A/N:This is a submission to the Weekly One-Shot Challenge of 2010, Week 14.
It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
All characters belong to Charlaine Harris and Alan Ball, including the writers, since he pays their salaries.
The language here is really filthy. Some people think they can get a cheap laugh from using the word "fuck". I hope so.
Removing All Doubt
Scene: An office. It is cramped, no windows, with a credenza on the side, that has a small refrigerator incorporated into it. Glasses sit on top of it. There are charts on the walls; various plot lines and family trees. There's an oblong table with five chairs around it. There will never be a sixth chair. Only one sits at a short edge facing the door. This is the "head" of the table, and is occupied by Alan Ball. Four other seats are filled by writers; Alexander Woo, Raelle Tucker, Nancy Oliver and Brian Buckner. They all have laptops in front of them, and are talking as they type.
Woo: What's happening in this epi?
Ball: Sookie and Eric fuck. Russell and Talbot fuck. Tara and Franklin fuck. Sam and what ever new waitress there is, fuck. Jason and Andy fuck. Lafayette and Jesus fuck. Wait, can Jesus fuck or is it blasphemy?
The writers ignore the question.
Woo: What are the plot points we want to hit in this episode?
Ball: How much time is left?
Woo: Six couples at three minutes each...42 minutes left. What else do you want? Were attacks? FotS attacks?
Tucker: Where are we in the story and book?
Woo: Sookie is supposed to rescue Bill from Lorena. She's helped by Eric after she's staked in Club Dead.
Ball: Oh shit! We forgot to have Bill and Lorena fuck!
Woo: OK, we're down to 39 minutes.
Tucker: Sookie gets staked by Steve Newlin at Club Dead, then is brought back to Russell's mansion to be healed. She takes the stake for Betty Jo, Russell's second.
Ball: The bar is "Lou Pines" now. And we don't have Betty Jo. Who can she take it for?
Oliver: Talbot would be good. Russell luuvs Talbot.
Tucker: Eric is undercover and accompanies her back to the mansion.
Woo: How do you disguise a 6'5" blond vampire?
Buckner: I guess the others are pretty dumb. Isn't he supposed to be a famous warrior or something?
Ball: Is this where Eric and Sookie fuck?
Tucker: In the book they're interrupted by Bubba.
Ball: Cock-blocker! Let's not have them interrupted, it's about time they did it. It's almost the end of the third season already.
Tucker: What about Sookie rescuing Bill and killing Lorena?
Ball: Nah! I'm tired of Sookie and Bill. He's getting too much airtime. Did you hear he's starring in a movie version of "Big Valley"? How lame is that? Let's stick him with Lorena until next season.
Woo: But that's why Sookie, Alcide and Eric went to Jackson in the first place...
Ball: Let's change it then...(thinks)...have Sookie see Bill and Lorena being lovey-dovey in the garden, in the moonlight. Not just maker and child shit, but sweet, loving. Sookie can surprise them! Dialogue! Give me some dialogue!
The writers call out lines:
S: Bill!
B: Sookie!
L: Cunt!
S: Bitch! Bill, I came to rescue you!
B: I told you I did not need to be rescued!
L: Go back to Bumfuck, LA, bloodbag!
S: But Bill you proposed to me!
B: That was for the Queen, Sookie! I've changed my allegiance to Russell. Lorena and I are happy here!
S: (crying) Oh Bill, I got staked for you!
B: I told you not to come for me. Go home, Sookie!
S: Well! I'm glad I fucked Eric last night!
L: I always said you were a whore!
S: Shut up, bitch!
B: Don't talk to Lorena like that!
S: Don't talk to me like that, you fuckin' cock-sucker! You two belong together!
L: Yes, we know.
Sookie turns and stomps out. Bill and Lorena share a heated look, and head to the bushes.
Ball: That's good. How many minutes?
Woo: About 2 1/2.
Ball: Add a nice long kiss and bring it to three..
Woo: OK, that's 36 minutes.
Ball: Fine. That's the sex part, now the drugs, then the rock 'n roll.