A/N: This is my parody story where I make sweeping generalisations about all the fanfics. None of it is targeted toward any one fanfic in particular…just normal fanfic clichés. And not just Twilight ones. I hope you like it!
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"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS! TEN-MINUTE BREAK FOR THE FOLLOWING FAN FICS: HARRY POTTER, SHOPAHOLIC, GOSSIP GIRL, AND...OH YES, TWILIGHT."
Edward, Bella, and Alice and a stream of the other random Twilight characters that usually pop up in fanfics came bursting into the fanfic character waiting room, where characters received their 10 minute fanfic breaks and where they waited when they weren't needed for fanfictions. Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme were already waiting there, Rosalie was reading a magazine, Esme watching CNN, and Emmett throwing little bits of tissue at the house elves from Harry Potter(he had a thing against the people from Harry Potter)
"God, I thought that last fic would never end..."Edward sighed as he plopped down beside Emmett.
"Tell me about it. And I didn't even get to do very much!" Bella whined, sitting beside him.
"What was it this time? Another random OC story?" Alice guessed.
"Worse. A paradoxical Jacob/Edward story!!" Bella moaned. "God, teenagers and their gay-fics..."
"Haha, that sucks for you! I was the focus character in MY fic," Emmett teased.
"Really? That's a change. Usually the only time you get to be a main character is when you're forcing us to play Truth or Dare!" Bella snapped back.
"Hey! I've forced you all to play Truth or Dare too!" Alice pointed out.
"Haven't we all?" Edward asked.
"It sure seems like it. I can't get through a story without having to strip or something!" Emmett exclaimed.
"Well lucky you. No one ever wants to write about me," Rosalie muttered.
"That's not true, there are plenty of Rosalie stories!" Esme assured her.
"Yeah, but they're not nearly as popular as all the other ones. The only stories featuring me that DO get reviewed are the ones where I'm sulking around in the background while you people get to DO stuff!" Rosalie muttered, grimacing.
"People try to write stories where I'm the main focus...but no one ever reads those," Edward grumbled.
"Hey! There are a billion more Edward stories than Esme stories!" Esme argued, never betraying any real anger.
"But you're in all stories that Carlisle is in," Edward sighed.
"Yeah, and I usually say two relevant things and then I'm just standing there," Esme said.
"Be glad people like you when you're in stories!" Jacob snapped, suddenly appearing. "Sure, I get put into stories, but I'm always the bad guy, and people always review to say 'I hate Jacob!'. And every now and then some nice kid will sympathize with me...and they get: 'Hey, great story...but Jacob still sucks! HAHAHA!'" Jacob folded his arms, leaning back in his chair and scowling.
"Well, to be honest, the only reason you're usually in stories is to screw around with Bella," Edward pointed out.
"Exactly! Doesn't anyone ever consider how I feel about this?" Jacob asked. There was a pause.
"No. You're the only antagonist we have. People need to hate you, or all the characters are loved. And what's the fun in a story where all the characters are loved?" Alice replied.
"I am NOT an antagonist!! What's Victoria, then? Or James?!" Jacob grew fur and exploded into a wolf. A few shrieks erupted from the Gossip Girl side.
"They're dead. And by God, if I have to hook up with you one more time..." Edward began.
"Woof! Ruff...!" (Hey, I'm hotter than you, pretty boy!)
"You really are," Bella assured him. "No offense Edward."
"None taken. I need to exercise my unnaturally perfect self control right now anyway," Edward shrugged.
"Hey Alice, you wanna go to the pet store? All these fics starting today are about me buying a goldfish and/or a cat." Emmet said.
"Why not?" Alice said, "Hey, does anyone remember where I left my bag?"
"In your character's mailbox on that shelf in the hallway," Esme reminded, as they walked away, "Wow! This marks the third thing I've said in this fic so far!"
"Wow. You really don't do anything!" Rosalie realized.
"Hey, she's gotten to-" Edward interrupted, "No wait, you're right. She doesn't do anything.
"No! We've been in a couple of fics…" Carlisle appeared, holding a mug of coffee, labeled "I WILL NOT POLLUTE THE WORLD", which he quickly chucked into a plant as soon as Jess from Shopaholic stopped glaring at him.
