Hello, all. I've been working on this darn thing on and off for several months now. Please, just take it so I can stop messing with it.
I've been thinking a lot about Sesshomaru's Children lately, and how I sort of ruined it. The ending I imagined for the story and the way the story actually ended are so different. Nasuku and Reeka were never supposed to be together. His character was genuine—all of the characters were—but she was never supposed to know about his affection for her. It was supposed to end in such angst that it would hurt. It was going to hurt so good, but I just couldn't help myself. Slowly, I saw their love grow, and I couldn't hold it back. The story is incredibly satisfying the way I wrote it, but now, I've returned to write what should have been the ending as I originally imagined it. Sort of. This would have been a sequel to the origin story that I never wrote. Just roll with it.
If you haven't read Sesshomaru's Children, you can still read this and understand (but there are spoilers, so heads up). Here's some background. Reeka is Sesshomaru and Rin's daughter. She is married/mated to the Northern Lord, Yugi, who is a really sweet man (though many readers find him too feminine and aggravating sometimes). They were mated after the previous war where Yugi's father (Lord Karashima), an awful man, was overthrown in a weird twist of events, and Yugi took the throne. The North is allied with the Western lands which helped during the war. Reeka is really feisty girl and used to have a nasty rebellious streak when she was younger.
General Nasuku is Sesshomaru's general. He led the Western army in the last war. He and Reeka are really close friends, and he's pretty much taught her all that she knows. They bicker and fight a lot, but all in good fun. His nickname for her is "pup" which she despises. He adored her when she was young, and it turned into a romantic love somewhere along the way. When Reeka married Yugi, it crushed him, and he found he just couldn't be around them anymore. He's never told Reeka his feelings, and in the last war, he insisted time and time again that she was his student and nothing more.
Mushi is the Northern general. He's actually in a relationship with Reeka's twin sister Keema, but that isn't important for this story segment. He's a good friend of Reeka and Nasuku's. He was a soldier in the Western army during the war but was selected by Yugi to take over as general after he took the throne. He's not too experienced when it comes to commanding, and it was actually not that great of a choice on Yugi's part, but that gets complicated. All you need to know is that he's a good man, and he's really trying to turn the North around.
Oh, and General Nata was the Northern general before Lord Karashima was overthrown. He was never confirmed dead, and that's about all you need to know about him.
Enjoy.
More than a decade had passed since the death of Lord Karashima, and the North was still struggling to recover. Rebel groups rose and fell one after another, each hoping to rekindle the drug trade that their young lord still worked tirelessly to disassemble. They attacked rural villages at the very edges of the Northern territory, destroying crops and slaughtering thousands in retaliation to Lord Yugi's rulings. Famine became widespread within several years, and trade plummeted. Desperate, humans and demons alike fled to the Northern capitol seeking help, and although the palace did what it could to ration food and supplies, soon the northerners began to flee to the adjacent lands.
General Mushi tried to keep up with the attacks, but the enemy was elusive. He knew that the groups took refuge deep in the northern forests and within the valleys at the mountainous southern border, but search parties never turned up anything more than abandoned campsites and degraded scents. Soon after the first attacks, a rumor spread through the North that the exiled general, Nata, led the rebels. Nata's body had never been recovered after the previous war, and recognizing the possibility that he still lived, Mushi increased his searches. He looked for patterns in the attacks and sent troops to guard villages he deemed high risk. These tactics were met with minimal success, and soon, he found his inexperienced soldiers stretched too thin and morale dangerously low.
A new officer still lost in his command, he spent countless nights discussing the situation with his officers and lord, trying to determine what to do next. But quickly, he found that none of them were experienced enough to help him. For years, he spent entire nights in his study searching for new patterns and trying desperately to ebb his rising frustration. Tacked maps and papers covered the walls of his study and private room, bearing the disorderly ink of his desperation. Not even the arms of his lover could calm him anymore, and sleep became a distant memory. Every moment he did not find a solution, the North's condition continued to decline, and it weighed heavily upon his heart each time he got word of another fatal attack. Finally, he saw no other option, and despite his wish to respect his former general and friend's wishes, he sent word to the West that General Nasuku had been summoned to the Northern palace.
Nasuku was difficult to find. After finishing his duties in the North after the last war, he had returned to the Western palace where he'd immediately asked for leave. He'd offered no explanation, and Lord Sesshomaru had granted his request with a silent nod. He'd been given supplies and money and asked no questions. Shinsai had been given command in his absence, and he'd been gone by morning.
It took many months of searching before he was located deep in the South, working as a coal miner in a small, rural village. A messenger was immediately sent.
He'd known nothing but numbing exhaustion these last years.
Each day, he worked his body to its limit, finding that the strain of his muscles was enough to entirely occupy his mind, and each night, he fell immediately into a dreamless sleep. He spoke very little, and although he sensed the suspicion of his workmates, he did not acknowledge their sharp stares.
