Why Squalo may go Insane

A/N: Random crack written because I have no internet and have nothing to do at my Grandmother's after beating Pokemon Emerald in two days. And I have writer's block for my other 3 Hitsukarin stories.

Summary: Random Varia fic! All the Varia had to do was to investigate a new, suspicious Mafia family, as ordered by Don Sawada Tsunayoshi. But that alone supplied enough Varia insanity to risk Squalo's own mind. Just for fun, first completed fic ever so pardon any errors!

On a dusty night where bodies fell from the skies yet again, clothed in the renowned black and biege uniforms, birds and insects shrieked in their own languages and fell out of their own trees; after all, it was not often that such expert assassins would be defeated. Not just mere assassins, but subordinates of the top assassin squad in Italy; the Varia, who were the henchmen of the most powerful Mafia group in the world; the Vongola.

As the shrieks echoed off the sturdy trees in a forest in Italy, a certain scream could be heard resonating off every single leaf in the forest.

It need not be mentioned that the scream was more than just merely familiar.

'VOOOOOIIIIII! WHY ARE YOU THROWING OFF SUBORDINATES AGAIN SHITTY BOSS!?'

Yep. Squalo Superbi.

On first sight, he looks extremely elegant, with his smooth, long silver hair trailing along behind him, leaving him to the envy of about half the girls on the planet. His long, lean figure, befitting a supermodel, leaves both genders salivating after him. His face, portraying a chiseled, handsome face, left most breathless and in wonder that such a man could ever exist on earth.

Until… he opened his mouth.

Yes. His big, fat mouth.

With his favourite catchphrase and loud voice which would even put megaphones and microphones to shame, he sent people scurrying off almost immediately. Unless they were dead. Or near-dead.

Back to the current situation, he appears to be fuming angrily at a particular male with feathers and beads hanging off his messy, black hair. Sharp black eyes narrowed at the familiar scream emitted by the shark, as the usual swishing of priceless red wine in an expensive Venetian glass could barely be heard over the piercing scream.

'Shut up, shitty shark.'

For those of you who have already guessed who this… gentleman is, you are probably right. It is none other than our dear Varia leader; Xanxus.

'CRASH.'

…. And there he goes again.

'VOIIIII SHITTY BOSS! THAT'S THE 6th GLASS! DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING EXPENSIVE THE RED WINE AND GLASS IS!?'

As most would say, the Varia leader and his vice were like a noisy, married couple in the household.

Then came the kids.

'Boss! Boss! What has happened!? Your most loyal servant Levi is at your service!'

'Ushishishishi, has the boss thrown down another set of peasants because of 1 minute of insufficient cooking of the steak?'

'Oh, the great but stupid pharoh has struck. Let us all find our own pyramids and hide in them for shelter.'

Yep. Leviathon; loyal servant of Xanxus, Belphegor; the fake prince and Fran; the sarcarstic and insulting illusionist.

Squalo whipped off the red wine which Xanxus had thrown at him from his face, and scowled.

'You shitty boss! Stop throwing these expensive things!'

'Shut up trash!'

'VOIIIIII! WHAT DID YOU SAY!?'

'Maa~Maa~! Let us all be good with one another shall we?'

Oh, yeah. We forgot good ol' Mama Luss.

Lussuria, above all, was just like the caretaker of the house. Despite his strange… style, he handles the Varia's cooking, cleaning and housekeeping just like an expert. Some say that without his job as an assassin, he would have taken up housekeeping for a living.

After Lussuria spoke up, Xanxus and Squalo merely scowled at each other, with Belphegor laughing creepily as usual, Levi's eyes bleeding sparkles at the mere sight of Xanxus, and Fran looking idly at the pretty night sky.

Night sky? Oh yeah, I left out another big detail. They weren't at their comfortable, durable mansion in Italy. Why else would subordinates fall out of trees?

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Just three days back, the Vongola Decimo, young Sawada Tsunayoshi, had instructed the entire Varia on a surveillance mission in Italy on one of their supposed new alliances, the Vasuchetts. They had grumbled about such a boring mission, but one could never doubt the Vongola hyper intuition when it senses that something is wrong. Inherited from the Vongola Primo, it was more than mere respect that they had abided the Vongola intuition. After all, it was the very thing that had saved Tsuna's ass repeatedly over the years, even after he became Vongola Decimo. If Tsuna had doubted the Vasuchetts' loyalty, even though he was the one who had approved its joining into the hard-to-get-into Vongola alliance mainly due to its sheer size, no one was to disapprove so readily.