"Yeah, but one of those only pops up once every few months." Bella added.
"Who hasn't written at least one about you, Bella?" Rosalie retorted. Bella paused, thinking.
"Huh...you know, I can't think of one single time when I'm not in the story! I haven't slept at all since the original book came out!" she cried.
"But what about those where you're a vampire?" Carlisle asked.
"Well the ones where we're all HUMAN are the MOST popular!" Edward insisted.
"There should be a story where I'm the Bella," Rosalie commented.
"I like Bella/Alice friendship ones," Bella said, edging away from Rosalie a little.
"Aw, thanks!" Alice walked towards them with Emmett behind her. "I like those too. It makes me feel good to be more than just the comic relief."
"You?" Emmett repeated. "I'm the comic relief! You're just the psychic pixie!"
"You're just there so Jasper has someone to pick on," Edward stated in Alice's defense.
"Yeah, you guys are always going at it aren't you?" Edward said, thinking about that, "Speaking of Jasper, where is he, anyway?"
"He's spending all his free time making this emo video diary thing…I think he's going to post it on You Tube."
"That's true," Rosalie nodded, turning a page of her magazine.
"Hey, how do you like all those Alice/Jasper stories?" Bella asked Alice.
"Oh, those are pretty good. Certainly different, even if they're kind of angsty," Alice said.
"Yeah. Almost as good as Rosalie/Emmett ones," Emmett laughed.
"There are no Rosalie/Emmett stories! It's always about Bella and a long lost cousin or something," Rosalie said.
"I'm right here, you know," Bella piped, "And just so you know, it's nice to actually spend time with people other than myself. And you should be happy that there are so few Rosalie/Emmett stories! I'm half sick of screwing Edward! It's not even supposed to happen until August and all these people have totally ruined the authenticity!"
"Whoa! You guys actually...?"Alice made a gesture with her hands.
"Oh yeah. Plenty of times," Edward said, nodding.
"Haven't you all been in the rated M section before?" Bella asked.
"I don't make it there too often. I'm too squeaky clean!" Carlisle snapped sarcastically, as Rosalie snorted.
"Huh, that's funny. Jasper's there a ton!" Alice said. "Usually popping up to swear a lot but the weird part is that I'm hardly there…"
"For a guy who's supposedly a 107 year old virgin, Edward really get's a lot of play!" Emmett complained.
"I hate Bella/Edward fics," Rosalie declared suddenly. "I'm only there to glare at them while everyone's gushing over you guys or something. I thought that I was the pretty one!"
"Wow. It must suck to be the most hated Cullen," Esme said, shaking her head pityingly. "Hey, four lines!"
"Tell me about it. The only times I get any action in Bella/Edward stories is when I try to explain to Bella why I hate her so much," Rosalie recalled, "They say it's because she's a human, but really, it's because she's in all the fanfics!! I've been sitting here the whole fucking morning!"
"Hey! I saw you at the house set at least twice last week," Carlisle insisted.
"Yeah, I am there...in the stories where I don't die," Rosalie grumbled.
"Well at least you get to do something cool like dying! I'm always begging to go shopping or arranging fluffy stuffed animals in neat little rows along a window sill!" Alice complained. "I mean, that Claire female gets to do more than that and she's two freakin years old!!"
"And I go from one extreme to the other, being completely depressed and miserable that Edward's gone, to not thinking about him at all, because I'm too busy taking care of some new stepsister or whatever," Bella said.
"You know what story I like?" Carlisle asked. "I like that one where people can read about whether or not they're obsessed with us. It's really original."
"Oh yeah! I love that thing, it cracks me up every time!" Emmett agreed, snorting with laughter as he spoke.
"Yeah, that one's great. Finally there's a fic where we're not even needed! It's more of a list, actually. Man, there's nothing I hate more than having to work all night just because we don't need sleep." Edward said.
"You'd think you'd be used to it by now. I mean, ninety percent of the Twilight section has to be made up of Bella/Edwards," Rosalie sighed. "While I'm off being dead...or with Emmett...or moved away...or on drugs...-no wait. That's something else…"
"I like the stories with vampire animals in them!" Alice proclaimed.