Village women had once tried to win his favor, but he'd turned them away each time with a kind word. Over time, it'd become more difficult. He admitted sometimes that he actually desired the comfort of a female embrace, and once impulsively accepted the advance of a woman, but found that it left him worse, and he did not accept anymore. After that, he was more stern in his rejections, and soon, few women approached him.
At night, sometimes, he would reach underneath his meager bed to run his fingers along the hilt of his sword tucked carefully out of sight and remember for a moment what it had been like to be a general, to lead an army, to win a war. He'd told nobody of his rank, and although some nights he felt the need to return, it would be gone by morning, and he would go back down into the mines again.
This evening though, as Nasuku stepped up out of the cold darkness of the coal mine, squinting in the setting sunlight, he was startled by a hawk demon who landed hard just in front of him. Exhausted from his flight, the messenger stumbled backwards, panting as he looked up at his former general. Nasuku was covered in a gray layer of fine dirt with his hair braided down his back. He wore the rough spin of rural clothing that was torn at the shoulders and knees.
Recognition flashed across Nasuku's face. "Fumio?"
His voice came out in a loud rasp, rusty from disuse. The young man wore the dark uniform of the North instead of the Western uniform he had last seen him in. He lowered his voice suddenly. "What are you doing here?" His companions were beginning to emerge from the mine behind him, eyeing both him and the foreign soldier with suspicion.
"I have news from the North—"
Nasuku took a quick step closer to silence Fumio and shield him from the other workers.
"Not here." His voice was firm as he led them into the nearby woods, ignoring the villagers' harsh stares as he pushed at the soldier's lower back.
Once out of earshot, Nasuku released Fumio, his expression hard to read. He paced for a moment then turned back with crossed arms. He swallowed before speaking, as though preparing himself for something terrible. "What news do you bring from the North?"
As Fumio relayed Mushi's request, Nasuku seemed to relax somewhat. His arms uncrossed as the hawk demon finished.
He was silent, thinking. He'd sworn never to return to the North, but now, the thought opened his mind. He remembered the beauty of the mountains there, and the years he'd spent at the palace helping after the war. More memories threatened to surface, and he pulled himself back to the present, but the question came out anyway. "How is the palace fairing?"
The soldier frowned for a moment, perplexed. "The palace is safe. General Mushi is sure to keep many soldiers there to protect Lord Yugi and Lady Reeka. No rebels have been able to reach its walls."
Nasuku paused again. He reached up to rub at the dirt on his cheek, drawing back to stare at his blackened hand. Finally, without looking up at the soldier, he replied, "I will help, but I do not wish to visit the Northern palace. Tell Mushi. If he agrees to this, I will come."
Mushi did not give it a second thought, and within two weeks, Nasuku had returned to the Western palace, resumed his position, gathered volunteers from the army, and gone north.
Nestled with his soldiers at the opening of a pass twenty miles outside of the North's capitol, he awaited Mushi's arrival. He wore his uniform again, but the Western crest felt heavily against his chest, foriegn. He traced the thin crescent moon with his fingers, feeling the smoothness of the parallel threads and allowing himself to remember the times he'd worn it in the past. He recalled the several wars he'd fought as both a soldier and an officer. He recalled living in the Western palace, and the pride he'd felt walking the halls. He thought of his soldiers, and their excitement upon seeing him again. He thought of his lord and lady and how forgiving they had been when he'd returned.
Finally, he could not dance around the memories anymore, and against his better judgement, he allowed himself think of his student after more than ten years. He moved through the memories carefully, starting when she was a child and progressing through the years until the moment he'd first realized she was grown.
It hurt to imagine her face. He wondered how much it had changed. Were her eyes still wide, her mouth small? Was her hair still long as she'd always kept it? As the wind brushed against his tent, he thought of her intolerance to the cold. Being in the North, she'd probably hated the winters, but he imagined that she probably denied it each year. He envisioned that she'd pour water on all of the fires lit for her comfort, insisting that she was fine, like it proved something, like she always had. He smiled at the thought.
A gentle warmth began in his chest when he thought of her stubbornness. She'd challenged him every chance she'd had, and he'd respected her for it—adored her as a child for it and loved her as a woman for it.
She'd been so fiery back then, quick-witted and quicker-tongued. It'd landed her in trouble often, but his scoldings had done little to curb her attitude. She'd not been afraid of him. His rank had meant nothing to her, and she'd often forgotten her own.
His touch became a caress as he traced the crest. He wondered if she'd had any children yet. The thought stung, but still, he imagined what they would look like. Golden eyes and silver hair, just like their mother. He imagined how impossible they would be to disciple if they resembled their mother at all. He laughed at the thought as he remembered her antics as a child.
After a long while, he withdrew himself from the memories, exhausted.
His hand fell away from the crest as he tilted his head back to rest on the side of his tent. After everything, he only hoped that she was happy.
A voice called to him from the entrance of his tent.
"General Nasuku?" It was Mushi. "May I enter?"