12 hours after Tsuna had administered his order, the Varia had hiked up onto their private jet and had flown to the location in Italy where it was said that the Vasuchetts had their main base of operation at.

However, it has been 3 days since then, yet the Varia had not a single clue about suspicious activities the Vasuchetts may have conducted. Everyone was being in an increasingly bad mood, in particular a certain 'shitty boss'. He was breaking two times more glasses of wine and becoming increasingly annoyed with trivial errors, such as in the duration his cooking was done in. This was surprising especially since he was the one who created the largest mess whenever he fought, without a care in the world for the consequences and its details as he wrecked infrastructure with his flames of rage and secondo guns.

This leaves us with what is currently happening; Xanxus's subordinates had undergrilled his steak for 1 minute's worth and that infuriated him, leading to how he shot his subordinates (and they fell from the trees, simply because Xanxus demanded for the meat on his grand throne of a chair, stuck fast on a stable and broad tree while his other Varia members were on a lookout elsewhere in the forest where the Vasuchetts' hideout was said to be located at) and how he threw his expensive wine glass at Squalo.

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'I'm bored. Ushishishi.'

'Oi, fake prince. Stop throwing knives into me. You are disgusting.'

'I dare you to say that again stupid frog. Ushishishi.'

'Stupid, fake prince, your knives are annoying.'

'SNAP SNAP SNAP.'

'Ushishishi, for breaking my knives stupid frog…'

'STAB STAB STAB.'

'Boys! Please, have some control! Bel, keep those knives! And Fran, stop riling up Bel! Tsk tsk, what do I do with you kittens.'

'We are not kittens.'

'….'

'Don't say the same thing as me, stupid frog. Find your own peasant line to voice.'

'But fake prince, is it that your brain capacity is too small, even ill-befitting of a goldfish's, that you cannot think of anything else to say other than what I say?'

'That's it-'

'Now boys-'

'VOOOOOIIIIIIII! SHUT UP! VASUCHETTS HENCHMEN HAS COME OUT OF THEIR HEADQUARTS! LISTEN!'

'But captain, you're being the loudest right now-mmph.'

'Now now, Fran, let's just do our duties and comment later shall we?'

'…. Hai, Mama Luss.'

As two suspicious looking men, clothed in heavy black coats and bowler hats came out of a murky building. They looked from left, to right, to left again, before moving off quickly into their black Volvo and driving off to the streets and out of the forest.

'Levi, after them! We'll continue to keep watch here!' Squalo barked. Levi pouted at the fact that he has to leave his precious boss' side, but sprinted after the suspicious car anyway.

And then… 3… 2… 1…

'I don't feel safe leaving him alone after all. Lussuria, go after them as well!'

'Aye, captain!'

And off goes Lussuria after Levi and the suspicious car, at Squalo's orders.

Fran yawned.

'Can anyone be any more suspicious-looking? I am getting bored. They are so pathetic my teeth are going to drop off and rot and become fossils for future archaeologists to pick up and fantasize over.'

'Ushishishi, who would want to examine your teeth stupid frog.'

As another round of flying knives and insults shot through the silent night air, Squalo decided to put a stop to things by whacking both Fran's and Belphegor's heads with another two, innocent subordinates' heads.

Yes, that's right. He grabbed two subordinates by the head, slammed them against his two Varia assassins' heads, leading to the concussions of both his subordinates. Innocent subordinates who only wanted to report the current situation at their current sites, elsewhere in the forest.

'Itai, captain. It hurts.'

'Ushishishi, the peasant dares to hit the prince on his delicate head? It seems that he is asking for a death wish.'

Aaaand that's right again. Both Fran and Bel seem to be safe from any concussions. Both of them rubbed their heads pitifully as the slump of the two bodies (the knocked out subordinates) could be heard dropping to the ground with a splat. Of course, good ol' Squalo simply did not have the patience to place them back gently onto the forest mud.

