THE EVIL REGAL BLOGS
By Scribes and Scrolls
Part 1 - Login
"Miss Swan, a word. NOW if you please."
Sheriff Emma Swan lifted her head from her paperwork and wondered what she'd done now to have the mayor of Storybrooke sweep into her office in such a state of high dudgeon. Or to be more accurate, her latest state of high dudgeon. Last week's scandal of the mayor's Merc being towed came to mind. Well, it was a disabled zone. No exceptions, Emma grinned inwardly. Not that she'd know anything about that. *cough*
Regina Mills tossed her head angrily and pinned Emma with a cold look as she thumped a sheaf of pages on the blonde's desk.
"I want to know what you intend to do about THIS," she hissed, eyes flashing darkly.
"And what exactly is this?" Emma asked curiously reaching for the paper, while surreptitiously watching as Regina slid herself onto the side of the desk, her tight dark blue skirt riding up her legs. It was, to say the least, highly distracting. She wondered if Regina worked out. Her eyes lost focus.
"Miss Swan! This is important!"
Tearing her eyes back to the sheaf in front of her, Emma began to read.
"Someone has posted this where anyone could read it," the mayor furiously ranted. "Sidney showed it to me today. I am told this defamatory trash is all over Storybrooke!"
Emma leafed through the documents. Printouts of internet blogs, forum comments from anonymous users, all swapping Storybrooke gossip and innuendo with a great deal of gusto, humour and, well, smirking.
"So what's the problem," Emma asked in genuine confusion. Hell, a little gossip never hurt anyone. In fact it was almost unnatural how Storybrooke had the vibe and spontaneity of a 100-year-old library. No one ever seemed to talk out of turn. Well except, perhaps, Ruby. But seeing this, finally it all made sense. The whole fracking town were online gossips! Ha.
Somehow that just seemed too funny. Emma tried to picture Mr Gold swapping rumours, recipes and sizzling scandals with Ruby under assumed names. She started to laugh and swallowed it only with great effort under the mayor's withering glare.
"What's the problem?" Regina sputtered, eyes bulging. "Sheriff Swan - MARCH 12 IS THE PROBLEM."
The mayor leaned forward, her breath hot against Emma's bent neck, her silky bronze shirt billowing open just above eye level and giving Emma an unintentional and most delightful view. Black lacy bra encasing white soft breasts. Very, very nice. She wondered briefly at the significance of the gold chain dangling in that alluring valley. Emma swallowed and shook her brain mentally as she chastised herself. It was not the time for her errant hormones. The mayor was on the verge of wrath-induced self- immolation.
The sheriff slid her eyes over to where Regina's finger was now impatiently tapping.
March 12:
Save Henry: Notice how a certain regal leader seems into a certain blonde?
SnackTime: I know - those 2 have sum desperate eye sex goin on.
HaleysComet: You see that 2? not just me then.
BootyCall: They need to get a room before madame regal blows a gasket
LooseLips: o pls it's been so long regal's bits have prolly dropped off
SnackTime: Hahaha
CharmOffensive: well I think it's nice
Save Henry: Those two will have to kill each other before it even gets in the realms of nice.
SnackTime: U c the way Regal checks out sherif's 6 tho? eyes all ova her?
Save Henry: So ... are they doing it yet or not?
BootyCall: Not
LooseLips: Not
HayleysComet: No but they should.
CharmOffensive: None of our business. But I hope so. They both need love.
SnackTime: Hahaha. Yeah, "love".
Save Henry: And would blondie be into that?
CharmOffensive: STILL none of our business, SH.
LooseLips: Sheriff only eva tlks about Her Regalness. or henry. So maybe. Yeah I think so.
Save Henry: pfft.
SnackTime: Def up 4 it.
HayleysComet: Nevr taks her eyes off her. too true.
CharmOffensive: Those 2... what a pair.
Ah. Emma frankly didn't have the first clue what to say. She flushed deeply and slowly slid her eyes up to Regina's. "It seems we have a following."