He rose instantly to open the flap, forcing a calm face. "Mushi, you look well," he greeted.
Mushi hesitated, his smile diminishing. There were bags under Nasuku's eyes and creases around his mouth. His dark tan from training with his soldiers had been lost in the mines, and the ash had stained his skin a pale gray.
"I wish I could say the same to you. What happened?" The question was rude, and Mushi grimaced the moment after it left his mouth.
Nasuku stepped back into his tent, lighting a lantern on the short desk and sitting behind it. He looked over the papers on his desk distantly.
"I just needed to get away for a time."
His response was short and final, and Mushi, relieved by the calm response, asked nothing more. He settled across the table and began to lay out the maps from his bag. He took up most of the night carefully explaining his current placement of troops to his former general and sharing his knowledge of the rebel troops.
They spoke until dawn, devising plans and reevaluating how to organize their search parties, carefully integrating the new Western troops into the groups. When they were finally done, both men were exhausted.
Abandoning formality, Nasuku laid back on the ground, stretching his strained back as Mushi gathered the maps into his bag and stood. The Northern general smiled down at his old friend affectionately, glad to see some of his former personality reappearing. "So, we'll leave tomorrow at dawn, then?"
"Yes, I'll be sure the soldiers are ready."
Mushi nodded and turned to leave but then stopped suddenly at the tent entrance. "Oh, I almost forgot." He turned back as he reached into his pocket and withdrew a crumpled parchment. He smiled down at it. "I was told to deliver this to you."
Nasuku sat up and took the note, looking at Mushi suspiciously, but the Northern general left without explanation.
He didn't open the note for a time, wondering what it could be. It did not seem important given its poor condition. It was folded sloppily and had ragged edges, as though it had been torn from a larger parchment. He knew few people at the Northern palace but took a moment to ponder who had sent the note, despite knowing full well who it was from.
A nervous excitement took over him, and he finally opened it, not sure what to expect after so many years.
It was not addressed or signed.
I miss you.
As he approached the Northern palace gates, he did not need to give his name. The guards began shouting the moment they saw him, and the massive wooden doors were open before he reached them. Soldiers greeted him as he entered. Many had been his own, assigned to the North to help at the end of the last war. They had since been relieved of service and allowed to go home, but many had chosen to stay.
He stopped once inside, looking at each in turn, trying to remember their faces. "It's nice to see all of you. How is the palace?"
Instantly, he was bombarded with answers, and he couldn't help but laugh as he motioned for them to quiet. He'd forgotten what this was like. "One at a time," he said, but before any could reply, they drew away quickly at the approach of their lord.
Yugi stopped a distance from Nasuku. He seemed confused by the general's presence but greeted him kindly. "General Nasuku, it is good to see you again. I am glad that you have been reacquainted with the soldiers."
The Northern lord was dressed in a dark red shirt pulled over a white one. His pants were black, as was his sash, and his blond hair was pulled into a high ponytail on his head. His forearms were wrapped to keep his shirt sleeves against his arms, and despite only carrying a visible dagger at his hip, Nasuku realized from his dress that the lord had been training somewhere on the grounds.
"Working on your marksmanship, my lord?" Nasuku inquired, examining him carefully. His face had matured over the years. It was thin and handsome now with narrow eyes. His shoulders had widened, and he'd filled out his once boyish frame. The general could tell from his shape that he'd moved from archery to other combat skills.
Yugi smiled. "Yes, I'd best not get rusty, especially now."
Nasuku nodded absentmindedly as her scent drifted to him. A moment later the doors to the palace opened behind Yugi, and she was there, looking at him from across the yard. They both froze, staring at one other. She was dressed in a dark blue kimono of simple design that reached her ankles. She was barefoot, and her silver hair fell over her shoulders to her waist in disarray.
Yugi turned to greet her, his voice bright. "Reeka, General Nasuku just arrived. It seems that he decided to pay us a visit."
She did not reply, staring intently at her former teacher as she approached, her expression unreadable. He examined her face closely. It was the same: beautiful and young. Her markings were as bright as ever, but there on her forehead, hanging from the tip of her family crest, hung the blood drop of the North. It had yet to appear when he'd last seen her, as Yugi had just marked her. He felt a pang of jealousy in his chest upon seeing it. It diminished the beauty of her family crest, marred it.
As she moved closer, he watched her steps carefully, trying to gage her mood. The way she moved was different. Elegant and careful, unlike the confident, reckless gate she'd once possessed. He realized that her eyes were different as well. They lacked the rebellious charm they'd once had, and they met his with an almost blank expression.
At the silence between them, Yugi looked uncomfortable. He glanced at Nasuku then at his mate as she moved past his shoulder to approach the general. "Reeka," he asked softly, stepping after her to reach for her shoulder, "Are you alright?"
She had not grown any taller though, Nasuku observed with slight amusement as she stopped just in front of him and raised her eyes. A moment later, he nearly jumped out of his skin at her sudden shout.
