Chapter One
"You're not leaving."
"Look, we both know-"
"I won't accept this. I do not accept this."
"You don't have a choice, Caroline. You can't force me to stay. It's done. That's the end of it."
"You're making the wrong decision."
"I'm not. You know I'm not."
"You're being totally short-sighted, you obviously haven't thought this through. You could be deputy head in a few years! Head of department sooner than that, all the staff think you're wonderful, the children love you-"
"The children?" Kate says quietly.
A thin film of perspiration starts to form in the small of her back, in the palms of her hands. The light in her office seems much brighter than usual, the sunlight dazzling; everything in the room looks a little out of place.
"I'm not accepting your resignation. I'll tear it up."
"Don't be ridiculous."
"I mean it. I will."
Kate just sighs and takes a few steps towards the window.
"I have to go, Caroline. You know I do. I can't stay here."
"I'm your boss and you'll stay if I tell you to."
She doesn't reply.
"You're not leaving here. I won't have it." She's starting to feel sick.
"For God's sake. You're not the boss of the whole world."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Can we at least stop pretending that you want me to stay because you're concerned about my precious career?"
"One of us has to be, you've apparently mislaid your common sense. Leaving before the end of the academic year is a cardinal sin and you know it, you know that, it's a blot on your teaching record for the rest of your career! You're obviously not thinking clearly and someone needs to point that out to you, someone needs to talk some sense into you and if that needs to be me then so be it."
"You're the one who's not thinking clearly."
"You are going to ruin your career, you're leaving your pupils in the lurch and the school in a mess and you don't seem to give a damn and you're wondering why the hell I'm upset."
"I know why you're upset."
"I'm going to talk to the deputy heads, if you won't listen to me then you'll listen to them, surely. You've taken leave of your senses. You need to be told, Kate!"
"If you call them I'll tell them exactly why I'm going. Calm down, Caroline. Stop shouting at me and please calm down."
"Calm down? You're telling me to bloody calm down?"
"Yes! I am. You're panicking and I wish you'd stop, it's not helping. You can't possibly imagine that this is easy for me and you're really not helping. I could use your support, right now. I really could."
The catch in her voice brings her up short. She's staring out of the window, her back to the room, her forehead resting gently against the glass. Her shoulders are hunched and she's holding herself tightly around her stomach.
Caroline joins her by the window, standing next to her in silence. A few minutes pass as they watch the trees and listen to the quiet sounds of the late afternoon. The peace is almost surreal.
"Tell me something," she says softly. "Tell me something about you. Something personal, that no-one else knows."
Kate doesn't move. Doesn't look at her. She thinks that she's not going to answer, but then finally she speaks.
"When I was 15 I kissed the girl next door."
"Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"What was it like?"
"Brief. She probably doesn't even remember it, it was just a quick peck on the lips. Last I heard she married a builder."
"But you remember it."
"Yes. I do."
She thinks of her own first kiss. The excitement of it, the thrill, the electric, intoxicating thrill. And the fear. The ubiquitous fear.
"Tell me something about you," Kate says.
She thinks about her life. Her secrets. That's so little to choose from, so little that's personal and real. One secret the size of the sun and a thousand and one ordinary nothings.
"The night before I married John he wrote me a letter. It was about how he felt about me and how he saw our lives together, all of his hopes and dreams for the future. I didn't feel much, reading it, but when I went to sleep that night I remember thinking how pleased I was that I had found him, because he clearly cared about me more than I cared about him and that made me feel safe."
Kate turns to face her; she can feel her gaze like a touch.
"Caroline-"
"Please don't go," she whispers.
She hears her take a sharp breath and it's 30 seconds at least before she replies.
"I can't break up a family, Caroline," she says, her voice tight with strain. "I would never forgive myself. You would never forgive yourself, and you'd never forgive me. We'd end up hating each other and I can't bear that. I can't bear it."
"We can be friends. Nothing's happened, we'll carry on as friends and-"
"And I'll kiss you, like I wanted to, like I always want to, like we almost did the other day. I'll touch you when we're alone, I'll wrap my arms around you because I haven't seen you for an hour and I miss you so much I can't help myself. Nothing's happened yet but it will. So I have to go."
It sounds like she's crying now but she can't bring herself to look. The nausea in her body has turned to stone; now she's just numb.
"I'll write you a terrible reference. They won't take you, after that. No-one will ever hire you."
She can feel her eyes on her again, and then a tender hand is caressing her face.
"OK," she says. "You do that. But I still have to go."
There's a quick, soft kiss on her cheek and then she's gone before she can even draw breath.