The Other Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
It is now widely known that the Earth was demolished one Thursday at English teatime for the construction of a hyperspace bypass. It is also widely known that there were just two survivors of this unfortunate cataclysmic event. The stories of Arthur Dent's bumbellings have turned into well-known fables about the human (and life) condition. His stories, and of course those of Ford Prefect, Trillian, and Zaphod Beeblebrox have become legend in modern times.
However, much less is known about the other two survivors of the stupid catastrophe that took place that terrible Thursday. The story of these two survivors were not chronlized in the Hitchhiker's Guide simply because the narrator did not know about it. The "first and a half" book of the Hitchhiker's Trilogy has fallen into a cultural time well, disappearing forever from our imaginations.
But now the book has fallen out of a time well someplace else in the universe and the story is now being told again. The missing middling book of the Hitchhiker's Guide is coming back to the known universe from the reaches of the unknown.
The other two survivors lived on this insufficient blue speck in the unattractive western spiral arm of the galaxy as well. That means, in a cosmic sense at least, these two were next-door neighbors to the other two survivors of the planet's destruction. Still, as the course of time worked out, these people never got to meet each other.
These other two survivors lived a on the other side of a beautiful and conveniently wide ocean, one in which the dolphins had been building their secret method of leaving Earth, for they knew of it's impending destruction. These other two survivors lived on the continent of America, in the national entity known as the United States, in an utterly congested and anti-social region known as the American Northeast, and in a Little insignificant college town known as Kutztown.
It was in this little insignificant town that our two survivors lived. The Little town was highlighted by a chicken-faced clock tower that stood out pompously to the cow pastures for miles around the countryside. The lights of Kutztown rose into the mist at night as a gentle yellow glow.
One interesting yet insignificant parallel between the town of Kutztown and the town where Arthur Dent lived is that there was also a bypass. The road that made up the bypass carried cars that screamed by on their way from Allentown to Reading, and in the other direction carried cars that screamed by on their way from Reading to Allentown. Of course, Kutztown had the quandary of being almost exactly between the two cities and motorists hell-bent on getting to either Allentown or Reading from Reading or Allentown had to slow to an annoyingly safe rate to transverse through the town of Kutztown. Eventually everyone got fed up with it and they built a bypass, and everyone seemed happy for the moment.
However, this bypass was already well established by the time our two heroes came to be in this particular town. They took the bypass for granted, and since neither of them had a house anywhere along the bypass there is no tale about it getting demolished. Not saying that there were or weren't houses that got demolished in the construction of this bypass, just saying that if they were they are not immediately relevant to this story.
Although Kutztown now had a bypass protecting it from Reading-crazed motorists from Allentown and Allentown –crazed motorists from Reading, it did nothing to keep out the land developers.
The land developers eyed the beautiful pastoral fields of Kutztown--the gorgeous rolling hills, the lovely tracts of manure-filled grass—with a feeling of hunger and lust. They saw the pastoral fields being replaced by mass-produced housing units, the lovely rolling hills with business centers and office buildings, and the manure-filled grass with mega-malls and shopping strips.
There had been efforts to fight off the land developers in other areas not far from Kutztown. Those efforts had, for the most part, failed. Kutztown seemed destined to become just another town strangled by the suburban octopus that had been spreading ever outward from the cities.
It may give many a piece of mind to know that the land developers would never get a chance to have their way with Kutztown. Of course, this is because in a short time the town of Kutztown, the land developers, the bypass, the pastoral fields and rolling hills, the cities of Reading and Allentown, and all the suburbs would be vaporized in a wisp of hydrogen, ozone, and carbon monoxide.
Kutztown woke up on its final morning groggily and with the collective hangover of nine thousand college students that had been partying the night before. A cool mist hung over the town and the university as the students groggily got up for their morning classes.
George Thunt was getting up in his annoyingly small room in one of the dormitories. He wasn't well, he was nervous. He was nervous because it was Thursday. He was nervous because he had dreamt of psychotic land developers all night. He was nervous because he was behind in at least 4 of his 5 classes.
He was especially worried that his sub-ether senso-meter woke him in the middle of the night, indicating the presence of the Vogons.
Well, he reasoned, that took care of his classes. It took care of Thursdays as well. It probably didn't take care of the land developers because they showed up everywhere regardless of what happened. But there was still the worry that the Earth was about to be blown up. That in itself was a Little unsettling.
George grabbed his pack and furiously made a hasty decision of what to leave in it and what to throw out. He tossed his schoolbooks aside; there would be no more of that in the future. He wanted to save a bit of Earth's music, so he threw a single CD of 18 songs into his bag as well.
Before leaving, George grabbed one of his beige bath towels. Every galactic hitchhiker knows that the towel is the most important thing to have around.