"Nasuku! Goddammit, how could you just leave?" The outburst surprised both men. Nasuku stepped back, eyes wide, hands coming up defensively. She moved after him, matching each of his retreating steps with an angry stride. "I wrote you constantly and didn't receive a single reply. Ten years. I thought we were friends!"
He stopped, staring down at her, and breathed. Her eyes were furious as she stared up at him, molten gold. He swallowed hard.
It had only taken those three scribbled words to dissolve his promise never to see her again. He'd spent all of those years trying to forget her, sure that he was making the right choice, and just those three words had destroyed all of that effort. It scared him to realize just how little control he actually had.
On the way to the palace, to sooth his nerves, he'd made a new promise to himself. He wouldn't cross any boundaries or cause any problems between her and her mate. She was the Northern lord's wife, not his student anymore, not his best friend, but as she stood there, fuming almost a foot below his chin, he realized that he could not stop loving her.
"Dammit, Nasuku," she whispered after a silence and looked down. The smell of tears drifted up to him.
"Geez, pup," he groaned. He stepped forward to wrap his arms around her before Yugi could react. He pulled her tight against his chest, his arms across her shoulders. He spoke into her hair. "Did you think I was doing it to hurt you?"
"Don't call me that," she sobbed against his chest, clenching her fists in his uniform shirt.
He didn't care if Yugi was there. He didn't care if his soldiers watched. He didn't care if it was appropriate or not. He'd missed her, and if he could play this same scene out again for maybe the last time, he was not going to give up the opportunity.
He leaned forward as he grinned, placing his lips by her ear.
"Or what, pup?"
She jerked back out of his arms, and he ducked as her fist came for his face. She tried to kick at him, but the long kimono she wore restrained her, and she stumbled forward into him. "That might be a problem," he teased as he helped her straighten. "Can't fight in that. I guess we'll have to save this for another day."
She grinned at him, her cheeks still damp but her eyes dry. "You'd need to come back then."
"Enough." Yugi forced his way between them. His eyes were on Nasuku, severely irritated. This surprised Nasuku, and his playful reply died in his throat. His eyes darkened, ready to argue, but when he caught a soldier shift out of the corner of his eye, he realized his situation. Though these soldiers had served him once, Yugi was lord here.
Nasuku clenched his jaw and remained silent. Yugi turned to Reeka then, his tone soft. "This is inappropriate, Reeka. Please, let's go back inside."
"I want to talk to him."
"Later. Let's get him settled in his rooms first, and then we'll talk with him later tonight."
From her expression, Nasuku could tell she was not pleased, but she complied, turning with Yugi and allowing him to lead her into the palace. She glanced back at him over her shoulder once, her expression dejected. He stared back, feeling much the same.
Nasuku was led by a servant back to the chamber he had used during the Western army's occupation of the palace after the war. As he entered, he realized that the room had been maintained since his absence. The air was not stale, and there was no dust. It seemed strange that the servants would put so much effort into keeping his empty room fresh for so long.
As he entered, his eyes were drawn to a foreign stack of letters on his writing desk, and after opening the window to allow in the afternoon light, he moved to kneel in front of it, curious. He flipped through them quickly, eyeing the visible handwriting. They were letters addressed to him, and Reeka's scent lingered on each of them. He picked one up, turning it over in his hands, unsure if he should open it or not. He recognized the possibility that they could be personal: written for him, but never meant to be seen by him. He knew Reeka was a private person when it came to her emotions and thoughts, and it would not have surprised him if this was the case.
He put the letter down, moving away to the window again. Absently, he watched the guards move about below as his mind drifted back to the letters. There were so many of them. Was there really so much that she wanted to say to him? He glanced back at them, imaging the words written inside.
It was not long after when a servant came to escort him to Yugi's study. When he arrived, Yugi was alone behind his desk reading from a scroll. He had changed into more formal clothing. His shirt was a dark green and trimmed in golden thread. Black designs swirled around his collar and the edges of his sleeves. He wore his hair high on his head, secured around a golden ornament.
Nasuku stopped just inside the study, expecting a confrontation, but when Yugi looked up, he was surprised to see that Yugi's mood had improved. He set the scroll aside and greeted him with a kind smile.
"I hope your rooms are to your liking."
"They are," Nasuku replied, reaching back to close the study doors, but Yugi waved him off.
"There's no need," he assured. "We are among friends, and Reeka will be here soon."
She appeared in the doorway a half second later. "Sorry, I'm late," she said with a small bow of her head. Nasuku turned to frown at her, and she stared back.
"Since when have you been polite?"
The blunt question made her laugh. "A lot can happen in ten years," she replied, moving to sit close to Yugi's desk.
Although the words were spoken in a light tone, he knew they were pointed, and it weighed on him. He turned back to face them.
When Reeka was settled, Yugi smiled at Nasuku. "So, tell us about your time in the South. Mushi says that you were working in a coal mine?"
He took his seat across from them.
