Guilt
Aaron stared at the plate of toast his mother had earlier set before him. He wasn't hungry, his appetite had deserted him these last few days. But he knew he was going to have to force some of it down his throat, just to please his mum, just so she'd stop worrying about him not eating. That would be one less thing playing on her mind.
Hearing the door opening he looked in its direction, his mother had gone for a bath, so he knew it couldn't be her back already, she usually spent a good hour soaking away the stress and tension of the day. He wasn't in the mood for a visitor, he just wanted to be left alone. Hopefully whoever it was wouldn't stay long.
"Hi. Your mum not here?"
"She's having a bath." Aaron told his uncle, uncomfortably aware of how uneasy the older man felt his company.
"Right, well I'll call back later."
Any other time Cain would have stopped to chat, he wouldn't have said much, but he'd have definitely have said something more. Aaron knew he was avoiding him and that hurt. He'd been determined not to say anything, to just ignore it, he didn't want any more upset, he didn't think he could take any more. But his hurt was was quickly turning to anger, anger he could no longer control. Leaping to his feet he forced out, "You can't even look at me can you?" He already felt better for getting that out, for airing something that had been eating away at him for days.
"What?"
"You! You can't stand to look at me, you don't like what you see, not now you know what he did to me!" Cain was such a hard man, he'd been born hard. He wouldn't have let anything so sick happen to him, he'd have fought back and he'd have won! He had to be wondering why he hadn't, why he'd let it happen to him again and again.
"No! That's not true." Cain stated as he stepped further into the room, closing the door firmly behind him.
"It makes you feel dirty, tainted." He'd always felt he was a disappointment to his uncle, that he wasn't the man he expected him to be, and now this!
"Aaron that's not true!"
"Liar! I can see the disgust in your eyes, I can see it there now." He could and it made him feel like scum, like he was the lowest form of life.
"Whatever it is you can see in my eyes it's not directed at you!" Cain exclaimed. It wasn't and he had to make Aaron see that. He wasn't used to expressing his feelings, it was something he'd always struggled with, something he'd always battled against. He'd had to. You couldn't let on how much you were hurting, or how scared you were inside, You had to hide such emotions and hide them well. You had to keep them locked up, because that way you had no weaknesses, you were all the stronger, all the harder, and he'd had to be hard, he'd had to be tough. But these last few years he had started to realise that there were times he could let his barriers down, times when he could afford to open up, and times like now when it was imperative that he did. "It's how I feel about myself!"
"What?" Aaron was thrown by his uncle's words, by the self-contempt evident in his voice.
"You're right, I can't look you in the eye. But its not because I see you any differently. It's because of what I did, because of what I didn't do, what I failed to do.
"What'd you mean?"
"I let you down." He'd done many things he regretted, and there were a great many things he wished he'd done differently, but he'd never actual felt ashamed of his actions. But he did now, he did where his failings where Aaron were concerned.
"No!" Cain had always been there for him, always."
They were standing facing each other, and it felt more like a confrontation than a heart to heart and Cain realised that was what this conversation needed to be. If he was to do this, if he was to make Aaron see he was wrong about him, then he had to do it the right way. Taking hold of Aaron's arm he led him over to the sofa, sitting down beside him and looking him right in the eye.
"If I'd been in your life back then it wouldn't have happened, he wouldn't have dared lay a hand on you." Gordon had always been wary of him, had always eyed him with suspicion, Gordon knew he couldn't step out of line where Chas was concerned and he hadn't. "Me and your mum we've always been close. I've always... I've always loved my little sister." Love wasn't a word that came easy to him, not where anyone was concerned.
"I've always tried to protect her, Shadrach was free with his fists drunk or not and I couldn't let him hurt her. But as we got older I realised I couldn't protect her from everything, and when Gordon came along I told myself I had to take a step back. I thought I was doing the right thing, she was happy and when you came along she was the happiest I'd ever seen her.
"We kept in touch, saw each other whenever we could, but she had Gordon and she didn't need me to look out for her. Then suddenly she wasn't so happy, she thought she was doing the right thing in leaving you with your dad... and I did too. I thought it best I stay away, that I keep my distance, I wasn't the kind of uncle a kid needed, not the best sort of influence on a child. I thought you were safe with him, I thought he loved you like a father should.
"When you came here to live, you had such a gob on you, and you were out of control. I told myself Gordon had been too soft with you, that he'd spoilt you, that if he'd given you the occasional rollicking even the odd clip around the ear you'd have turned out differently.
"It was Paddy who took you in. He stepped up to the plate and I was happy to let him shoulder all responsibility. I let a stranger care for my own flesh and blood. It was him who realised you were gay, him you confided in. He never left your side after you tried to kill yourself, and he was there for you after Jackson died. It should have been me doing all those things.
"I let you take the blame for the fire Adam started, I helped you get to France. I let you put hundreds of miles between you and your family even though I knew how much you needed us. I've been letting you down all your life and I'm still doing it."
"No, that's not true..."
"It is. I caught you self harming and I did nothing about it! I knew it was to do with Gordon and I should have got it out of you there and then, but I didn't and you ended up in hospital. You could have died.
"I went after Gordon, I could have killed him with my bare hands, I still could, but that would be of no help to you would it? It would only add to the burden you carry because of him.
"I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror knowing that I let you down, that I failed you in every possible way. And I'm finding it just as hard to look into your eyes and see all the pain there, pain I know I could have prevented.
"Cain don't." Aaron didn't want his uncle blaming himself, it wasn't anyone's fault but his dad's.
"I'm sorry." Sorry was another word he had trouble saying, but at the very least he owed his nephew an apology, as useless as it was to him now, "I'm sorry I didn't stop that bastard from hurting you. I'm sorry I wasn't there all the times you needed me. I'm sorry for not being able to change what happened, for not being able to make things right, for not being able to put an end to this nightmare. I'm sorry for a lot of things and right now I'm sorry for making you think I see you differently, for making you think I don't like what I see. Because I do. I like the man I see, I love and respect him, nothing could ever change that."
Aaron wiped at his eyes, tears were forming there. His emotions were so close to the surface right now he just couldn't stop them from falling. He'd never expected to hear Cain say all those things, for him to open up to him in such a way. He hadn't known what to say and he still didn't, but it seemed he didn't have to, Cain had just wrapped his arm around him and pulled him into a hug.
The physical contact, the show of support and depth of affection had warmed him, it had reached a corner of his soul that had for so long ached with need...
END