George burst out of his dorm and started walking extremely fast towards the south. He knew that his time was limited, and he knew what he had to do. He took his cell phone out of his pocket.
Mandy Windside hit the snooze button five times before she finally decided it was no longer worth making the necessary arm motion and gave in to the morning. She got up and slipped her feet into slippers that were sitting by the side of the bed. She thought that she would take a relaxing shower then go to her morning classes.
Unlike George, Mandy had made peace with Thursdays. They were not so bad for her, just a nucance to be put up with. She was not worried about her classes because she was acing them with no difficulty. She was not even worried about the land developers. As scary as they were, Mandy was confident that her sheer diplomatic skills could chase them off if it came down to it.
Mandy, however, didn't know that the Vogons were coming. She had been told about it in the past but she dismissed it as an unrealistic unlikelihood. But when her cell phone rang that completely changed.
"Um, hello?" Mandy said, holding the phone to her ear.
"Mandy!" Came George's panic-ridden voice over the phone. "This is really important! Grab a towel and whatever other supplies you think you may need and meet me in front of your apartment in five minutes!"
"What?" Mandy said, not quite sure if she was imagining the whole conversation. "What is this?"
"The Vogons" George said. "They're coming today. It's the day!"
"George, are you sure you're alright?" Mandy asked. "You were up a bit last night."
"Trust me." George said. "Just come out here, okay?"
"I have class, you know," Mandy said.
"No you don't." George said. "None of us do any more. The world is going to end."
"George, what—" Mandy began.
"Just trust me." George said. "Oh, and you might want to grab something with protein in it for the transfer. And alcohol if you have any."
"George, are you sure you know what you're talking about?" Mandy said. "Maybe you should go back to sleep."
"Please Mandy." George said. "I'm almost there. Just meet me outside with a towel, please?"
Mandy sighed. "Oh, alright. But if this is something else you're getting the crap beat out of you, got it?"
"Thanks. See you soon." And with that George hung up. Mandy sighed and picked up a blue towel from her room. As strange as George was he was never usually this strange. Mandy figured she would just see what was up with him then send him straight back to bed. As an afterthought, Mandy picked up a small bag of peanut M&M's. She would probably need them after this encounter.
George reached Mandy's apartment and paced impatiently outside. The world could start ending at any time now and there was not a moment to wait. Finally, Mandy emerged from her apartment, a look of annoyance and confusion on her face.
"There you are!" Said George emphatically. "We only have all the time in the world you know?"
"That's a long time." Mandy said.
"Actually, it's about five minutes." George said. "The world's about to end!"
"Oh, right." Mandy said. "You had been going on about that before over the phone. What's so big about it?"
"It's only that everything we know is going to be vaporized in the matter of four and a half minutes!" George said. "That's a pretty big deal, isn't it?"
"George," Said Mandy, straining herself to be as patient as possible with her friend. "Why would the world be ending? Why do you think it is?"
"Because of this," George said, pulling the sub-entha senso-matic out of his pocket and showing Mandy the flickering light.
"Oh, that?" Mandy said. "You got it because you thought it was a toothbrush, remember?"
"No, I'm sure it works!" George said. "It's a Thursday morning, just like it's supposed to be when the Vogons arrive."
"George, you're going to have to try better to convince me that the world is actually ending or I'm going to take this towel and strangle you with it."
George sighed. "I'm sorry if this is so sudden." George said. "But just wait one more minute. The Vogon ships should be around soon."
A quiet moment followed, one in which George waited with nervous impatience and Mandy waited with a more annoyed impatience. The quiet moment was shattered by a big yellow something that came roaring across the sky.
Mandy gaped open-mouthed at the large ugly something that was flying overhead. George's shouts of I-told-you-so were lost under the din of the ship's movement. The ship eventually came to rest some miles to the south, the noise ending.
"Come on!" George said, tugging Mandy's arm. "We have to get to high ground to signal them!" The pair of them ran through the apartment complex and was as far as the parking lot where a loud soothing voice filled the air.
"Attention Planet Earth. This is…" The Vogon began to make his announcement. George didn't bother to listen; he knew how it went. He led Mandy through the parking lot and into a field. The field was near the top of a hill and in clear view of the vogon ship.
"I brought some of this," Said Mandy, taking out the peanut M&Ms. They quickly shared the candy between themselves, then got down to business.
"Wave your towel to attract their attention." George told Mandy. "I'll signal them with my electric thumb."
Mandy started waving her towel at the Vogon ship emphatically as George clicked away on his little device. The Vogon droned on, nearing the end of his address.
"Energize the demolition beams!" The voice came.
"Quick!" George yelled. "Hold onto me!" Mandy clutched George tightly as he held the thumb in the air. A few seconds later they were gone.
There was a ghastly silence.
There was a ghastly noise.
There was a ghastly silence.
The Vogon constructor ships flew away into the inky void.