"Yes, there is not much of an industry there, but there are some small villages that focus on it as their income." He didn't offer anything else, realizing that this conversation could become uncomfortable very quickly if Yugi pressed him too much.
"But why put yourself in that danger?"
Nasuku shrugged and let out a soft chuckle. "I would not say it is more dangerous than being a soldier."
Yugi agreed with him, laughing as well, but Nasuku could tell that it was not entirely genuine. The Northern lord was trying to get at something, and Nasuku instantly knew the next question.
"Why did you leave the service of the West?"
It was blunt, and Reeka, who until this point had been focused on her lap, looked directly at Nasuku. He swallowed, staring back. "I—," he stopped, cleared his throat and directed his eyes back to Yugi. "I needed to get away for a time. I've been a soldier almost all of my life, and my last years of service were very demanding. I thought time away would help refresh my mind."
It wasn't entirely a lie, and this answer satisfied Yugi. He changed the subject, sharing with Nasuku matters of the North, though avoiding talk of the rebellion as much as possible to keep the mood light. Reeka did not speak for the rest of the time. She simply stared at him, a pained expression on her face. He did not look at her or address her. A thick tension silently built between them over the hours he was there.
Though he kept face with Yugi, inside he wanted nothing more than to be alone with her. They had once shared everything with one another, and now, he wanted that again, and he sensed that she did as well.
He had so much he wanted to ask and tell her without Yugi listening, but he did not know if being alone would be possible now. Already, he had pressed Yugi's patience and trust. The Northern lord had always been aware of Nasuku's affections for Reeka. They'd had many heated conversations about it over the course of the previous war, and Nasuku doubted Yugi would take any chances now, knowing how much his mate adored her former teacher.
The conversation dragged on until long after the sun had set, and Nasuku felt exhausted. During a lax in conversation about the South that Yugi had forced from him, the general stood and gave a slight bow.
"Excuse me, Lord Yugi, but I did not sleep last night, and I wish to retire for the night." The sentence was not as formal as it should have been, but Yugi responded kindly.
"Of course!" he said standing to walk him out. "Sleep well, general. We can finish our conversation tomorrow."
Nasuku wanted to groan, but he kept his face calm. As he turned to follow Yugi to the door, he looked at Reeka. Though her head was tilted down, she stared back at him from beneath her lashes. Something about her expression caused his heart to jump into his throat, and he did not trust himself to speak again as he left the study.
Despite his fatigue, Nasuku found that he could not sleep. He dragged his hands down his face and yawned. He rolled onto his back and tucked an arm under his head as he stared up at the ceiling, tracing the wooden boards with his eyes. It had been so easy to fall asleep each night in the South. Here though, he could think of nothing but the past.
The familiar feeling of regret moved through him, and his thoughts moved to the same question he had pondered for years.
What if he'd simply told her?
How would she have reacted if he'd just pulled her aside one day and told her?
Twice, he'd asked her to join him on a walk during the war, intending to tell her. He'd led her into the adjacent field that the soldiers had used for their training exercises, and both times, he'd lost his courage when she'd looked up at him with those trusting, golden eyes.
He was her teacher, for christ's sake. Twice her age. She'd been but a child then, and his lord's daughter. It was inappropriate. Ridiculous.
Both times, he'd directed the conversation into a different direction and held the words in.
It would have been so simple to say, but the fear of her reaction had always held him back. He hadn't wanted to lose her.
He closed his eyes, imagining a different life and losing himself in it as he had done many times before.
It was several hours from dawn when the door to his room opened and closed swiftly. He'd only been snoozing and was instantly awake. She lit a candle for the comfort of her eyes more than his.
"Nasuku," she whispered as she sat beside his low table, "Wake up."
He sat up, reaching for his shirt. "I am awake," he replied. He pulled it on to cover his chest as he stood up to approach her, not tucking it in. "You should not be in here," he said sternly as he sat beside her at his low desk.
"I used to sneak into your rooms all the time when I was younger."
"And that was inappropriate, too."
She scoffed, fingering the letters at the edge of the desk. "Since when have you cared what's appropriate?"
"Since your mate threatened me in the courtyard."
She looked at him, shocked. "He did not," she insisted.
Nasuku replied with a look, and she sighed, running a hand through her loose hair. She wore a simple silk night gown with a dark blue robe pulled over it. It was a relaxed state of dress that he'd seen her in many times in the past, but now, the sight warmed his heart.
"I'm sorry," she finally said. "He's not normally like that." She looked at him sideways, examining him in the dim light. "You've changed," she said slowly as she turned to face him again.
She reached out to touch his hair loose across his shoulders. "Your hair is longer." Her eyes moved across his chest exposed in the opening of his shirt. "And you are stronger." She went to touch him again, but stopped, bringing her eyes up to his face. "But you seem so sad now. What happened? What is the real reason that you left?" This one was a whisper, and Nasuku frowned at her. He stood suddenly, drawing away from her.
"Reeka, I'm not sure you should be here."