May the mud be soft and impact their falls, prayed a certain passing squirrel who did not want to be named lest he be murdered by the creepy and unpredictable Varia assassins.

'STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING,' the Varia captain and vice leader roared, scowling. 'They are the first lead we have had in days, so be grateful and take this gratefulness and stuff it up your ass!'

Ignoring their responses, Squalo muttered some colourful words under his breath and returned his attention to the Vasuchetts' hideout, eyeing the activities within the mansion with his binoculars. Now that he observed the hectic and rushed actions in the mansion, it certainly seemed as though there were suspicious activities going on in the Vasuchetts. Squalo shook his head with a grin. It seems like the young Vongola Decimo had struck gold once again. Even though he looked timid as a mice and was even afraid of fucking Chihuahuas, he had potential to be a great leader of the Vongola.

He had to admit; as time went by and Squalo got to understand the damn Tuna fish even more, despite the lack of ferocity in his actions, Tsuna was probably better than the other Vongola candidates from before. Of course, he was forever rooting for Xanxus, but he was also glad Xanxus had wiped out the rest of the Vongola candidates and conceded to Tsuna after a harsh ring battle. Squalo was disappointed at Xanxus lack of ability to inherit the throne, of course, but he had only slight regrets about allowing the fucking tuna to be the Vongola leader.

Amidst Squalo's deep thoughts, another two subordinates fell from the sky again, crashing through tree branches and bird nests noisily, followed with a loud 'Tch' of annoyance from somewhere up in the trees. Squalo jumped, and stared blankly at his fallen subordinates. Then, he gritted his teeth.

'VOOOOIIIIIII! SHITTY BOSS!'

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Squalo lay upon his bed eagle-spread, exhausted. He swore in mutters under his breath each time after a draining mission that he wanted to resign from being the damn captain of the Varia, but each time he woke up he forgets what he has promised to himself, leaving him to regret the next exhausting mission.

Squalo has no idea why he even became the Varia captain. All he wanted to do was to defeat the sword emperor (which he did) and to follow Xanxus.

Squalo cursed again. Shitty boss, he snorted. Why did Xanxus have to be the leader of Varia? Now Squalo was stuck with being captain, and no way in hell was he going to relinquish his position to the salivating Levi.

Squalo rolled over onto his stomach, idly checking his phone for any important messages. He was dead-beat from the mission this time round, mainly because of his troublesome team.

After Xanxus had thrown down another couple of subordinates from the trees for not bringing him the right wine, Squalo had started yowling at his boss. Meanwhile, without Squalo's knowledge, Fran and Bel had snuck off somewhere closer to the Vasuchetts' hideout because they were 'bored', as Bel had phrased so nicely.

Squalo should have known.

Squalo really should have known.

Known what? He should have known that should he leave those two alone without any clear orders, they would gladly whip up more trouble and disasters for Squalo to clean up after that. This means more paperwork. And Xanxus was sure as hell not going to touch a single scrap of paperwork. This means that it left everything for Squalo to handle. And Squalo hated paperwork as much as he hated Levi's disgustingly loyal attitude to Xanxus.

By the time Squalo had calmed down from his rage at Xanxus and turned his attention back to his mission, the two youngest members of the Varia had slaughtered a section of people at the Vasuchetts' hideout- and had no intention of stopping. Blood splattered everywhere, with sirens blaring and people screaming that they were in danger. Before Fran and Bel could cause anymore irreparable damage, Squalo had to grab the two back into the forest.

Squalo sighed again. He was going to get another earful from the Jyuudaime.

As if things were not bad enough, Levi and Lussuria came back not long ago from their task with disappointing news. The two men they had tailed had not gone to a suspicious place after all, and had instead drove to an arcade and gamed there for a continuous 3 hours before heading back to the Vasuchetts headquarters. Levi had wanted to go ahead and slaughter them there and then, if not for Lussuria holding him back.

Squalo wanted to hunt those two down and slaughter them a hundred times.

Why behave so secretly when all you are going to do was go to the fucking arcade?

Ah, now his head hurt. Squalo whimpered softly and buried his face into the soft, hotel pillow. He was glad that he arranged for individual hotel rooms for the Varia members to stay in for the dawn (They did their mission through midnight). He could, at least, finally have some peace when-

'BANG SPLAT HRRUUUGHHHH!'