"Like this goldfish is about to be?" Emmett asked, holding up the plastic bag containing a 25 cent fish that they'd bought at the pet store earlier in this fic.
"Yeah! They're always really random. I love random stories, I'm SO funny in those!" Carlisle laughed.
"You know what stories I hate the most?" Bella asked.
"The ones where you're adopted?" Edward guessed.
"Well, yeah. But especially the ones where we have babies!" Bella cried. Everyone groaned.
"Oh God, I can't stand babies," Emmett agreed.
"SEE?! Everyone hates me so much that they're out to get the ONE thing that I've always wanted!" Rosalie shrieked, "Not only do they kill me, but they also have to abuse poor, sweet little babies by giving them to you!!"
"Especially that stupid ones where I'm pregnant! That's TORTURE!" Bella said. Everyone groaned even louder.
"Whoever thought of that first should be forbidden to write here any more. I simply don't believe that those without maternal qualities should be parents!" Esme said, and the others all nodded in agreement.
"Why can't there be a story where Esme and I take care of one together, instead of these…M SECTION FETISHISTS!?" Rosalie demanded.
"Hey, that's a pretty good idea…"Esme said, "…YES! SIX!"
"It's like they don't even know that vampires can't reproduce!" Alice said, "Then again, they do make us human…Ooh, only a minute left till they start calling for Gossip Girl stories."
"And all our ages are so fucking inconsistent," Edward said. "We go from being teenagers in high school, to twenty-five year olds, to parents of triplets, all in the same day!"
"It's way too much for a group of people who supposedly can't age to handle," Carlisle added.
"Thirty seconds…they'll call us last, though," Alice revealed.
"Hey, does anyone remember how many times I've had a long lost relative turn up in the last month? I'm taking a poll over here…" Bella started to say.
"Fifteen seconds."
"I lost count at about seventeen-"
"Ten."
"There was that one from Texas…or maybe it was Canada…?"
"You know both places are really far away, don't you, Bella?"
"One-"
"ATTENTION ALL FANFIC CHARACTERS: TEN MINUTE BREAK IS UP! PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY FOR THE FOLLOWING LISTING OF STORIES AND CHARACTERS NEEDED. GOSSIP GIRL: SERENA AND NATE'S WEDDING, CHAPTER FOUR. CHARACTERS NEEDED: Nate, Serena, AND Blair. SUMMARY: NATE AND SERENA DECIDE TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THEIR WEDDING, WHILE BLAIR IS FORCED TO STAY SINGLE.
The Twilight gang shuffled to the side as Serena and Nate walked by looking giddy, Blair storming behind them, pouting and miserable.
"I kind of feel bad for her. Nate is a total man bitch for always running off with Serena, even though he probably loves Blair too!" Bella said, raising an eyebrow.
"And I'm sure that nothing of the sort has ever happened to you…" Rosalie said, rolling her eyes.
The announcer went on and on; listing several more stories The Shopaholic group was called out for two stories, trying hard not to stare at the Cullen's designer clothes. Finally, the Harry Potter group was called out for a broomstick race (Emmett stuck his tongue out at them as they walked by).
"TWILIGHT:. NEW STORY: PET PEEVES. CHARACTERS NEEDED FOR CHAPTER ONE: EMMETT, ALICE, BELLA, EDWARD, AND JASPER. SUMMARY: EMMETT BUYS A PET CAT AND A GOLDFISH…ONLY TO REALIZE HE NEEDS SOME HELP TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. MEANWHILE, AN ORPHANED GIRL FROM FRANCE TURNS UP AT BELLA'S DOORSTEP WITH AN AMAZING CLAIM. ALL HUMAN." The group all grimaced, frowning at each other.
"Who's stupid idea was that?" Alice groaned.
"I knew we'd need the animals!" Emmett stated.
"I hate being human-ified. I feel so vulnerable!" Edward scoffed.
"Ooh, is the kid going to be my daughter, cousin, or sister? Who wants to take a bet?" Bella proposed.
"None of the above. She's your god-daughter," Alice retorted.
A/N: PLEEEEASE review! I don't know if I'll continue this though. But if you like it I will. If I do continue, I'll put all the other characters in it And by the way...I just put my other story in here for fun...no marketing motives.