He moved away from her to the door, drawing it open for her, but she remained where she was, staring at the letters again.
"Did you read these?"
There was no accusation in her tone, but Nasuku responded with a sharp, "No."
She let out a frustrated sigh and finally turned to face him. "Nasuku, please, sit with me. I've missed you, and all you want to do is send me away."
They stared at one another for a moment, a silent battle of wills, but in the end, Nasuku slowly shut the door and crossed the room to sit at the desk again. He settled himself at the adjacent side, out of her reach.
She drew the letters off the table without looking at him, spreading them in her lap. She fingered them tenderly, as though recalling what was written in each.
"I wrote these for you, but when the messengers were unable to find you, I just started putting them here. I figured it was as close as I could come to giving them to you."
He didn't know what to say and only looked at her. After a long pause, he asked, "What do they say?" His voice was raspy with the low volume. The air felt heavy and uncomfortable. Everything about this screamed that it was wrong. He was alone with the Northern lord's wife in the middle of the night. No doubt if Yugi were awake, he'd be able to sense his mate's location. It had his nerves on edge, but he couldn't send her away. He could only watch her face as she looked up at him, a slight blush showing on her cheeks as she met his eyes.
She stammered for a moment. "They're—I mean—They're pretty personal, I guess. After all this time, it's strange to talk about them." She trailed off, looking down again.
"Reeka, why are you here?" Nasuku asked impatiently, not understanding her motives if she didn't want to talk about the letters and sensing the time they had left ticking away.
She sighed, exasperated. "I don't know!" she said in a harsh whisper. "I've missed you. I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk like we used to, but it's not the same. It's changed. I don't feel like I should be here like this."
"Because you shouldn't be," he began to scold, the teacher in him coming out again as he started to rise.
"For god's sake, Nasuku, just sit down," she said, shooting him a hard look. He settled back and tilted his face up to stare at the ceiling, sighing in frustration. She fiddled with her robe sleeves, staring absently at them. Finally, she spoke again, "I don't feel like I shouldn't be here because of Yugi."
His patience was growing thinner with each moment. He'd desperately wanted to see her, but not like this where it could so easily ruin both of their images. What if a servant walked by and sensed her there? His reputation was not the best, and although Reeka remained unaware, his affections for her were suspected by many.
"Then why?"
"It's because you are upset with me," she said quietly. "I don't want to corner you, but I need to know what I did wrong."
He frowned at her, his mind clearing instantly.
Did wrong?
"Reeka," he started in a calm voice, his irritation soothed immediately. Had she thought she'd done something wrong all of these years? "You haven't done anything wrong."
"Then why are you mad at me?" she demanded, bringing her eyes up to glare at him. The amount of hurt there made his heart ache.
He swallowed. He didn't like where this conversation was going. "I'm not mad at you."
Her hard gaze didn't falter but something finally broke within her and tears filled her eyes. "Then why did you leave me?"
It was the way she said it.
Like he'd abandoned her.
Like he'd betrayed her.
He could not answer though, because as much as he wanted to insist that he had not abandoned her, he had. She had been a stranger to the North, and just as she'd taken on the role of lady, he'd left her. Instead of leading and teaching her as he'd always done in the past, he'd abandoned her to sink or swim with few friends in a foreign land.
"I'm sorry," he finally breathed, but it did not answer her question, and she threw the pile of letters at him in frustration. They smacked him in the chest and shot off into many directions. He looked down at them across his lap, ashamed.
"Tell me why you left," she demanded.
"Reeka, I can't."
She stood and approached his side of the table, dropping down on her legs beside him. She leaned forward to place her face in his field of vision. He coolly met her gaze, which to his surprise, had soften somewhat.
He said nothing and sat entirely still, just sensing her and remembering her scent. His heart ached, and he wanted to touch her.
He'd always been afraid to tell her his feelings for fear of losing her, but sitting beside her now, and sensing the distance that had wedged itself between them, he realized that he had anyway. When he'd left the palace, he'd lost her, and although she'd offered him the chance to come back, it would never be the same now. Even if he told her, it wouldn't change anything, and it finally broke over him how ridiculous he was to still love her.
He looked away and heard Reeka sit up beside him, sighing.
"Yugi is good to me, you know."
The statement caught him off guard, and he turned his head to look at her. Her eyes were focused on her lap again.
"He loves me and protects me. He does everything to keep me happy. He leaves small gifts for me and makes sure that the cooks make my favorite meals. He allows me to do what I want and wear whatever pleases me. He never says a single scolding word. He just smiles at me and laughs. He kisses me so sweetly." She trailed off, as though in wonder.
She paused, smoothing out her robe. "But I never feel that I am enough. Despite everything he says, I know that whenever I practice with my sword in the courtyard, the nobles talk. I know that every time I say the wrong thing or don't move with perfect grace, I embarrass him on some level. I know he loves me for me, but I haven't felt like me in years for fear of hurting his image. He is a new lord, and people look for any reason to dislike him."