Regina bared her lips: "That's all you can say? An elected official is being mocked and gossiped about, maligned publicly and that's the best you can do?"
"I could point out you're not the only one being gossiped about, although I don't see how we're being maligned. Well apart from that stupid crack about your bits drop..." she faded out at the furious look on the mayor's face.
"You don't see...?" Regina narrowed her eyes and brought her lips beside Emma's ear and continued in a quivering, whispered rage. "The people of Storybrooke think we are engaged in some tawdry mating ritual. This is humiliating for me. How do you propose to stop this? Will you arrest them?"
"Really Regina? Is the idea of a handful of people suggesting we're ogling each other so offensive to you, you want a witch hunt? What laws have they even broken? It's a crime to read too much into things now? And how do you propose we find out who's who anyway?"
"You're the sheriff, Miss Swan, don't ask me to do your job for you. And the idea should be as repugnant to you as it is to me."
Emma couldn't help it. A flash of anger and hurt washed across her face before she could stop it. Worse, Regina who missed nothing, raised a surprised eyebrow.
"You DO find this idea repugnant Sheriff Swan...?" she asked archly, sarcasm dripping off her tongue.
Emma frowned and shuffled the pages. What to say? She knew, actually she'd always known, she was attracted to Regina Mills. Her glossy dark hair, her faintly spicy apple scent, her toned body, her fire, her stunning brown eyes, always flashing and furious about something... Her enraging habit of always making everything going wrong somehow Emma's fault. Of yeah, the sheriff frowned. Less enticing.
Emma actually hated virtually everything Regina stood for, most of what she said and especially how she kept Henry on such a short leash. But to describe the idea of them being together as repugnant, well, nothing could be further from the truth. She couldn't honestly say she didn't get a certain visceral thrill whenever Regina sized her up and got right up in her face. Like now.
But, as she had just discovered, the feeling was about as one-sided as you could get.
So Emma simply ignored the question and stood awkwardly. "Well I will make a few inquiries at Granny's. If this is a regular group, Ruby may know something. And if she does, I'll tell them to give it a rest. All right? Because there have been no laws broken here."
Regina slid off the desk and stood to her full height, adjusting her skirt sharply. She turned to face the sheriff scornfully. Her mouth formed a half sneer, as if unable to fully register what had just passed. "You really are pathetic - in so many ways." And she stormed out, slamming the door.
Emma winced as her ears protested.
So the mere idea of her and the mayor filled Regina with so much horror she wanted to launch the Inquisition. Lovely. And flattering. She grabbed the printouts and her jacket and headed out, thoroughly depressed.
. . . . . .
Ruby had been spectacularly unhelpful in Emma's quest for the gossipy bloggers. So unhelpful Emma mentally slid her to the top of the list of suspects. Most likely she was one of the members, having access to boundless bar-fuelled rumours to start with.
Finally Emma levelled with her: "Look, Ruby if it is you, and I really don't care, just tell the others to cool it for a while until Regina's off my back."
"Regina's on your back?" Ruby offered a teasing smirk, and Emma sighed.
"Seriously Ruby? Quit that. Regina and I are not an item nor are ever likely to be."
"If you say so," the bartender said with a wink, adding, "and I notice you said not 'likely' to be. So you haven't entirely ruled it out then."
With that she chuckled and wandered off to take another order.
Emma rubbed her face as if trying to erase that entire conversation. Damn. Ruby could be surprisingly shrewd at times.
Out of the corner of her eye she spied David and Mary Margaret. Ahh, quarry number two.
She slid into the booth with them, bumping against her roommate. "Sorry to interrupt," she said quietly. "I just needed a word with 'Charm Offensive' over here." She pinned David with sharp blue eyes and stated: "While I appreciate your desire that Regina and I feel the love," she said doing air quote marks around the last three words, "Regina is not happy."