'Levi, stop screaming, you sound like a waxed up psychopath.'

'Ushishishi, do you even know what a waxed up psychopath sound like, stupid froggy?'

'I don't; but you don't either, so let's pretend this conversation never existed.'

'UNHAND ME STUPID FREAKS!'

'Ushishishi, the peasant shouldn't yell at the prince.'

'You big old pervert Levi. What were you going to do in that attire?'

'I was going to the boss'-'

Squalo growled and opened his room door, only to see Belphegor and Fran standing outside in their pyjamas, and Levi on the ground with his limbs bound by imaginary ropes and possibly other things conjured up by Fran's colourful imagination.

Squalo gawked.

And then he wished he had never opened his door.

Levi was dressed in a pink nightie, which had spaghetti straps and a short skirt. Its flowing, satin material strained against his muscles and hairy chest, which showed that he obviously forced himself into the attire even though it was meant for a petite girl. As if things could not get worse, he had also adorned himself in a pair of red stilettos and had clipped a ribbon into his hair. The worst was how he had smeared some red lipstick onto his thick, greasy lips and had tried (but failed) to apply some green eyeshadow and dark mascara onto his eyes.

Squalo felt his breakfast coming up his throat now.

'Levi… what is going on?' he forced out, clearing his throat as he gripped onto his door frame tightly.

Levi tched.

'I was going to the boss' room to give him some entertainment, but these little twerps held me up-'

'I really hope you were going for comedy, stupid old pervert, because that getup-'

'Fran, you don't know anything so hush! This attire is especially fashionable and sexy among young teen girls and-'

'Ushishishi, you are no young teen girl Levi.' Belphegor laughed awkwardly. Squalo could see that despite his usual laugh, Belphegor looked deeply uncomfortable with Levi's getup. Squalo could not agree more with his opinion.

Levi pouted, as he struggled gangly to stand up. Squalo sighed, and closed the door.

He hoped he had imagined the whole episode and that it was all in his colourful imagination…

'UNHAND ME TWERPS, I'M GOING TO THE BOSS'- HRRUUUGGLLGGHHPPP!'

And maybe… getting separate rooms for everyone isn't such a good idea from now on.

That dawn, Squalo cried for his sanity.

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The next afternoon, after getting sufficient sleep, everyone gathered at Squalo's room to begin briefing (since Xanxus was less than accommodating to the idea that everyone gathered at his room) for their next step to the mission, especially since the previous mission was a flop.

Belphegor and Fran were both flopped eagle-spread on Squalo's queen-sized bed while Xanxus sat on the armchair with a disinterested glance at Squalo. Actually, it was a miracle he even turned up. Lussuria posed in what was supposed to be a sexy pose by the television, while Levi stood faithfully beside Xanxus. Squalo noticed that he sprouted a black eye overnight.

Cruelly ignoring that fact, Squalo cleared his throat.

'Okay, now let's begin our-'

'Captain, is that a vibrator at your table?'

There was a stark silence. Squalo gritted his teeth.

'Fran darling, don't touch that vibrator,' Lussuria murmured in the midst of the tense silence. 'It was provided by the hotel and if you open the wrapping-'

'RIP.'

'…. As I was saying, if you open the wrapping you have to pay for it. Dear me, Fran.'

'… Oh.'

Squalo threw his hands up in the air. 'VVOOOOOOIIIIIIIII! WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING LISTEN BEFORE DOING THINGS YOU STUPID SHIT!' He yowled. Fran merely gave Squalo and deadpan expression and shrugged, tossing the vibrator to Levi who 'looked like he needed it', according to Bel. Levi threw the vibrator through the glass window, which shattered.

'Don't give me such a disgusting thing, you stupid little-'

'VVVOOOOOIIIIIIIII! THAT'S MORE MONEY AND PAPERWORK YOU FUCKING TWIRLY MUSTACHE!'

'Twirly mustache!? Why I have never been more offended-'

'SMASH!'

'Ushishishi, there goes the wine again.'

'VVVOOOOOOOIIIIIII WHAT IS IT NOW SHITTY BOSS!?'

'Shut up trash.'