Why was she doing this to him?
His heart hammered in his chest, and for a moment, he worried she would sense it. He couldn't speak, and a pain took his chest. She'd been unhappy. All this time, she'd been alone here at the Northern palace, struggling to fit in. Why had he assumed she would be happy here?
When he did not respond, Reeka looked away. "That's what I wrote in the letters."
Nasuku's mind spun, putting the pieces together. He should have suspected this. The signs were there. It wasn't that she'd changed, but that she'd been trying to fit some model forced upon her: the long kimono he'd seen her in, the quiet demeanor in Yugi's study, and the pleasantries she'd offered him in greeting. The real Reeka had been the one who'd attacked him in the courtyard, scolded him, and cried in front of him, despite the soldiers and her mate.
"You have no children," Nasuku whispered.
"War is hardly a time for children," was her cool response, but he knew better now. It was rehearsed.
He turned to her. "No, Reeka, if you want to talk, we're going to talk." He snatched up several of the letters. "You mean to tell me that if I were tear these open, I would find that explanation."
Reeka looked surprised by his sudden shift, but then she smiled slightly, seeing the general becoming more like himself. A light blush settled over her face, and Nasuku sensed her embarrassment.
"What?"
"I—we—" she stopped. Flustered, she pulled her thick hair over her shoulder, exposing her neck. He found his eyes drawn to the exposed flesh, looking for the mark he knew Yugi had left there when he'd mated her. "Yugi is very busy."
"It only takes once, Reeka."
Reeka turned red at his blunt response.
"I know that!" she said back, exasperated. He found himself grinning at her, the atmosphere of the room lightening with the humor of the situation, and when she finally looked up at him, a slow smile also spread over her face. "Okay, okay." She started again, "It just doesn't feel right."
He raised an eyebrow at her. "What doesn't feel right? Listen, if your husband can't take care of you—"
He'd only been joking, but something in her face had shifted at the comment, and he'd cut off. He hadn't meant to implicate himself in that statement, but it was obvious she'd taken it that way, and now, it was his turn to be embarrassed. This wasn't how he'd intended to tell her.
"I swear, Nasuku." The threat was lost as she laughed off his comment. "I meant the idea of having kids. It doesn't feel right."
"You will need to produce heirs," Nasuku said slowly.
"I know!" she replied. This was not a new conflict, Nasuku realized. "I know," she said again, calmer. "It's just not the right time. I'm sure once the war is over, and Yugi and I are able to see each other more, then it will change, but for now, I am careful."
Nasuku smiled in amusement, imagining her hiding from Yugi whenever she feared she might become pregnant. He imagined it annoyed the young lord when his mate would regularly go missing from their bedchamber.
"But are you happy with Yugi?"
It was a bold question, but he needed the answer, and when she did not immediately respond, he had it. She looked ashamed.
"Then why did you marry him, Reeka? If not for love, then why?"
"I do love him," she insisted, giving him a stern glare. Nasuku returned the look.
"Do you?" he asked flatly. "This is not how you talk about a man you love."
"We are just different people. He was raised more traditionally than I was. We are working through it."
"You really believe that?"
Reeka's look burned, and Nasuku met her eyes. For the first time, he let the pain slip into his eyes, wanting her to see it.
"You shouldn't have to change for someone you love. Not like this. You should not be unhappy."
"And what could I have done differently?" Reeka breathed, her anger slipping away as she rubbed her eyes, agitated. "The North was devastated by the war. Without the West's help, we would be nowhere close to recovery."
Realization slammed into him.
"Is that why you married him?" He was furious now. "To form an alliance with the West?"
"That wasn't the only reason, but yes."
"Why didn't you talk to me about this?" Nasuku raged. He'd lost her because she'd felt obligated to help Yugi?
She'd fooled all of them.
He turned to fully face her, reaching out to grab her wrist as it laid on her lap. His foolish student.
"Lord Sesshomaru would have supported the North regardless of your marriage. We wouldn't have let everything fall apart again. The Northern lands are too large, and despite the devastation of the war, they are a rich nation. There was no reason for you to sign your life away to a man you didn't love. You should have just talked to me!"
Reeka jerked her hand back. "I do love him!"
Nasuku let out a breath, hurting as she said those words again. He couldn't accept it. He knew her better than that, and although he'd never seen her in love, he knew that she was not in love with Yugi.
"As a man? Or just a companion?"
She stared at him with wide eyes. Nasuku moved close again, taking up her hand in his again, his touch soft this time. He lowered his voice. He couldn't stop himself. He couldn't help it. He wanted her to understand.
"Does he make your heart race when you see him?"
"Nasuku, stop," she whispered.
He leaned closer, faces only inches apart now. "Do you feel like a part of you is missing when he's gone?"
She met his eyes, her expression blank.
"Does your heart skip when he says your name?"
She swallowed, looking angry now, and he breathed out a sigh.
"Reeka, you deserve better."
