Hey guys ;)

I had the idea to write this kind of story a while ago, so I gave it a go... I hope you like it at least a little bit ;)
Enjoy,
Sarah X

Arizona:

„Apparently I lost you…"

I couldn't get her words out of my head. They've been stuck up there since our argument at the hospital no matter how much alcohol I put in my body or how many hours I sleep, they are the first thing I think of, every single time I wake up. And then I feel it. The pain. The guilt. They are the only thing left inside of me. I died when Callie walked out of the on-call room. No, that's not right, and now is finally the time to admit it. I died when I woke up with only one leg left.

I tried to come back, I really did, and I think I succeeded, until something inside me died, no metaphor this time. I stopped feeling anything, and I felt like I wasn't capable of anything, everything ended up as a huge disaster. Until she came along, she made me feel alive and she gave me the feeling that I was actually worth something. I mean, don't get me wrong, Callie did too, but it was something different. And after all, it was her who made me lose my leg…

I know that this is no excuse at all for what I did, but it's not like it came out of nowhere…

She didn't lose me though; I lost her, because of this one moment, where I gave in to all the hurt and anger that I was dealing with all this time. It wasn't me who slept with Lauren , it was the angry and desperate amputee who just had a miscarriage… All I want is to show Callie that I'm back for good though. I am so, so sorry. This must be the worst pain of all, to know that you lost the love of your life and you can't do anything about it.

I was lying in my hotel room, trying to figure out a plan on how I could possibly save my marriage and get the love of my life back, because no matter what, I made a promise, in front of Bailey and all the others, in good and in bad times. Well, this clearly are bad times but I won't give up. I can't live without Callie and Sofia.

"You'll just try and talk to her, she's still your wife, she can't leave you just like that. You'll make her listen to you and explain it to her once again. You love her after all, and this is the most important thing."

I needed to talk to myself in order to prevent me from going insane or having a complete breakdown. I know I can't keep feeling this miserable, but it's so much easier than facing the truth that this is the price I pay for one single hour with Lauren. I'd give my life to turn back the time.

"Come on Arizona, now is it not the time for self-pitying. You need to work out what to say to Callie if you want her to listen to you instead of shutting another door in your face. "

After almost two hours of figuring out what to say, I fall asleep with Callie on my mind…

Callie:

"I trusted you more than anyone…"

Her words were everywhere. When I was lying in bed, before I had to get up, when I was taking Sofia to day care, when I was in the OR fixing someone's pelvis, when I was feeding Sofia after work or when I was crying myself to sleep, like I've been doing it for the last two weeks now.

I still can't believe how she was able to do something like that. How my sweet, caring Arizona could cheat on me. It hurts so much, I can't even describe it. It's the worst pain of all, to know that you lost the most important person in your life, and you can't really do anything about it.

And this time, it hurts even more. I mean it was also horrible when George cheated on me, but he wasn't the love of my life. Arizona was. George wasn't a parent. Arizona was. George wasn't really in love with me. Arizona was, at least before the plane crash. It seems like my wife, soul mate and best friend left at the moment, Arizona's leg was completely cut off… Because of me. Maybe I deserve all this. Maybe this is god's way of punishing me for breaking my promises. Promises I shouldn't have ever made. Isn't it one of the first things you learn in med-school, to NOT make any promises to your patients? How could I have been so stupid? 'Love makes you blind', isn't that what people say

But why can't she see that I only did to save her fucking life?! Why does she only see that I made her loose a leg? Why is it so hard for her to forgive me (for saving her life)?

I mean I know how hard it is to forgive, and even though there's nothing in this world I'd like more to do than forgiving her for her "sleep over" in the on-call room with that Lauren Boswell, I am nowhere near that. 'I trusted you more than anybody in my life', the same goes for her. I would have done anything for her, without a second of hesitation, and to be honest, I'd still do, because you can't just turn off your feelings, and I am afraid I never will, she is the person I'm supposed to love forever. I promised that at our wedding. So now I have to find a way to repress my feelings for her and to forget all the pain as well… I already it's going to be a long, difficult and very, very painful route…

It was time to go to bed, so after bringing Sofia to bed, I hopped into bed and after a fair amount of shared tears, I fell asleep, with Arizona on my mind…