'WHAT DID YOU SAAAYYY-'

'Oh darlings, um, let's calm down and enjoy some juice maybe-'

'Ooh, what is this mystical cover which looks like something the old pervert may use for his entertainment? It's even slightly elastic.'

'THAT'S A FUCKING CONDOM AND DON'T YOU DARE OPEN IT-'

'RIPPPPP.'

'VOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII YOU FUCKING ILLUSIONIST-'

Needless to say, the real briefing only began 2 hours later. By then, Levi sprouted another black eye, Fran had slightly more than 3 dozen knives sticking out of his frog hat and back, Bel was mourning over his broken knives, several furniture were smashed, and Squalo's room was half-charred due to a certain annoyed boss and an incredibly magical pair of hands.

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'So… this is certainly Varia quality, eh?' Gokudera read his reports, an eyebrow raised and in suspicion.

Squalo shifted his feet and yelled, swinging his sword arm forth and nearly jabbing Yamamoto in the eye with his sword. 'VOOOOOIIIIIII! JUST ACCEPT THE FUCKING REPORT AND WE'LL BE ON OUR FUCKING WAY!'

'No casualty though?'

Squalo swallowed nervously and nodded harshly.

Squalo was currently reporting the status for their investigation for the Vasuchetts family to Gokudera Hayato, the right-hand Bomber man for the Vongola family. They were currently at the Vongola headquarters. Tsuna was out on another meeting, so Squalo was left with reporting to Gokudera.

Gokudera narrowed his eyes at the report.

Just 3 days ago, after a 2 week long investigation, Squalo was on the verge of insanity because of his assassin team. However, they discovered the suspicious activities the Vongola Decimo had suspected. It had turned out that the Vasuchetts had planned to use a larger organization than theirs- the Vongolas- to run a drug cartel in order to ease any suspicion and have strong backing.

A normal and sane Squalo would have waited and reported this information in to Tsuna and await for further instructions on how to deal with these backstabbers.

A slightly impatient Squalo would have snuck into their hideout and stolen whatever relevant information is needed to prove their crime before returning to the Vongola headquarters and await Tsuna's jurisdiction. Even the maximum was to cause some casualties, since it was a mere investigation mission.

However, with a crazed and bloodthirsty Squalo, driven to a corner by his insane team of fools, Squalo lost his mind and ordered everyone to invade and thrash the entire headquarters belonging to the Vasuchetts, instantly wiping everyone in the headquarters up and leaving behind a torrent of bloodshed from the crazy number of fatalities.

It was only after Squalo had a good night's worth of sleep in his hotel room that he realized what he has done, and how it would inflict the wrath of the Vongola Decimo.

After spending 5 hours mourning about his mistake- and raging at how Xanxus was smiling so brightly after what he termed 'finally, a decent killing spree after so long', he decided to fake his report about the investigation, and claimed that the entire Vasuchetts perished after an 'unfortunate fire accident'.

Back to the present as Squalo shedded invisible tears at what has happened, Gokudera smirked at Squalo. 'Not bad, this Varia quality,' he commented. 'Few would actually leave the Vasuchetts alive or well after such a betrayal and plot to make use of the Vongola. Yet, there are no casualties or fatalities intentionally caused this time round. Good job.'

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'Yo, Captain! How did it go? Ushishishi.'

Squalo groaned. The entire Varia, excluding Xanxus who had probably returned to their Varia mansion to sleep, was there waiting for him, and Levi who was probably with him. However, there was a huge black bag with them. Squalo sensed bad news.

'They bought the lie for now since Sawada is not around, but we will be exposed soon, idiots.'

Belphegor grinned and laughed, while Fran suddenly opened the black bag only to reveal Levi in the very same getup he was in a few nights back at the hotel. Except that this time he was physically gagged and tied up with ropes. And had several more bruises all around his body.

Yes.

The pink nightie.

'Captain~ Levi-chan was being naughty again and was trying to sneak into leader-chan's room~'

Squalo felt nauseous.

And then he blacked out.

~OWARI~

Aaaand done! This is my first ever completed Fanfic, so please do review constructively! Pardon if I made any errors because I actually have not been in contact with kHR for a pretty long time and may forget certain things. Thank you for sticking with me throughout this silly story. :)