She stared at him, searching his face and eyes, jaw clenched, eyes glazed over with unshed tears, angry. Their faces were so close, he could feel the heat from her breath. She swallowed.
"Nasuku," she began, voice stern, gripping the hand that held hers tightly. "Tell me why you left."
It was hardly a question, and Nasuku couldn't help the panic that spread across his face. He'd been too forward. She'd figured him out.
He released her hand and sat back. "Reeka, don't make me."
"Then don't sit here and tell me I deserve better."
His eyes shot to hers. She was furious, staring right back at him.
"Nasuku, why didn't you tell me?" she demanded.
God, she knew.
Nasuku ran a hand through his hair. "I wanted to, but I didn't want to scare you."
"So you ran away?"
"Christ, you were just a kid!"
"And you were my father's general, my teacher, and twice my age!"
There was something hidden in that statement, and in an instant, he was calm. He frowned at her slightly, examining her. His voice was quiet. "What do you mean by that?"
She was silent, looking back at him with a shocked expression. He sensed her racing heart and saw the blush spread over her nose.
"I need to go," she said quickly, rising to leave. "I've been here too long, and I'm sure someone has heard us shouting. I'll see you tomorrow, general." She moved to the door, but he was on her in an instant.
"No," he rasped, grabbing her wrist before she could reach it and pulling her to a stop. She kept her back to him. "What did you mean by that?"
She didn't try to pull away, but she didn't say anything either. Releasing her wrist, he stepped around to face her. She kept her face down, but he didn't smell any tears. Gently, he brushed her hair behind one ear and tilted her face up to him, looking down at her with soft eyes. She swallowed and kept her eyes directed away.
Her face was so beautiful, just as he remembered it.
Nasuku brought his hand up to trace the crescent moon on her forehead, avoiding the blood drop as he examined the curve of her family crest against the soft skin of her face. His free hand cupped her hip and brought her closer, causing her hands to come up and rest on his chest. They remained entirely still, but the warmth from the touch spread through him.
He leaned down and pressed a light kiss to her crest, feeling his heart ache. He turned his face and pressed a kiss to her temple, drawing her even closer as his lips trailed her cheek.
"Gods, Reeka. Why didn't you tell me?"
She took in a sharp breath. "Nasuku."
It was a command, and as much as he wanted to ignore her, he knew she was right.
He stepped back, releasing her carefully. She met his eyes then and swallowed. He could hear her heart hammering in her chest.
"Yugi is awake," she said slowly.
"Is he coming?"
She shook her head. "Not yet."
Nasuku nodded at her once before moving past her into the room again, tucking in his shirt as he went. He pulled on his uniform coat and collected his things, packing his shoulder bag with the few items he'd brought with him.
Reeka turned to watch him, pulling her robe tighter around her.
When he had all of his things, he pulled his hair into a high ponytail and shifted his stance to face her.
"You're going to leave now?" she asked.
He raised his eyebrows at her. "We both know I am not welcome here anymore."
From her expression, he knew he was right. No doubt Yugi was using their bond to tell her exactly how he felt about what he'd woken to find.
"Also, I'm supposed to meet Mushi in the morning. I'm leading my men into the mountains where I suspect the rebels are camped right now. I have stayed too long anyway."
Her expression was crushed, and he stepped forward quickly, pulling her against him in a tight hug.
"Don't worry, pup," he whispered against her hair. "I'll be around. I'm not leaving again."
She pushed away from him, wiping at her face as she smiled. "Don't you start that again," she said, laughter in her voice. His sweet smile was a full one a moment later when she said sternly, "And you better write me back this time!"
"I promise," he chuckled.
When the laughter quieted, the atmosphere became serious again.
"Reeka, I don't think I'll be welcome at the palace after this, but I will see you again."
She nodded silently, tears filling her eyes again.
He stepped forward quickly, pulling her face into his shoulder. "Shh, none of that," he whispered. "It will work out, Reeka. I promise. Write me all you want. Scream at me, too. Whatever you need, I'll welcome it."
Boldly, he pressed a kiss to her temple before pulling back. He pressed his forehead to hers, meeting her eyes.
"We'll see each other again."
She nodded, wiping at her face as she smiled.
"Alright, now go before my mate calls the guards."
Nasuku laughed as he walked past her, waving a hand over his shoulder at her as he exited the room. "See you around, pup."
She smiled softly, watching him as he disappeared.
As Nasuku moved down the hallway, he could feel Yugi's energy pulse against his. It was a threat, and he knew it, but he could hardly bring himself to care. He had his best friend back, and though it was obvious now that they'd both been fools, their feelings were mutual. They would figure something out, but for now—he touched the letters tucked away deep in his pouch—they would just talk.
He would serve as general again, hunting down the rebels all over the continent and avoiding the Northern lord, and she would be the Lady of the North, married to a man she didn't love, but one day, they would see each other again.
And maybe then, when times were calmer and situations different, they would finally be able to share the words that neither had yet had the courage to say.
I love you.