A Thousand Years
By NatesDate
Disclaimer: All Spooks characters belong to Kudos and the BBC. Additional information is located at the end of the story.
Summary: Set after 10.6. Harry visits Ruth's house.
A/N: A huge thank you to Nittles and HedgieX for their beta of this piece. This is my first fanfic and I was very nervous to even send it out for review and they were so wonderful with their comments and encouragement.
This little one-shot is dedicated to those authors that have made me cry with their amazing writing, especially Sophie Persan, CminorAdagio, and threesummerdays.
It's been two weeks. Two weeks of unimaginable pain. He's not sure he can handle the task ahead of him; but he's afraid if he puts it off for too long that he'll never be able to do it. That he'll be too afraid of opening that wound again for fear that it will never close.
This is how he finds himself standing on her doorstep, key in hand. It should be easy. Just insert the key, turn the lock, and open the door. He's done this a thousand times before. But he sees opening this door, her door, as a metaphor for opening his heart to new pain, so he draws a few deep breaths before he can actually do it.
The place looks much like it did the last time he was here, more than a month ago. He was at the Grid late one night and she came by to pass along some information. She could have easily called him, but he thinks that she liked coming back, especially at night when it was likely to be just the two of them. He's reminded of times long ago when they both thought time was on their side. He'd offered her a ride home, and after a moment when he was sure she would politely decline in favour of the bus, she had accepted his offer. Conversation had been brief, and awkward, but by the time they had reached her house they'd found their way and she invited him in for a drink.
He closes his eyes and replays that night in his mind, Ruth walking into the lounge to turn on some music and then into the kitchen for the wine. She'd returned with a bottle of red and two glasses and they'd settled on the sofa. It was a good night and a good memory. He had so few memories of her away from the Grid that it made that evening at her home even more precious.
Harry opens his eyes, realizing that if he keeps going down that road he won't get anything done. He follows Ruth's path on that night and enters the lounge. He looks around for her iPod so he can listen to her music while he goes through her things and tries to decide what he wants to keep and what would be disposed of.
He shouldn't have been surprised when he received the call from her solicitor two days ago. Ruth had made Harry the executor and sole heir of her estate. Her mother had passed away when Ruth was in Cyprus so she had no remaining family. Aside from a few small bequeaths to her choir and favorite charities, everything went to Harry. His head told him that this is what he needed, something to do, something to manage, and that maybe it would help him to work through his grief. His heart however, was telling him something altogether different. His heart was still shattered from her death and he was afraid that being surrounded by everything Ruth would destroy what little fragments of his heart remained. In a moment of strength, he employed the technique that had gotten him though all those years on the Grid. He closed off his emotions as best he could and told himself that he could do this.
Not seeing the iPod in the lounge, he moves into the kitchen. He spots a pile of mail on the counter alongside which lay the iPod. He wants to play the music that she had played for him on his last visit, something that her choir was working on for an upcoming performance. It takes him a few moments to figure out how to turn it on, but as he walks back to the lounge, he finally finds the playlists and starts scrolling through them. She'd told him that she had one for her choir, for the pieces they were practicing so she could easily listen to them and familiarize herself with them. He tries to scroll though them slowly but his thumb moves too quickly and he is at the bottom of the list. Moving more slowly this time, he notices that she seemed to organize her music according to places she had lived. He pauses at the playlist titled 'Oxford' and curiosity got the best of him. He enters the playlist and scans the songs. He wasn't familiar with most of them, but he had the impression that this was music from her time at school in Oxford.
He tapped menu and looked at the other playlists. Sure enough he saw 'London', 'Exeter', 'Cyprus', and 'Cheltenham', among others such as 'Choir' and 'Classics'. As he scrolls up to 'Choir,' he realizes that his name was among the playlists. Moving back down the list, there it was, 'Harry' with just one song on the list. He clicks on his name then moves forward to the speakers, setting the iPod in the dock. He looks at the song but both the title and the artist are unfamiliar to him. He presses play and adjusts the volume so he can hear the song clearly.
As he moves to the sofa, piano sounds fill the room. He sits down just as a woman starts to sing.
Heart beats fast/Colors and promises/How to be brave/How can I love when I'm afraid/To fall/But watching you stand alone/All of my doubt/Suddenly goes away somehow/One step closer
A sob catches in his throat, but he pushes it down. He closes his eyes, letting the music fill his mind.
I have died everyday/waiting for you/Darling don't be afraid/I have loved you for a/Thousand years/I'll love you for a/Thousand more
All control he had deserts him and the tears freely fall down his face. He collapses against the back of the sofa, then leans to his left, resting his head on the pillow there and pulling his legs up on the other end.
Time stands still/Beauty I know she is/I will be brave/I will not let anything/ Take away/What's standing in front of me/Every breath, Every hour has come to this/One step closer
He doesn't even hear the rest of the song. He's back there, overlooking the water, when she approached him and ran her hand down his arm to hold his hand. He so clearly remembers the smile on her face and the joy that filled his heart. It didn't matter that it had taken them nine years to get to that point or that they had experienced more heartache between them than any couple should ever have to endure.
And all along I believed/I would find you/Time has brought/Your heart to me/I have loved you for a/ Thousand years/I'll love you for a/Thousand more
One step closer/One step closer
He thought of her bravery, not only in standing up to Sasha, but in asking him to leave the service with her. He'd told her at one point that neither of them was emotionally forthright, but in that moment she didn't hold back. Something he now wishes he'd had the bravery to do.
And all along I believed/I would find you/Time has brought/ Your heart to me/I have loved you for a/Thousand years/I'll love you for a /Thousand more
The song was over, but his tears were not. When he'd realized she was dead, he'd broken down and cried, but within a few minutes the sounds of the helicopter approaching reminded him that he was not alone. He stopped his tears and let his Section Head persona take over. Ever since then, whether it was making the arrangements for her funeral or answering Towers' questions about what happened, he'd kept his emotions in check. But here, in her house listening to a song that was important enough for her to put on her iPod under his name, he finally let it all out. There was no need to hide the tears. They continued to flow in a steady stream. Harry was grieving not only the loss of Ruth, but for all their missed chances, for their absolutely shitty timing, and for the end of the hopes he had for their future.
He's not sure how long he lay on the sofa and cried, but when he opens his eyes he feels drained. He glances at a clock on the mantle and realizes he's been at her house for nearly an hour. He pushes himself upright and looks around the room. He knows that there are plenty of things in her house that will provoke his emotions, but if he's going to accomplish anything today, he needs to get started. After a few deep breathes he rises from the sofa and rubs his hands over his face. Surprisingly, he felt a little better for having a good cry. He walks over to the speakers and fiddles with the player so that it will simply shuffle through all her songs. The sound of David Bowie makes him smile as he turns to the nearest bookcase and starts going through her things.
'A Thousand Years' was written by Christina Perri and David Hodges and is from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack.
Thanks for reading. Please review and let me know what you think.