turning serious once again. "But it does not change the fact that these fears are mine. Maybe not with such intensity as I'm experiencing them now but they are mine. I'm so sorry."
"Hey," John hushed her as he pulled her to a nearby bench which he straddled. "Talk to me," he asked her as he pulled her between her knees, pressing her back against his chest. "Tell me what you're scared of. What you are really scared of."
"The future," she supplied, pulling his arms around her. "What kind of life can we give to this child? She will be different… and it's not an easy life for a kid… or an adult."
"No, it's not." John kissed the top of her head. "You lived that life. I cannot argue with that. But think about it this way: if you've never been born… or were born normal… we would have never met. And I can't imagine my life without you."
"I can't, either."
"I can't predict the future, Clarice, but I can promise you one thing: that kid will be loved no matter what. She can have two heads and three eyes and I will love her and do everything in my power to know her happy… and she will know that."
"I love you," she said on the verge of crying, feeling completely pathetic. This whole mind-altering had reduced her into a crying mess, she pondered as they settled into a companionable silence.
How she wished people would stop screwing with her mind!
"So," she spoke up after a little while. "You think it's a 'she'."
"You said it's a 'she'," he threw it back at her.
"I did, didn't I?" She chuckled amused. "I think it's because of the girl. Honestly, I have never contemplated the possibility of having kids, so… I think I have no preferences. You?"
"As I said. No matter what, I will love her… or him."
"I do sense a little partiality there," she teased him, turning slightly in his arms.
John shrugged. "You can't deny that a little girl with those ears of yours would be impossibly cute."
"You're insufferable." Clarice shook her head with a self-conscious smile. His fascination with her ears was something she'd never understand.
"I have to be," he shrugged. "You're stubborn like a mule."
He quickly kissed away her indignation, then pulled them up from the bench.
"Ready to go home?"
"Yeah," she reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Let's go home."
THE END
Wow, this whole scenario seemed more plausible in my head than it seems now that it is written down. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!