She slapped the printouts down on the table and looked at him closely. The man gaped at her, genuine confusion in his eyes.
Hmmm, well that did not go as expected. Emma mentally scratched his name off her list. That pseudonym did seem too easy, anyway. She was about to apologise when she felt rather than saw the rapidly rising, suspiciously deep blush on Mary Margaret's face.
Oh no.
"Mary Margaret," Emma gasped, appalled. "It's you? You're Charm Offensive?"
The brunette looked down and cradled her tea. "I'm sorry Emma. I just picked the first name that came into my head, and I just happened to be thinking of David..." She looked up at her sheepishly.
The man in question gave a pleased half grin and the sheriff had to resist the urge to roll her eyes at the doe-eyed couple.
"Em, you've only been here a little while so you have no idea how boring Storybrooke can get at times," Mary Margaret pleaded, spreading her hands. "So I just, you know, pop by that blog site every now and then, catch up on the news, like who's dating who, and pop a few comments in. And for the record I do think you need a little love. And Regina needs it too. When you think of it, you are ideally suited. Both lonely and driven and, um, obsessed with each other..." she faded out at the look on her roommate's face.
Emma could not believe her ears. She stared at the normally so buttoned up teacher open-mouthed. "Do you have any idea how angry Regina is? I thought she was about to reach over the desk and rip my tongue out today. All for saying that there was nothing I could do and it's no big deal."
"Oh Emma, I am truly sorry. I know it was terribly immature of me. But I ... it's about the only fun any of us gets around here. Although I agree the others did get out of hand by the April entries. And the May ones - well I am not surprised the mayor was upset at those. And she was right to be. I do NOT endorse those AT all. And I told them as much." She blinked when she saw the look of growing trepidation on Emma's face.
"Oh ... don't tell me you haven't read those yet? You mean the mayor is this mad just because of MARCH?"
Emma nodded slowly and quickly began to flick through the later pages. As she came to April and then May, her eyes widened. "I don't think Regina has gotten to these yet. She rushed right over here when she got to ... Oh God. GOD! Oh ... Well I happen to know THAT isn't even physically possible, no matter how much yoga or Pilates she does."
Emma glanced back up at her contrite friends with their matching expressions of whipped puppies. "Look, I don't get it. Do they really hate her so much? And do they really have such a low regard for me that they think I would be involved with someone they see as so... evil?"
David and Mary Margaret shared a look and hesitated.
Finally the teacher spoke: "It's an outlet Emma," she explained quietly. "They don't really mean it but the mayor has, in big ways and small, controlled all our lives so tightly for so long, it's a reaction. And in speculating about her sex life, and by extension insinuating it extends to yours, they feel better. Like, for one brief moment, they have control over the scariest woman in Storybrooke. And if you read all the entries you'll know everyone's life gets gossiped about. David and I do not get off lightly either. And the things they say about Ruby... well... best not repeat those."
"David, did you know about this?" Emma asked wearily. "These, ah, 'evil regal' blogs, for want of a better name."
"Um..." now he flushed. Slowly he put up his hand. "Haley's Comet."
"Great," Emma sighed heavily in disappointment. "Can you two children please tell the other 'kids' to knock it off until the mayor recovers - and especially before she gets it into her head to read April or," she shuddered, "May."
Mary Margaret and David nodded vigorously in unison.
"We really are very sorry." David said, hanging his head.
"We are."
"And you'll notice, we were nothing if not supportive," David added hopefully.
"The entire time. Because we care about you," Mary Margaret agreed softly, looking shamefaced.
"I noticed. Thanks for that at least." Emma glanced at her watch. "Look, I have to go. Regina will want to know the results of my 'investigation'."
"You won't tell her we..." Mary Margaret's eyes went wide.
"Of course not. I'll see you at home later." She rose to leave when Mary Margaret's hand reached out to snag her arm. "Before you see Regina, read June. June 8."
Emma paused, a worried look crossing her face, nodded and left.
God, what now?